Have you read this book yet?

[lbjnltx]

"I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg

If you have... .how are the skills taught helping you and your communication with the people in your life?

If you haven't ... .what is stopping you?

I found this book priceless in our family's interaction and when I use the skills (particularly asking validating questions) our conversations are meaningful and respectful.

What say you Parents?

lbj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Yep, I have read this book several times, plus writing out and putting in my purse or on my home office wall parts that have helped me figure out how  "validation" is a new way to be in many of my relationships. "The Universal Need" and "The Four Rules of Validation" became affirmations for me to keep trying. It feels like the process to integrate these skills into my daily life was a very slow process. Getting to know myself well enough to be sincere has been the first and hardest task. This book pointed this out to me in a way that I could hear. So I keep coming back to refresh myself.

My pwBPD is my DD28 -- I practiced these skills with everyone else first before I found myself applying them with DD28. I was so afraid of the intensity of her reactions - sometimes verbally or physically abusive. I sought out things in our relationship that I could LISTEN to, following the rules.

Have to put out a small fire with gd9. Will try to finish this later.

qcr

[pessim-optimist]

It's a wonderful book. I'd say a must have.

It has helped me understand better the universal need to feel heard and understood and taught me to listen with compassion and offer emotional support rather than offer solutions.

I am very much a "fix it" person, and I was generally uneasy around strong emotions. So, my first reaction was to problem solve or 'make them feel better' by saying something like "it will be ok" or talk them out of their feelings by saying it's not as bad as they saw it.

I did not realize that when someone is having a hard time, they might just need me to listen and be there with them in the moment, and that it is not my responsibility to adopt their problem and solve it for them. What a weight off my shoulders!

And, furthermore, it didn't really dawn on me before reading the book that my 'solutions' or 'pep-talk' might have the opposite effect - that it might sound like I am discounting the person's distress, that I do not understand how they feel and do not consider that important.

This formula from the book has proven really useful to me:

Listen to what is being said.

Listen to the feelings being expressed.

Listen to the needs being expressed.

Understand by putting yourself in the other person's shoes as best as you can.

It is doubly important with persons w/BPD, but we can all identify with it: let's say you've had a stressful day at work, lost your wallet that day and then had a minor car accident on the way home. When you share this with your best friend which of their responses is going to make you feel supported and understood?

1. "Oh man, what a day, when it rains, it pours! I am so sorry... .is there anything I can do to help?"

2. "Oh well, fender-benders happen, your insurance will probably cover the damage. And someone may even find the wallet and return it. Did you file a police report?"

No brainer, right? So, why did I not see it as clearly before?

[lbjnltx]

It's a wonderful book. I'd say a must have.

It has helped me understand better the universal need to feel heard and understood and taught me to listen with compassion and offer emotional support rather than offer solutions.

I am very much a "fix it" person, and I was generally uneasy around strong emotions. So, my first reaction was to problem solve or 'make them feel better' by saying something like "it will be ok" or talk them out of their feelings by saying it's not as bad as they saw it.

I did not realize that when someone is having a hard time, they might just need me to listen and be there with them in the moment, and that it is not my responsibility to adopt their problem and solve it for them. What a weight off my shoulders!

And, furthermore, it didn't really dawn on me before reading the book that my 'solutions' or 'pep-talk' might have the opposite effect - that it might sound like I am discounting the person's distress, that I do not understand how they feel and do not consider that important.

This formula from the book has proven really useful to me:

Listen to what is being said.

Listen to the feelings being expressed.

Listen to the needs being expressed.

Understand by putting yourself in the other person's shoes as best as you can.

It is doubly important with persons w/BPD, but we can all identify with it: let's say you've had a stressful day at work, lost your wallet that day and then had a minor car accident on the way home. When you share this with your best friend which of their responses is going to make you feel supported and understood?

1. "Oh man, what a day, when it rains, it pours! I am so sorry... .is there anything I can do to help?"

2. "Oh well, fender-benders happen, your insurance will probably cover the damage. And someone may even find the wallet and return it. Did you file a police report?"

No brainer, right? So, why did I not see it as clearly before?

I did the same thing pessi-o... .I didn't see it clearly before because like you I thought the best thing to do was alleviate the pain by solving the problem for them or telling them what to do to solve the problem... .made sense right?  Solve the problem... .well... .problem solved... .no discomfort anymore... .only it doesn't always work that way and rarely with  a highly sensitive and emotionally minded person.

Better late than never right pessio-o?

lbj

[pessim-optimist]

I did the same thing pessi-o... .I didn't see it clearly before because like you I thought the best thing to do was alleviate the pain by solving the problem for them or telling them what to do to solve the problem... .only it doesn't always work that way and rarely with  a highly sensitive and emotionally minded person.

Definitely better late than never.

The other thing about telling them/advising them what to do - even if they decide to do what you advised, for some reason they tend to either not be able to do that, or change their mind and when that backfires, they feel even worse.

Or, if they do what you said (but in their way) and it backfires, they blame you.

Most of the time, it's a no-win situation, or a frustrating experience at the very least.

[qcarolr]

Responding in an advice mode is a hard pattern to overcome. I am still inconsistent with it and rush into my response without seeking to remember the validation skills that I do know. Sometimes I read and read again, and still come from my mind (ego - what I need) instead of my heart (emotion, intuition, soul).

Today I had a chance to get it 'right'. And it met my need to enforce a boundary with DD28. She played all the stories that have pulled me to allow her to step on these boundaries in the past. She wanted to come to our house and bring her bf - they needed to get away from where they have been staying and have no place to go.

DD is not taking her meds., not making her T appointments, and Thursday and Friday missed the chance to apply for the Section 8 housing voucher lottery. It is only held once a year in February. The wait list was 4-5 years, so they changed to this lottery system. She has been very irritable the past couple weeks when I have helped her with a ride to get groceries or to make the appointments that she decided to skip. Of course she said OK when I called the day before. Then did not want to go the next morning when I was there to get her. This is an old pattern too.

Here is our text conversation this afternoon over a period of 2 hours. I paused before each of my replies I prayed for a clear mind, open heart, and for guidance from God. I think this allowed me to enter a wise-mind place for a change. I also held in mind that I needed to check in with DH before I made any decisions on her request. I am humbled by the 'success' of this with my boundaries while I was honoring the compassion I feel for DD.

Asking questions instead of making statements seems to be a key in this dialogue. I was seeking the 'truth' of her requests and justifications.

DD: I need to pack up and I really have no where to go

Me: Are you alone?  [I wondered if she wanted to come with bf, but did not include him since he cannot stay in our home - only visit when invited]

DD: I keep having things stolen

Me: What about bf? He has friends. [they have taken breaks of serveral days at a time with bf's friend who has an apartment in past month while living with DD's friend]

DD: Not that I can move in with. Nobody that is absolutely willing to let me have anything and not totally take anything I have.

Me:What was taken?

DD: Lots of things here and there [what a vague answer - hmmm I sense a half truth here]

DD: I can't seem to catch a break anywhere and bf is constantly almost ditching me here and I don't want to be here alone.

Me: Is he ditching you or needs space away from friend's place?

DD: We both need to get out of here but can't leave our stuff unattended.

Me: If you store your extra stuff here, can you find someone to stay with?

DD: No I am just uncared for and I wish I didn't wake up anymore it's stupid feeling so worthless

[I took a long pause of 40 minutes before I replied to this one. She says this often when asking for something I don't want to give her, usually around a place to stay. I thought about what Dh would say and also what gd9 would feel. I knew they could not come to the house -- that boundary is written in stone.  Dh should have been home from work at this time, so I texted him. He would be home in half an hour. So I could wait til he got here to discuss this all with him.]

Me: What has helped when feeling this way in the past?

DD: Umm sleeping or drowning sounds great

[20 minutes before I replied - was she really contemplating harming herself?]

Me: How serious are these feelings about dying?  [I have called the police for a wellness check many times over the past several years.]

There has been no response after this question. My best guess is that her innuendo of self harm was not sincere and she did not want me calling the police. The flow of this information is very familiar. In the past I would have gone to her immediately and tried to find a way to solve her housing problem. Usually at great expense to dh and I. Often with lots of anger when I initially said no, then changed to yes.

Does this experience fit the "Listen, Listen, Listen, Understand" formula that pessio listed?

The other change is that I did all this 'silently' since gd was home. Often I speak to DD or about what i going on with her on phone with dh without sheltering gd from all this grown-up stuff. This causes her distress and anxiety. I believe that she also has a belief that it is up to her to keep the peace in our home. This is an area she is working on in her therapy.

Looking forward to some feedback.

qcr

[CanICallYou]

not yet but. im planning to read it.

[lbjnltx]

not yet but. im planning to read it.

[lever.]

This looks like a book I NEED.

Off to Amazon now!