Adult daughter not diagnosed but ticks all boxes

[Broken Reality]

I am mother of adult daughter now 26. All my intuition tells me that tragically over the past 4 years my daughter has had some sort of breakdown.  She was the perfect happiest infant sweetest temperament and wonderful loving child. In infancy suffered 2/3 febrile convulsions and intermittently throughout childhood had 3/4 ' absences' brought on by fever or sudden shock or fall.  At that time 'petit mal' was mentioned not diagnosed but she did not present other symptoms and the diagnosis was inconclusive. At fourteen she fell again and experienced a 'far away down a tunnel experience'. It was not repeated and the doctor dismissed any diagnosis. She underwent neurological tests to dismiss anything sinister and all was unfounded.  However at 16 she collapsed early a.m. behind a locked bathroom door and her brother and I heard this and found her 'coming to' on the floor. She was henceforth admitted to hospital and wired up to obtain observation. On going to the toilet in the ward she collapsed again.  The end result after being discharged 48 hours later on returning home and having another faint was that same week she was diagnosed with vaso vagal syncope.

I requested that she go through again ECG EEG and other tests to dismiss other neurological diagnosis. 15 months later It was such a relief that at last a firm diagnosis was given of VVagal Syncope.

By this time my daughter had lost confidence in her physiological self and understandably dared not leave my side. She and I and her brother had always been close and strong together.  A very loving family. The same week she took ill in the bathroom her brother (lifetime playmate) went off to university. This was a huge upheaval for her.

It took a further 2 years before she regained confidence and restarted a healthy outlook upon life. By 19 she had regained her composure was a beautiful talented loving compassionate young lady with a unique empathy and sensitivity for everyone. She and I were so close and great friends. She found again she could be outgoing. She missed her brother. She was interested in the plight of others and human beings with an almost beyond her years understanding.  I cannot emphasise how blessed I was with such a daughter.  I did all I could to encourage her independence but she remained dependent which I could only be patient with.

The BPD symptoms has been a gradual realisation of mine.

She on finding a degree of independence at 20 began changing her personality. Not simply growing up! Attacking me verbally and periods of strange inappropriate laughter which made me feel very uncomfortable. It is very worthwhile to tell you that my 2 children's father whom I loved dearly and was an excellent sweet sensitive kindly man had a personality breakdown at the age of 29 and he developed similar symptoms to what my daughter has displayed. Since the age of 21 my daughter has effectively ,pulled the blind down upon me, with the heartbreak and chasing after her trying to bring her kind personality back.  I was unaware at the time in the 'eye of the storm' what was happening.  At its worse 2 years ago it all had a devastating effect on me. I was not allowed to see her by herself. She moved out of the family home to live with her friend and her parents and I was suddenly a bad mother. Yet patiently and loving devoted my life to both their welfare happiness health and education giving lots of wonderful memories and loving being a parent. Because of the tragic circumstances surrounding her father (who took no more interest in his children) I was vigilant in case either child should show a predisposition for the same. Neither did until adulthood and by then I was being bullied and confused by the loss of @her@. Everything has gotten so bad. She was 26 on Monday last and her brother departed for Australia the previous week. I had hoped to see her on her birthday as she made no effort to say goodbye to her brother 'all together' which was very heart breaking for her brother and I. I went along to the airport. So this week I appealed to see her  yet again. For the first time in 4/5 months she 'tried' to call the eve of her birthday. Yet never tried again.  I called her boyfriends number(coincidentally I am not permitted to know her own direct number or where she lives)I can only contact her through her partners mobile - the indignity I must agree to if I wish to speak with her. He has been a great help to her and her job but I have been unable to get to know any more. I have had various lengthy times months after painful communication that I refrain from contacting her at all. Last night was because of her recent birthday and I had hoped she realised we loved each other!  Last night I was so loving yet immediately the conflict resumed and horrified to hear she wanted to accuse me of child abuse. Locking her behind a cupboard door! This is shockingly appalling and horrific to hear as all unfounded. She is more and more not herself anymore and sounding quite disturbed ruminating always about the past and full of bitter recriminations I can scarcely keep up with.  I have done no wrong to justify all of this. Yet lives with her partner who has only known the NEW daughter! He himself said last week he does not understand why she is like this!  I am beside myself with disbelief and heartbreak as to where to go for HELP HELP HELP!.  As this is all completely unfounded as I know before God I was a great mother. Tee total no drugs no boyfriends - just devoted to their happiness and well being.  What must I do about this.  I have been much stronger this past year or so staying away from the toxicity and draining emotion and recognise clearly she is very disturbed yet sounds plausible.  My character is at stake as well as her health and it seems like a slipperly slope if she is convinced I am the root of her problem.  Apologies for such an outpouring but this only took place last evening!        

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello BrokenReality



We are glad that you are here telling us your story.  So very sad to learn of your broken relationship with your daughter.  From what you wrote about her earlier years with neurological problems it seems this may have played a role in her psychological development.  The loss of her dad and brother must have been such a blow to her as well.  So sad.

The physical distance from her as well as emotional distance must be so hard on you as a loving mom.  

It is good to learn that you have made use of this time away to grow stronger.

Has your daughter been participating in any kind of therapy since becoming an adult?

Have you been learning communication skills that are helpful in your relationship with your daughter?  If you need help with learning which skills are beneficial we are here to help.

There are skills and lessons on the right of the page to give you some information and instruction.  We can answer any questions you might have and help you along the way.

I look forward to your reply so that I can continue to learn how to best support you.

lbj

[Skip]

I was so loving yet immediately the conflict resumed and horrified to hear she wanted to accuse me of child abuse. Locking her behind a cupboard door!

This is shockingly appalling and horrific to hear as all unfounded.

She is more and more not herself anymore and sounding quite disturbed ruminating always about the past and full of bitter recriminations I can scarcely keep up with.  I have done no wrong to justify all of this. Yet lives with her partner who has only known the NEW daughter! He himself said last week he does not understand why she is like this!  

I am beside myself with disbelief and heartbreak as to where to go for HELP HELP HELP!.  As this is all completely unfounded as I know before God I was a great mother. Tee total no drugs no boyfriends - just devoted to their happiness and well being.  

What must I do about this.  

I have been much stronger this past year or so staying away from the toxicity and draining emotion and recognise clearly she is very disturbed yet sounds plausible.  My character is at stake as well as her health and it seems like a slipperly slope if she is convinced I am the root of her problem.  Apologies for such an outpouring but this only took place last evening!        

I'm so sorry to hear that it has taken this turn.  How is your relationship with her partner?

[NorthernGirl]

Hi Broken Reality and let me join lbjnltx and Skip in welcoming you to our community.

I'm sorry you have been through such a difficult time and are now feeling cut off. I'm sure it is difficult to make sense of it all when you feel you have done your best.

My stepson SS22 has struggled with addiction and anxiety issues. His mom is likely BPD but S22 doesn't acknowledge that. Instead he blames his DH. I think it because it is to painful to face the truth. And in his case, blaming makes it easier for him to not have to look at himself or his behaviours. If everything is someone else's fault, he doesn't have to do any of the work.

Please tell us more about what makes you think she has BPD. We're glad you joined us.