Ready to give up.

[CookieMom]

I have a daughter who turned 18 in November and is in her senior year of high school. I really should say that she is struggling to finish, as she has missed a great amount of school the last 2 years due to a hospitalization, panic episodes, chronic nightmares, body memory flashbacks, and severe emotional dysregulation. She has been suffering with symptoms of PTSD and depression since 7th grade. However, as the years have gone by, her illness has evolved to include borderline symptoms as well, i.e., emotional dysregulation, cutting, impulsiveness, emptiness, suicidal ideation, gestures, and threats, interpersonal chaos, alternately idealizing and denigrating relationships, and now anorexia. She has a history of being sexually assaulted once, around the ages of 8-9 and then again in 10th grade. We have been told repeatedly by her psychologist, who has seen her since 6th grade, that complicated PTSD can look like BPD. However, after living 24/7 with our D's behavior, I believe this has only delayed an obvious diagnosis and hampered her in getting DBT and/or some other type of treatment that has been shown to be effective in treating this disorder.

At first glance, you would never suspect our daughter is so ill. Except for her thinness, she is gorgeous, highly intelligent, extremely well spoken, and very talented. Her psychometric testing revealed a near genius IQ. She has a beautiful voice, and is gifted in singing,drawing, photography, and fashion design. She has a heart for animals and supports all sorts of justice related causes. As far as we can tell from teacher reports and her guidance counselor, our D has never displayed her anger or dysregulation at school. I think it takes all her energy to keep it together while she's there. Her relationships tell otherwise. The boys she's picked have ended up "using" her, and she has completely fallen apart when the relationship ends. The last boyfriend did get a glimpse of her behavior toward me and actually told her he didn't like how she treated me. I love my daughter so very much, but I have grown to dislike her intensely, because of how she has treated me, my H, and my other D these last 6 years. God forgive me. I don't even recognize myself, nor do I recognize my once sweet little girl.

In addition to all the classic sxs of BPD, our daughter has a 2 year history of periodically assaulting me (pushing, kicking, hitting), knocking over furniture, throwing things (good-bye cell phones and home phones), and threatening violence, even though she has not carried out the frightening threats. Our 13yr. old daughter shares a bathroom with her and is privy to every threat she has made. Our eldest has also developed anorexia and recently grabbed our 13 year old by the neck during a food argument, leaving behind scratch marks that lasted for several days. My daughter says that she doesn't even remember when she gets violent. We are at a loss about what to do since we really don't want to have her go to jail when the underlying problem is mental illness. About 17 months ago, I left home and stayed with a friend for about 6 weeks after she hit me. I finally returned home after she was hospitalized and her therapist felt she would only make progress if I came home and reconciled with my husband. (I forgot to mention that our marriage has been strained to the breaking point due to disagreements on how to deal with our D's behavior).

Our D is also in 2X week psychotherapy, and sees a psychiatrist at least 1X month for med adjustments. Sadly, it is my observation that the psychiatrist has distanced herself as my D's symptoms have worsened.  During one appt. at which my D was experiencing Parkinsonian symptoms due to a neuroleptic, her doctor failed to recognize the sxs and shamed her, stating that she was walking like a "little old lady."

I bring this up only because we are very limited in the number of local professionals who have expertise in treating BPD and her doctor has told me that she doesn't feel that is my daughter's diagnosis. I disagree but have little control now that she is 18, and a legal adult. Despite living in a college town, I cannot locate anyone whose specialty is in treating BPD. It's so discouraging. Her psychologist has been seeing her since 6th grade. Several of my friends who know something about her illness have questioned me about whether or not we think her treatment is effective. I don't even know what to say. Our D didn't even really buckle down and work in treatment till her last hospitalization about 1 1/2 years ago. I know her therapist sends home DBT worksheets (my suggestion) but I don't see her working on them or being held accountable for the information in them.

Our family life is in ruins. We cannot travel as our D's behavior is erratic and she cannot tolerate being with any of us for any length of time without becoming very angry. Compounding her BPD symptoms is her Misophonia or Selective Soft Sound Sensitivity. This causes rage reactions when she is triggered by soft sounds such as breathing, chewing, drinking, eating, and a host of other sounds that would be considered normal in other circumstances. She cannot eat with us unless she has on headphones and only occasionally at that. We haven't had a real family vacation in years. Our aging parents cannot see their grandchildren unless we bring our youngest separately and one of us stays home with the other. Our eldest is constantly swearing and calling us horrible names for minor things. If we say no to a request she has made, she will yell and scream and cry and become so dysregulated that it ruins our whole evening or day. The emotional fallout weighs heavily on everyone.We cannot have anyone over for fear they will be exposed to our daughter's behavior.

My mother is the only family member who knows the full extent of our D's problems. She is a mental health nurse (as am I) and has nothing but compassion for us. I don't know what I would have done these past years without her to listen. But, I've been withholding some things even from her, so as not to cause her undue stress. She is now 83 and lives with her 2 dogs since my father passed away several years ago. I also have an adult brother with paranoid schizophrenia, who is on disability but is actually fairly stable. She does worry about him and how he will get along once she's gone. Two of my other brothers won the genetic lottery and have very stable lives and emotionally stable children. Another brother has suffered with depression, anxiety and some substance abuse, as he felt the brunt of my other brother's undiagnosed schizophrenic symptoms during his younger years. I have suffered with depression and anxiety on and off since high school but never received any counseling till after college and no medication till my late 30's. I know longer attempt to speak with my brothers about our situation, as previous subtle hints I've made have been met with judgement or minimization of the problem.

I joined this group because it's my last effort to try and do something positive for myself. I've taken the Family Connections class through NEABPD along with my husband within the past year. I've come to feel  I must be the dumbest mom on the planet as my attempts to validate my child's emotions or situations are usually met with dripping sarcasm. My anger, hurt and despair keep getting in the way of real empathy as well. Honestly, my husband doesn't even try to use validation, because his brain is simply not wired that way at all. He just tries to avoid dealing with her as much as possible. Since I'm the one with the mental health background, he leaves most of the interactions up to me. Both my D and I were seeing the same therapist, and I finally left last year when I could no longer stand some of the boundary and empathy problems that were surfacing. I have not returned to treatment at this time since I can't stand the idea of traveling the long road of trust building again. At this point, my outlook is pretty hopeless. I know I need to take more active steps to help myself, but even that seems to take too much effort now. Thank Heaven my sleeping meds work, because that is the only time I find rest from thinking about this nightmare. My attempts to try mindfulness exercises are helpful when I'm able to focus enough. 

I know that no one can change things except me. But what do I do when I get to the end of me?

Thanks so much for listening. I hope I don't scare anyone off. 

Cookie Mom

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Restored2]

Hi CookieMom.  WOW... .My heart sincerely goes out to you and your challenging situation.  What you are experiencing is extremely difficult.  Your holding up in the midst of this for as long as you have speaks volumes of your good character and stamina.  Your daughter obviously needs better therapy than she has been receiving.  I hear how you are trying to help everyone else, but what are you doing to take of yourself?   

[llbee814]

CookieMom, I second the "WOW!"   You haven't scared me off, though, since my situation sounds soo much like yours that it's eerie.  My dd is 19 now, but been there done that w/ high school, being assaulted (verbally and physically) a wasted year of college, and now a part-time job that probably causes more angst than it's worth. 

I, too, have a husband that is not very good at dealing with any of this and sometimes makes things worse than they have to be.  I am lucky to have some understanding and support from my mother and my older children, but that in reality  is a double-edged sword.

Don't want to write a book here, but do want to let you know that you are not alone and that I get you totally.  What has helped me the most is embracing radical acceptance.  I still have days where it's difficult to hang on to, but it is the one thing that I can always count on.  Maybe it would be something for you to look into and consider.  I hope it helps you, too.  Blessings, L.   

[lbjnltx]

Hello Cookie Mom



Glad that you decided to make your first post and share your life with us. 

From what you have told us you have really been through a great deal for a very long time and it has taken it's toll.

I would encourage you to follow Restored2's lead and look for ways to take care of self.  Do something kind for yourself daily and take time to be still and rest from the stress. We can't take the place of a therapist and we can be supportive of you and your efforts to help yourself.  We do highly recommend that you find a therapist when you are stronger and ready.

If you struggle with how to begin self care here is a Lesson that might help you find ways that best suite you and your needs:

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

I hope this helps even just a little bit.



lbj

[Kate4queen]

I think its time for you to think about your needs and your health. When we start to care more for our loved one with BPD than we do for ourselves, there's a problem.

Most of us parents here only wanted to be good parents who love our children unconditionally, but sometimes due to their issues they push us to breaking point. I actually thought I would have a heart attack and die from stress because of some of my son's behaviors. At that point I also realized that if I died, he'd still somehow manage to make my funeral all about him. That thought made me realize I needed help and I deserved to live my life without allowing him to define me.

Please take care of yourself-find a therapist just for you. Don't allow your daughter to define you and remember that you deserve happiness and peace in your life and that you aren't responsible for your daughter's choices. And if she's hitting you? I'd call the police.

[chooselove]

I hope what's missing from this story is that something has been done for the safety of your 13 year old daughter. She may be being imprinted that being a victim of violence in her home is just a fact of life and grow up choosing a husband who will beat her vs protect her.  I saved my own daughter from the consequences of her actions against me and things got worse, not better, till I started allowing her to feel the pain of her choices.  She still twisted tall tales about what had happened but she began behaving a lot better.  This followed several decades of anguish and long endless talks and books and several therapists before I just decided I did not want to live this way anymore.  Not an easy road and I empathize but I still wonder about how they are so well behaved in situations where they know they cannot get away with it.     

[lbjnltx]

I hope what's missing from this story is that something has been done for the safety of your 13 year old daughter.

This is a good point to consider... .how each person in the family can protect and be protected when violence or emotional abuse is a threat.

Developing a safety plan, just like we would in case of a fire in our home is essential.

The first thing that you might want to do is for each person to set boundaries about what they will tolerate and how they will protect their boundaries.  For example your 13 year old might set the boundary that she doesn't want to be touched in anger by anyone (not just her sister).  She may want to protect that boundary by saying "if someone attempts to touch me when they are angry I will leave and go to my friend's house down the street" or "I will lock myself in my room until they calm down and I feel safe".

Boundaries are very personal and it is up to each person in the family to decide what boundaries they want to set and how they will protect that boundary... .and themselves.  As teens they may need help through question/answer to figure out what boundaries they want, need and if they are enforceable.

Safety is of the utmost importance.

lbj

[nzmum]

 Cookie Mom

I can relate - BPD DD17 (turns 18 end of May) has turned our whole world upside down, inside out and back to front. I also have to consider my other DD14's needs as she now has been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. Not to mention DH and I taking care of ourselves 

I know that no one can change things except me.

It's only in the last few months (with lots of advice from the lovely people here  ) that I have come to realize that whilst I am her Mother I can NOT change things.  I can assist/help/encourage (every way I know how - and believe me I do!) DD to engage with people who can teach her the skills that will help HER into recovery but until DD really wants to make her journey smoother it will continue to be the roller coaster we all know and suffer.

But what do I do when I get to the end of me?

You absolutely, positively, without question must LOOK AFTER YOU     

I just sent this to unsuremomma - and it sounds simple but it works for me and my DH:

'Are you taking good care of yourself? I ask because that is where my strength always returns from (if that makes sense). We lurch from one crisis/engagement to another until I feel I have nothing left to give but I have learned (from the amazing people here - thank you ALL   ) to take better care of MY NEEDS. So, when I feel I'm heading towards empty now I pick myself up and do something JUST for me - sometimes just a walk with the dog works; or a glass or two with DH; even a good movie (on my own with loads of chocolate). I am then able to return ready for the next challenge always in the hope that it is a positive one!    '

Never give up hope.

love nzmum     

[CookieMom]

 

Thank you to all the kind members who have responded to me since I've posted my introduction. nzmum, lbjnltx, choose love, Kate4queen, llbee814, and Restored2, you have each given me very helpful feedback. Self nurturing is a huge challenge for me, but I know I must make more of an effort to do it. Well, I guess it can't be TOO much effort or I'll never have the energy!

And thank you for prodding me to think even more about my 13yr old D. She really has suffered quite a bit over the years, and is also in tx for depression, anxiety, and ADHD.  I did meet with a very helpful Sargent in our local sheriff's dept. 2 weeks ago. We discussed all the "hypothetical" possibilities if they were called because of violence. What I haven't done is ask for a home visit by a domestic violence officer to meet with myself and my daughter. I'm pretty sure that is the next step. My husband has never been open to involving the authorities, and neither have I for that matter, because an officer who is uneducated and or biased about mental illness can cause great harm. But, these outbursts have been going on for 2 years, and I know I have to do everything I can for my youngest D to know she is safe.

Just to clarify, when I said "no one can change things except me", I meant no one but me can change my attitude or what I do about this situation. I have witnessed myself trying my hardest to validate, and my D STILL exploding, because she doesn't get what she wants. It all feels so futile at times. I do need to do more study on radical acceptance because I admittedly still alternate between great anger and great despair, so thank you for making that suggestion. This situation has soo taught me that I am not in control of anyone else, just me. Very painful, but it's reality. I've got to explore this whole FOG think too,

because I haven't been resolutely looking at those dynamics when making decisions.


Again, thank you bpdfamily friends. You are a Godsend. 

[Restored2]

Hi CookieMom.  You are welcome.  Glad to be of any help.  I have been receiving my own help from this very supportive BPD family too.  They are a Godsend!  Try to take it easy and not be so hard on yourself through it all.  Also, don't forget to take time out to take care of you.  You are important and valuable.