Daughter is considering becoming an exotic dancer

[Parents! Get help here!]

SlyQQ, who has hear ear and what are they telling her?

What is driving her to do this now?  Is there a problem that needs solving?  What are the other solutions?

The first line has to be to discourage this by finding an alternate solution.

[Skip]

SlyQQ, who has hear ear and what are they telling her?

What is driving her to do this now?  Is there a problem that needs solving?  What are the other solutions?

The first line has to be to discourage this by finding an alternate solution.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

My ex was a stripper.

Is this your daughter's mother?

FYI my step daughter ( i care for her ) who just turned 18 December 30 is extremely BPD and probably bipolar 1 We have as good a relationship as someone who is on her back about work / school can have. ( a sort of grudging respect / acceptance ) Her outlook is very poor regardless of weather she progresses from exotic dancing or not. (looming drug addiction / very smart but cant sit final exams hospitalizations, etc ) Ironically the reason she applied for these jobs is because i said she could not spend all day in bed an not go to school as is the want of BPD she then applied for these jobs i don't even suspect it was intentional payback an she is even in a good spot at the moment. ( the establishment is fairly high class ) But to say she is vulnerable would be a massive understatement I have tried to urge her to go to church to meet some friends ( burnt all her friends when she psycho in hospital ) she said yes but didn't come will try again apologies for the punctuation

Taking a high paying job that doesn't require an education, back ground check, getting up early in the morning, or too  much competitiveness is the easy road.  Most young people would  jump on a job like that... .it would be their own attitudes and belief system that would stop them. Since pwBPD have low self image issues and are very immature... .they are highly likely to take such a position.  They don't think about whether it is a good choice from all perspectives. 

I recently had a conversation with my 18 year old daughter about work and school.  She is afraid she can't handle the stress of both... .so we prioritized... .school is about the future and work  outside of a career is about making money to get by and sustain the pursuit of a career (academics).  It was easy for her to see that school was where she needed to focus right now. 

Can you help your daughter shift her focus to school?  It is best not to argue who is right and who is wrong.  Just like a toddler... .with immaturity a redirect is better than trying to reach consensus.

[BorisAcusio]

Taking a high paying job that doesn't require an education, back ground check, getting up early in the morning, or too  much competitiveness is the easy road.  Most young people would  jump on a job like that... .it would be their own attitudes and belief system that would stop them. Since pwBPD have low self image issues and are very immature... .they are highly likely to take such a position.  They don't think about whether it is a good choice from all perspectives.  

I recently had a conversation with my 18 year old daughter about work and school.  She is afraid she can't handle the stress of both... .so we prioritized... .school is about the future and work  outside of a career is about making money to get by and sustain the pursuit of a career (academics).  It was easy for her to see that school was where she needed to focus right now.  

Can you help your daughter shift her focus to school?  It is best not to argue who is right and who is wrong.  Just like a toddler... .with immaturity a redirect is better than trying to reach consensus.

I think the focus should be on the "here and now" dimension as most of them live in that timeframe, young age and the presence of substance abuse(meth is the worst in that sense) are the strongest indicators in deficits in delay of discounting, even among the BPD group. Setting them up for failure would just add to ever growing pile of shame. The pwBPD in life my was very smart(an unpolished gem), finished her High School Equivalent at the of 26, and by that time, coming from the right socioeconomic background, she would have been mature enough to pursue a degree, her dOCD friend and prostitute acquaintance both got theirs at early to mid 30s.  

While our delay discounting findings are consistent with research in other impulsive populations (Mitchell, 1999; Petry, 2001, 2002; Petry & Casarella, 1999), the extent of the preference for immediate rewards and the discounting of delayed rewards in our BPD sample, as compared to the healthy controls, is remarkable. Even when the delay was 1 day, BPD participants were inclined to accept a lesser amount of money because it was available immediately instead of waiting 24 hours for the full amount. In contrast, while control participants discounted the value of $1,000 over long delays, the lowest amounts they were prepared to accept were much larger than the BPD group’s choices, suggesting a greater degree of selfcontrol and ability to delay gratification. Many of the BPD participants joked about how they wished the money was real so they could pay outstanding mobile phone bills or buy more cigarettes. Such comments reflect how this style of decision-making is manifested in the day-to-day lives of individuals with BPD, where immediate gratification often takes precedence over pursuing longer term options such as saving money or quitting smoking. It is possible that the level of decision-making bias might be accentuated in our sample since younger age is associated with greater impulsivity in BPD (Stevenson et al., 2003).

www.goo.gl/AvtDbM

[Blimblam]

I think the who has her ear or what has her attention is huge.

My ex was often in chrisis mode even just to do her normal things. Some girl had her ear about how she could make like several grand in a night with her if she had s threesome with her.  The thing was the way that girl framed it and all that was extremely manipulative.  There is usually a person like that girl I describe involved or maybe was at some point and the girl your ex talked to is now making it seem like a logical decision. 

I could have manipulated my ex into going some really messed up routes I saw the vulnerablity but I didn't it doesn't mean somone else won't. 

[SlyQQ]

To answer some questions…

Her mother ( my ex ) used to be a dancer and stopped quite a few years before i met her.

One of the strange dynamics is that my step daughter is terrified of her mother, ( her words talking to a doctor when she was manic and very forthright ) and funnily enough I believe her mother is scared of her also. There is a lot of angst there and in any confrontational situation would bring almost instant dysregulation on her behalf ( my ex is recovering quite well and stable at moment ). They have seen very little of each other over the past few years ( lunch on mothers day not Christmas, a few brief encounters when her mum picks up our son on weekends but even then most often they dont see each other.) 

My step daughter needs to be placed in a calm isolated environment with few people around. This is not going to happen her life is turmoil stress getting through school, losing her friends, hospitalizations, fights with her boyfriend exposure to drugs the list goes on.

Nor realistically is there anything I can do about a lot of it. 

Again I had a plan /wish that I could get her away to work on a ranch outback to work but as life does, one of her old primary school friends turned up on her 18th an was working outback and I discovered there were 10 men for every woman and a heavy drinking culture - obviously a disaster for my step daughter who is a WILD WILD CRAZY drunk. 

I have been here before every time you step into to rescue them when they are in a volatile environment they throw themselves overboard again. ( sigh ) The reason she got this job was I stepped in ( huge fight another broken window lucky we don’t have plaster board walls but the wood took a pounding ) to make her go to school,( she only has to go one day a week and can study from home to finish her final year.  

She did understand I was trying to help her though and after the dysregulation, the next days sent of twenty resumes for work and started back at school. When I stepped in I was fairly sure she had started doing crystal meth an was staying up all night sleeping all day and though at the moment things are far better she has however placed herself ( unsurprisingly ) in a very high risk situation leaving me to field again.

Her psychologist was of the opinion I would have to let her crash and burn before I could help her and do the white knight thing and I find myself wondering if I am just adding extra rungs to the ladder and making the inevitable crash worse? 

Regarding who can talk to her she is very independent ( in a teenage BPD way ) her mother was going to talk to her ( but has not stepped up yet ) an it is one of those situations a sideway approach is best ( head on will cause dysregulation and push her into the arms of her new friends (sigh )).

She probably listens to me more than anyone but I find I have to keep my powder dry and strike while the iron is hot to get any lasting results.  

[Skip]

She probably listens to me more than anyone but I find I have to keep  my powder  dry and strike while the iron is hot to get any lasting results.   

No doubt, driving this to a conflict is not going to help matters - she'll shut down.

Has there been a conversation?  Has she told you that she is doing this?

[SlyQQ]

Thanks Skip been pondering your in and out reply. She left for work at 5PM today ( early ) so she could "practice " some pole dancing. She has basically told me the only reason she isn't dancing yet, is she is working her boyfriend around to the idea.

It seems only a matter of time before she is dancing. Educating her on how to manipulate people an get in and out is a sensible and pragmatic approach of which I am normally an acolyte.

However her mother was a paragon of excellence in these respects and in retrospect honing her abilities in strip clubs was part of this. Contributing significantly to the reason I am the only surviving long term partner of her mothers ( step daughters father suicide two others slid into shattered lives hard drugs an early deaths ). I suspect there are several more I don't know about.

My stepdaughter is deadly ( literally ) dangerous already and seeing her follow in her mothers footsteps sends cold shivers down my spine.

Thank you Skip for editing my last post punctuation is something I am bad at  an i appreciate your time is valuable. For all those others who take the time to decipher my posts, apologies.

[Skip]

My stepdaughter is deadly ( literally ) dangerous already and seeing her follow in her mothers footsteps sends cold shivers down my spine.

How so?

Educating her on how to manipulate people an get in and out is a sensible and pragmatic approach of which I am normally an acolyte.

Her boyfriend may be an ally in this.

Keeping her grounded is a place to start. I think someone earlier mentioned having an exit strategy.  I mentioned having a greater goal (like setting money aside for education).  

Painting a picture of how women have been devoured by this may also help if you can do it in a non-threatening way.

If you can find someone that did this and is will to council her, that might help. Short of that, maybe this book may help:

[Thursday]

I am step-mom to 23BPDSD who is a recovering addict, employed and doing, for the most part, pretty well in managing her life. Not perfect by a long stretch but almost on a par with many kids her age who have been slow to get their life going.

The one thing I've noticed is that her self-esteem (and the boosting of it) has been the single most important thing in her continued improvement in mental health. When she has those few and far in between moments where she looks at herself and finds someone she can truly take pride in, those moments set her up for success as she progresses. It builds and helps her grow.

As her Dad and I give her council, an identification of her authentic, unmasked, unencumbered self gives us a platform to build on with her. It also gives her a platform of her own from which to stand.

It took many years of trying everything with her before she herself decided to get sober and the therapeutic benefit of the programs she has been involved with have been an unexpected but decided bonus. These things gave her a place to begin gaining control of her life to make it manageable.

I don't know how to get these horses of ours to the water and have less of an idea of how to make them drink so I am not ready with advice as to how to accomplish any of this... .

Imagining your advising your SD to figure out how, if she's going to do it anyway, to use stripping or dancing to her own advantage just doesn't feel right to me. My fear here is that she will get involved and have a plan BUT that her self-esteem will get further sucked into a vortex from which there is no return.

I am suspicious that it's never really ok to be objectified, even if you've found a way to control how other people respond to objectifying you. All of the motivations seem to come from a place of low self-esteem on the part of the girls and some general overall misogyny on the part of the men.

My fear for your SD is that the world she is entering is far out of her abilities for coping. Consider the dysfunction that leads to getting something positive from this sort of lifestyle and who she will brush up against?  With so many people around her "on the take" where would she find normal from her peers?.

SlyQQ, maybe you have already said it a million ways but I hope somehow your SD hears the message- "I've heard read etc. things that make me feel afraid this might not be a good lifestyle for you. What other things can you imagine yourself doing for a living? How can I help you reach that goal (with boundaries maintained)?

Or something like that.

Thursday

[lbjnltx]

Dear SlyQQ,

When I put myself in your shoes and your daughter is my daughter... .I ask myself what would I do to stop this in it's tracks? The answer... .everything I can.

I would attempt to redirect her to a more positive course of action.

I would let her know I believe she is worthy of respect and adoration because she "is" and not because strangers lust after her.

I would offer her more support in any way to not do this.

I would attempt to put roadblocks up to prevent her from taking this job.

I would take a hard look at myself and ask myself where I may be enabling her to take this position.

In other words this is not acceptable to me because it is unhealthy for my child. 

I am the one that has to look at myself in the mirror everyday... .and I don't want to see regret when I do.

Once I have truly done all I can, I have to let the rest go.

God Bless and prayers for your stepdaughter are being offered up.

lbj

[Skip]

Imagining your advising your SD to figure out how, if she's going to do it anyway, to use stripping or dancing to her own advantage just doesn't feel right to me. My fear here is that she will get involved and have a plan BUT that her self-esteem will get further sucked into a vortex from which there is no return.

I think I suggested this first and I want to say that I share you fears. My statement is along the lines of "if she's already jumping out of the plane, offer her a parachute".

I agree with you wholeheartedly that this is not a world for an emotionally immature girl, with a personality disorder and with a drug history. Even with the parachute, is high likely is she to strap it own after the frenzy of money and drugs starts?  The word "meth" which was mentioned a few posts above makes a very high risk world.

Clerly we also risk adding some faux legitimacy to something that is not at all legitimate if we offer the parachute too early.

SlyQQ, maybe you have already said it a million ways but I hope somehow your SD hears the message- "I've heard read etc. things that make me feel afraid this might not be a good lifestyle for you. What other things can you imagine yourself doing for a living? How can I help you reach that goal (with boundaries maintained)?

I think this clearly has to be front line. 

Unfortunately, stuff like this is on the net that doesn't help:

10 Unexpected Perks of Being an Exotic Dancer

The psychological cost of being a stripper

I would attempt to redirect her to a more positive course of action.

I would let her know I believe she is worthy of respect and adoration because she "is" and not because strangers lust after her.

I would offer her more support in any way to not do this.

I would attempt to put roadblocks up to prevent her from taking this job.

I would take a hard look at myself and ask myself where I may be enabling her to take this position.

Its a good list.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BorisAcusio]

Imagining your advising your SD to figure out how, if she's going to do it anyway, to use stripping or dancing to her own advantage just doesn't feel right to me. My fear here is that she will get involved and have a plan BUT that her self-esteem will get further sucked into a vortex from which there is no return.

I think I suggested this first and I want to say that I share you fears. My statement is along the lines of "if she's already jumping out of the plane, offer her a parachute".

I don't know, Skip. Introducing long term goals to someone who is not equpped to understand and utilize the concept may very well be counterproductive. Considering the severity of the symptoms, exacerbated by substance abuse, failure is granted. It will contribute to their shame and already low self-esteem.

She just won't give up the easy source of money, the life without commitments for pursuing something that is completely alien and dreaded by her, while one can easily spend $100 per day just for meth.

With so many people around her "on the take" where would she find normal from her peers?.

I would attempt to put roadblocks up to prevent her from taking this job.

Good points. Eventually, the deeper she sinks, the bleaker prospects she'll going to have for therapy and series of "benevolent" codependents keeping her away from self-destruction.

One of the hardest situations I came along here. Playing into the punitive parent may force her to flee, while enabing is esentially green light for a lifelong mistake that will further deteriorate her situation.

I would contact with a T for evaluating the situation.

[Skip]

I would contact with a T for evaluating the situation.

This was the psychologist's opinion, I believe.

Her psychologist was of the opinion I would have to let her crash and burn before I could help her and do the white knight thing and I find myself wondering if I am just adding extra rungs to the ladder and making the inevitable crash worse?

[SlyQQ]

There is a lot to respond to here.

Initially regarding enabling her. Basically I see this as a problem of disabling her she presented me this job initially as a bar tending job only revealing its was at a dancing bar when she was offered the job. Which scince I was very much pushing her to get out an about an look for work to augment her school work had painted me into a corner, ( Which was no doubt her intent )

Also realistically she has now gained a lot of control over her life I can no longer use passive levers such as $ to entice her into appropriate life choices.   On top of this she is doing everything right at the moment , ( went of early this morning to enrol in extra classes at school, exercising reconnecting with some of her second teir friends ( she has lost her two best friends which was unfortunate because I was relativley close with her best friend which helped a lot.)

I have pondered employing a good cop bad cop scenario with her mother ( me good I guess ) but the reality here is that this pandoras box has been opened and it was something that was probably going to happen sooner or later. ( She had done dancing and knew her mother had been a dancer. 

Am under the gun a bit so I will think more an post appropriate responses as soon as practical thank you all.

[raisins3142]

I agree with others here that said that helping her make stripping work for her will be a bad idea.  It will just allow her to rationalize it to you, herself, and others.  She might think "I'll do this now and save for college next semester".  And next semester never comes.  I'm not a parent, so I'd listen to the parents here.

[SlyQQ]

To add some perspective to this, when initially I moved to get my step daughter out of the house and back at school / work, it was likely my step daughter was firmly on the path to being a regular crystal meth user.

At this moment I believe she has stopped. No guarantees but the club has a ban on drugs/alcohol for workers an I suspect there is some enforcement of this and my SD is adhering to this , but it is something I have yet to ascertain for certain.

The ongoing scenarios I can envisage are:

• Step in now Where I step in directly to stop her current course, it would put me back where i started along with a host of negative consequences. It is hard to foresee anything but her boomeranging back into a genuine meth addiction. Also this has no great certainty of success and either way and would end up with me painted at least a shade of black if not worse and to boot severely hampering my ability to help her if necessary.

• It doesn't work out The dream scenario is she works there briefly an takes up her modeling again (long story ) but this profession is not a whole lot better (drug-wise or morally).

• Step in after crisis Is the most likely scenario I see for me successfully extracting her and that is me waiting for something bad to happen ( a minor assault perhaps ) enabling me to step in and ban her from going back ( again no certainty of success ) As is often the case with BPD i find myself dammed if I do and damned if I don't, hence my current quandary. What i will try an do do regardless is use this respite to get her to reconnect with the church get back to school an push as much positive stuff as I can while the sun shines and keeping my fingers crossed half hoping for a miracle (I am assured they do occur )

POssible outcomes to the given downsides of her continuing working in these clubs (assuming the likelihood of her developing a meth addiction is roughly equal with option 1) are

• Saves money for worthwhile purposes the parachute approach becomes a given

• Sells drugs She could end up selling drugs

• Becomes involved with criminal elements the possibility of her linking up with criminal elements in the clubs it is not that unlikely given the power profiles, some of these people represent it might strongly appeal to her at various times and the predatory nature of some of these people will not help with this. Though in fairness by this time she may have learned more than enough to look after herself.

Not good. No certainty. Lots of bad outcomes. Some glimmers of hope, perhaps.

Thoughts or suggestions anyone ?

[Kwamina]

Hi SlyQQ

It's good to be prepared and I see you've been thinking about various scenarios.

2> The dream scenario is she works there briefly

an takes up her modelling again ( long story )

but this proffession is not a whole lot better.

( drugwise or  morally )

This is all quite new so at this point I'd say various options are still open including 'dream' scenarios. It's a very unpleasant situation for you to be in as a parent. We got to be realistic about the possible risks involved here and you clearly are. I do still believe there's hope for a positive outcome though.

She left for work at 5PM today ( early ) so she could "practice " some pole dancing. She has basically told me the only reason she isn't dancing yet, is she is working her boyfriend around to the idea.

A day has passed since your stepdaughter left for work. Have you spoken to her since? Has she perhaps said something to your other daughter? And how is your other daughter dealing with this new situation with her sister?

[SlyQQ]

Hi Kw good to hear from you am busy so will have to split this post. Just regarding things in general the situation in this house is generally so crazy if an alien spaceship landed in the backyard it would probably be met with a shrug an a " I hope there friendly." So her sisters actions are nothing out of the ordinary an amazingly enough at this particular moment everyone is pretty happy, so why worry ( her thoughts ) Her general attitude to her sister is she can go ---- herself which given the history is understandable though deep down there is some affection.  - I think.

[raisins3142]

Not to be a downer, but of course the club has an official policy that you can't use on premises or be high.  Can you imagine a place not at least paying lip service to that?  I'm not trying to take away some of your hopeful thinking, but the reality is that making a lot of money around strippers and the usual patrons is not likely to keep someone out of trouble with drugs, just in general.  I'm not trying to hurt you, just giving my honest opinion so that you have you have your eyes fully open.

[enlighten me]

Just been thinking about BPDs and stripping and one thing that has crossed my mind is how do they last in that enviroment?  I cant see it as being the most stable workplace so would expect a lot of falling outs. It is also an enviroment where having other attractive women around might be seen as a threat.

My ex wife had no friends that could compete with her in looks. My exgf was similar.

I just dont get it. Everything I thought i knew about BPD is kind of turned on its head in this enviroment.

[lbjnltx]

This is a very dark world hidden from public view. Not a place for someone you love and care about.

I hope that you will do everything within your power to keep your daughter from going down that tunnel.  

I will continue to pray for you and your daughter... .hope you are too!

lbj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raisins3142]

You might've found an exception, but the vast majority of men would take stripping as a red flag and find better odds.  It very obviously hurts your prospects in LTR.  Most men are not "evolved" enough to look past.  That is a simple truth.  It might sound unfair, but it is absolute reality.

I've never found it to be an issue with relationships. If a man is going to judge me that harshly for something I did over a decade ago, then I wouldn't want much to do with him anyway.

I'm going to be direct here because it matters in light of the original post.

This is not about you and your path in life.  I get that it would not be productive for you to feel bad about something you did and so an opinion that might make you feel that way, if you took it to heart, might not be welcome.

Having said that, you stated that only around 15% or so of strippers are well adjusted.  That % I think would drop if you considered the entire range of clubs out there.  Regardless, even if that % stays the same, you have basically told us that stripping should be a red flag.  If less than 1 in 5 strippers are okay to be in a relationship with (well adjusted), then that makes stripping a red flag by definition.

Also, having something be a red flag is not the same thing as "harshly judging".  "Judgment" is not a bad word.  It is absolutely necessary for humans to evaluate each other in order to even survive.

Given what you wrote about the lifestyle and company, it would be irresponsible to not advise someone against stripping.  That is not judging strippers.  It is simply the consequence of what you wrote.  It is like not wanting to advise someone against free climbing (no rope) because some free climbers make it and you don't wish to come off as judgmental in relation to the practice of it.

[SlyQQ]

To be clear if there was a reasonable way to successfully stop her dancing I would and I am definately open to suggestions. ( Her mother is also unequivocally of the same opinion ) Making the best of a bad situation is however looming large.

Rasins thanks the truth is that working in the club will in no way increase her exposure to drugs ( sad but true ) only her ability to purchase them.

[SlyQQ]

Finally worked out what is happening. SD is doing some things that are out of character, (started chemistry (not her) going to school 5 days a week when she doesn't need to ) With teenage girls, this normally means one thing. Her current relationship had definitely reached the unhealthy stage ( he had gatewayed her into crystal meth and it is ten times as hard to stop when there are two of you. )

She may soon paint him and everything associated with him black ( including drugs ). Part of the catalyst for all of this seems to be the dancing ( I had gently weighed in on the boyfriends side to test the waters ).

Stopping the drugs had been my priority for a while but my hands were firmly tied with regards to her boyfriend. Now things are changing so I am going to fasten my seat belt , try and minimize the fallout and let the chips land as they may.

I guess I will address the problems that might arise later as they come. Say a prayer for me.

Thank you all for helping me think this through,

[Skip]

I don't understand what you are saying. "Chemistry"?  "Gatewayed"?

Earlier you said she was off the drugs and trying to convince her boyfriend of the dancing... .

[SlyQQ]

My SD has mysteriously started doing Chemistry at her school. AND she is now going five days a week,These actions are contextually very unusual and makes me think there is another reason for such Skip, from past experience i have found I can normally attribute such things to boys one way or another. I believe my SD has currently stopped with the drugs but the one who introduced her to using ( gatewayed ) on a regular basis was undoubtedly her current boyfriend, who is still on the scene and represents a grave risk to her sobriety.

Because of her obsession with him there was little I could do about this but now i am sensing a change in the wind. They were becoming very unhealthy for each other and though I view the possible coming breakup with trepidation I believe it will be good for both of them and the opportunity for my SD to turn over a new leaf.

My apologies for the cryptic nature of the previous message.

[enlighten me]

Sounds like she has her eye on someone else. BF could be out of the scene soon with any luck.

Lets hope that this new direction keeps going.

All the best.

EM

[Skip]

My SD has mysteriously started doing Chemistry at her school. AND she is now going five days a week... .

Still not following. She is doing this to be with another guy?  She is doing this to have access to laboratory equipment and glassware?  She is taking life more seriously?

Why are you seeing that signals the relationship is failing?

[SlyQQ]

Sorry Skip no My SD is not good! at chemistry an not capable of cooking meth. There is either someone else on the scene or my SD has seriously started looking about . The Dancing has also caused some friction in the relationship but the nature of the fighting has cooled remarkably. Previously quite often the police would be called by the neighbours durring there fights but other than a few slammed doors it has been relatively quiet ( paradoxically indicating she doesnt care so much anymore ). Things are definately changing and I hope it will be for the better.

[fromheeltoheal]

This may be a case where BPD actually helps her Sly.  My ex would morph into whomever she was with, take on a boyfriend's hobbies, vices, taste in music, all as part of mirroring and taking on a persona that may make her feel whole.  The worst for me was when she was around her teenage daughter, whom she respected and feared; she would morph into a bratty teenaged girl so I had two of them to deal with, pure hell.

Anyway, if your SD got attached to a meth head who favored strippers, the behavior makes sense.  Now if the disorder were to play out such that he needs to be the scumbag and devalued for her to deal with her emotions in the current BPD cycle, and by chance attaches to a straight-A Chemistry nerd, she may be flushing the meth down the toilet and buying a white lab coat.  Becoming who she's with because she doesn't have a strong sense of self, we all do that or have done that to some extent as we find our way in the world, and a borderline does it to the extreme, it's not the end-all of course, better to take a break from relationships and 'find herself' for a while along with help, but in this case it may help.  Just my hallucination, apply as needed.