New - looking for support and information

[Shell Shocked]

Hi there.  I recently found this community while researching BPD.  We are working with a psychiatrist to help my 16 year old daughter who seems to be getting progressively more out of control and angry.  I have been afraid "something" was amiss and not quite the typical teen rebellion and angst and was starting to think she may be bipolar.  Someone suggested that she sounded more similar to someone with BPD and suggested I read about it.  I have been reading and this diagnosis has really resonated with my husband and I.  She seems to exhibit many if not most of the behaviors listed.  In particular the inability to maintain relationships (which has been ongoing for pretty much her whole life), the fear of abandonment (in some completely irrational situations), and the low self worth and blaming others (mostly me) for her challenges.  She also seems to have some (all?) of the narcissistic traits as well.

We are not new to dealing with these problem behaviors as this has been the story of our lives for many years and seems to be worsening, but we are new to this concept and the idea that she may have a very serious mental issue.  I have been blaming our parenting, situations (we have had to move for my husband's job), her school situations, her losing her faith, etc... .  I just keep trying to find a place where she can be happy and she can't. 

I look forward to reading more and sharing this difficult journey with others who can understand what we are going through.  Thank you.

-C

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[trytrytry]

Dear Shell Shocked,

A note to welcome you to our board.  I have found so much comfort from reading posts about families that sound a lot like mine.  I felt so alone before-  Between following the suggestions on this board, and some time in Alanon, I have become a much more centered individual, and the actions of my DD28 no longer take center stage in my life.  Wishing you all the best on your journey.  It can get better.

[lbjnltx]

Hello Shell Shocked



Glad to have you here!

So sorry you suspect that your d16 is suffering from BPD and/or NPD.  Both are complex disorders so difficult to understand.

You say your daughter is working with a psychiatrist... .is there a plan for any psych testing? 

How is your relationship with your daughter?  Are your communication going well?

Lots of tools and skills can help each of you and your relationship.  This info can be found to the right of the page.  Let us know if you need any help with understanding or further resources.  We will do our best to help.

We are here to support you in taking care of yourself as well.   

lbj

[Restored2]

Welcome to this very supportive family, Shell Shocked.  We can all pretty much relate in some way or another of what being shell shocked feels like.  What you and your family are going through with your daughter is extremely challenging.  Your daughter would definitely do well to be in an intensive and progressive therapy treatment program.  

Hopefully you and your family are also doing something to take care of yourselves for stress management.

[Shell Shocked]

Thank you for the welcome.  

We do have an appointment for neurological testing.  We have been through several counselors and my daughter has refused to talk because she doesn't have any problems.  WE are her problem.  One counselor even told me that there was no point in talking to my daughter.  She was willing to talk to my husband and I and give us tools but since my daughter was unwilling there was no point.  Another one kept saying we just needed to fix her sleep issue (she doesn't sleep) because that was the easy part.  I keep trying to find someone that will really take our concerns seriously.  I took her to a local psychological center (they have the gamut of doctors, therapists, and social workers) for "pre-testing" and the woman who conducted the test recommended the intense testing that takes 6 hours over 2 days.  In the meantime I have been talking to psychiatrist and I am hoping that we found a good fit.  I found a child psychiatrist that seems to actually be taking my concerns seriously and inquired deeper on the sleeplessness and manic episodes that others have brushed aside.  He wants to meet with my husband and I first so we can give a detailed history without being afraid to talk.  Then he will meet with her.  I have been making notes for the appointment because I have so many concerns that sometimes I forget to bring them forward.  We also are close enough to Boston area that I have been considering calling the McLean doctors (they were the ones who diagnosed my step-father with bi-polar many years ago).  We do not have unlimited funds and the cost does concern me, but we also want to do what we can because none of us can go on living this way.

My relationship with my daughter is not good.  She constantly accuses me of hating her and not loving her.  She fails to recognize that our lives completely revolve around her.  We have made so many changes in hopes of making her life better that my head spins.  Most recently I removed her from her small private all girls school (that we could barely afford but tried for her sake) to "homeschool" her because she was so miserable she would rather die than go back.  She spent 6 days in bed and I couldn't get her to school.  Spent many hours on the phone with her guidance counselor.  I spent a week making calls and found a way for her to do a program where she can earn college credits and finish high school.  I spend 3 hours in the car driving her back and forth each day... .with my 5 younger children who I also homeschool.  We have bent over backwards to give her opportunities and set her up for success but it means nothing.  She hates us all.  We do nothing for her.  She cannot wait to move out of my house the day she turns 18 to "freedom."  Although I am not sure what she thinks freedom is because she needs me to do everything for her.  I have tried to let her fail and learn from her mistakes.  She doesn't care.  I have tried to stop doing things for her to make her step up and do them for herself.  She doesn't do them.  While I am concerned for her state of mind, her future, and her - I am also extremely concerned for my other children who range in age from 10 to 9 months old.  She is verbally abusive to them and constantly antagonizes them.  If I tell her to stop or intervene - I love them more.  I work extremely hard not to be reactive to her but she seems to know just how to push my buttons and get the reaction that makes her the victim again.  Most things are my fault but nothing is her fault.  I feel like a yo yo.  Some days I feel a glimmer and know that I want to save my daughter and am willing to do whatever it takes.  Other days I just want her out of my house and out of my life and I feel tremendous sadness and guilt about that.  When she is not home, there is a noticeable decrease in tension and stress.

I am sad, I am heartbroken, I feel guilty, I feel like I failed her.  It is a mix of feelings.  

[lbjnltx]

 

Could have written it myself Shell Shocked... .except my daughter was 12 when I found out she had emerging BPD and she is my only child.  She has 2 step siblings (stepdaughter did live with us her senior year of high school) and they are much older and mostly distance kept their relationships in tact (or non existent). 

I can't imagine going through this while trying to protect 5 young children from the fall out.  Bless your heart!

McLean is a good option... .if her pdoc (psychiatrist) recommends inpatient or intense out patient would insurance fund her treatment at McLean or another facility?

The complete testing does take a while.  My d had hers done inpatient at an acute care facility.  The results confirmed the diagnoses of BPD (emerging because she was only 12) that her psychologist had given her.

I want you to keep hope alive Shell Shocked.  My daughter is now 18 and is a high school graduate, living independently from me and getting ready to enroll in the community college. She has dealt with the loss of her father 15 months ago and she has a lot to look forward to in life and does! We have a healthy and loving relationship because we both have many skills and we use them.

You're a strong woman to have held it together for so long with so much on your plate!  I admire you!

lbj

[CookieMom]

 

Dear Shell Shocked,

My heart goes out to you. I am new also and want to welcome you too. There are soo many similarities between your description of your D's behavior and what we've observed in our just turned 18yr old daughter. I can totally empathize with the range of feelings you've been experiencing. Especially the guilt for finding it peaceful when she's gone and for wanting her out of the house at times. Bless your heart. Who would NOT want peace, quiet, and love. I think your feelings are completely normal but I understand that you find them distressing. No parenting book ever prepares us for this type of situation. My faith didn't either.

You obviously are extremely committed to getting help for your D. And, you are trying to raise all your younger babies. I hope you are finding some time for yourself, because you need it. Another website to investigate is NEABPD. Wonderful information and teaching videos there as well.

Information aside, the warmth here is palpable. It's an oasis from the hurt and anger that seem to permeate our home now. Have you explored the ins and outs of getting your D evaluated at McLean as an outpatient? It never hurts to just ask. If it's a teaching institution, perhaps they have a clinic where residents in training  see patients. You and your daughter deserve someone taking her problems seriously, and I'm glad you have found someone that will do so.

So glad you are here.

From one mom's heart to another ,

CookieMom

[Restored2]

Shell Shocked:  You're welcome.  You forgot to mention that you also care and love deeply, which is why all of this is hitting you so hard.  Please don't beat yourself up over any perceived short comings.  You, your daughter, and family are all only human beings that make mistakes from time to time.  Try to cut yourself some slack and do the best to take one moment at a time. 

You have very good reason to be concerned for the well being of your other 5 younger children.  Not only for their safety and protection, but also for what your daughter is teaching them all to do.  Sounds like you are on the right track in being determined to find the right person and treatment to help her. 

Don't give up!