He wants to skip MC and just talk about it. What next?

[Mustbeabetterway]

My UBPDH wants to cancel our MC appt. scheduled for tomorrow.  We have been twice and he has expressed each time that he doesn't think it is helping.    He doesn't see how a "stranger" can help.  Actually, i think it is revealing some important underlying stuff in our r/s. 

I am feeling especially frustrated because he calls me up being all nice and will not tell me why he wants to cancel the appt. on the phone.  Wants to talk to me in person. 

This sounds like a way to create drama when he could actually just briefly summarize his reason on the phone.  By the time I get home from work it will be too late to give the T 24 hours notice.

Has anyone experienced something similar? 

[BestVersionOfMe]

My UBPDH wants to cancel our MC appt. scheduled for tomorrow.  We have been twice and he has expressed each time that he doesn't think it is helping.    He doesn't see how a "stranger" can help.  Actually, i think it is revealing some important underlying stuff in our r/s. 

I am feeling especially frustrated because he calls me up being all nice and will not tell me why he wants to cancel the appt. on the phone.  Wants to talk to me in person. 

This sounds like a way to create drama when he could actually just briefly summarize his reason on the phone.  By the time I get home from work it will be too late to give the T 24 hours notice.

Has anyone experienced something similar? 

He doesn't want to take accountability for his actions and he likely doesn't like that the T does that at times.  Instead he is pretending to want to "talk" but on his terms which is between the two of you where he has total control over the dialogue.  The goal of the T is really about having an objective third party and your safety.  To me talking on the phone is not a good place.  I'd validate his feelings and then state your intentions again about going to T.  If you have to make something up like, "You know I really felt that the T helped explain your point of view much better than when we just talk one on one.  It helped me learn where you are coming from a lot.  I'd really like to do it again, for that reason." 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Just all so frustrating.  I can only change myself and I am making progress in that area. 

[ogopogodude]

My UBPDH wants to cancel our MC appt. scheduled for tomorrow.  We have been twice and he has expressed each time that he doesn't think it is helping.    He doesn't see how a "stranger" can help.  Actually, i think it is revealing some important underlying stuff in our r/s. 

I am feeling especially frustrated because he calls me up being all nice and will not tell me why he wants to cancel the appt. on the phone.  Wants to talk to me in person. 

This sounds like a way to create drama when he could actually just briefly summarize his reason on the phone.  By the time I get home from work it will be too late to give the T 24 hours notice.

Has anyone experienced something similar? 

He doesn't want to take accountability for his actions and he likely doesn't like that the T does that at times.  Instead he is pretending to want to "talk" but on his terms which is between the two of you where he has total control over the dialogue.  The goal of the T is really about having an objective third party and your safety.  To me talking on the phone is not a good place.  I'd validate his feelings and then state your intentions again about going to T.  If you have to make something up like, "You know I really felt that the T helped explain your point of view much better than when we just talk one on one.  It helped me learn where you are coming from a lot.  I'd really like to do it again, for that reason." 

Excellent.  Every word, and sentence is bang on. I actually printed this out so I can refer to it when my ex will refuses to go to therapy (to remind myself of her resistance)

  key words/phrases: accountability , pretending , own terms, control (over dialogue) , (refusal for) objective 3rd party

[Tim300]

My UBPDH wants to cancel our MC appt. scheduled for tomorrow.  We have been twice and he has expressed each time that he doesn't think it is helping.    He doesn't see how a "stranger" can help.  Actually, i think it is revealing some important underlying stuff in our r/s. 

I am feeling especially frustrated because he calls me up being all nice and will not tell me why he wants to cancel the appt. on the phone.  Wants to talk to me in person. 

This sounds like a way to create drama when he could actually just briefly summarize his reason on the phone.  By the time I get home from work it will be too late to give the T 24 hours notice.

Has anyone experienced something similar? 

Yes, I experienced something like this.  It's disturbing because to me it hints at ASPD traits, revealing that the person knows he/she is not being fair, not being 50-50.  If an objective stranger observes what is going on, the whole scheme might unravel.  He's trying to hide something (i.e., the true nature of the relationship).  He wants to keep you in the fog and and to not feel shame for his behavior.

If he just didn't want to pay for the MC, I would be more understanding.  I would rather just talk things out most of the time than have to go to an MC and pay for it.  But it seems like hassle and pay are not the reasons he's citing for not wanting to go. 

[ogopogodude]

My UBPDH wants to cancel our MC appt. scheduled for tomorrow.  We have been twice and he has expressed each time that he doesn't think it is helping.    He doesn't see how a "stranger" can help.  Actually, i think it is revealing some important underlying stuff in our r/s. 

I am feeling especially frustrated because he calls me up being all nice and will not tell me why he wants to cancel the appt. on the phone.  Wants to talk to me in person. 

This sounds like a way to create drama when he could actually just briefly summarize his reason on the phone.  By the time I get home from work it will be too late to give the T 24 hours notice.

Has anyone experienced something similar? 

Yes, I experienced something like this.  It's disturbing because to me it hints at ASPD traits, revealing that the person knows he/she is not being fair, not being 50-50.  If an objective stranger observes what is going on, the whole scheme might unravel.  He's trying to hide something (i.e., the true nature of the relationship).  He wants to keep you in the fog and and to not feel shame for his behavior.

If he just didn't want to pay for the MC, I would be more understanding.  I would rather just talk things out most of the time than have to go to an MC and pay for it.  But it seems like hassle and pay are not the reasons he's citing for not wanting to go. 

So, Tim, ... .of what value would it be for Mustbeabetterway (and other members here, like me) to print out this entire thread and hand it over to him & say to her spouse:

"Johnny, ... .you are my husband that I love dearly and I want things to work out for us so that we totally understand each other's point of view at all times. We made this appointment with the MC and it is so very important to me that we see him together so that we can continue to see progress in our relationship  so that we are both happy, ... (BLAH blah blah --vomit--, blah... .)

   So, Johnny, let's meet with this marriage counsellor and that is that... "

(But this is the REALLY what mustbeabetterway would like to say (i.e the inside voice)-->   "Look here, you twit, ... .I know what you are trying to do and it ain't gonna work, ... we made a MC appointment and you are going to it, with me, ... GOT IT? ... .JEEEEZ... .you are a moron & I cannot believe I walked down the isle with you! The jig is up and you are going to face the music, Big Fella'... ."

[BestVersionOfMe]

My UBPDH wants to cancel our MC appt. scheduled for tomorrow.  We have been twice and he has expressed each time that he doesn't think it is helping.    He doesn't see how a "stranger" can help.  Actually, i think it is revealing some important underlying stuff in our r/s. 

I am feeling especially frustrated because he calls me up being all nice and will not tell me why he wants to cancel the appt. on the phone.  Wants to talk to me in person. 

This sounds like a way to create drama when he could actually just briefly summarize his reason on the phone.  By the time I get home from work it will be too late to give the T 24 hours notice.

Has anyone experienced something similar? 

Yes, I experienced something like this.  It's disturbing because to me it hints at ASPD traits, revealing that the person knows he/she is not being fair, not being 50-50.  If an objective stranger observes what is going on, the whole scheme might unravel.  He's trying to hide something (i.e., the true nature of the relationship).  He wants to keep you in the fog and and to not feel shame for his behavior.

If he just didn't want to pay for the MC, I would be more understanding.  I would rather just talk things out most of the time than have to go to an MC and pay for it.  But it seems like hassle and pay are not the reasons he's citing for not wanting to go. 

So, Tim, ... .of what value would it be for Mustbeabetterway (and other members here, like me) to print out this entire thread and hand it over to him & say to her spouse:

"Johnny, ... .you are my husband that I love dearly and I want things to work out for us so that we totally understand each other's point of view at all times. We made this appointment with the MC and it is so very important to me that we see him together so that we can continue to see progress in our relationship  so that we are both happy, ... (BLAH blah blah --vomit--, blah... .)

   So, Johnny, let's meet with this marriage counsellor and that is that... "

(But this is the REALLY what mustbeabetterway would like to say (i.e the inside voice)-->   "Look here, you twit, ... .I know what you are trying to do and it ain't gonna work, ... we made a MC appointment and you are going to it, with me, ... GOT IT? ... .JEEEEZ... .you are a moron & I cannot believe I walked down the isle with you! The jig is up and you are going to face the music, Big Fella'... ."

You mine as well print this out and light it on fire and get on all fours and bark like a dog.  They have an alternate reality of what is going on.  MC is not gonna work for most unless the Non has made massive changes in their own behavior, as in YOU are 50% of the problem in this marriage, and also has learned or studied how to speak to a BP in terms of S.E.T. and other formulas.  Otherwise you are going into battle with someone who doesn't fight fair and is ONLY interested in proving their "rightness" by manipulating the T. 

[Mustbeabetterway]

So I cancelled the appointment.  I dare to say that as appealing as it sounds (chuckle) dragging someone into counseling under protest would not be beneficial for either of us.

As i have said in previous posts, i am working on changing myself. 

Interesting thread though.  Thanks for your honesty.

[BestVersionOfMe]

So I cancelled the appointment.  I dare to say that as appealing as it sounds (chuckle) dragging someone into counseling under protest would not be beneficial for either of us.

As i have said in previous posts, i am working on changing myself. 

Interesting thread though.  Thanks for your honesty.

I've been messing around with the blame game for 4 years now.  I finally in the last month started to consistently work on myself.  It is really, really hard to feel so screwed over by someone with this illness and not be able to initiate changes in them.  I feel you, I really do.

[Seriously?]

My husband agreed to go,  then rescinded,  then agreed,  then rescinded,  then agreed.  Our appointment is on Monday,  so we shall see.  I get the feeling he knows there is something wrong with him, and is SCARED TO DEATH of a professional telling him that. I never shared with him that I believe he is disordered.  He has had family members,  friends,  and SOs tell him he is crazy lots of times. I think at this point,  I more so am looking for a third party to validate what I am seeing and hearing. Most of it is so unbelievable. He also wants to talk it out without a counselor,  but I am exhausted this time around.  I have much firmer boundaries,  and he really hates that. He has been raging, pulling the silent treatment,  and trying to make me crazy. We have been in contact for only about three weeks.

[BestVersionOfMe]

My husband agreed to go,  then rescinded,  then agreed,  then rescinded,  then agreed.  Our appointment is on Monday,  so we shall see.  I get the feeling he knows there is something wrong with him, and is SCARED TO DEATH of a professional telling him that. I never shared with him that I believe he is disordered.  He has had family members,  friends,  and SOs tell him he is crazy lots of times. I think at this point,  I more so am looking for a third party to validate what I am seeing and hearing. Most of it is so unbelievable. He also wants to talk it out without a counselor,  but I am exhausted this time around.  I have much firmer boundaries,  and he really hates that. He has been raging, pulling the silent treatment,  and trying to make me crazy. We have been in contact for only about three weeks.

In my mind BPD's go to MC for one reason, and that is to make sure the therapist knows that you are at fault and that they are the victim.  And they are really, really good at it.

[Mustbeabetterway]

He actually said that he didn't like the counselor and the only reason I wanted to go was to trot out all his failures and make him look bad.  He thinks the MC was on my side and that it was not going to be helpful. 

Hmmmm.  Tim300 I think you are right, that he has something to hide and that close examination by an objective party would unravel the whole thing. 

Just a big mess!