Teenage daughter

[uprise]

My 17 year old daughter just moved in with her boyfriend because " she would rather live on streets than live with me", her mother. This is the 2nd time in a month. The last time it was my husband's fault, according to my daughter and a different boyfriend. She hasn't officially been diagnosed with BPD but all the pieces fit. I can't reason with her. She had been in counseling form many years but her counselor terminated their relationship and now my daughter refuses to go. I don't know how to help or manage her. It is awful!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi uprise

Welcome to bpdfamily  Dealing with a child with (suspected) BPD can be quite challenging indeed so I definitely understand why you are finding it difficult to manage her. I am sorry you're in this difficult situation.

Unfortunately none of us are born with the knowledge and skills required to deal with BPD, this is something we all got to learn as we go along. There is already a lot of information available though and that's why I'm very happy you're reaching out for support here. To get a better understanding of what might be going on with your daughter and how best to deal with her, I suggest you take a look at the tools and lessons to the right of this message board.

You say your daughter had been in counseling for many years, what was this for exactly and had she been diagnosed with anything else during that time? At what age did her problems start? And why did her counselor terminate their relationship?

[lbjnltx]

Hello uprise!

Welcome to the site and bpdfamily.

Sorry to hear about your daughter moving out.  I've heard that phrase so many time "I'd rather live on the street"... ."I'd rather live in foster care"... ."I'd rather live in a homeless shelter"... .on and on it went.

Your daughter has done this before and came home... .what was her reason for returning the first time?  Do you think she will come back home again soon?



lbj

[uprise]

I adopted my daughter when she was 9 year old. It was an international adoption. she was with her biological family for a short time, and then on the streets and then in an orphanage. There weren't any records kept. She was emotionally and physically abused along the way. My daughter hasn't reported sexual abuse but I don't know how it would be possible that she wasn't given the circumstances. She has post traumatic stress syndrome and associate personality disorder at the minimum. The therapist letting her go is recent and I haven't had the exit interview yet so I don't have the real story.She came home the first time because the conditions were unbearable. The boyfriends house with cold, filthy, loud and uncomfortable. She had to walk to school in 16 degree weather because she missed her ride and they didn't wait for her. she would have gotten kicked out if she didn't go to school. Her boyfreind turned out to be a jerk and yelled at her every day. She had only known him for a week. Met this one while she was living with other one. This one comes from a dysfunctional family as well, of course.

Thanks for asking.

[lbjnltx]

So sad to hear how much your daughter has had to deal with in her short life.

It seems she is destined to return home again.  Do you have plans to put her back into therapy?  What kind of therapy was she previously receiving?

I'm sure all of this has taken a toll on you over the years as well.  Have you had a chance to look around the site yet?  Any questions I can try to answer for you? 

Bless you

lbj

[uprise]

I am not sure if i should just let her come back and forth. The first time she accepted the consequences for breaking the rules, which was a grounding and agreed to follow the rules. Should I only let her back if she agrees to go to counseling? I don't know how hard of a line to draw? any thoughts? she is very emotional

[lbjnltx]

I am not sure if i should just let her come back and forth. The first time she accepted the consequences for breaking the rules, which was a grounding and agreed to follow the rules. Should I only let her back if she agrees to go to counseling? I don't know how hard of a line to draw? any thoughts? she is very emotional

Did she want to stop counseling before?  Does she need a different kind of therapy?

It was understood in our family that as long as my d lived in my home she was going to be in therapy.  It was not negotiable.  When weekly outpatient therapy failed to gain significant ground my d went into inpatient care for almost a year.

Do the terms of her adoption provide for her therapy financially?  Do you believe that therapy is helping her at all?

[DisneyMom]

I would not give up on therapy for her. A new therapist could make a huge difference. My DD has had some therapists she didn't like at all and others she did really like, connect with and are helpful. Black and white, of course.

Yes, I would let her back home, but not bring up therapy immediately. She is 17, still a minor, so I don't think you can make it conditional to have her back home when she returns (and no doubt she will). If she was 18, yes definitely, I'd make therapy (with a new person) required.

Do meet with the therapist that "let her go" and find out the real story. A lot of therapists just aren't willing or able to work with BPD clients. In any case, if she wasn't getting anywhere with this person, it was for the best. No doubt your DD feels hurt and rejected and probably needs a lot of empathy. My guess is there a big part of the story your DD neglected to tell you, which is why you should meet with her therapist yourself.

I understand just quietly waiting for her to return because you know despite her irrational raging she'll come to the reality that the cold real world in no way beats the safe comfort of your home. And you want her to come to this realization on her own, which would be easiest on your relationship. However, if you think she is in danger, can you report her as a runaway? I know in my area you can do this. And the police will go and return her to your house if they find her. She is still a child and you do not have to "allow" her to move out like this on her whims. Enough times of this and she could wind up in some kind of ordered care, which may be much safer than out her own with the latest boyfriend. Just something to think about.

[uprise]

The police in my town will bring her back if I ask them to but my husband and I have decided to wait until she wants to come back or until the family kicks her out. It is so sad. I just can't reason with her. I will definitely talk to her previous counselor and get the story. I have showed a lot of understand and empathy. The problem arose when she asked if she could sleep over her boyfriends house because he needed emotional support and I said no. she bolted.

[lbjnltx]

The police in my town will bring her back if I ask them to but my husband and I have decided to wait until she wants to come back or until the family kicks her out. It is so sad. I just can't reason with her. I will definitely talk to her previous counselor and get the story. I have showed a lot of understand and empathy. The problem arose when she asked if she could sleep over her boyfriends house because he needed emotional support and I said no. she bolted.

Willing cooperation trumps forced compliance every day of the week!

You are correct uprise... .you cannot reason with her.  This was my first clue with my daughter that there was something going on far beyond obstinance or being strong willed.  Her mind doesn't use reasoning skills... .she is overwhelmed with emotionally driven thoughts.

I learned many ways to say "no" to my daughter... .usually we would reach a compromise... .staying at his house until midnight and then I would come pick her up... .inviting the boyfriend to our house and then taking him home.  Arranging for them to spend time together the next day doing something special... .

The key to getting to the negotiation stage (which is a high level skill for both people to use) we had to both feel heard and understood.  We used validation to get there.  Of course not every request or situation is negotiable.

As my daughter got older we replaced negotiating with validating questions in our efforts to give her more freedom and control over her life... .to continue to individuate.  The validating questions from me were to help guide her to thoughtful decisions based on her emotional needs balanced by realistic outcomes. 

Communication in a style and manner they are open to is key to helping them and giving us back some sense of power over our own selves and lives.

Have you read about validation?  What do you think?

lbj

[peace in steel town]

For what it's worth, I think that you walk a very dangerous line. If you tell her no, and she bolts, this may become her way of dealing with conflict with you. If you allow her back in, don't be surprised if she bolts again the next time you say no. Your front door may well turn into a revolving door if she runs every time you say no, and then she returns when she feels like it. You will lose all sense of power if she can come and go as she pleases. Yes, therapy sounds good, but you may have a hard time leading a horse to water and making her drink. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I think it is important in uncertain times to remember what the goal is... .if the goal is to keep our child safe (a legal and moral obligation) and to get them help we can run our decisions through this filter to help us determine what actions to take.

Safety is a first priority.  If your child is not safe where they are then action needs to be taken.  If they are safe then there is time and space to work out the terms of her coming home, staying where she is, going somewhere else, returning to therapy, etc... .

lbj

[uprise]

The laugh is on me. She still feels that anything is better than living with me. She and her boyfriend are trying to find an apartment together. the boyfriend's family gave them a week to stay there before he kicks them out. She is a high school junior. She plans on staying in school, getting a part time job and getting an apartment. God help me. I hope she can do it because i don't want her coming home. She doesn't want to follow our stupid rules. Thinks we are crazy that will don't want our 17 year old sleeping over her boyfriend's. Good for us for having morals, we will have our 17 year old, living with her boyfriend instead. (sarcasm intended). I don't now what is going to happen

[lbjnltx]

I can see that you are hurting here uprise.  The combination of frustration, fears, and powerlessness brought me to my knees many a time.

I often reverted to sarcasm as the best way to express these feelings and release tension... .sometimes I still do.

The laugh is on me. She still feels that anything is better than living with me. She and her boyfriend are trying to find an apartment together. the boyfriend's family gave them a week to stay there before he kicks them out. She is a high school junior. She plans on staying in school, getting a part time job and getting an apartment. God help me. I hope she can do it because i don't want her coming home. She doesn't want to follow our stupid rules. Thinks we are crazy that will don't want our 17 year old sleeping over her boyfriend's. Good for us for having morals, we will have our 17 year old, living with her boyfriend instead. (sarcasm intended). I don't now what is going to happen

Hold firm to your boundaries, worry less about the sense of shame her choices are causing you (if that applies) and focus on what/where you have power.  THe likelihood of them getting an apartment (or even the $ for a deposit are slim to non) within a week.

While she states she would rather live anywhere than at home... .she has already once proven that is not true.  She is immature, has no skills to reason, thinks in a make believe/magical world, and needs her mom to be strong, stable, and steadfast.

It may be tomorrow, it may be next week, it may be next month... .be ready.




lbj

[uprise]

Thank you for the responses. I agree that the chances of this working out is slim, but frankly what scares me the most is her coming home because she is open about not wanting to follow certain rules. She doesn't drink or do drugs and  is happy to go to school. I am grateful for that. She wants to go and go as she pleases and we can't approve her sleeping out at her boyfriends. I had a idea that I haven't thought through yet. I am thinking that i could charge her rent and the rules would go along with that. No guests in the house (that would eliminate the stress of having boys over the house). she could come and go as she pleases as long as she tells us where she is. She wouldn't have any of the small privileges that she had before, such as allowance, asking for specific foods at the supermarket, using my credit card for videos, my driving her around. etc. Like i said i haven't thought it through, it is just a thought. A compromise of sorts but i am concerned that I am doing all of the comprising and she is getting exactly what she wants, although moving back in with us, would be a last resort for us. she would definitely prefer to move in with her boyfriend if she could swing it.

[lbjnltx]

Good morning uprise... .

When I read the post you made this morning the first thing that came to my mind is that there is a desire on your part to have some control.  We all need to have some sense of control over our environment, relationships, lives! in order to feel safe.  What can we really control uprise? 

Once our children reach a certain stage of development (or even weight/height/age) we lose the ability to control them.  When the stages of development occur in a child it is a natural process, a step towards individuation.  Since your d is approaching 18 how much power/control do you want to exercise over her and her life?

Having control over the environment *your home* is your right.  How we exercise our powers regarding our home, children, and relationships does need careful thought and consideration.  I would want to caution you that since your child is not an adult and you might me legally responsible for her well being that your choices stay within legal boundaries as well as your personal ones. 

Please take a look at this information:

Communicate Boundaries & Limits


Does the information make sense to you when you apply it to your situation?

Do you have any questions we can help you with?

lbj

[jaxon64]

If she is like my stepdaughter--and most likely she is since she has BPD also--the boyfriend's family will tire of her quite quickly. The BPD child often can be quite charming to strangers or new acquaintances and pure evil and vitriolic toward those who deeply care for them. However their relationships sour quickly and she will be out on her rear very soon.

I even had to hold my ground and let my stepdaughter end up in a halfway house/shelter for a short time until she hit a bottom and agreed to our terms for living in my home.

At least that one thing we did to assist her worked since she began NA and has now had 5+ years clean and sober. Unfortunately she also ended up pregnant and now my wife and I are in our late 40's early 50's and raising our 4 year old granddaughter for our emotionally incapable daughter.

As my wife reminds me over and over, "remember that she is sick. She has an illness and is not capable of thinking like you and me, not capable of handling things like a normal person."