Adult child with BPD traits

[Phoebe09]

Hi I have an Adult daughter with BPD traits, she has had these traits since a young age and has always been very disruptive. Our entire family has been effected by this for many years and myself and my husband have tried to support, forgive and forget her behaviours and lies time and time again. She now has 3 very young children and has constantly withdrawn access from us. The final straw came a few months ago when myself and my husband were away on holiday for a week and my daughter took her 2 eldest children and left them without notice with their father. She told me on our return home that he wouldn't return the children to her. I instigated court proceeding to get the children back, my daughter was awarded the children back. However after having the children for 2 hours she said she couldn't cope and didn't want the children. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, my whole world stopped at that moment. How could she say such a thing!  The two eldest children were returned to their father and she kept the baby. I have been able to keep in contact with my two eldest grandchildren and have a good relationship with their father. My daughter has moved away with the baby and I haven't seen her or my youngest grandchild for 4 months. I have to come to terms with not having a relationship with my daughter and possibly not seeing my youngest grandchild again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamGirl]

I'm so sorry all of this is going on with your daughter. 

I may be reading it wrong, but does your youngest grandchild (the baby) have a different dad then the two oldest? How does Dad feel about your daughter moving away?

When was the last time you spoke with your daughter?

Please know that you've come to the right place to help deal with all of this. We all understand what you're going through and we have many tools to help you and maybe even help with your relationship with your daughter.

 DG

[Mama-san]

 

Welcome.

You are not alone.  As painful and complicated as things are for you and your family there are many families here that really do understand.  I encourage you to continue to reach out and get support from others.

It is common for BPD moms to be overwhelmed with caring for children which makes sense when viewed in light of they have their hands full trying to cope with their own emotions and self.  Our D lost custody/visitation with her children and has lots of self hate/blame/shame that she is a 'bad' mom.  Just a thought about how your D may see things.

Time may be your friend.  Does your D cycle up/down?  Can you stay open to contact?

Perhaps focusing on the good relationship you have with the other 2 g-daughters will carry you until things change with your D. And in between it may help to boost your communication skills to be prepared for when she reaches out to you. 

Wishing you peace and gentleness.