Suddenly dumped by undiagnosed BPD husband

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just my outcry here among people who understand:

He wasn't diagnosed and neither does he admit to having any issues.

I don't know where to begin, as the story got so messy and complicated. To fully paint the picture, one needs to provide the details , but it'd get too long. I'll try to be as concise as I can.

We've met online 2 months before my breast cancer (BC) diagnose. He was 27, I was 31. We've spent online 5 hours/day video skyping, and 2-3 weeks after he sent me flowers proposing to be his GF. I agreed. Even though we haven't met personally yet, the chemistry and connection was intense. I was planning to go and see him in FL, and the day I was to buy a ticket I was diagnosed with BC. The diagnose devastated me as I have no family in the US. I told him ready he'd leave, but he said he'd be there for me. Needless to say, I was stunned and awed in admiration and infinite gratitude. A turbulence of medical events followed and he's been amazingly emotionally supportive, talking to me daily over the Skype. We first met 2 weeks after my radical surgery (double mastectomy), and he left back to his state declaring serious commitment in my regard. That one week of his stay was a fairytale time of my life - he was utterly caring, loving and kind. I was knocked off my feet, especially given my state - a young woman who's just lost her breasts is courted by an amazing, handsome young man who is treating her like a Goddess. A month later, I wanted to fly and see him and a few days prior to my departure he proposed over the Skype to marry him the first day I arrive. Important to mention - between May (when he first came to meet me face to face) and June (when I was flying to just spend some time with him) - he knew he was let go of his work, and so he was becoming unemployed, had over 40K in debts and had nowhere to go. I've been a long-time contract worker for a very reputable agency. Not earning much, but enough to sustain myself. But the fame of the employer I've worked for add value to my credentials and income earning potential.

With no hesitation I agreed to marry -- think about it, if this person not even knowing me agrees to stand by a woman who's just been diagnose with cancer, what other proofs that he's THE special one do you need? I thought if he is accepting me in this state, he'd be there no matter what. So we've loped on month 4 of our acquaintance. And only recently, after the triller shocking story that's happened, I've realized that when were marrying, we were actually seeing each other in person for the second time only... It never occurred to me then, as I felt as if I've known him for 20 years.

After his release, I've helped him moved to my state (from South to the East Coast). Things were beautiful for little, but then I've started noticing very strange mood swings. He's wake up in the morning not talking to me for no reason, and be depressive and resentful. A day to two later he'd become extremely happy, excited, anxious, chatty and playful. Between the episodes even his physical looks would change. I was so confused, especially because of his groundless feeling of elevated resentfulness and hurtfulness where he'd blame me for every little thing. We've started often having clashes as his constant blames and resenting me started getting to me. Plus, he's been saying very hurtful comments, which I still do not know whether he actually realized what he was saying.

Still technically in our honeymoon stage, I walked on him horrifically cursing me off to his friend over the Skype. Once I walked in, he's turned into a puppy smiling asking how was my day and was just so fake. I was devastated and stunned, as I saw a completely different face of the person I've married. Prior to the moment, that person represented himself as an extreme Godfearing person, conservative christian, church goer, praying multiple times a day, etc. He came from a very christian family, was homeschooled and was virgin when marrying me. And here I am walking on him complaining about me to his friend in horrific profanity and instructing his (single male) friend to  the girls around "rip their pussies" and "never pay for them, for those hungry students"... .I was so shocked. At that time, it's been over two months he was unemployed, staying at my tiny place and I've been the one working and covering all our expenses - from food, to rent, to dining out, buying him gifts, etc. And that was when I was still going through all my medical treatments, and all.

Fast forward. He relied heavily on my network of friends and connections in the city to get a job. Once he did, I've noticed his attitude change. He became nosy and not as "worshipping" me as before. 5 months after I knew my job contract was not being extended, and I it was a 6 months notice. The moment I told him (silly me, hoping for a loving hug), he flipped shouting he wasn't going to work for both of us, and that I "must" find a job. I quietly cried, I was hurt. I paid his way through, still weak and sick for 3 months... Ever since, his attitude has changed and he started picking on things, getting easily irritated and annoyed by everything I go. But, we still did have good time occasionally. But his mood swings towards getting anxious and depressive were getting more often.

Fast forward: 14 months after we've married, I had to travel overseas to visit my family. I was away for 6 weeks. He barely contacted me there, and it was most meet who would reach out missing him and trying to talk. He did not seem to miss me or wanting to talk much. I was impatiently waiting to go back to him and upon my return, he met me with a straight face at the airport and did not talk for 2 days. By that time, I've already knew when he is in his down mood, its better to avoid him, as he'd spur a fight no matter what. Then I finally asked what was going on, and he's exploded fiercely, yelling and shouting at me how much he liked living without me, how happy and liberated he was, and how beautiful it was to come home where there was no me... The first time I've ask was whether he's met someone. And even to this question, he's attacked me badly yelling I'm such a witch for thinking about him that bad. Previously utterly hypersexual (when he needed to have sex with me daily, several times a day), he was avoiding me physically making excuses being tired. I then realized he was a sex addict, addicted to porn and was masturbating hiding from me, and then was even doing it at work, in the bathrooms...

To my return from the trip, he has completely checked out of out relationship. He started going out with friends, socializing too much (which is fine, as long as I -- as a wife, was invited). But he would not.

Ever since we've married, I was the one insisting he should pursue his graduate degree, as to live in this highly competitive city one has to have one. So I was helping out with info, resources, hints of how to get it for free, etc. I was softly pushing him to prepare for GRE and just work on it. Needless to say, for this push to work on education, he too - was yelling at me mad I was telling him how to live his life. He did apply, and got into the best program with the top university to study for free. And here, as well, I was the one showing his shortcuts and pathways in this city where I lived for 10 years. Only down the road I've found out, moving to this big city was his utmost dream, but he could never afford coming he bc of the cost of living. So the day he got the admission letter (which is a guarantee of a good life upon graduation), I invited him to a dinner at a french restaurant to celebrate. There, he lied to me that the next day he was invited to a home party, whereas I found out on his phone he was arranging for a celebration with the friends he acquired in this new to him city, and was leaving me behind. When I confronted him, he went wild saying "yes, i am having a party, this is the most important event in my life, where I want to see only dear to me people. and you are not invited"... .I was stunned... That day, he came home at 3 am in the morning, drunk like pig. I've managed to check his phone and saw he was at a night club... My christian, God fearing husband... I had to call his mom and tell her about his volatile behavior checking if this is something she knows after he son. That enraged him, and he lashed...

From thereon, he's became very emotionally and verbally abusive, especially over the economic matter, giving me a hard time that I was not able to find a job still. He'd pick over the matters of drinking water, me putting things not the way he liked, and just over everything. He'd occasionally get nice and do good things too, like after severe verbally abusing me, insisting on rubbing my feet, or cooking for me. One day in the morning, he called me "fencing b___", yelled at me "to go back to my country" (I was not born in the US) and was so nasty, and in the afternoon he sends me texts as to find what would I like for dinner, and how do i like my salad. Or the other day, he declined to take me to a party with him saying he's not going to pretend there among his friends that things "are peachy between us", and comes home with my favorite flowers... Or after that time with the secret party, when I was so hurt, I am coming home and I find a pot with beautiful orchids, beautiful dinner (he made spending hours in the kitchen) and deserts... .And inconstancies like these were throughout the marriage, confusing and totally draining me.

On month 3 after my return home from my trip (month 17 of our marriage), triggered by that conversation with his mother, he went in rage cashing out our joint account, taking 2/3 of the very scarce savings I've put together while completing my contract, dropped his name off the account and texted me to get myself my own health insurance, as he is not intended to provide one for me anymore... In the text, he also said he was divorcing me. A couple of days after (when we were already too distant and preparing separation papers), I've told him I've got a new small contract with my employer. A couple of hours later, we drove to the store and on the way back, getting into the car, he scared me with hysterical cry... He was weeping like a kid, all covered in tears and snot, shaking and bawling that he didn't expect things going this way, he was dreaming traveling the world with me, that he always loved me and etc. I was comforting him, and cried too, as I thought it was sincere and he is regretting his impulsive decision. We left the parking made up, he was not letting go off my hand, clinging to it, and the next few several days he was again all into me, taking me places, having too much sex, etc.

Then followed the week of mistreatment, emotional abuse, and same story. On Thanksgiving he announced he wanted to celebrate it with his family, and he is not taking me, so I was basically left home alone (yet again, I have no family here). Then 2 hours before departure, he changes his mind and starts maniacally insist I am going with him, and did not leave me alone until I agreed. Christmas and NY, the holidays he knew were very important to me and me building the plans for the day months ago, he made sure he'd ruined them for me, saying he did not want to celebrate the holidays with me, and basically sent me away to my friend's. By the time I returned from my friend's (and stupid me, even though my husband was treating me like , I was still sitting there in TN , ordering surprise holiday cupcake delivery for him), he went to the courthouse getting the divorce papers.

In January 2015, he announced he is moving out and so should I. All this time, he was secretly looking for a place for himself, and once he found a nice deal, he declared I should be out of the place too, as he's not going to pay for the rent. I was still between jobs, with no income, with only $1500 that he left me. To my objection to move out, he enraged and was acting wild, yelling and saying very hurtful things. He then started threatening he'd be evicting me with a court, to which I responded "well good, finally I'll have a chance to tell people how you've been treating me". He started insulting me I was none in this country, had no rights as I am not a US citizen, and none would believe me. I went through a nightmare of searching for a place (being denied applications as I don't have a stable income), arranging for a big move, searching for pro-bono legal consults and many other stressful matters... It was hell.

Today is day 23 since we've separated. Only now, the reality is sinking in, and I am still in shock processing what's happened. In a matter of 2 years, my husband went from the person I view as a saint into extremely abusive husband who's kicked out his unemployed wife with a medical history to the street in winter planning to revoke my health insurance... In a matter of 2 years, with him, I lived from a fairytale like love story and to an horror movie like ending.

I know its long. And I have dropped so many cases of his crazy behavior... .I have so many examples of volatile behavior of his...  

[still_in_shock]

Just my outcry here among people who understand:

He wasn't diagnosed and neither does he admit to having any issues.

I don't know where to begin, as the story got so messy and complicated. To fully paint the picture, one needs to provide the details , but it'd get too long. I'll try to be as concise as I can.

We've met online 2 months before my breast cancer (BC) diagnose. He was 27, I was 31. We've spent online 5 hours/day video skyping, and 2-3 weeks after he sent me flowers proposing to be his GF. I agreed. Even though we haven't met personally yet, the chemistry and connection was intense. I was planning to go and see him in FL, and the day I was to buy a ticket I was diagnosed with BC. The diagnose devastated me as I have no family in the US. I told him ready he'd leave, but he said he'd be there for me. Needless to say, I was stunned and awed in admiration and infinite gratitude. A turbulence of medical events followed and he's been amazingly emotionally supportive, talking to me daily over the Skype. We first met 2 weeks after my radical surgery (double mastectomy), and he left back to his state declaring serious commitment in my regard. That one week of his stay was a fairytale time of my life - he was utterly caring, loving and kind. I was knocked off my feet, especially given my state - a young woman who's just lost her breasts is courted by an amazing, handsome young man who is treating her like a Goddess. A month later, I wanted to fly and see him and a few days prior to my departure he proposed over the Skype to marry him the first day I arrive. Important to mention - between May (when he first came to meet me face to face) and June (when I was flying to just spend some time with him) - he knew he was let go of his work, and so he was becoming unemployed, had over 40K in debts and had nowhere to go. I've been a long-time contract worker for a very reputable agency. Not earning much, but enough to sustain myself. But the fame of the employer I've worked for add value to my credentials and income earning potential.

With no hesitation I agreed to marry -- think about it, if this person not even knowing me agrees to stand by a woman who's just been diagnose with cancer, what other proofs that he's THE special one do you need? I thought if he is accepting me in this state, he'd be there no matter what. So we've loped on month 4 of our acquaintance. And only recently, after the triller shocking story that's happened, I've realized that when were marrying, we were actually seeing each other in person for the second time only... It never occurred to me then, as I felt as if I've known him for 20 years.

After his release, I've helped him moved to my state (from South to the East Coast). Things were beautiful for little, but then I've started noticing very strange mood swings. He's wake up in the morning not talking to me for no reason, and be depressive and resentful. A day to two later he'd become extremely happy, excited, anxious, chatty and playful. Between the episodes even his physical looks would change. I was so confused, especially because of his groundless feeling of elevated resentfulness and hurtfulness where he'd blame me for every little thing. We've started often having clashes as his constant blames and resenting me started getting to me. Plus, he's been saying very hurtful comments, which I still do not know whether he actually realized what he was saying.

Still technically in our honeymoon stage, I walked on him horrifically cursing me off to his friend over the Skype. Once I walked in, he's turned into a puppy smiling asking how was my day and was just so fake. I was devastated and stunned, as I saw a completely different face of the person I've married. Prior to the moment, that person represented himself as an extreme Godfearing person, conservative christian, church goer, praying multiple times a day, etc. He came from a very christian family, was homeschooled and was virgin when marrying me. And here I am walking on him complaining about me to his friend in horrific profanity and instructing his (single male) friend to  the girls around "rip their pussies" and "never pay for them, for those hungry students"... .I was so shocked. At that time, it's been over two months he was unemployed, staying at my tiny place and I've been the one working and covering all our expenses - from food, to rent, to dining out, buying him gifts, etc. And that was when I was still going through all my medical treatments, and all.

Fast forward. He relied heavily on my network of friends and connections in the city to get a job. Once he did, I've noticed his attitude change. He became nosy and not as "worshipping" me as before. 5 months after I knew my job contract was not being extended, and I it was a 6 months notice. The moment I told him (silly me, hoping for a loving hug), he flipped shouting he wasn't going to work for both of us, and that I "must" find a job. I quietly cried, I was hurt. I paid his way through, still weak and sick for 3 months... Ever since, his attitude has changed and he started picking on things, getting easily irritated and annoyed by everything I go. But, we still did have good time occasionally. But his mood swings towards getting anxious and depressive were getting more often.

Fast forward: 14 months after we've married, I had to travel overseas to visit my family. I was away for 6 weeks. He barely contacted me there, and it was most meet who would reach out missing him and trying to talk. He did not seem to miss me or wanting to talk much. I was impatiently waiting to go back to him and upon my return, he met me with a straight face at the airport and did not talk for 2 days. By that time, I've already knew when he is in his down mood, its better to avoid him, as he'd spur a fight no matter what. Then I finally asked what was going on, and he's exploded fiercely, yelling and shouting at me how much he liked living without me, how happy and liberated he was, and how beautiful it was to come home where there was no me... The first time I've ask was whether he's met someone. And even to this question, he's attacked me badly yelling I'm such a witch for thinking about him that bad. Previously utterly hypersexual (when he needed to have sex with me daily, several times a day), he was avoiding me physically making excuses being tired. I then realized he was a sex addict, addicted to porn and was masturbating hiding from me, and then was even doing it at work, in the bathrooms...

To my return from the trip, he has completely checked out of out relationship. He started going out with friends, socializing too much (which is fine, as long as I -- as a wife, was invited). But he would not.

Ever since we've married, I was the one insisting he should pursue his graduate degree, as to live in this highly competitive city one has to have one. So I was helping out with info, resources, hints of how to get it for free, etc. I was softly pushing him to prepare for GRE and just work on it. Needless to say, for this push to work on education, he too - was yelling at me mad I was telling him how to live his life. He did apply, and got into the best program with the top university to study for free. And here, as well, I was the one showing his shortcuts and pathways in this city where I lived for 10 years. Only down the road I've found out, moving to this big city was his utmost dream, but he could never afford coming he bc of the cost of living. So the day he got the admission letter (which is a guarantee of a good life upon graduation), I invited him to a dinner at a french restaurant to celebrate. There, he lied to me that the next day he was invited to a home party, whereas I found out on his phone he was arranging for a celebration with the friends he acquired in this new to him city, and was leaving me behind. When I confronted him, he went wild saying "yes, i am having a party, this is the most important event in my life, where I want to see only dear to me people. and you are not invited"... .I was stunned... That day, he came home at 3 am in the morning, drunk like pig. I've managed to check his phone and saw he was at a night club... My christian, God fearing husband... I had to call his mom and tell her about his volatile behavior checking if this is something she knows after he son. That enraged him, and he lashed...

From thereon, he's became very emotionally and verbally abusive, especially over the economic matter, giving me a hard time that I was not able to find a job still. He'd pick over the matters of drinking water, me putting things not the way he liked, and just over everything. He'd occasionally get nice and do good things too, like after severe verbally abusing me, insisting on rubbing my feet, or cooking for me. One day in the morning, he called me "fencing b___", yelled at me "to go back to my country" (I was not born in the US) and was so nasty, and in the afternoon he sends me texts as to find what would I like for dinner, and how do i like my salad. Or the other day, he declined to take me to a party with him saying he's not going to pretend there among his friends that things "are peachy between us", and comes home with my favorite flowers... Or after that time with the secret party, when I was so hurt, I am coming home and I find a pot with beautiful orchids, beautiful dinner (he made spending hours in the kitchen) and deserts... .And inconstancies like these were throughout the marriage, confusing and totally draining me.

On month 3 after my return home from my trip (month 17 of our marriage), triggered by that conversation with his mother, he went in rage cashing out our joint account, taking 2/3 of the very scarce savings I've put together while completing my contract, dropped his name off the account and texted me to get myself my own health insurance, as he is not intended to provide one for me anymore... In the text, he also said he was divorcing me. A couple of days after (when we were already too distant and preparing separation papers), I've told him I've got a new small contract with my employer. A couple of hours later, we drove to the store and on the way back, getting into the car, he scared me with hysterical cry... He was weeping like a kid, all covered in tears and snot, shaking and bawling that he didn't expect things going this way, he was dreaming traveling the world with me, that he always loved me and etc. I was comforting him, and cried too, as I thought it was sincere and he is regretting his impulsive decision. We left the parking made up, he was not letting go off my hand, clinging to it, and the next few several days he was again all into me, taking me places, having too much sex, etc.

Then followed the week of mistreatment, emotional abuse, and same story. On Thanksgiving he announced he wanted to celebrate it with his family, and he is not taking me, so I was basically left home alone (yet again, I have no family here). Then 2 hours before departure, he changes his mind and starts maniacally insist I am going with him, and did not leave me alone until I agreed. Christmas and NY, the holidays he knew were very important to me and me building the plans for the day months ago, he made sure he'd ruined them for me, saying he did not want to celebrate the holidays with me, and basically sent me away to my friend's. By the time I returned from my friend's (and stupid me, even though my husband was treating me like , I was still sitting there in TN , ordering surprise holiday cupcake delivery for him), he went to the courthouse getting the divorce papers.

In January 2015, he announced he is moving out and so should I. All this time, he was secretly looking for a place for himself, and once he found a nice deal, he declared I should be out of the place too, as he's not going to pay for the rent. I was still between jobs, with no income, with only $1500 that he left me. To my objection to move out, he enraged and was acting wild, yelling and saying very hurtful things. He then started threatening he'd be evicting me with a court, to which I responded "well good, finally I'll have a chance to tell people how you've been treating me". He started insulting me I was none in this country, had no rights as I am not a US citizen, and none would believe me. I went through a nightmare of searching for a place (being denied applications as I don't have a stable income), arranging for a big move, searching for pro-bono legal consults and many other stressful matters... It was hell.

Today is day 23 since we've separated. Only now, the reality is sinking in, and I am still in shock processing what's happened. In a matter of 2 years, my husband went from the person I view as a saint into extremely abusive husband who's kicked out his unemployed wife with a medical history to the street in winter planning to revoke my health insurance... In a matter of 2 years, with him, I lived from a fairytale like love story and to an horror movie like ending.

I know its long. And I have dropped so many cases of his crazy behavior... .I have so many examples of volatile behavior of his...  

[still_in_shock]

His projecting skills are unbelievable...

Once I brought about a serious discussion of his volatile behavior, pointing it might be symptoms of either a bipolar of PBD, he started spreading rumors around me with his family, friends and even employer that I am mentally ill, and need a therapy. Once I told him he's being emotionally abusive, he involved lawyers and therapist at his work, convincing them I was abusing him and started building a legal case against me (writing me emails fabricating stories of our life, copying the building managers, etc).

It took me a year to figure out what was wrong with him. For about 10 months of our life together I thought the issue was us marrying too soon and getting to really know each other only in the marriage. But then I've noticed the recurrent pattern of his mood swings, severity of extreme behaviors (depressive vs. maniac episodes), constant resentment against me, accusations, pathological addictions (sexual - porn, masturbation) and all sorts of inconsistencies. And finally, only several months after marriage, I knew his dad was a diagnosed bipolar... which, according to one of the therapists I've talked to, elevates his risk of having it up to 75-80%. I first thought it was a BD, but of the doctors with who I've been sharing what was happening in my life, said it sounded more like BPD. Since I've never heard about the disorder before, she recommended to read about it. Once I started the research, I was stunned as to find that he was fitting every single symptom described...

Ever since my return and him having checked out of our relationship, he's been trashing me to his family and friends so badly... I am just speechless. He twists and changes things I've said, takes them out of contexts, fabricates lies and situations around them and paints me as a monster wife. The interesting point though, even though he tells them (especially his mother) most of the things I've said to him during our fights, he NEVER mentioned the fact that I've brought up the discussion of his mental health, and raised concerns of about him being a bipolar or BPD. According to him it was a severe accusation, but he never mentions about this one (and tells everything else I've said) to his circle of friends and family. Now his whole family (who used to like me before) believes I'm the mentally ill one. So skillful he is lying and manipulating people's minds.

[Jeansok]

I'm so sorry  

I can relate as my husband is also hasn't been diagnosed. I found this site about a year and a half ago when I was desperate for answers. I had no idea why my husband behaved the way he did. We were together here and there for three years... .separated for about 8 months then realized we just couldn't live without each other. Got married a month later and pregnant right after that... .first year was really bad. I thought at first he was bipolar... .never had any relationships like this and didn't understand. After more research on these terrible erratic mood swings I read about BPD and found this site. I  completely 100% my husband has this and is less than willing to admit it.

Read my original post from 2013 if you are up to it and lete know if any of what you've gone through sounds familiar.

I love my husband and he can be purely Mr prince charming and then my worst nightmare... .Its an emotional roller coaster to say the least and most recently has threatened to leave (again).

I've just learned to call him on his bluff ... .

It's extremely hard to live this way and I'm so sorry you are having to . The support you can get from this site is so helpful!

I have too have been through so many different forms of abuse from emotional to some physical and it's just hard position to be in... .period.

[Jeansok]

Oh my gosh I just read your last post. I am in a eerily similar boat! The manipulation and twisting is something I've been the subject of myself. He actually almost had me convinced I was the problem.

My H is a highly functional master manipulator.

Mine has gone so far lately as to join a an al-non group convincing himself I have an alcohol problem... .it's completely ridiculous. Every person that is close to me knows he's crazy. (And yeah I admit I drink sometimes to cope with all this and get away)... .but he hangs on anything to turn things on me and blows it way out of proportion.

I have no doubt it is trying to build a case and has already threatened it against me (on vday... .that he's already talked to a lawyer). Its like he can't get to me anymore so he's gonna do something drastic before I can... .(Even tho I had no in tensions of leaving)

My faith is the one and only thing that keeps me going and that glimmer of hope (waiting for him to return to "normal),and trying not to get sucked all back in again and living the fairy tale for a month then BAM crash and burn

[Restored2]

Welcome to this very supportive family, still_in_shock!  You landed upon a good group of people who not only can relate to what you are going through, but who care too.  My heart sincerely goes out to you for what you have been going through. 

No one should have to put up with the abuse and disrespect that you have.  As hard as it may be to accept right now, your separation sounds like a blessing in disguise.  Having some time apart from your abusive husband during this volatile time is necessary for healing and recovery.  As for your husband claiming to be a Christian, The Bible states in Matthew 7:16 that; "You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act".  From what you have presented on your husband, his fruit appears to be pretty rotten and far from Christlike. 

How did your husbands mother respond to you inquiring about whether she was aware of his "volatile behavior"?

[still_in_shock]

I wish I have figured what the problem actually was, and found this website earlier. I could have saved my married, perhaps. I loved him so much. I was so invested in this marriage, and relationship. I have a lot of good memories of him, especially when he was so loving and caring when I was going through BC. Exactly just like you said, there were a lot of moments when he was so adorable. And there are really good things about him, which made me love and keep forgiving him for over a year. I was trying to be as submissive as I could and a voice conflicts, but his mistreatment (esp. after my job loss) was getting worse and worse, and too frequent. And then comments like "hmm, you look good today, I hope some men [company i worked for] would want to f*** you and perhaps give you a job", or "i'll ship your ass to your country", and many other hurtful and insulting comments.

But then, there were days when I was praying God thanking him for sending me such an amazing husband - he was loving and kind. Indeed, occasionally, he would become that Prince Charming which knocks you off your feet with how romantic he gets, and pleases and surprises you. On other days, he goes to the other extreme being mean, distant, and insulting.

Can you share the link of the post of yours you've mentioned? The only thing that helps me out these days, is to read about PBDs which reassures me it was not my fault. Because I keep blaming myself. Because he made me believe it was me - who was so horrible.

I'm so sorry  

I can relate as my husband is also hasn't been diagnosed. I found this site about a year and a half ago when I was desperate for answers. I had no idea why my husband behaved the way he did. We were together here and there for three years... .separated for about 8 months then realized we just couldn't live without each other. Got married a month later and pregnant right after that... .first year was really bad. I thought at first he was bipolar... .never had any relationships like this and didn't understand. After more research on these terrible erratic mood swings I read about BPD and found this site. I  completely 100% my husband has this and is less than willing to admit it.

Read my original post from 2013 if you are up to it and lete know if any of what you've gone through sounds familiar.

I love my husband and he can be purely Mr prince charming and then my worst nightmare... .Its an emotional roller coaster to say the least and most recently has threatened to leave (again).

I've just learned to call him on his bluff ... .

It's extremely hard to live this way and I'm so sorry you are having to . The support you can get from this site is so helpful!

I have too have been through so many different forms of abuse from emotional to some physical and it's just hard position to be in... .period.

[Jeansok]

Yes I'll find it and be happy to share... .I completely 100% relate to every word you are saying. My H does the very exact same thing.

Do you guys have any kids together?

I think one thing also my husband appears to be a godly man but then I think how is that possible when he still treats me the way he doe . Is it a show he tries to put on or is it sincere... .I too have been extremely passive up until a few months ago. No matter what we don't deserve to be treated that way and I pray to God most everyday for a sign on what I  supposed to do.

[Jeansok]

My original post:

At my Wits End, but not ready to call it Quits   

May 24, 2013, 10:48:51 AM

Hey everyone this is a long read. I don't even know where to start. I met my husband in November of 2008. He was charming, good looking and funny! Still is... . unless he's in one of his "moods". I've got to say I feel a little guilty writing about this because I feel bad, but I know after reading aout BPD I need to have outside sources of support. We were married in October of 2010. After being on a break for 8 months. When we were together before, I always thought it was strange he would go days without talking to me then act as if nothing was wrong. I have to say I am extremely laid back and just chalked it up to "that's just how he is". I pretty much catered to his every need. Well, it wasn't until after we got married, I saw a different side of him, and WOAH, found myself in a position I didn't and still don't know how to handle.

We found out a month after we got married that I was pregnant. The mental abuse didn't start until about then. I should also mention I have a now 7 year old from a previous marriage who is with us 50% of the time. I am my husband's third marriage and I'm beginning to understand why. The only thing that has got me through so far is a few friends, my sister, who has been through a similar situation, and my faith.

To try and make a long story short, I would find myself in situations after we were married (which I'm sure I would have discovered hadn't we been married, just so happens we got married w/in a month of being back together - too soon I know). Situations, like him throwing my phone, the remote, breaking things, throwing his wedding ring away, yelling at me, calling me every name in the book, what a slut I was to have been with someone else while we were apart (even though he told me later, he actually cheated on me previously with two women, and I was legitely with someone else, while we were apart). Ok I keep finding myself getting off track, because there is just so much. He's packed up his things about a handful of times, threatened to leave, yelling crazy things that don't make sense, broken a ton of glasses, taken down all our pictures, thrown some away... . etc etc etc.

At first I had no idea why this was happening and just thought it was the anger and him feeling guilty why we were apart. So I tried to be as calm as I could "the understanding" part. So I pretty much took it all. After a period of time it started getting really old really fast. My immediate reaction was GET OVER IT. I couldn't understand why he kept bringing things up about the past and making it my issue and my fault for the way he was acting. I should mention the first year of our marriage I was basically on bed rest for our unborn child at that time. There would be periods he would go days without talking to me or any of his friends, ignore my daugther (I'd tell her he wasn't feeling well)... . she's seen him yell at me call me names and have seen me cry and be upset. I HATE that. On the other hand, he can be the most caring, loving, charming, courteous, gentlemen you will EVER MEET. And, my daughter adores him, but I know this isn't ok.

I grew up in a home, where I was pretty sheltered, both of my parents are still together and wonderful loving parents, I did not grow up this way. I never met his parents ever until a few months after we were married (kind of weird, huh?) And they are still together as well and from what I can see are nothing but loving and have done a lot for us. I am not claiming to be perfect and have my own set of issues but I know there is normal, and something else. I started researching and thinking my husband was bipolar. We like to go out and socially drink, I admit sometimes I tend to drink a little too much so he chalks up all his issues to that being the underlying issue. I should mention the only two times I've gone out with my friends alone in the past 9 months I've socially drank. Now I feel like I'm trying to justify things, but I also know and from reading about BPD and Bipolar and alike, I've got to make time for my own life because I do find myself drowning in his issues quite frequently. I think my only point for mentioning that is he uses everything I do as an excuse to why he is the way he is. I am not perfect and make mistakes.

It's just such a roller coaster ride. In January of this year I decided I'd had enough and stayed with a friend for two days, and told him he needed to seek help because I don't know what to do. Now, or course, he thinks I abandoned him and says things like "when you left because you didn't like the way I talked to you". NO, I actually left because with the pattern how usually went down, I'd go to bed because he'd be irrational, and then he'd come in at least a couple of times in the middle of the night, turn on the light, pull off the covers and demand answers to questions about all kinds of things that didn't make sense to me. Without getting too detailed, he would also, while being intimate, say things like ":)id he do it this way etc... . ". It made me extremely uncomfortable and he couldn't understand why I wouldn't talk about those things.

Back on track... . he talked to a child hood friend that actually lives close to us he hasn't been in touch with for awhile, something told him to reach out to him and he was a God send pretty much. He told my husband that it's ok to get help that he himself had and he wouldn't be surprised if there was some mental stuff going on. (not to mention just the crap we had gone through together, not accounting for the other past 15 years of his adult life). My husband looks up to this child hood friend very much. He is a decorated police officer who trains the force in our local city. So, he decided to call the therapist that was recommended to him.

Story is on that he saw him every other week for about 2-3 months. Told me his therapist told him he's not crazy, it's his personally type. INFJ. That his therapist was the same way and could relate to him. Gave him some materials to work on and things were in fact better during that time. Since, my husband eluded to the fact, his therapist told him no need for him to come back and he just needed to surround himself with positive people... . ok.

It's just all so frustrating and I love him very much (yada yada yada I know) classic response. Our son is now almost a year old and I want my husband to continue to get help and make our family/marriage work. I know I can't "fix" him and just don't know what to do. I can't bear the thought of going through another divorce with another child that sees his parents 50% of the time, but I also know this can be an unhealthy situation, a lot of the times.

I know I've got so many other stories and information to share, I guess I will start with that. It's just nice to know I'm not alone and I should also mention my husband hasn't been diagnosed, from what I've read he seems to me to be more BPD than anything else (bipolar, narcissistic) ... . 

Thoughts, questions?... . Thanks for your time

[still_in_shock]

She did not believe anything I was saying about him drinking, going out, mistreating me, being into porn, and sexual addictions. I do understand it was my mistake to tell her all these, but I was in such a despair and I thought she's help me to make him see a professional. As I was seeing what's been happening to him was not healthy, and by that time I had already read on symptoms and the disorder. He stopped respecting or listening to me, I was none to him (he said that), so I called for the only person I knew might have helped. Plus, I loved him so dearly. I knew I was putting my relationship/marriage at stake by telling her (I knew he'd enraged), but I hoped she'd talk to him and convince to seek counseling.

After he announced he was leaving me dumping in winter knowing I had no income, or savings (he took most of what we had), place or family to go, she never even called me to ask how I've been doing, or where I will live now... To be honest, I was quite disappointed, as I liked her a lot. After the initial reservation from her side when she first knew about me (he married me without telling his family, shocking them all, too), we were becoming friends. I was very attentive to her, she visited and were were getting along well. But she never checked on me, until after the fact when I had to move out of the place, basically running away from him becoming violent. She was well aware of his deeds, and even advising him on how much money to take off the account... And she is too, super conservative Christian who believes her son is an angel, and has no idea on his "other side".

I am a non-Christian myself who (after meeting him and experiencing the amazing emotional support when I was going through cancer) was fascinated believing those must have been the strong Christian values that made him such a great person. Impressed beyond belief and regarding his faith for all his beautiful qualities, I considered converting to the Christian faith, started attending church with him and learning Bible. It lasted for several months. But, by the time I came back from that 6-week trip, my husband demonstrated little interest in teaching me the Bible, praying together, or doing anything we've been doing previously. It was me (Muslim by birth, but not practicing any more) who was asking to pray together, going to the church, etc. When he enraged and obviously deviated from his faith (porn, sex addictions, etc), I was begging for us to seek marriage counseling at church, but he prohibited to even mention about it to the pastor I knew. He then stopped going to that church, and started attending the one I did not like as his old female friend was going there, and she had a crash for him for years. He was doing everything I was against of (socializing with his female friend, going to the same church as his crash, and many others) to intentionally hurt me.

How did your husbands mother respond to you inquiring about whether she was aware of his "volatile behavior"?

[Jeansok]

Here's some more from my original posts (almost two yes ago),sorry if it is Informational overload... .

Re: How to deal with 'from having a future' to having nothing   

May 28, 2013, 04:18:08 PM

WOW, I hear "F**k off, never contact me again, you've killed 'us'" about every other week from my H. He threw away his wedding ring last year, threatens to leave... . etc etc... . calls me every name in the book and finds ways to always twist the story on me and where I actually believe it sometimes. We had a blissful fairy tale day yesterday and I'm just waiting for the next episode sad. I too am new and have already found this site very helpful, and I'm in shock at how identical some of these stories are to my life. He has not been officially diagnosed. I didn't even know what was wrong until a few months ago. He never acted this way before we got married and will have been 2 years this October. We have a one year old son. I'm at a loss for words... . Sorry you are going through this too, it's the hardest thing I've dealt with in my life and have no idea where this road will take me

Re: Unable to accept radically.   

May 28, 2013, 03:53:21 PM

I can COMPLETELY relate Wishful Thinking. My husband has recently agreed to get help, and I have my doubts, because he seems to think we will only need to see this therapist for a few times- unfortunately but am hopefuly and prayful. He hasn't been officially diagnosed, though it's completely eye opening for me these stories I see on here are my life in action. I don't know what to do. We will see how this pans out... . I'm hoping for a success story but like so many others on here after what I've read, I don't know if I have the strength though I love him so... . 


I go through exactly this, last week I couldn't stand how he was acting then he snapped out of and we had a great day yesterday. I just don't know what to expect from day to day and musicfan42 you said it well with the expectations of what I feel like life should be for us. I want to be able to do "normal" things with friends and family and not worry about what kind of mood my H is going to be in. I can't plan anything and constantly letting friends down that invite us to do things because of my H and how he feels... . 

[Restored2]

still_in_shock:  Thank you for clarifying in detail.  It does not help that your husbands mother is in denial of her sons volatile behavior.  Her lack of sensitivity, support and empathy towards you during this difficult time is abusive as well. 

You speak of your husband being enraged at times.  Has your husband been physically abusive to you at all?

[still_in_shock]

Jeansok, incredibly similar stories... We do not have a kid. I wanted kids so much. To me, it was very important to have kids, plus my medical caae required having them asap. He knew how much I wanted them, and it was his strongest point of manipulation. He did not want to have them. Now, I realize he's made up his mind long ago to leave me, he was just waiting to get stability in this city. While I was so invested into helping him out in this new city, establishing his career and education, I put my own career and health at stake.

Recently, I saw him chatting with young girl on FB who was flirting with him willing to connect, and to her question about his relationship status, he responded he was married and is divorcing me, as apparently I am mentally ill and he only knew it after he married me. What followed next bled my heart, he said "I am so happy she didn't get pregnant with an anchor baby". That comment crushed any remainder feelings I've had for him. Through our life together, he as always mocking and teasing about my immigration status (which was always perfect, I was established career woman here on a solid status) and mocking about illegal immigrants telling they come to the US to have "anchor babies", that is to give a birth to a child here and thus get legal.

So he was addressing to me, his own wife, in the same language with a stranger girl who was hitting on his on FB...

When I saw it, I said to myself - that's it. He doesn't worth your love, or any positive feeling.

Here's some more from my original posts (almost two yes ago),sorry if it is Informational overload... .

ges: 1 ... .

[still_in_shock]

I cannot call it physical abuse, but first month we've moved in together, we were walking in the area, I said something and he got so hurt, that I apologized immediately and reached out to give him a hug. We were on the street. So I wanted to hug him saying "Im sorry", but he pushed me away so abruptly, that I've tilted back. I couldn't believe it. I walked back home silently crying, as it was technically our honeymoon stage. I've told him, if he had an american wife, she'd consider this a physical abuse. I told him "you did it one, never did it again". Later, I knew he had told about this to his friend, who advised him to divorce me for saying that. And it was then (month 1 being married), when he wanted to leave me. He didn't, as he was unemployed and I was taking care of him.

Once I went to the bathroom and I thought he was taking a shower as he made it look like he was (turning the shower on, etc). So I wanted to use the bathroom, was walking in and, apparently, he was standing behind the door masturbating (and those days he was refusing any intimacy to me... ). So me walking in interrupted him and he shouted at me in madness, and slammed the door into my face hitting my elbow. Ne never apologized, of course. Not for anything he's been doing this 1.5 yr.

still_in_shock:  Thank you for clarifying in detail.  It does not help that your husbands mother is in denial of her sons volatile behavior.  Her lack of sensitivity, support and empathy towards you during this difficult time is abusive as well.  

You speak of your husband being enraged at times.  Has your husband been physically abusive to you at all?

[Restored2]

still_in_shock: Your husband appears to be extremely unstable in his thinking on so many different levels and unsafe for you to be around.  You need to protect yourself in this.  Please DO NOT underestimate what he can do or is capable of in this situation.  I highly encourage you to stay separated from him for a good length of time until you can get your bearings straight as to what direction you should take. 

[still_in_shock]

My life is divided to before the trip and after. Before the 6 week trip, it was a roller coaster life with him - but we would always make up and move on, having good time too. So it was a "Prince Charming with occasional outbursts" period of life. But I learned to suck it in and wait when the "good J" will be back. And he always did, and I was ready to live like this. I never wanted to divorce. I loved him. My love was strong as it was built on the foundation of infinite gratitude and fascination with his support through my BC. But ever since I've returned, things went so bad, and that period is the "beast husband" period of my life. He turned into a highly verbally abusive, hostile, vindictive person. I kept waiting for his good side to switch back on, but it never did. I also have reasons to believe he might have cheated on me, as there were so many comments that, put together with his behavior change (esp. intimate) towards me, do make a solid ground to suspect this. E.g. soon before I left, he told me he was bored with our sex life and "... would have more action going on with a prostitute". It tripped me and I said "then go ahead and get one". And by the time I returned, he was checked out emotionally and physically, and was plotting an exit strategy.

Thank you. We've separated, he doesn't know where I live exactly. But we live not far away, in the 3-5 mile radius.  Hearing my story, my friends always worried for my safety, but I was content saying "he wouldn't hurt me" as I could never expect things going that bad so soon. And yet again, I was leaving home - we were love birds with fights here and there. So I could never imagine he'd do anything bad to me. But once I saw his texts to a friend where he was lashing with profanity about me openly expressing his madness, for the first time I saw it vividly how much he hates me, then I worried about my safety. I found a place and moved out asap.

still_in_shock: Your husband appears to be extremely unstable in his thinking on so many different levels and unsafe for you to be around.  You need to protect yourself in this.  I highly encourage you to stay separated from him for a good length of time until you can get your bearings straight as to what direction you should take.

[Restored2]

still_in_shock: Whether your husband has physically cheated on you or not is another story... .  By the sounds of his character, or lack thereof, he likely has.  It appears that he was emotionally cheating on you with the "young girl on FB who was flirting with him" and likely others.  His pornography/masturbation issues are another form of unfaithfulness in a marriage as well.

Glad to hear that you are safely separated.  I would highly encourage you to NOT let him know anything of your whereabouts.  Stay safe!   

[Jeansok]

I too have reached out to my H mom... .I don't think they believe it or not wanting to face it. They've seen some of his behavior... .

Again I'm so sorry :-(

My H has been incredibly distant for longer than usual and I'm waiting for him to snap out if it too... .

[Jeansok]

It is probably a good thing you don't have a child with him so you don't have to converse with him... .That must be so hard though  can only imagine

[still_in_shock]

it is helpful to read similar stories. I like seeing yours, the only thing  - its hard to read as the text is so cramped...

amazing, but mine too almost threw the wedding ring at me saying "it was just a bound", "suffocating him", "the worst thing that happened in his life", "the nightmare of his life" and so many other things. When I told him "well, my family put a lot of thought into getting one for you, and its an expensive ring, you know" he said "well go ahead and sell it, perhaps you'd get some money for it". It was quite hurtful as preceeding months were all about him commenting anxiously about my difficulties finding a job and not contributing economically. Forgot to mention, I've never had an engagement or wedding ring... so broke his was when I married him. And I was fine with it, as I loved him too much and did not care about material matters.

Here's some more from my original posts (almost two yes ago),sorry if it is Informational overload... .

ges: 1 ... .7 8 [9] 10 11

81    Help for getting started! / Help desk / Re: How to deal with 'from having a future' to having nothing   on: May 28, 2013, 04:18:08 PM

WOW, I hear "F**k off, never contact me again, you've killed 'us'" about every other week from my H. He threw away his wedding ring last year, threatens to leave... . etc etc... . calls me every name in the book and finds ways to always twist the story on me and where I actually believe it sometimes. We had a blissful fairy tale day yesterday and I'm just waiting for the next episode sad. I too am new and have already found this site very helpful, and I'm in shock at how identical some of these stories are to my life. He has not been officially diagnosed. I didn't even know what was wrong until a few months ago. He never acted this way before we got married and will have been 2 years this October. We have a one year old son. I'm at a loss for words... . Sorry you are going through this too, it's the hardest thing I've dealt with in my life and have no idea where this road will take me

ReplyReply  Reply with quoteQuote  Notify of repliesNotify

82    Dealing with Relationship Partners (heterosexual, gay, lesbian) with BPD / [L5] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner / Re: Unable to accept radically.   on: May 28, 2013, 03:53:21 PM

I can COMPLETELY relate Wishful Thinking. My husband has recently agreed to get help, and I have my doubts, because he seems to think we will only need to see this therapist for a few times- unfortunately but am hopefuly and prayful. He hasn't been officially diagnosed, though it's completely eye opening for me these stories I see on here are my life in action. I don't know what to do. We will see how this pans out... . I'm hoping for a success story but like so many others on here after what I've read, I don't know if I have the strength though I love him so... . 

I go through exactly this, last week I couldn't stand how he was acting then he snapped out of and we had a great day yesterday. I just don't know what to expect from day to day and musicfan42 you said it well with the expectations of what I feel like life should be for us. I want to be able to do "normal" things with friends and family and not worry about what kind of mood my H is going to be in. I can't plan anything and constantly letting friends down that invite us to do things because of my H and how he feels... . 

[livednlearned]

Hi still_in_shock,

I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. It's very disorienting and shocking to go through, and it can be difficult to see the mental illness when we are emotionally and psychologically invested in the relationship. My ex husband is also likely bipolar -- his mother is diagnosed and treated for bipolar, and like you say, it can be very hereditary. But bipolar did not explain some of the behaviors, and it was during my divorce that I discovered BPD. Everything fit. The name-calling, the verbal abuse, the secret behavior, the raging, the threats, the insults. Followed by very kind behavior, making it almost worse because it was so hard to know who was going to show up on any given day.

After I met my ex, I went to a work conference that was intensely demanding and my ex did a similar thing where suddenly I was split black. You will read here about the intense rejection sensitivity that pwBPD experience, which makes them behave in ways that are hard to understand. They also associate their feelings with facts. If you leave for 6 weeks to see family, your ex may feel rejected, and even though that is not the case, he cannot manage his feelings like you or I might. Instead, he is convinced that you have rejected him, and so he rejects you. When you disagree with him about whether you reject him, he feels invalidated. That means that even though his feelings might be based in incorrect facts, those feelings are still intensely real to him. You will read a lot about validation here on these boards. Also communication techniques like S.E.T. (support, empathy, truth). Even with these skills, it can be very challenging to be in relationship with a BPD sufferer.

The key to these relationships, and these divorces, is to focus on yourself. Many times, by the time you are talking about divorce, it is too late to repair the relationship. You have become too emotionally important to this person, because some of the most challenging behaviors are triggered by emotionally intimacy. My ex was able to have very pleasant seemingly normal relationships with coworkers and even friends, and that can be true for many BPD sufferers. It is the close interpersonal and intimate relationships that trigger fears of abandonment and rejection sensitivity. You probably feel a little compelled to rescue him or take care of him, but prepare for tremendous heartbreak. Only when a BPD sufferer feels it is time to get treatment will things change, and for that to happen, things have to hit rock bottom. If you keep rescuing him, he will have no reason to get help. The cycle just goes around and around.

You have been through so much, recovering from cancer, and now struggling to get by, plus a divorce on the horizon. I found that people were so surprisingly kind and helpful, total strangers who went out of their way to help me. I also had to learn to be very resourceful and find strength in me that I didn't know was there. It's my favorite thing about this journey -- to discover how strong I am, how capable and competent.

Learn everything you can about BPD. Read books, read articles here -- it will help you understand that there is no one to blame, least of all you. Are you accountable? Yes. Is he accountable? Yes. But that is different than blame. Mental illness is a terrible thing, and it destroys relationships and lives. This is an emotional dysregulation disorder that can make you doubt whether it's raining from a clear blue sky.

Keep posting. It really does help. You are not alone, and people here really do care and understand what you're going through. And this board is wonderful for helping you navigate the tricky waters of divorce with someone who is BPD. It will be a challenge -- your ex will be mentally disordered during the divorce just as he was during the marriage. You may want to contact a DV hotline or women's advocacy group because your ex's behavior is abusive, and they will understand the mind frame you are in, and will be able to help you find legal aid with experience dealing with abusive men.



Hang in there. It's tough right now, but it will get better. I was so completely distraught 4 years at the time I filed for divorce, I never believed I would regain solid footing again but I did, and feel even stronger today than I did the first day I walked into that relationship.

[still_in_shock]

Thank you for the soothing post. Its reassuring to hear from people like you, who've been in a similar situation.

May I ask where do you stand in the r/s now? Have you divorced already? How did it go? How long ago? Have you been in contact since? What is his destiny now?

I have so many questions...

In his case, he too is very charming and likeable. His friends and coworkers adore him. He has the amazing charm and is kind and pleasing when wears his mask.  He also manifests narcissistic tendencies and when I first started to observe strange behavior after him, I thought it was a BD (the only relevant mental disorder I've heard of). Something was clearly off and, given his dad's bipolar, OCD, ADHD case, I thought it was the same. But my naturopath, with who I developed trusting relationship and was sharing what was going on in my life, hearing it said it sounded more like BPD. And that was the first time when I started reading about it and was in awe how well he hit all the criteria. Unfortunately, when I started to educate myself on the disorder, it was too late. He's made up his mind on leaving me and ruining the marriage.

I do regret I left him for so long. But it was him who was insisting I should go and did not want to join me. I never wanted to separate for that long, but I had to visit my ailing father abroad. He seemed too fine with me going, and when I was there -- suggesting I extend the trip and stay there longer. 

Hi still_in_shock,

I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. It's very disorienting and shocking to go through, and it can be difficult to see the mental illness when we

[livednlearned]

I am divorced now for 4 years. My ex also had strong narcissistic tendencies. He was evaluated by a forensic psychiatrist who, for legal reasons I imagine, would only say, "A personality disorder cannot be ruled out." My ex is also a former trial lawyer, so our divorce was high-conflict, and we have a child together. Those two factors made my experience a little different than what you will experience. Having children with someone who is BPD and high-conflict can keep the problems going long after they should.

But eventually it all wound down. My ex lost custody and the judge terminated visitation, so currently there is no relationship, not between me and my ex, nor between my son and his father. One day, perhaps.

N/BPDx is very high-functioning, and has been able to keep a new job. I believe he is dating someone new, and that is good for me, although perhaps not so much for her.   All of the drama ended when my ex found a new narcissistic supply, but I don't know if that is coincidence or not because that coincided with visitation being terminated.

Do not regret leaving your ex for so long. His behavior would have surfaced no matter what. It could've surfaced when you went to the supermarket and took 20 minutes longer than he expected. It's only a matter of time before the devaluation begins. It often coincides when the BPD sufferer begins to feel an increase in intimacy. The opposite of what a healthy attachment would be like, where intimacy grows and you feel closer.

To understand these relationships, you have to really understand how emotions work. There is a logic to them. Many of us do not fully understand this emotional logic for reasons that are for us to work through. I think also that it's common for people here to end up in these relationships when we are at particularly vulnerable moments in our lives, and how that made us susceptible to them.

[still_in_shock]

You sound very intelligent.

So 4 years after the divorce and terminated visitation, you are still on this website? What makes you be here?  Were you able to move on with your life?

I guess one common denominator for all of us here, is that regardless of how badly we've been damaged by our BPD partners, we do suffer hurting over the loss of whatever good there was in them. And on those brief good moments, they do turn into amazingly loving and passionate partners.

Why are you still here?

I am divorced now for 4 years. My ex also had strong narcissistic tendencies. He was evaluated by a forensic psychiatrist who, for legal reasons I imagine, would only say, "A personality disorder cannot be ruled out." My ex is also a former trial lawyer, so our divorce was high-conflict, and we have a child together. Those two factors made my experience a little different than what you will experience. Having children with someone who is BPD and high-conflict can keep the problems going long after they should.

But eventually it all wound down. My ex lost custody and the judge terminated visitation, so currently there is no relationship, not between me and my ex, nor between my son and his father. One day, perhaps.

N/BPDx is very high-functioning, and has been able to keep a new job. I believe he is dating someone new, and that is good for me, although perhaps not so much for her.   All of the drama ended when my ex found a new narcissistic supply, but I don't know if that is coincidence or not because that coincided with visitation being terminated.

Do not regret leaving your ex for so long. His behavior would have surfaced no matter what. It could've surfaced when you went to the supermarket and took 20 minutes longer than he expected. It's only a matter of time before the devaluation begins. It often coincides when the BPD sufferer begins to feel an increase in intimacy. The opposite of what a healthy attachment would be like, where intimacy grows and you feel closer.

To understand these relationships, you have to really understand how emotions work. There is a logic to them. Many of us do not fully understand this emotional logic for reasons that are for us to work through. I think also that it's common for people here to end up in these relationships when we are at particularly vulnerable moments in our lives, and how that made us susceptible to them.

[livednlearned]

Why are you still here?

I'm giving back. I have no money after the legal battles I've been through and can't donate anything to support the site as a sign of thank you, but I do have time and can volunteer here.

Senior members who were here when I arrived, shattered and so afraid -- they changed my life. There is immeasurable wisdom here, that's what comes from suffering followed by being accountable for yourself. It helps to know that things can get better at a time when you can't imagine feeling good again, and it was here that I found that. No one else in my life could identify like people here could. You have to be in a mentally ill relationship to understand what it's like, and you have to recover from one to know that it's possible. 

[still_in_shock]

I've just noticed that you are a moderator here. It says it all. Perhaps, you could add a "thank you" icon here so we could thank particularly useful posts.

Thank you for all your wisdom. Indeed, only someone who's gone through it will understand us fully. Sometimes, when I tell the details of how awful my h has treated me and the things he's said, I do not think people actually believe me fully. I feel as if they think I'm exaggerating it, because for a person who's never experienced it, believing in such a behavior/attitude from a spouse just impossible.

Why are you still here?

I'm giving back. I have no money after the legal battles I've been through and can't donate anything to support the site as a sign of thank you, but I do have time and can volunteer here.

Senior members who were here when I arrived, shattered and so afraid -- they changed my life. There is immeasurable wisdom here, that's what comes from suffering followed by being accountable for yourself. It helps to know that things can get better at a time when you can't imagine feeling good again, and it was here that I found that. No one else in my life could identify like people here could. You have to be in a mentally ill relationship to understand what it's like, and you have to recover from one to know that it's possible. 

[still_in_shock]

I am having a hard time understanding and processing what has happened, and the way he's treated me.

I also feel very anxious as to realize he is having a great time now - partying, sleeping around, etc. whereas I am left with nothing, desperately looking for a job and just hung up on him... What bothers most is I think something has happened in my absense and I don't know what it is. I also regreat so much I have left, as I believe if not that 6 week absense, we'd still be together. I loved him. Upon return, I just felt like I was hit by a hammer - the way he's suddenly turned his back to me and just destroyed me as if I were his worst enemy... .I am still lost and numb of hurt feelings. I was coming home with gifts missing him so much, and he's greeted me with a fight, discarded me off his life, kicking out of the apartment taking all the money and announcing a divorce.

I am seeing a therapist. But I do not think it'll be too easy to overcome the hurt.

What helped you?

The stupid thing of me is that I think I still have feelings for my husband. I am not like him - I cannot wake up next morning and stop loving someone, let alone the person I've married by love. I am hung up. I feel jelousy realizing he must be with another woman now.

[Restored2]

I am having a hard time understanding and processing what has happened, and the way he's treated me.

I also feel very anxious as to realize he is having a great time now - partying, sleeping around, etc. whereas I am left with nothing, desperately looking for a job and just hung up on him... What bothers most is I think something has happened in my absense and I don't know what it is. I also regreat so much I have left, as I believe if not that 6 week absense, we'd still be together. I loved him. Upon return, I just felt like I was hit by a hammer - the way he's suddenly turned his back to me and just destroyed me as if I were his worst enemy... .I am still lost and numb of hurt feelings. I was coming home with gifts missing him so much, and he's greeted me with a fight, discarded me off his life, kicking out of the apartment taking all the money and announcing a divorce.

I am seeing a therapist. But I do not think it'll be too easy to overcome the hurt.

What helped you?

The stupid thing of me is that I think I still have feelings for my husband. I am not like him - I cannot wake up next morning and stop loving someone, let alone the person I've married by love. I am hung up. I feel jelousy realizing he must be with another woman now.

Hi still_in_shock.  It can take some time to understand and process all that has happened with being mistreated.  It is not an easy task to try to understand, let alone process, the irrationality and senselessness of being abused.

I was out of work for a good chunk of time after the breakup, which only increased my obsession with her and my depression over her.  What are you thinking could have possibly happened in your absence?  I don't think that there is much that could have securely held your relationship together with such a man lacking the character he has displayed.  Feeling like you were hit by hammer with being lost and numb is normal when discarded as though you are an enemy.  I felt the exact same way with mine.  What a horrible way for you to come home with gifts and be mistreated/abused in return.

Glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist.  Recovery can take time.  I encourage you to be patient with yourself.

To answer your question, personally it has been a mix of a few things that have helped me in my continued journey towards healing.  #1 is my Christian faith and relationship with God/Jesus.  A strong support network of good family and friends has been the other important factor.  Educating myself on BPD via bpdfamily information/discussion boards and other related websites has helped me immensely too. 

It is not "stupid" of you to still have feelings for your husband.  As you said, you are "not like him".  It is also completely normal to feel jealous of your husband being with another woman.   

[still_in_shock]

I am meeting with a very solid lawyer tomorrow. Still cannot believe we are at this stage. I guess, till the last, I was hoping he'd come to his senses, switch to his nice self, perhaps apologise and we'd move on again. But no. It's been over a month, we are NC.

All the counselors (2 therapists and a domestic violence counselor) all unanimously agreed he might have cheated on me and hence the absolute drastic change going cold turkey and tuning so hostile to me. He basically harassed and verbally attacked me, till he made me move out as living in such emotionally toxic environment was impossible. He seemed to be so in rush to get rid of me to move to someone else he had lined up...

So I am moving on with the legal process. Thinking of claiming alimony or court order for him to pay for my health insurance until I find a job with the employer covered benefit. I guess this is the least he can do for such treatment of me. And mocking that he can divorce me at no of my fault/concent grinning and smiling and enjoying saying it, while I was sad and crying  not understanding what has gone wrong.

[ForeverDad]

Do you have the Splitting handbook?  We have a topic on it over on our Book Reviews board.  A good attorney, even if he or she is not acquainted with it, will agree it is well written and contains good strategies and warnings.

You need a proactive and experienced attorney, not one who just files forms and holds hands during the process.  Expect the unexpected.  Expect obstruction, non-responses, blaming, blame-shifting, unsubstantiated allegations, sadly things you would expect from a determined enemy, not from someone you thought would be a life partner.

So what to do?  Deal with what is in order to get to a better, safer place in life.  Here is an overview of the typical basic issues:

• YOU - First and foremost, take care of yourself.  If you don't take care of yourself then your future is clouded.  Accept that your spouse does not have your best interests at heart.  Rather than making himself your best friend he has made himself your saboteur, a slick and practiced one.
  
  You need to protect yourself, there is no one single solution, there are multiple ways and strategies to deal with this.  You have various ways to find support: (1) trusted family and friends, (2) peer support such as here, (3) a perceptive and experienced counselor as well as an experienced lawyer.



• False allegations - Your spouse has already started trying to make you look worse than him and to have emotional leverage over you.  Sadly, this is a typical strategy that you need to counteract effectively.  An essential handbook for you and even your lawyer:  Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger



• Parenting and custody issues - fortunately there are no children together and so this huge trigger for divorce issues doesn't apply.  Heads up... .Be sure that if there is any intimate contact before the marriage ends that you be fully in charge of birth control, you can't trust him to cooperate on this matter.  And you don't want the unwinding of the marriage made immensely more difficult.



• Delays in divorce - As much as your spouse rejects and obstructs you, expect the divorce process to be obstructed and delayed as well in order to continue the conflict, blaming and blame shifting.  Be aware that you can't count on claims of cooperation, sudden insights, etc.  See your spouse for who he is, a user and abuser.



• Financial separation - Fortunately, your marriage is a short one.  Likely there is no way he can come after you to get support or a lot of your assets.  And you may be able to avoid shouldering much of his debts.  Some state laws may say a larger proportion of your personal assets are community/marital property, your lawyer can advise you concerning your state and local laws and their impact on you.  Find a proactive, experienced, problem-solving family law attorney.  Your case is already 'high conflict' so a form-filing, hand-holding lawyer is not enough.  Yours is not a typical case.

[still_in_shock]

yes, i got the book and 75% through the reading. when i've mentioned to the lawyer abt his possibel disorder (he'd never admit to it, its me who's highly convinced he has it), she said "unless he was officially diagnosed, we cannot claim it". they same the same in the book, you cannot call anundiagnosed person BPD. and he's extremely good at faking how intellegent and nice and king he is. that I know by now.

one hesitation i have - still related my being in disbelief its happening and hoping in the corner ofo my mind he'd come around - is that, what if I spur the major process now, but he'd come aroudn regretting what he's done. but it might be just me hoping in vein, and him already have mood happily in his life with a replacement.

a thought of infidelity eats me from within. he didn't have much to offer to me in marriage, i.e. financially or anything, all he had (what I thought) was a pure innocent loving heart and faithfullness. I could have expected anything from him, but not infidelity. especially, given his ultra concervative christian background. I bought into these qualities, and feel so deceived now... .i am the full. and he is utterly smart. he married me to establish himself here, and the day he got the last thing he needed admission to a #1 graduate program for free, which I navigated towards and showed the shortcuts and smart ways of getting the education for free), he dumped me.

Have I mentioned the next thing he proposed after we registered our marriage in court (literally, 20 mins after when we were drivign away from the courthouse), he suggested we go and write a will. to my utter wonder why (and I was only 3 months after BC diagnose) and mention I do not own anything or have kids to write a will for, he said "well, you have an apartment overseas, right? if I had anything, I'd leave it all to you" and gave an interestng look. I was stunned with the suggestion and the implications of it, but that moment (happily married what I thought), I dismissed the red flag, and (THANK GOD!) said "I am not ready now. I'll think about it". Thank God, I didn't write that will back then. I really do not want to suspect that, but the question just hangs up in the air -- was he hoping something would happen to me? meaning I wouldn't survive?... .I cannot think of his that bad. but that's indeed what has happened. and teh next time i revisited this case was recently, when he was dumping me, out of a blue he said "you look so healthy... " I remember  I was surrprised to here that (as the comment was said totally out of context), and laughed saying "well of source, because I AM healthy. and why would you say that all of a sudden?"...

I am stunned. I don't know who I've been married to... .an angel (who emotionally helped me icreadibly well when I was going through cancer (but was working and paying for us, and was financially quite ok, and helping him out establishing in the city introducing to my network), or a monster (who has dumped me when I lost a job, left pennyless, broke, emotionally drained and insecure, kicked out of the apartment to the street in winter, cursed, called "financial burden" telling "to go back to my country", most likely has cheated on me, and is now spreading rumors I am the mentally ill, using my own terms and definition of symphoms of BPD/bipolar I talked to him about his behaviors)...

this all feels like a horror thriller movie to me, and I cannot believe i am starring in it...

Do you have the Splitting handbook?  We have a topic on it over on our Book Reviews board.  A good attorney, even if he or she is not acquainted with it, will agree it is well written and contains good strategies and warnings.

You need a proactive and experienced attorney, not one who just files forms and holds hands during the process.  Expect the unexpected.  Expect obstruction, non-responses, blaming, blame-shifting, unsubstantiated allegations, sadly things you would expect from a determined enemy, not from someone you thought would be a life partner.

So what to do?  Deal with what is in order to get to a better, safer place in life.  Here is an overview of the typical basic issues:

• YOU - First and foremost, take care of yourself.  If you don't take care of yourself then your future is clouded.  Accept that your spouse does not have your best interests at heart.  Rather than making himself your best friend he has made himself your saboteur, a slick and practiced one.
  
  You need to protect yourself, there is no one single solution, there are multiple ways and strategies to deal with this.  You have various ways to find support: (1) trusted family and friends, (2) peer support such as here, (3) a perceptive and experienced counselor as well as an experienced lawyer.



• False allegations - Your spouse has already started trying to make you look worse than him and to have emotional leverage over you.  Sadly, this is a typical strategy that you need to counteract effectively.  An essential handbook for you and even your lawyer:  Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger



• Parenting and custody issues - fortunately there are no children together and so this huge trigger for divorce issues doesn't apply.  Heads up... .Be sure that if there is any intimate contact before the marriage ends that you be fully in charge of birth control, you can't trust him to cooperate on this matter.  And you don't want the unwinding of the marriage made immensely more difficult.



• Delays in divorce - As much as your spouse rejects and obstructs you, expect the divorce process to be obstructed and delayed as well in order to continue the conflict, blaming and blame shifting.  Be aware that you can't count on claims of cooperation, sudden insights, etc.  See your spouse for who he is, a user and abuser.



• Financial separation - Fortunately, your marriage is a short one.  Likely there is no way he can come after you to get support or a lot of your assets.  And you may be able to avoid shouldering much of his debts.  Some state laws may say a larger proportion of your personal assets are community/marital property, your lawyer can advise you concerning your state and local laws and their impact on you.  Find a proactive, experienced, problem-solving family law attorney.  Your case is already 'high conflict' so a form-filing, hand-holding lawyer is not enough.  Yours is not a typical case.