Boundaries and abuse

[canuck13]

Hello all, I was wondering if any parents out there have experienced their BPD adult child using heavy narcotics (oxys, percocets, even crack cocaine?).   My 21 year old D has been off her lithium and prozac for a month now and instead is taking narcotics in its place... .I cannot believe the change in her personality! SHe is either crying for help or calling me every name in the book, yesterday she told me how stupid I am and that I am ___ing up her life and to ___ off and die... .I am torn between wanting to disown her for being so disrespectful and horrid and wanting to cry because she is so hurt and angry and distraught.  In the past year she has tried to head butt me a couple of times when she is mad (for not getting her way over something?) and has spit in my face (in front of my 2 younger children).  I NEED to set boundaries and advised her yesterday to not contact me if she has noting but hateful things to say to me... .I dont deserve this treatment and NO ONE else would get away with such disrespect to me however all I feel is GUILT! Do I need to grow a thicker skin and shrug it off? For the past 2 years she has been chipping away at me, she loves me/cannot live without me or she hates me and tells me she hopes I die... .I dont want her out of my life but my heart is heavy and my BP is dangerously high.  I need to be strong and healthy for my 16 & 10 year old children... .I cant eat, sleep or focus... .SHE is the one treating everyone like garbage, so why do I feel so guilty? Her dad and I are divorced but good friends, however he can turn it off and tell her to leave him alone, but she has never lived with him... .I however cannot resolve these feelings... .UGH!

CC

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[suchsadness]

Hello canuck13   

I just read your post and can completely relate to how you are being treated by your dd and how it makes you feel hurt, and guilty that you can't help her.  My own BPDdd37 was doing the same things only a short while ago.  The ups and downs of being treated like they love you and need you one minute and in the next moment hate you and can't treat you bad enough is very confusing to say the least.  There is a book called "I hate you, don't leave me" (I believe that is the title) has helped me as well as reading information and support on this website.  I'm not sure where we would be today if I hadn't come here for help. 

I am sorry you are dealing with the added stress of her taking narcotic drugs.  I'm not sure if my dd is doing any sort of drugs as she lives in another state and I rarely see her face to face.  In the past there were times that she would call and treat me horribly, say things that didn't make sense (such as saying she was sexually abused by people I brought into our lives), call me names and tell me to go ___ myself, etc.  I did finally set boundaries with being treated that way and would tell her that I was hanging up the phone now and when she wanted to have a respectful conversation we could talk again.  I stopped answering any texts that were abusive, and there were times that we were at a no contact level.  I wrote a version of the letter that people talk about on this site, from the Valerie Porr's book, and also told her that I loved her and was here for her when she was ready to have a respectful relationship with me.  She hit bottom this summer and contacted me (perhaps because I was her only resource left), and has been much much better since.  It may be that we have been helping her get on her feet that she is treating me better... .and I am not sure what the future is going to bring.  But I do believe that setting boundaries on how she was treating me was a huge turn around in our situation.  It was very very hard when we were at a no contact stage and I worried about her and her children all the time but it was less stressful than being treated so horribly.

I hope that you will take advantage of the support you will find here and also the resources to help you understand BPD and how it involves your whole family.  Validation is also something that has helped me to communicate with my dd and understand her world in a whole different way.  Another thing I did was work with a therapist to help me with my feelings of responsibility and guilt.   Hang in there and let your dd know that you love her, but don't let yourself be abused... .take care of yourself!   

[MammaMia]

canuck

I have heard those exact words from my BPDs for years.  My brother, who I suspect was also mentally ill, loved my mother dearly.  When she died, he could not handle it and fell apart emotionally and physically.  He was a chemical engineer who started self-medicating with alcohol and food.  He lost his job, and became reclusive.  He was found dead from an apparent heart attack 3 years after our Mother passed.

Unfortunately, our children with BPD do not comprehend how our death would devastate their lives.  We are all they have in so many ways.

When I tell my BPDs that someday I will die, and he will have his wish granted ... .he stops making those statements immediately.  I think regardless of the rhetoric about my death, the reality of it terrifies him. 

[lbjnltx]

I am torn between wanting to disown her for being so disrespectful and horrid and wanting to cry because she is so hurt and angry and distraught.

So sorry you are having to deal with all these extremes and dangerous choices your daughter is making.

It seems that some boundaries need to be put in place so that you are able to remain in relationship with your daughter from a safe distance.

 I NEED to set boundaries and advised her yesterday to not contact me if she has noting but hateful things to say to me... .

Do you think this might need to be reframed?  In the mind of a Borderline this is like telling them not to ever contact you again... .not your intention yet they  process things differently.  Perhaps something more like "I believe we both need to be respected.  When I feel disrespected I get upset.  I will let you know that I need to hang up and we can have this conversation when we are both calm."

I dont deserve this treatment and NO ONE else would get away with such disrespect to me however all I feel is GUILT! Do I need to grow a thicker skin and shrug it off?

No... .it is important for you to have a voice and it is important for your daughter to be held accountable (through awareness).

 

For the past 2 years she has been chipping away at me, she loves me/cannot live without me or she hates me and tells me she hopes I die... .I dont want her out of my life but my heart is heavy and my BP is dangerously high.  I need to be strong and healthy for my 16 & 10 year old children... .I cant eat, sleep or focus... .SHE is the one treating everyone like garbage, so why do I feel so guilty? 

Boundaries KEEP us in relationship... .we set our terms and we defend our value based boundaries.  Boundaries can help ease those feelings of guilt because boundaries protect us, teach others how we want to be treated, introduce healthy options to those around us, and keep the door open for relationships to continue.

Encourage your other children to set value based boundaries as well... .not just with their sister... .with all the people in their lives.  Be a  living example to them of how to handle difficult people and difficult situation in a self respecting and healthy way.

lbj