Parental relationship in trouble

[Wish]

Hi,

Being a parent of a BPD is really tough.  Doing it on your own is tougher.  I resent that my husband does not know anything about my daughters condition, only what I share with him, which doesn't stick.    I can't rely on him to take BPD daughter to appointments or support her when she needs it, as he isn't clued into what goes on around the house, he just lets me deal with it, then believes doing some dishes or cooking a meal every now & again is support.  I have two children with Mental health issues and I am really struggling.  I wish I was alone, then maybe I wouldn't feel so resentful. Having him around just makes me cross, but financially I don't earn enough to support us alone.

I seem to go from listening & pepping up one child, then to the other child in a the day.  Takes so much time and patience and I am suffocating. I have given husband books and articles to read, but he prefers to read the news and history!  He won't let me get help for us if it costs money. One Powerball!    Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Wish,

I understand your resentment. It's tough to feel like you are pulling all the weight of the difficult tasks at home.

You must be exhausted... .

Do you feel like your husband doesn't care about your kids' conditions or do you think he feels clueless and intimidated?

I wonder what the reason is for his refusal to let you get help for them. Is it too costly, or does he believe they don't need it?

In either case, this must be really overwhelming for you. What would you say to a little vacation for yourself? Do you have a chance to 'escape' a bit regularly, to do something for yourself that is relaxing and that will take your mind off of the constant pressure?

[Ohiomom01]

I feel your pain. We have been trying to help our DD who is 15 for two years with BPD. The first year and a half, I would say I felt resentful a lot in the same ways. I was the one who had to make sure meds were administered, visits to therapists and doctors scheduled and attended, the one up dealing with the episodes, the one taking DD to hospital at night so husband could get sleep and go to work the next day etc. It is really easy to be soo overwhelmed with the situation and sometimes the husband is an easy target for you to place your frustrations and let downs.

In my personal situation, I try to see the positives in everything. It sounds like, although your husband doesn't take the initiative to read about your daughters' issues, he is willing to listen to you talk about them. This in itself is a way of supporting everyone. If he can not directly support the girls, to the degree you would like to see, try to let him be your support. Share your burdens with him - even if all he can do is listen. To me listening is a huge support. And the fact that he is making dinner once in awhile may be how he knows to show his concern for your stress and is his way to support you.

I think it would be great if you could be specific with him in what you need from him. People can't meet our expectations if they don't know exactly what they are. Maybe you are "suggesting" he read a book rather than telling him you NEED him to read this book and talk about it with you?

I just want to offer hope that I was in a bad place with my personal marriage for awhile during this incredibly stressful time but I came to find out that my husband does care - I just had to accept that he has to express it in his own way - not necessarily the way I would like. If things are too much of a problem for me, I make it clear what I need from him specifically.

Hang in there. Try to forgive him - and forgive yourself for feeling resentment. I think it is ok to allow yourself to feel resentful as long as you can feel it, and try to move on from there.

[DisneyMom]

I just want to say that you are totally right, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Having a child or children with mental illness is very hard on a marriage. You aren't alone with that struggle. My husband and I both love and care about our kids, but many times my approach and DH's approach is totally different, and it's frustrating to us, confusing to our kids. Sometimes, it's one day at a time, hang in there!

[qcarolr]

I just want to say that you are totally right, I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Having a child or children with mental illness is very hard on a marriage. You aren't alone with that struggle. My husband and I both love and care about our kids, but many times my approach and DH's approach is totally different, and it's frustrating to us, confusing to our kids. Sometimes, it's one day at a time, hang in there!

I can really relate to this. Dh still brings up money as an obstacle for treatments. Both Dd28 and gd9 have medicaid now, so there is no money involved. I have been asking him to look underneath the money and ask himself what other emotions are there. He has gotten really defensive and resistant to discussing issues. As I have been asking him for specific help, our communication has improved.

Maybe this is a 'guy thing'. Maybe it is a need to feel in 'control' of a situation and able to have some prospect of things getting 'fixed'.

He has also been bringing things from his childhood into our conversations. How set against any kind of therapy his dad was. I experienced this directly during some times when I was really depressed when DD was little. It is like he is listening to his dad in his head and reaching back to really old patterns. We have been trying to manage life with a disfunctional DD for a really long time -- most of her life.

Awareness is so vital as we try to move forward in our life together. I still get really angry with dh when I feel like his actions undercut what I am trying to accomplish with either of our girls.

Don't give up. Asking for feedback from dh about things I am reading or trying has helped things shift to a better place.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

Hi,

Being a parent of a BPD is really tough.  Doing it on your own is tougher.  I resent that my husband does not know anything about my daughters condition, only what I share with him, which doesn't stick.    I can't rely on him to take BPD daughter to appointments or support her when she needs it, as he isn't clued into what goes on around the house, he just lets me deal with it, then believes doing some dishes or cooking a meal every now & again is support.  I have two children with Mental health issues and I am really struggling.  I wish I was alone, then maybe I wouldn't feel so resentful. Having him around just makes me cross, but financially I don't earn enough to support us alone.

I seem to go from listening & pepping up one child, then to the other child in a the day.  Takes so much time and patience and I am suffocating. I have given husband books and articles to read, but he prefers to read the news and history!  He won't let me get help for us if it costs money. One Powerball!    Any suggestions?

Dear wish,

I could have (and most likely did) written this myself 6 years ago.

What was going with my husband:

Denial... .  His ego would not allow him to accept that his child was not whole and "perfect".  Denial is a healthy stage of grieving (and usually the first stage of grieving).  It only becomes unhealthy when we are stuck in it for much too long... .and how long is too long is an individual thing.

When my daughter was 2 years old we took her to a counselor because she had extreme defiance (even for a 2 year old!) and severe separation anxiety... .he suggested to us that she be placed in play therapy at a child study center.  My  husband said "NO".  I have wondered over the years how our lives and my daughters  well being might have been different if I stood my ground and took her to therapy... .would they have said to me... "you have a highly sensitive child and we can help you learn to parent her according to her needs"?   That will forever remain unknown... .so I live with that regret.

Fast forward 9 years... .my daughter has been diagnosed with  ODD, MDD, psychosis, and traits of BPD. My husband could no longer deny that there are big problems and like your husband lets me handle all the aspects of education, medication, therapy, and parenting.  He read not one single book that came into our home... .and I have a complete library

Fast forward 4 years... .outpatient therapy is not making significant ground and we are spinning our wheels.  After much prayer, acceptance, and research I made the decision that my daughter needed to go to long term inpatient care if we were going to get a handle on her disorders and give her a chance to have a fulfilling life.  My husband said "NO"... .not this time... .I stood my ground while validating his fears and I had to go so far as to tell him that I would legally separate from him  to fund her treatment if it came to that... .I also told him that I  would remarry him in a heartbeat too.

My husband relented and allowed her to go to an RTC where he participated in her therapy alongside me.  He never regretted "allowing" her to go and their relationship was healed.  Sadly he passed away in Nov. of 2013 and I am so very glad that I had the courage to do the right thing for all of us.

I'm in no way telling you to divorce your husband or defy him.  What I am telling you is to not allow another's fears (even your own fears) to stop you from taking positive action to help your child... .your family. 

I am the one who will look at myself in the mirror each day and live with MY choices... .I live with one regret... .and the pain of that regret is eased when I acknowledge to myself that in the end... .I did the right thing for my family.

lbj