BPD Mother Of Our 3 Year Old Took Off With Him

[Entre Nous]

I have been in a relationship with a Borderline female for 10 years and she just took off and didn't come back with our 3 year old son. This is my 2nd night staying up worrying about my son.  I have been through this before with our 9 year old daughter which forced me to fight for and eventually gain custody.   I just can't believe this is happening all-over again and I cannot believe how stupid I am.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Entre Nous, so sorry you're going through this kind of worry.  Have you heard anything yet about the whereabouts of your son?  Have you contacted the authorities?

Hang in there and please keep posting, there are a lot of people here who can relate.

[ForeverDad]

Is she also the mother of your daughter?  Then you may have precedent or basis to also get custody of your son.  However, it will take court action and time.  Courts are typically very slow to act - unless you have valid 'concerns' for your son's safety.  Things that are actionable are substantive child abuse, child endangerment or child neglect.  Would any of this apply?  Does she have a history with social services or children's services that you aid you to get social services, Amber Alert (if they agree the circumstances apply) or court action sooner?  Are you officially documented as your son's father?

I recall when I was separated but the temporary orders from family court had been dismissed and at that time there was no longer any ordered schedule.  She even refused to let me talk to our preschooler.  The police were of no help, they said to return when I had court orders in hand.  They refused to accompany me to see my son but when I asked what they would do if I went to see him, knocked on the door and she called 911, they said they'd come rushing.  Since I didn't want to risk jail for being at her door, I had to keep my distance and wait for court.  In all, it was 3 months blocked from my son, one month to get a lawyer and file divorce and two months until the initial hearing.

[ogopogodude]

I have two words for you in terms of advice

AMBER ALERT

Immediately go to the police station and give all details.

By the way, amber alert in Canada means that EVERYBODY that hears this phrase immediately looks at all media (tv, radio, internet, newspapers) and pays attention to the details on the news report.

I am not sure if amber alert is international renowned or not. But in Canada, this is a very important thing. It is like a fire truck or ambulance in terms of being the law to pull over and stop and let the rescue people do their thing.  Any person listening to an Amber Alert is bound to report any details that may be relevant to the missing child.  Time is of the essence.

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry EntreNous -- it's awful the amount of worrying we do when there is a BPD parent. Do you have the same custody of your son that you have for your daughter?

If you've been through this before, was it recent? In the same state (or country)?

My ex threatened to take our son all the time, and I felt pretty certain I knew where he would go. Is that the same for you?

[ForeverDad]

I recall back when we were in the midst of a divorce and I sent my ex a vacation notice.  Since it was a Notice, I wasn't asking permission but she said No anyway.   My lawyer said go have a good time, I'll handle damage control.  So I did and sure enough, when she didn't get son back at the regularly scheduled time she tried to get an Amber Alert.  The deputy told her "it doesn't meet the criteria of Amber Alert".  She complained and the sheriff's investigator got involved, called my lawyer and they discussed the matter.  The outcome was that I was to call her every 2-3 days so our preschooler could talk to her.  (Note, she never tried to call me or son.)  Months later my lawyer told me ex had also filed an official grievance complaint against the investigator and of course that didn't make the investigator like her.

I don't know if you should seek anything as proactive as an Amber Alert, a lot would depend upon the overall circumstances.  Reach out to your lawyer for advice, also contact the local police and children's services for their evaluation of the level of concern.

Do you have any indication she will return and when?  Besides absence, do you have concerns of substantive abuse, endangerment or neglect?  While she is 'gone' is she allowing you "reasonable telephone contact" with your son?  I wasn't seen as a concern since I had done my best to give reasonable Notice of my vacation and my return in a couple weeks was a known factor.

And no, you're not stupid.  You, as a typical Nice Guy (or for women, Nice Gal) figured she would know how things turned out before and know that she would likely fail to act unilaterally.  But BPD is a mental illness, one of extreme emotions, moods and actions... .and mental illness by definition is not normal.  But, now that you know the situation, accept that you need stronger boundaries with your parenting.  Likely she doesn't respect your parenting much, especially when she's triggered, so you do need support form the Real Authority, family court and the various associated agencies and professionals.

[Entre Nous]

I have not been able to post because of all the chaos I have been going through here and emotional pain that I am enduring.  I am reaching out for help, understanding, anything at this point.

Things are progressing, but very difficult because of the nuclear wasteland that she has left behind.  My home is a wreck, my finances are a wreck, my family is stressed out and there has been no contact between her and I other than she is now claiming that I am the abuser, when in fact I am the abused.  I believe that she is living in a shelter with my son and because there are legal proceedings going forward, I do not want to comment on anything further since this is a public forum.  I am doing all the right things for our child's safety, but it is difficult and will take some time.

When I think about the way she did this, she took the easy way out,  Instead of facing her demons; facing the life; and all the problems associated with raising a family in today's day and age, she just got up and left.  Courageous?  Not even close.  She is a coward for doing this and not facing up to her responsibility as a mother, a girlfriend, a partner, & a home maker.  She now left me with this mess to clean up and now I have to be the responsible one for the both of us.  To top it off I am losing my job in the next few weeks and knew it.  She used this vulnerability and weak point in my life to do this.  The timing is not a coincidence.  My counselor actually had me look up the symptoms for Antisocial Personality Disorder aand my girlfriend or whatever her status is at this point fits the symptoms like a velvet glove.  Essentially, she is a Sociopath!  Does anyone here know about Antisocial Personality Disorder and or its association with BPD?

[livednlearned]

Hi Entre Nous,

Losing your job in the middle of this adds so much salt to the wounds. You are truly being tested right now, and I wish I could give you a little strength and rest to help tide you over. It will get better. Maybe not right away, but it does get better.

The aftermath of these splits can be traumatizing. People with PDs are emotionally immature, and are impulsive, and this can leave a trail of pain and suffering for others.  And in your case, you are having to be twice the adult during an intense and challenging time.

We have this on the site that might lend some perspective to the BPD/ASPD question in your post: DIFFERENCES|COMORBIDITY: Borderline and Antisocial Personality Disorder

[ForeverDad]

Things are progressing, but very difficult because of the nuclear wasteland that she has left behind.  My home is a wreck, my finances are a wreck, my family is stressed out and there has been no contact between her and I other than she is now claiming that I am the abuser, when in fact I am the abused.  I believe that she is living in a shelter with my son... .

Exactly like my separation.  She was trying to work herself up to drive me away, the only one left, I felt I was being measured for an orange jumpsuit. :'(  Despite me having recordings documenting I was not the one ranting and raging, it was an especially scary time.  When she made death threats, I called 911.  I think I almost got carted off except for our preschooler sobbing in my arms and refusing to go to his mother.  I believe he 'saved' me that day.  Later I was able to download that day's recording and the police arrested her for Threat of DV.  That incident sealed the implosion of the marriage.  It was Over.  But it also left me in the house by terms of the temporary protection order.  Like your ex, she lived in a shelter for a while - and even made an accusation against a mother there!

The first days and weeks of separation are the most risky for false allegations.  Keep your recorder close by and charged.  (Officials won't call her allegations false, the most common terminology we hear is 'unsubstantiated' and the case is closed (until the next allegation).

The fact that she has a mental health history - you previously got custody of the older child - is a significant factor in your favor, or should be.

All is not lost, things are distressing now but over time they will get better and more stable.  You're about 9 years behind me and I survived.  Back in late 2005 and early 2006, I separated after a 15 year marriage.  I believed us having a child triggered her to worse behaviors.  She always said her childhood was traumatic and so I have concluded she was reliving her childhood fears through our then-preschooler - rather than enjoying a precious child discovering life.

I reviewed all the PD categories and concluded my ex fit all the traits of Paranoid (increasingly suspicious and critical of family, friends and eventually me) and most the traits of Borderline (she did minor cutting but no proof of affairs*).  My lawyer at times said she was a sociopath, that she could lie and get away with it if she ever had a lie detector test.

*She accused me of being unfaithful so maybe she was projecting her own sentiments onto me, I just don't know.