Should I expect an apology from my adult BPD daughter?

[Mom919]

My 25 year old daughter has lived with me her entire life.  And with her step dad for the last 13 years.  She has had two DUI, 3 possessions of weed and is currently without a driver's license, on probation and she has a 3 year old son.  She works part time and goes to college part time on-line.  Emotionally at home, things had been going pretty well, despite the legal problems and the weed issue.  I was actually looking forward to probation so she would have to stop weed and deal with the emotions in a legal way.  I knew there would be issues after she stopped and I helped her get connected with another new counsellor, bought her an e-cigarette, and try to get a plan in place for care of our grandson should she end up incarsarated or in-patient for a while. 

Two days before Christmas there was an altercation because she wanted to drive alcohol while on probably and I said I the paperwork said no.  It led to an altercation with her step dad being scrached all over his face, I had a bloody nose.  She moved to her Dad's house that night and is still there.  I would like to talk and have everyone apologize but I don't know if she can.  Do people with BPD ever really say they are sorry?  It seems so rare and especially to her step-dad who is always her scape goat. 

I'd love some thoughts.  This is about the 4th time she attached her step-dad - and has not apologized once before.  First time attaching me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mom919]

 

I love my 25 year old daughter so much.  I feel lucky that she loves me because she really doesn't love or like many people.  She has BPD. 

I knew something was different about her from a young age.  She couldn't get along with friends or her cousins.  She was always angry and jealous of others in my life.  She needed to be first always.  And as my daughter she always knew she was important to me.

As the teenage years came, so did bigger issues: cutting, drug use - weed, trouble at school and fighting.  She disappeared for two weeks as a senior and I didn't know where she was.  Terrifying and upsetting years.  She was sexually promiscuous.  Started preferring the life in a big city with drug dealers, so I told her either rehab or out of my house the summer after HS.  So 28 days later she was back and started the weed again and friends in downtown.  She recked 3 cars and had two DUIs at age 20.  Started and dropped out of college twice.  She got pregnant to a drug dealer at age 22 and had my grandson at 23.  She tried to get her life together and went back to college, currently almost done with an associate degree.  Was arrested twice last year at age 24 for possession of weed in her car and is on probation.  We had been able to maintain a calm and stable home with her and our grandson, along with me and her step-dad for most of that time.  My daughter seems to have an intense angry attack on my husband once a year and he is tired of it.  Attacked us both on 12/22/14 and moved out.  Would like to get a plan for the future with her.  I love her so much and I want to do all I can to bring stability to her and my grandson.   

[lbjnltx]

Hi Mom919 

Thanks for sharing some of your story with us.  We will do our best to support you and help!

In what ways are you willing to be a support to your daughter?  What boundaries does she violate frequently? (other than the yearly physical altercation she has with your husband).

It seems this last attack was driven by an addiction need (alcohol).  Is she attending a 12 step program as part of her probation?

Look forward to hearing back from you.

lbj

[Kwamina]

Hi Mom919

Thanks for sharing your story and welcome to our online community  Has your daughter been diagnosed with BPD or perhaps another disorder?

Two days before Christmas there was an altercation because she wanted to drive alcohol while on probably and I said I the paperwork said no.  It led to an altercation with her step dad being scrached all over his face, I had a bloody nose.  She moved to her Dad's house that night and is still there.  I would like to talk and have everyone apologize but I don't know if she can.  :)o people with BPD ever really say they are sorry?  It seems so rare and especially to her step-dad who is always her scape goat.  

I'd love some thoughts.  This is about the 4th time she attached her step-dad - and has not apologized once before.  First time attaching me.

This is quite concerning. Do you feel safe around your daughter? To help you assess your current safety situation it might be helpful to take a look at the following document: Safety First

When dealing with someone with BPD, boundaries are very important to protect your own well-being. Do you feel comfortable setting and enforcing boundaries with your daughter? We have some resources here that can help you in your interactions with your daughter when it comes to boundaries:

Boundaries and Values

Examples of boundaries

To help you get a better understanding of what's going on with your daughter I suggest you take a look at the tools and lessons to the right of this message board. There you'll also find information about communicating with a person with BPD. I've also selected some material about communication techniques I think can be useful for you considering the situation with your daughter:

Ending the Cycle of Conflict

Communication Skills - Validation

Take care