Update

[lbjnltx]

I had to go back 20 pages on the Parenting Board to find the last time I posted about mine and my daughter's personal situation.  That's a long time... .over 15 months!

Milestones:

My daughter got her driver's license in September of 2014.

My daughter turned 18 in October of 2014.

My daughter received her graduation credits in early November 2014 (1/2 year early on the Foundations Program ... .minimum credits)

My daughter moved to the city with her boyfriend in November 2014

My daughter got her first job in November 2014

My daughter lost her boyfriend in November 2014

My daughter lost her first job in January 2015... it was a seasonal job for Christmas

My daughter is registering for her first college courses next week

Currently... .she is still in the city in the condo we bought 5 years ago.  She has a new boyfriend and a dog.  She is ok and could be better.  She is suffering from some depression because she went off her meds and doesn't want to go back on them.  She is managing ok though.  She doesn't believe she can go to school part time and work part time... .we have put work on hold until she gets a better feel for how much outside of the classroom work she will need to do for her classes.  She has changed her interest from cosmetology to culinary.  I pointed out to her that working as a chef or head chef can be stressful... .she said if she needs to she will go back to therapy to better learn how to cope with stress.

I live about 10 minutes from her in my new house... .sold the ranch.

In a nutshell... .we are ok!



lbj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PyneappleDays]

Congrats

Welcome the peace.  The storm comes in swells but enjoy the peace now.

I always enjoy my daughters company in these times.

P

[Kwamina]

Thanks for the update lbjnltx

There have been a lot of milestones! Great to hear that you've been doing ok

She has a new boyfriend and a dog.

I like how you mention the two together like this

  She is ok and could be better.  She is suffering from some depression because she went off her meds and doesn't want to go back on them.  She is managing ok though.

Why doesn't she want to go back on her meds? Are they having side-effects on her or does she perhaps doesn't want to be dependent on medication? In spite of her suffering some depression, I'm glad that you do still feel that she's managing ok. Also positive that she's expressed willingness to go back to therapy to learn how to cope with stress if needed.

Take care

[Thursday]

Thanks for the update lbjnltx-

Your DD's story is  among the successes here and I am wondering how large a percentage of her success do you attribute to

A) Early intervention

B) Residential Treatment (Falcon Ridge)

c) Changes you made in parenting and communication with her and your education about BPD

Wondering, if you don't mind sharing, how your DD is coping with the loss of her Dad- my nonDD was about the same age as your DD when she lost her Dad (my first husband) and I saw how she was negatively affected by her loss. 

It is also interesting to me that your DD, at 18, is living on her own. My BPDSD23;, at 18 and still today, is not at all interested in living on her own. In fact, when the person with whom she lives goes out of town (and since she is not allowed to have anyone stay with her in that home) she goes and stays somewhere else, no matter the inconvenience.

As for your daughter's decisions to suspend taking her meds- do you feel like the depression she has now is on a par with what you saw before she went into RT? Does she have better coping skills for dealing with her depression? Do you feel she will return to her meds?

At this point in our lives, when SD states she "can't" we listen and validate and ask her questions but we don't try to change her mind. I think she needs lots of time to effect change. Sometimes her impulses get the better of her though and she will make poor choices or ignore things that must be done. But we get closer to the behavior of a 23 year old all the time.

In reading your post it seems to me that you are in a peaceful place. Hugs for you on (supposed) low days... .but proud that you "sold the ranch" and have a new home. When I lost my first husband I lived in the middle of nowhere. Our most lovely hideaway became an empty nest almost overnight and never felt the same again. But it took me quite some time before I could shake myself away.

New boyfriend and dog... .something tells me the dog will be a part of your DD's life longer than the boyfriend. 

Thurs

[jdtm]

our situation -

dropped out of high school

spent six month in a drug rehab facility

graduated high school during above situation

moved in with relatives in order to attend college

got a summer job

began college and doing extremely well

quit job - just stopped going one day

dumped by best friend

violent with relatives and ousted from their home

living with another relative

refuses to return to college

threatening suicide

My question - any suggestion what to do?

[lbjnltx]

I'll do my best to answer the questions:

Regarding meds... .she says that they make her stomach hurt... she has had a lot of issues with her stomach for years.  As qcarolr says... .she holds tension in her gut.  Whether or not meds are the cause or just a contributor to her stomach problems is not knowable.  As she takes on school and work in the near future I'm sure the subject will come up about returning to her meds.  We will take it as it comes and as usual, I will address it with validating questions and let go of the outcome.

Thanks for the update lbjnltx-

Your DD's story is  among the successes here and I am wondering how large a percentage of her success do you attribute to

A) Early intervention

B) Residential Treatment (Falcon Ridge)

c) Changes you made in parenting and communication with her and your education about BPD

Early intervention 100%

RTC Falcon Ridge 100%

Changes I made in parenting and communication 100%

I truly do not believe she would be where she is today if the investment in each wasn't 100%.

Wondering, if you don't mind sharing, how your DD is coping with the loss of her Dad- my nonDD was about the same age as your DD when she lost her Dad (my first husband) and I saw how she was negatively affected by her loss. 

She is able now to talk about her Dad in a joyful way.  During the times in her life when disappointments come (broke, frustrated with a friend, car broke down, etc) she will be emotionally more vulnerable and speak about him through tears.  She is allowing herself to focus on the positives about her Dad now rather than just the pain of loss.  She is going through the grieving process in a healthy way.

It is also interesting to me that your DD, at 18, is living on her own. My BPDSD23;, at 18 and still today, is not at all interested in living on her own. In fact, when the person with whom she lives goes out of town (and since she is not allowed to have anyone stay with her in that home) she goes and stays somewhere else, no matter the inconvenience.

Her moving to the city into our condo was part of the plan put into place years ago... .we chose it specifically for it's locale near one of the community college campuses and plethora of cosmetology schools.  My husband planned to be there part time (as he worked in the city) so she would not be by herself all the time.  When she moved initially her boyfriend moved with her... .that only lasted about 3 weeks before she kicked him to the curb and wouldn't allow him back (can't say I blame her on that one, it was a smart decision). Having the dog (while he is ruining the condo  is a blessing for her as he helps bring structure, responsibility, and companionship to her life.

As for your daughter's decisions to suspend taking her meds- do you feel like the depression she has now is on a par with what you saw before she went into RT? Does she have better coping skills for dealing with her depression?

I think the depression she is experiencing now is less about brain chemistry and more about her choices and having the winter blues.

At this point in our lives, when SD states she "can't" we listen and validate and ask her questions but we don't try to change her mind. I think she needs lots of time to effect change. Sometimes her impulses get the better of her though and she will make poor choices or ignore things that must be done. But we get closer to the behavior of a 23 year old all the time.

We sometimes can't know in the moment how what we say can affect change... positive  or negative.  4 days after we had the conversation where she told me she didn't believe she could work and go to school (both  part time  of course) we were riding in the car discussing school and the amount of outside class time each course recommends spending on study.  Because I had told her the norm for core courses is 2 hours for every in class hour she didn't belief herself capable of that.  In the car I  told her not every course, especially elective courses would not require that much outside classroom study time.  For some reason a shift in her confidence happened in that moment and she said "oh, well maybe I can do both then". Meaning work and school.  We had made a plan for her to come to my house sometime yesterday.  She called me in the early afternoon and said "guess what mom! that place I applied at called me and wants me to come in for an interview".  My response:  "cool.  Is this something you want to do?" Her reply: "yes".  So I ask ":)o you still want to come over today and look at the classes being offered for the 2nd spring mini session?" her reply:  "yes".  So she came over... .we made a top 4 choices and will be contacting the school today about registration.  Will she get the job (retail clothing store?) I don't know... .just that they called her back is a boost.  Will she be able to navigate both school and work?  If she believes she can and I believe she can then most likely... .she can.

In reading your post it seems to me that you are in a peaceful place. Hugs for you on (supposed) low days... .but proud that you "sold the ranch" and have a new home. When I lost my first husband I lived in the middle of nowhere. Our most lovely hideaway became an empty nest almost overnight and never felt the same again. But it took me quite some time before I could shake myself away.

The year before my husband was diagnosed with cancer we had made the decision to move back to the city when my d graduated from high school. (we had our eye on a specific general location where we wanted to be)  All the choices I made about where and when stayed true to our plans pre cancer diagnoses.  It helps my d18 when I remind her that this is the course of our lives that her Dad helped set into motion.  I actually purchased my new home in April of 2014 and had to wait for graduation before listing the ranch to sell.

New boyfriend and dog... .something tells me the dog will be a part of your DD's life longer than the boyfriend. 

Thurs

Perhaps... .and I have to admit that this boy is the most stable, intelligent, and motivated of all the boys she has ever dated.  We talked last night about where they see their r/s going (at this point I'm surprised she hasn't told me he is moving in with her).  She told me "we are taking it slow".

lbj

[lbjnltx]

our situation -

dropped out of high school

spent six month in a drug rehab facility

graduated high school during above situation

moved in with relatives in order to attend college

got a summer job

began college and doing extremely well

quit job - just stopped going one day

dumped by best friend

violent with relatives and ousted from their home

living with another relative

refuses to return to college

threatening suicide

My question - any suggestion what to do?

Learn skills to cope with the disappointments of life, both of you. How?... .however you can.  Therapy, self help books, online support groups, inpatient care, from each other.

I encourage you to start your own thread and get the support you need and deserve.

 

[jellibeans]

lbj

Thank you for your post... .I had wondered how you and your dd were doing since the passing of your husband. Really positive post and it gives me hope for my dd. I do think having a job can give such a boost to our dd's... .I can just imagine how happy she must have felt. So good to read your post.

[swampped]

Dear lbjnltx:  It is so good to see you back, offering your wise counsel on this board.  Thanks for the update---I have also wondered how you were doing, and hoped that your dd was doing well, and that you were healing from the loss of your dh.  It seems to me that BPD is a lifelong journey, both for those afflicted with it, and for those who love them.  It sounds as if your dd is doing remarkably well, thanks to all the help you have given her, and especially for the ways you have integrated the tools and skills in your own life.  You are an inspiration to me, and I wanted to thank you for continuing to contribute to me and to all of us on this Board.        Swampped

[lbjnltx]

Dear lbjnltx:  It is so good to see you back, offering your wise counsel on this board.  Thanks for the update---I have also wondered how you were doing, and hoped that your dd was doing well, and that you were healing from the loss of your dh.  It seems to me that BPD is a lifelong journey, both for those afflicted with it, and for those who love them.  It sounds as if your dd is doing remarkably well, thanks to all the help you have given her, and especially for the ways you have integrated the tools and skills in your own life.  You are an inspiration to me, and I wanted to thank you for continuing to contribute to me and to all of us on this Board.        Swampped

Thank you so much swamped.

I have counted you among my supporters and compassionate friends here on the site for many many years.  

[livednlearned]

Hi lbj,

I also appreciate the update! I started our here on Family Law and Coparenting years ago, and have been reading here as my son goes through some tough times, including puberty. I'm not sure if my son is pre-clinical BPD, I have a lot to learn. I'm glad you're here and learn so much from your thoughtful responses to everyone.

Reading your post, I'm curious if your D sees her BPD as in remission? You mentioned that she would want to go back to therapy to help her cope with stress, which is such a thoughtful way to forecast and make plans for herself, a sign she is self-aware. I just wondered how she identifies with being BPD now that she is being successful and moving ahead with her life.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

"recovered" is how she sees herself. 

We had the most fun together on Wed nite when she came to my house to look at course schedule offerings.  I had the BPD Family site up on my laptop and she asked about my "mom friends" here, about their children, about if any other children I know of went to Falcon Ridge.  We discussed her journey up to going into RTC and how everything came together.  We talked about Thursday's response/questions regarding the percentages that led to recovery for her.  We both recognize that devine leadership was present and followed to make it successful.

When we spoke about how financial limitations are a reality when parents are making choices about RTC she told me that she was cognitively aware her first month at Falcon that she needed to get down to work because it was costing us a lot of money and money isn't in endless supply.  I was never aware of this... .we learn something new about each other all the time.

As she sat next to me with her head laying on my shoulder and I clicked away at courses and schedules I had the overwhelming feeling of gratitude to this site, to all the staff and members who were part of my education, experiences, curiosity, commiseration, challenges, frustrations, fears, and choices.  My daughter wishes you all as much success, love, and peace as she has found with your help.

[qcarolr]

Hi lbjnltx

Your presence here again is good. I have missed your wisdom here. It is good to hear that you and DD are able to be there with each other in such positive ways -- healthy relationship ways. It has been an often scary, painful difficult journey. For D to be able to talk with you openly about her life is such a gift.

I do think of you both often.   

qcr