do I contact or not?

[teachersub]

Hello,

          I haven't posted in a while, but I do read the posts everyday. My problem is an adult son, undiagnosed, who has not allowed me to see my one and only grandchild in over a year. The last time I saw her was when she was four months old. (If you would like more background, I started posting my story in November.)

           I still am very angry and frustrated and sad ,

which I know from reading  the posts and other materials is not going to help me. I have been giving some thought to sending my son a short,non-accusatory message asking if we could get together to discuss how we could resume our relationship. I am almost afraid of doing this and wonder if it is the smart thing to do.Or should I wait until until he makes the first move?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mama-san]

Hi TeacherSub,

How heartbroken you must feel to be out of contact with not only your son but precious G-daughter. They grow so quickly.

I know of a g-mother in your situation.  She tried to communicate and eventually took legal means.  She was able to get regular visitation with some extenuating circumstances.  Do not know what state you are in but it might not hurt to check into that option. She took a chance and it worked and it could easily have had horrendous negative consequences.

If you don't contact you still have nada, zilch, zip.  If you try to contact you may have a chance.

When I have had to make a chancy reach to our BPD I ALWAYS try to put myself in her shoes.  What would I be thinking?  What would I like to hear?  Would I like a gift?(read:bribe)  Think about the emotion your S has behind his actions and speak to that keeping in mind that common emotions of BPD are anger, and behind the anger, shame, fear, guilt, and other negatives toward self.

It would be a huge step to see the g-daughter.  It may help to see it as a series of increments.

I have had good success using the rule of VVVT, validate validate validate truth.  Generally, people are more likely to hear what you have to say after they feel validated.  Keep it simple and if emotions flare be ready to lovingly drop it and try again later.  If you are unfamiliar with validation it is a most excellent skill.  This site has good information.

Best of luck to you. 

[livednlearned]

Hi TeacherSub,

My ex husband (N/BPD) refused to allow our son (now 13) contact with grandparents. They never met him  :'( and his grandfather passed away about 5 years ago.

A few times, they would send letters, and I can see now how well-intentioned they are, but knowing what I now know about BPD, they did too much defending, and not enough VVVT, as Mama-San put it so well. It's very challenging to focus on validation when you are angry, I know from experience. But that is the only thing I believe will work, especially after a period of estrangement.

In the beginning of my son's estrangement with his grandparents, I send things to them. The birth announcement, photos, firsts of things he was doing, short little notes. They never wrote back. My ex did not forbid me to write them, but when they didn't respond, he used that as "proof" that they were evil bad people. I had such a hard time imagining that they could be so awful, and felt my ex, even though he never relented in his angry feelings toward them, was also conflicted. It's almost like he wanted me to work hard so that he didn't have to. He could have the best of both worlds -- experience them from a distance while getting to be the victim.

My son is now 13, and his dad is no longer in our lives. Our family is very tiny, and I know it bothers S13. His half-brother was basically raised by his grandparents and had a very close relationship, and my son doesn't have any of that. It still takes my breath away how much that hurts  :'(  Fortunately, my mother has stayed very close to S13 and showers him with unconditional love. My ex tried very hard to poison that relationship but it was such a strong bond that it didn't really work.

If you cannot get access to your grandson, write him letters. Send them, and keep a photocopy of it. It will feel like gold to that child when/if he learns about you and discovers how much you loved him and wanted a relationship with him. Kids with BPD parents (and their spouses) often do not hear the truth about the grandparents. A box filled with letters would blow apart anything that N/BPDx told S13 about his parents. The lies would not be able to stand up under the weight of the truth.

If you want to draft a letter to your son that others help you with, this is a great place for that. Validation took me a lot of practice -- the instinct to defend or focus on how we feel is very strong. That's why this place is so helpful  We care about how you feel so you can focus on how your son feels, right or wrong.

I will pray for you that you get to see your grandson soon. He's lucky to have you and all that love. It will go a long way.

[teachersub]

Hi,

    Thank you Mama-San and livednlearned for your thoughtful replies. I did do some research on legal options, but Massachusetts,where I live, is a rather conservative state on this issue, and the courts will go by the parents' rights first. I also would hope to avoid a situation where there would be negative feelings on both sides,and I still would only have limited access to my granddaughter.

    I do like the idea about sending cards,letters etc. and keeping copies which I will date so she will know someday that this has been on-going.

    As far as validation, if my son responds to a message to meet and talk,I'm not sure exactly what I would need to validate. Much of what he raged at me about either was all over the place,wasn't true, or didn't make sense. I'm not sure what his fiancee feels about all of this,whether she has her own issues, or if she is being influenced or manipulated by him. I know that in the time we were all speaking, she was stressed out by some of his behavior; I can't believe she hasn't put two and two together. Or maybe she has and they're not even together anymore.

          I really try to work on keeping myself functioning, but sometimes there are too many questions,and not enough answers, and that's when I lose it.

          If you care to share any other thoughts, I would appreciate it.

[lbjnltx]

Hi,

    Thank you Mama-San and livednlearned for your thoughtful replies. I did do some research on legal options, but Massachusetts,where I live, is a rather conservative state on this issue, and the courts will go by the parents' rights first. I also would hope to avoid a situation where there would be negative feelings on both sides,and I still would only have limited access to my granddaughter.

I believe that legal action would be the last course of action that one would want to take... .if all else fails.

    As far as validation, if my son responds to a message to meet and talk,I'm not sure exactly what I would need to validate. Much of what he raged at me about either was all over the place,wasn't true, or didn't make sense.

It isn't his actions, his beliefs, whether or not they were true or made sense that you would want to validate.  It is the feelings that he experienced that would be validated. 

For example... .if he accused you of being a "bad" parent... .A validating statement could be "It must hurt so much to feel you weren't loved, protected, and cherished."

or

If he accused you of going behind his back and talking about him with other family members a validating statement could be "I can see why this would hurt you, it would hurt me too."

          I really try to work on keeping myself functioning, but sometimes there are too many questions,and not enough answers, and that's when I lose it.

It sounds like you may be feeling helpless.  This is not a good feeling and I can understand how feeling helpless can be emotionally overwhelming.  Do you think that learning some communication skills will help you feel more in control of your situation?  It really helped me.  Having knowledge is a powerful thing that can be used as a building block for the anticipated reunion with your son and granddaughter.


lbj

[livednlearned]

    As far as validation, if my son responds to a message to meet and talk,I'm not sure exactly what I would need to validate. Much of what he raged at me about either was all over the place,wasn't true, or didn't make sense.

It isn't his actions, his beliefs, whether or not they were true or made sense that you would want to validate.  It is the feelings that he experienced that would be validated. 

It took me a while to really understand this. I'm still learning. I realized it helped to pay attention to the feelings and sort of put aside the words. The words make me feel defensive, like I have to weigh in on whether they are true or not, especially when I'm the target.

My son speaks in code. When he gets hurt, and I ask if he's ok, he will often get mad at me, "You wouldn't have to ask if you cared about me." That's code for "I'm hurt, I feel alone." I've had to realize that when he feels anger, it's a secondary emotion, covering some more painful feeling he has trouble expressing. My job is to let him know I feel it and take it seriously, and believe that it's real. And care.

[Mama-san]

You've been doing some leg-work, TeacherSub.  Good for you.

You are so right, as others have stated, that validation is not easy at first however it is a critical skill for communicating and maintaining difficult relationships.

I always look for the emotion behind whatever is being said rather than the words- remember BPDs operate on emotion. 

For example if my DD36 screams at me  "I have to be at the clinic in 2hrs and I HAVE to be there! You are so STUPID!"  I can guess that she may be driven by fear of running out of meds or fear that she may not have adequate time to get ready or anxiety about her appearance.  I would respond to the emotion- not that I like or agree with any of it.  A validating response might be "I hate it, too, when I feel rushed and that I may be late" or "It was a problem getting meds last month so I can see how you would be anxious to be there for your appointment."

It takes a lot of practice but once you get the hang of it you will find it invaluable.

Another great skill is to not take things personally.  I think of myself as a rock standing in the middle of a river.  The water must part and go around me.  Ugly comments run off me like the water.  The water does not flow because of me and has nothing to do with me in the same way that our pwBPD has emotions that have little/nothing to do with us.

Great suggestion to reach out via letters. 

Keep posting

[teachersub]

Hi, As always, thank you for your response. Mama-San, I would like to run a few things by you to get some advice or suggestions.

       Intellectually, I do understand the concept of validation. I must have used it sometime when I was teaching full time (hopefully)! But I am almost afraid to face my son,as I don't know what his issues now might be. For example, he told someone that I was " strangling" the baby when what I was doing was trying to put her up to my shoulder to comfort her. He himself was never physically abused when he was a child,and how could he even see me possibly harming my beloved grandchild? I would die before I let anything happen to her. As I have already mentioned,he was all over the board with his accusations,and I do understand where it's coming from, but I fear getting blindsided again.

[teachersub]

Hi, I took all the good advice,and figured if I didn't try, I'd never know. So I bought a cute card for my granddaughter and enclosed a note for my son and his fiancee asking if we could get together to discuss our mutual mistakes and become a family again. I also told them that if this was not a good time, the door is always open, and signed "Love".

     I did this with a feeling of hope and relief, but I know I can't be expecting miracles, so I wait... .

       I will share the outcome with you. Please cross your fingers for me.