My son has not been diagnosed with BPD...

[Confused12]

My son has not been diagnosed with BPD but the more I read the more it fits. Everything I see about BPD makes me feel hopeless and helpless as I recognise the symptoms and traits. It's been a scary realisation. I try and do all the right things but every time our conflict ends the same way- I need to break this cycle but I don't know where to start. I am quite scared of joining forums for BPD as I'm afraid I will hear all negative things and right now I need hope for my son. His relationship is, yet again in tatters, our relationship is limping along- I am so afraid I won't cope, I will fail because I don't know what to do. If I feel alone and helpless how must he feel? HELP-

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Confused12



So glad that you took that leap of faith and joined the site... .even more glad that you had the courage to make your first post and tell us little bit about your son.

Take heart!  There is much to be hopeful for and about in regards to your son and your relationship with him.  You are accurate in your realization that changes need to occur if you want a different outcome in your interactions with your son.

This first thing you can do is watch this video:

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict  There are other videos and articles you might find helpful there too!

If you look to the right you will also find more information on S.E.T. as well as information on validation.  We have workshops that you can participate in to sharpen your skills and get deeper understanding of your skills.

How old is your son?  Does he live with you?

I look forward to your reply!

So glad you are here.

lbj

[Eggdad]

Dear Confused12,

lbj and others on this forum are wonderfully helpful at pointing newcomers at practical information and skills. You have found a great place to help your son and yourself in your ordeal.

What I can offer you is a short testimony that I hope will bring you hope and give you some courage. Two years ago my then 20 yo daughter (dd) had been spiraling down while nothing my wife or I did seemed to help her in any way. Dd had had clear emotional problems since she was 7 yo, started cutting around 14 and was dxed with major depression at 19. Fortunately she never tried drugs. One year after her depression DX, even with antidepressants and therapy, she didn't get better. Then my wife's therapist said the magic words BPD. At the time dd had emotional breakdowns almost every day, cut herself, was verbally abusive to us and had a lot of trouble maintaining any kind of social contact. The BPD DX pointed us to effective therapy for dd and communication skills for us. It hasn't been a linear path, dd has recently started with a fifth therapist in two years and her "adventures" would make a action packed thriller, but today she is in her second session studying part time at the university, lives in her own apartment with a wonderful bf and when she comes back home for an evening we have a wonderful time. She still has some emotional breakdowns, but only about once a month and they are far less severe and she recovers from them much faster. She can handle many situations that would have caused her to breakdown before. We still finance her apartment, I hope she will be able to get a summer job next summer but maybe she's not quite there yet. I believe that two years from today she will have recovered (or remissed, if you prefer that term) enough that BPD will become a background difficulty and she will be able to prioritize other aspects of her life, weather it be full time studies or a job.

You're right, the BPD DX is scary. Getting better will take time and a lot of hard work, especially from your son. But it is possible. Dd has told me a few months ago, after ditching her fourth therapist, that she couldn't imagine NOT working to recover from BPD and that each therapy has helped her even if she ended them due to conflicts with therapists. I hope your son accepts his DX and is willing to work at getting better.

Have hope, there is a path out of this, filled with zigzags and mudholes, but still a way out.