Son about to be sent to alternative school and BPD Mom continues to blame me

[trying2coparent]

Sigh, I need help. I feel as though the egg-shells are getting higher and wider. I also feel as though my kid's life is on the line due to recent behavioral issues at school.

We recently had a parenting time change from 43-67 to 50-50. We now split time 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. In her time, she continues to brainwash the kids with parental alienation crap. My main concern now is my son. He is getting in-school-suspension after in-school-suspension. It is happening on both of our times.

He is starting to endanger other students and destroying school property. His last referral even states that Alternative Elementary School may be a possibility. After school care, which he uses when on my care, is the same thing with him being closed to being expelled. Ex is actually embracing all of this behavior, not giving him consequences, and is already planning on enrolling him in a private school (with no special education support). It's crazy! She lets the kids stay up late, not do homework, tells them it's ok to act like ___ in after school care, and is now even telling them they have a choice not to come to my house.

Last year, I took him to a psychologist and based on teacher feedback he was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, Anxiety, and Anger. He was on therapy last year for a bit, but had to be removed as she was not paying for her share. It got even worse. I took him to a psychiatrist following the psychologist recommendation, but BPD Mom came in and made me look as if I had Munchhausen Syndrome by proxy. Given the new events, I am taking him back to see a therapist. I had to get it clear by our general doctor (as court ordered when we have a dispute), whom at first refused to get in the middle, but later saw the need. I am afraid BPD Mom will go back at it again with her vagina and make everyone think she is in the right. I'm tired of fighting right or wrong. The kid has major issues that need to be addressed.

We are taking our son to a psychologist next week. I am afraid she will come into the meeting

I am financially drained. The school is getting tired of playing the game between us. The situation is beyond CPS as she is not a drug addict nor she is physically neglecting the kids.

[Turkish]

trying2coparent,

You are in a really tough place. You can't control your Ex or really influence her, but given your sin's bahaviors, have you thought about posting to the Parenting board for help? Your son may not be BPD, but given his Dx and behaviors, parents there may be able to help you deal with him, while you do whatever you can do to get him psych help. Early intervention is key. Have you digested the communication tools here and tried them on your son? Do you sense any change in your 2 weeks with him, or are you not the target of his behaviors as such?

[livednlearned]

Hi trying2coparent,

My son was diagnosed with a similar cluster at age 9: ADHD/ADD combined type, ODD, and anxiety. Not so much the anger.

I agree with Turkish about asking people over on Parenting if they have suggestions. My son (now 13) recently slipped into acute depression so I switched to a psychiatrist that he really likes. The therapy treatment he's using is metacognitive therapy. It's apparently fairly new, but it helps kids pay attention to how they think, instead of what they think. That makes sense to me because S13 is not ready to look at the intense emotions surrounding his dad and all that went with it. He needs a tool or technique to help him manage intense feelings. It sounds like your son might express his anger outwards, whereas S13 expresses more inwardly (depression).

It is pretty tough to get your kids the help they need when there is a BPD parent sabotaging things one way or another, but you can do it.

My ex did the same thing your ex did -- after I had my son evaluated, N/BPDx worked hard to make it seem like I was the one with issues. S13 is labeled gifted so he was scoring above grade level on tests, but he was not doing any assignments in class. I can't imagine what the school thought of those meetings   they were so tense. N/BPDx has a knack for cracking jokes and he kept making everyone laugh. Except me.   

You could request separate meetings when you meet with the psychologist. Or in advance let the psychologist know that there is high conflict, and ask if she/he recommends meeting separately. Or talk on the phone.

It's not uncommon for kids with psyche problems to have a parent (or two) with something similar. Psychiatrists and therapists know this.