Forever apologising? Never doing anything right?

[matilda19]

First of all. I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words last time. It was great to have so much support and assistance in such a difficult time.

So we had some space and everything seemed to calm down but exactly a week later we are back to where we started. Nothing has happened this time but she has been in bed all day crying. Apparently I don't love her and am a failure of a boyfriend. I have been apologising for all of my actions all day. Is all I do is apologise. Does everyone else feel like this? I don't know if she has ever apologised to me. But I must apologise to her multiple times per day. Every day. It is all I do.

I also feel like I can't do anything right. We talk about our problems and it isn't the right time and it triggers her. We sit silently and she wants to talk and it is my fault we aren't talking and it triggers her. I try and touch her or broach physical contact and give her a hug and she tells me to not touch her and to get away. I give her physical space and she will tell me that I never hug her (which isn't true). Whatever approach I take at whatever point in time is never the right way of dealing with it. If she tells me what to do she will berate me for not knowing and for having to guide me and she will tell me I should know what to do if I cared. What the ___ is this?

How do you go on like this? She is upstairs balling her eyes out because I have been trying to explain my behaviour to her. (I failed JADE and began explaining my actions which is a classic mistake but what are you meant to do? I am always wrong and never in a position to defend myself for fear of reprisal?). How is this normal life? How is this a healthy relationship? You are constantly on guard. How does she live like this? How do I live like this? I work 6 days a week. Devote all my free time to her. Have no time for myself. And am constantly told I am useless and a failure. Why does she want to be with me? She is upset for no reason and berates me for not understanding. What is that? This disorder is breaking me. I can't even begin to understand or fathom its depths.

[thepenguin]

Hello,

This is my second post, but certainly hope to add value for you. I'm sorry that you are where you are, and I am in the same boat, although I am married. Before I continue, I'd like to preface that I didn't know my gf at the time (wife now) had BPD. If I had known, I'm not sure how what I would have done, if anything, different.

Firstly, BPD is a mental illness. Those without BPD can't understand those that do, and vice versa. It's like if someone has the flu, they may treat you differently, may be less patient etc, but that's more easily understood than a mental issue. I would suggest a few things. 1) Stop apologizing. You can say things like "Well, that's your opinion of me, you're entitled to it". You can acknowledge her statements and maybe even ask her to explain why she feels that way. It may hurt you, but those words are not your gf. Your gf, when not going through BPD is the real person you love. When she's in her zone, she'll say everything to hurt you, but BPD = "I hate you. Please don't leave me". (abandonment issues)

Recognizing that it is a mental issue, it's really tough to go on "like this". You can see my first post where I commiserated last night on here. I suggest you read the book 'stop walking on egg shells' or something like that. It was a great book for me to understand.

She's not intentionally hurting you, although you are being hurt - like many of us on here. I'm starting to understand the illness and my wife is seeing a psychologist. Even then, I'm at wits end myself, but posting on here (for me right now) helps me. Essentially, they'll hurl insults at us, we have to know that they don't mean it and its NOT true, and we sort of internalize it and then find support, at sites like these to help each other.

Is it fair? No. Is it fun? Absolutely not. But you have a critical choice - you're not married (and according to your post it doesn't indicate you have kids). You have to figure out where your limits are (As the book suggests). If you continue going on, the decision to leave will get harder and harder. I wish someone had sat me down before I got married to "tell me" what was going on. Not sure if things would have been any different, but it would have been good to know.

But to answer your question, no, you're not alone. Yes, we feel like this. When my wife is in the zone, and I ask her if she loves me, she shrugs her shoulder. Today I learned to just hug her if we're not actively "fighting" even though she may not appear to want me to. She doesn't feel worthy to ask, and her body behavior says to get the hell off of me, but that's part of the illness. I hope things work out better for you, but please know, you are most certainly not alone.

[zeus123]

i will give you better advise. leave her asap or you will kill yourself. relationships with BPD do not work and if you stay with her for the next six months you will look ten years older and might develop some diseases from continuous stress or lose your hair. BPD's are sociopath and she is driving you crazy that is her intent she wants to destroy you emotionally that is why therapist calls them emotional vampires. they cheat they lie they manipulate they are incapable of loving they just use the word love as a tool to get what they want and you always feel like you walking on eggshells trying to please them and listening to their problems, the list never ends with a BPD person. trust me start running away from her or you will eventually regret it later.i swear.

[thepenguin]

i will give you better advise. leave her asap or you will kill yourself. relationships with BPD do not work and if you stay with her for the next six months you will look ten years older and might develop some diseases from continuous stress or lose your hair. BPD's are sociopath and she is driving you crazy that is her intent she wants to destroy you emotionally that is why therapist calls them emotional vampires. they cheat they lie they manipulate they are incapable of loving they just use the word love as a tool to get what they want and you always feel like you walking on eggshells trying to please them and listening to their problems, the list never ends with a BPD person. trust me start running away from her or you will eventually regret it later.i swear.

Whoa. That's a bit far. BPDs have a mental illness. Would you leave your SO if they had their arm cut off. What about cancer? Relationships are not all about being happy all the time. I've been with my SO for 6 years now, with BPD getting a bit better over the years. Are there bad nights? Yes, last night was one for me. But as a couple, you work through it. You try your best, so if it all goes to [insert bad word here], you can at least say you've done everything possible.

The OP has not mentioned if his SO is seeking help. That's like saying if your SO had cancer, you'd just walk away, without trying to work through it. Respectfully, sorry, but I'll have to disagree with you. The OP loves his SO. Doesn't he owe it to at least try to help and not just say [bad word here] it, i'm done.

[Samuel S.]

Matilda19, this is a classic case of "damm if you and damm if you don't". So, if you do something, she puts you down. If you don't do something, she puts you down. You are definitely held wondering if you are to do anything. Frankly, working 6 days a week and then trying to please your BPD is a bit much to handle, and you are definitely frustrated.

If you haven't done so already, it is a good idea to suggest individual or couple counseling to her. Things will only get worse, if something like counseling is not tried out. If she refuses, then, it is best for you to see a counselor for your own sanity and to sort out things as to what YOU need and want! The best of luck to you, my friend!

[OnceConfused]

I think Penguin compared apple to orange when Penguin compared BPD to cancer or losing an arm. Loving someone means to elevate that person to new heights. Unfortunately, my experience with BPD was of the opposite, I felt that BPD brought me down to new lows. Why BPD needs to bring us down to new lows? Well, that is how they can break us down and control us (for the fear that we would abandon them).

BPD is not about an illness that can be cured with a dose of drugs or a class in DBT. BPD is a part of that person's psyche and characters. BPD is who they are. we can live with a spouse who has cancer or lost an arm or leg and live very HAPPILY as our days are fulfilled, but with BPD I have not read HERE nor seen a post of a very happy life with BPD. The stories of those who stay with BPD are mostly TRYING TO COPE and TRYING TO GET BY, TRYING TO GET FULFILLED by other friends or activities, while ignoring BPD.

If one has invested so many years and has so many ties with BPD (like assets - homes, retirement or children), then I can see staying might be the way but for those who don't have lots of investment in the relationship, the better way is to invest the time, efforts elsewhere. There are so many good people out there. For example, I was able to leave xBPDgf after 9 months of weekly push-pull encounter, and then met my now wife. We have been married for 7 years and guess what, we only argue ONCE. In contrast, I argued and fought with XBPDGF on a WEEKLY basis (I mean every week we would have a crises of some sort).

Every time I think of XBPDGF I would have cold sweat. Had I stayed, I would have lost the relationship with my 3 daughters (I was a widower with 3 young daughters when I met XBPDGF), I would have lost many if not all of my friends, and worst yet my peace.

[rj47]

Not making a choice to do anything the situation but to continue with the absurd apology cycle is akin to the madness she's putting you through. I did it; for 20 years. Everyone is different. I though I could outlast the demon and eliminate every trigger. It never worked and eventually found its outlet in physical violence, the destruction of friendships and loss of myself.

Make a choice to firmly manage the process with healthy coping behaviors, or, move on is all I can suggest.

I finally said enough. Took me far too long.

[apollotech]

Not making a choice to do anything the situation but to continue with the absurd apology cycle is akin to the madness she's putting you through. I did it; for 20 years. Everyone is different. I though I could outlast the demon and eliminate every trigger. It never worked and eventually found its outlet in physical violence, the destruction of friendships and loss of myself.

Make a choice to firmly manage the process with healthy coping behaviors, or, move on is all I can suggest.

I finally said enough. Took me far too long.

matilda 19,

If you are looking for guidance on making a decision about whether or not you should stay or leave, I would read rj47's testimony several times. He was in the fight for "20 years" thinking he could "outlast the demon." The end result was that he, unfortunately for him and his SO, lost. 20 years is an awfully large chunk of anyone's life. I highly recommend that you spend some time on the "Staying" board in order to understand what staying with a pwBPD entails. Even when it partially works, it is no cakewalk.