We are in a complicated situation and feel overwhelmed.

[celtix1234]

I am so happy to find this site; I hope it can offer some advice and support.

I apologize in advance: I’m about to write a book. If you have little patience, just scroll on by.

I am a former high school teacher, now a social worker. My husband is in IT. We have two grown biological children. We have taken in several kids over the years, mostly my students and friends of my children. They tend to live with us anywhere from a month to 9 months, while they get on their feet and learn the skills needed to be independent, and then they fly from the nest. One of those students, the one who lived with us for 9 months, we consider our son. My husband trained him in IT and then gave him his biggest contract. That boy is now 24 and making more money than I am.

Last February/March, I started talking to a 20-year-old girl on a Facebook group we both belonged to (for INFPs, if anyone is familiar with the Myers-Briggs). I’ll call her R. After a while, she started telling me how much abuse she had suffered (sexual, physical, emotional) at the hands of her family. She said that she was not allowed to date or even leave the home, and her parents were using her as a slave. She felt like she didn't belong in that family. I sort of off-handedly said we'd be her family. So she planned her escape and moved from CA to MO on May 9. We knew she would have some emotional issues, and the first 6 months were pretty much hell, as she would have crying jags that would last for hours. One day, I held her for 6 hours straight and another 4 hours later. In June I got a text while at work saying that she was suicidal. We got her into a psych ward, and they diagnosed her with PTSD and depression and put her on Prozac. We weren't surprised. After she got out of the psych ward, we started taking her to a counselor, who said BPD on the second appointment.

I have some familiarity with BPD, as one of the boys we took in had it. He's the one who showed me the online test he had taken showing he had BPD. I had never heard of it before then. After 4 wonderful months with us, he ended up getting upset with me over something stupid and he pinned me to the floor and said he might burn the house down. It was a very scary time. I got the book I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, and realized that my cousin has it, as well. She, too, could be very frightening. She lied and was very manipulative, trying to break up my former marriage and physically abusing her boyfriend.

At that point, I wasn’t ready to accept BPD for R. I thought the diagnosis was too hasty. I went over the list of common BPD behaviors with her, and she responded, “I USED to be that way,” to about 80% of it. She’s a very sweet girl, very affectionate and smart - we love her. So I just couldn’t see it. However, I DID think that DBT, which that counselor mentioned, would help her with some of her issues, so I got her a workbook: “The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook.” She started on it and then stopped.  Now she is refusing to do it. I think it’s because it’s hitting a little too close to home. For the last 8 months, we have been focusing on what her family did to her. Now it’s time to focus on what she does to herself, and that’s a lot scarier. I understand that.

Now, after several incidents where she was fine one minute and having what we started calling “an episode” the next minute, I started to reconsider the BPD diagnosis.  I found this quiz: www.psychcentral.com/quizzes/borderline.htm  and took it answering the questions as she would probably answer them. Then I had my husband do the same thing. I got a score of 35, and he got 38. Both scores indicate severe BPD. Granted, it’s probably just a stupid online test, but it got me researching, and I’m pretty sure it’s correct. Today, R is supposed to sign a release form so we can talk to her counselor. She knows something is going on, but she also knows she’s not ok (her words) and that we want to help her. She thinks she has depression. We haven’t mentioned BPD, because we are going to bring it up to her counselor and have HER talk to R about it - she'll take it better from her counselor. I also suspect that R researched BPD back when it was first brought up and knows what a major illness it is, and she doesn’t want us to know she has it, because she’s scared we’ll abandon her.

I’m realizing that we have bitten off WAY more than we can chew. This isn’t going to be a case of supporting her for a few months while she gains independence and then she’ll get her own place and all will be well. Other than a 19 year old cousin, this poor girl has no family to go back to. WE are her family. And yet we are not equipped to deal with this. When we are at home, the only time we are alone is when we’re showering or sleeping. She is extremely needy and basically can’t be alone.  We frequently can’t leave the house without her, or she’ll have an episode. We went to the neighbors’ for their Superbowl party and got a text a half an hour later: “I’m shaking, and I can’t stop.”  There go our plans of some mini vacations that were very much needed even before she came to us – we cancelled our trip to see some friends next month.  I’m a strong introvert and very empathetic. I also have systemic Lyme’s disease, and I’m in constant physical pain. I am normally a fairly emotionally stable person, but her every mood affects me to the point where I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. I am DRAINED. My husband, who is an amazing man, helps out with her equally, is somehow able to be fairly objective; things just don’t get to him. He’s lucky.

I sort of flipped out Friday night and basically told R that I needed some space and some alone time with my husband. Of course, there’s no nice way to say that, especially to someone with BPD, and she became very upset, threatening suicide and running into her room, locking the door, screaming, and pounding on the wall.

We talked about it last night, and things are calm now. But I know it’s just a matter of time until it’s not. And I’m not sure how much longer I can keep my sanity in check.  

R started school in August and is doing pretty well (passing Algebra with a C, which is an amazing feat to me!). She also has a work study position at the school. She no longer sees the first counselor (she only saw her 4-5 times), but she gets free counseling at her college.  We have an appointment with her counselor Friday. I know her counselor thinks R is a great girl (she IS!), and she keeps talking about what miracles we are, to have taken in this complete stranger.  But honestly, I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what to say that’s not going to make me sound heartless.  I’m such a mess over this that I am considering counseling.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!  Any advice would be MUCH appreciated, but please be gentle; I don’t know how much more I can take.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Restored2]

Welcome to this very supportive family, celtix1234!  This is an incredible site.  We all are dealing with various BPD relationships that are challenging.  It sounds like you have more than enough on your plate to be dealing with.  "Considering counselling" is an excellent consideration for you to seriously look into.  We all need outside perspectives with wise counsel from time to time.  I would also encourage you to take time out for yourself to manage the stress loads.  Whether that be relaxation massages, the gym, walks, etc.      

[DreamGirl]

Hi celtix1234,



First, as anyone who is in a caretaking role of someone who is mentally ill --- all these feelings you're having are pretty normal (guilty, overwhelmed, afraid, exhausted etc.) BPD can also feel like a doom and gloom diagnosis but know that there is hope! Especially when she seems to be willing to help herself and has a therapist who is experienced in this kind of diagnosis. A lot of times the right support system is the cornerstone in helping her thrive.

I can also understand why you are feeling ill-equipped. She sounds like she has so much going on and that it's very demanding of your time. You're right that she can't be completely dependent on you. It's not healthy for you or her.

You need support too.  

You're in the right place to help your relationship on a more productive course. You're amongst several parents who know success with the right boundaries and limits. The right tools to help communication.  

When you speak with the counselor, is there a game plan that you're expecting to be implemented? Are there DBT groups in your area?

~DG

[celtix1234]

When you speak with the counselor, is there a game plan that you're expecting to be implemented? Are there DBT groups in your area?

~DG

Thank you, folks, for the warm welcome. Sorry if I'm not doing this correctly - I've never been on a site like this.   

From what I understand, there are DBT groups. R's former counselor mentioned DBT support groups. I hope the counselor can point us in the right direction. I think we mainly want the counselor to be on board with us and to help R understand her diagnosis in order for us to work together. Up until now, her counselor has been very encouraging of her progress, but I think they've both shied away from some of the more difficult work that needs to be done, and a lot of that is probably because R is careful about what she divulges to her counselor and thus the counselor probably didn't realize that R has BPD.

[lbjnltx]

Hello celtix1234

So glad you are here looking for support and information.

We are happy and privileged to help.

And you are doing it just right  

What seems to be your most immediate need is the ability to have self time and time with your spouse.  Is that correct?

Working from that premise I can suggest that you begin to prepare R20 the day before.  

"R20, I want to let you know that my husband and I have plans to go to for a walk together alone tomorrow night from 7-8. We won't be gone more than an hour and we won't go do anything else."

The next day... ."R20, I want to remind you that husband and I are going to go for our walk tonight.  I would like to know how you feel about that."

"Can you make a plan to spend time with a friend to help you get through?"

"Can you make a plan to call a friend/cousin to help you get through?"

"What do you think will help you get through?"

lbj

[Restored2]

You're welcome, celtix1234.  No need to apologize, as you are doing it correctly on this site.  Having the counsellor on board for her to receive the necessary help is very important.  Keep forging upwards and forwards!

[celtix1234]

The next day... ."R20, I want to remind you that husband and I are going to go for our walk tonight.  I would like to know how you feel about that."

"Can you make a plan to spend time with a friend to help you get through?"

"Can you make a plan to call a friend/cousin to help you get through?"

"What do you think will help you get through?"

lbj

Wow. I can see where that is great advice, but I can't picture going through the next how-many-years having to warn someone in advance that I'm going to spend some time with my husband. I feel sort of like we have taken in a little child, and now we have to get a babysitter if we want to have the normal life we've lived thus far. I am sort of freaking out, realizing the commitment. I've taken in at least 6 teens/young adults and have helped them become independent within just a few months. That's what I thought was going to happen here. Now it seems like she's not going to be capable of leaving home for a long time and that our lives are going to be full of whatever the newest crisis is, and if we even want to just take a walk, it's going to require preparation. We have lost our freedom. I feel like a prisoner in my own home now. I know this is going to sound horrible, but I didn't sign up for this, and I don't know what to do!

[lbjnltx]

Oh celtix... .I can see why you feel this way. 

The good news is that as R learns that you come back just as you say and she manages to get through these times of your absence she can grow more secure and become less reactive.  It is a basis to begin to build her coping skills.  It doesn't always have to be this way.

The hope is that it will become easier (through repetition and successful navigation) that she will not need the pre planning, reminders to find a distraction, and can cope with being alone.  As time goes on the length of absence can be slowly extended, preplanning no longer needed, and everyone gains some healthy independence from each other.

I'm not suggesting that this is going to be a quick process.  It will take time.

lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi celtix1234,

It's a really promising sign that R is willing to see a counselor, and that she knows there might be something going on. The DBT groups also may provide a lot of relief and if not just awareness, some good coping skills as R learns to be responsible for her own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

I have to also say that having access to counselors for your own feelings is just as important. To help explain the emotional logic, and to give yourself somewhere to release.

As challenging as they relationships can be, I found the pwBPD in my life were gifts that taught me more about myself and others than anything else in my life. The key is to take care of yourself as you go through the healing process so that your tank isn't on empty. Take time to figure out what that means for you, and know that there is no right or wrong answer for how much self-care you need.

And many of the skills that apply to BPD work wonderfully on everyone 

[Panda39]

Hi celtix1234,



It seems to me what you're really asking is if you should take this young woman on or not in a long term way.  Only you can asnswer that.  I'm not going to lie, having someone with BPD in your life can be very challenging.  What does your husband think?  Have your children had any interaction with this young woman?  If so what do they think?  If you take this on it will be a big commitment that will most likely effect your entire family.

I suggest that you read about BPD to get a good understanding of what it's all about and read some of the posts here to see how others are living with someone with BPD.

What we can offer you here is support and tools if you decide to take this on.

Take care,

Panda39

[Kate4queen]

At 21, my son with BPD convinced another family that we were the parents from hell. They offered him a place to live when he walked out of our home (after we'd asked him to stop raging because we wanted to help him.) He told them we'd kicked him out of course. I'm not sure exactly what else he told them but they took him in and even though we'd known them for years refused to talk to us about their decision, which was pretty devastating.

After 6 months when their temporary fix was still in place and we were paying him an allowance and he wasn't paying them anything and was mainly smoking pot with their son, and hadn't shaped up as they thought he should do with their guidance they asked him to leave. As he would have died rather than come home and admitted he'd made a mistake, he ended up sleeping on friends couches and in his car until we finally sorted out a solution that worked for us all without him returning home.

So I'd be very careful about your choices because it is a minefield even when its your own kid, let alone someone else's. It's amazing that you care enough to try though. So kudos to you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[celtix1234]

Hi celtix1234,



It seems to me what you're really asking is if you should take this young woman on or not in a long term way.  Only you can asnswer that.  I'm not going to lie, having someone with BPD in your life can be very challenging.  What does your husband think?  Have your children had any interaction with this young woman?  If so what do they think?  If you take this on it will be a big commitment that will most likely effect your entire family.

I suggest that you read about BPD to get a good understanding of what it's all about and read some of the posts here to see how others are living with someone with BPD.

What we can offer you here is support and tools if you decide to take this on.

Take care,

Panda39

Yes. That is the root of all of this. Should we take this commitment on, knowing that it's going to be a major disruption in our lives (especially since now she is refusing to work on herself)?  The whole mess has my husband and me at each other's throats, and we rarely argue. It's not that we fight over HER, but we are just constantly irritated, and it is difficult for us to not take it out on each other.

So Friday we are meeting with her counselor. Hopefully, she agrees to broach BPD with R, and then the cat will be out of the bag. I really think R knows that she has BPD, she just doesn't want US to know. Once we have the diagnosis backed up by her counselor, then we can start to deal with it. She has said several times recently that she doesn't want to work on herself. She doesn't want to do the workbook I got her, nor does she want to go to a support group. Basically, she just wants to take her emotions out on us. That's what it feels like.

Coincidentally, I am chatting with my husband over Hangouts, and he just said this: "When she wants unhealthy attention, she will have to know up front that she's not going to get it. That's part of what I mean by it doesn't matter if she wants to go through the motions of dealing with BPD, we're still going to go through them so she might as well get with the program because it's still going to happen.  I'm also not afraid to say "Look, you've been here for awhile, you've achieved a lot. If you want to call this good, and go back to live with your cousin, that's ok. But here's where the next phase begins, and if you want to stay, then you need to understand that this is what's going to happen, and it's going to be difficult. You might not like it, and neither will we, but if we agree to help you, then help is what we're going to do whether it's convenient for you or not."

That makes me feel better in that I really hope she chooses to go live with her cousin and save us all the grief. And the way my husband plans on broaching it with her, makes it HER decision, not like we're kicking her out, which will make me feel better, too. Over the weekend's debacle, she said that she had already lost a set of parents, she didn't want to lose this set, which broke my heart, but I also can't have my marriage and my life suffer just because we tried to help someone.

By the way, my daughter, who is 30, WANTS to like R, but R is so self-absorbed that if you aren't discussing HER or the shows/books/music she's into, she just sits there, checking her phone. She doesn't ask questions to show that she cares about your life (something which has bothered me, as well), she doesn't try to get to know anyone. I can't help but think of a line I read on this group that said: "Who really is the Borderline? Someone who needed you for awhile because they were scared to be alone."  I don't think she really loves us. I don't know if she CAN.  :'(

[lbjnltx]

She can love you celtix. 

[celtix1234]

At 21, my son with BPD convinced another family that we were the parents from hell. They offered him a place to live when he walked out of our home (after we'd asked him to stop raging because we wanted to help him.) He told them we'd kicked him out of course. I'm not sure exactly what else he told them but they took him in and even though we'd known them for years refused to talk to us about their decision, which was pretty devastating.

I had the idea that maybe she was lying to us, but I've seen her credit card statements that are full of purchases her mother made (before R came to us). Her mother made her get the credit card, and then she took it for her own use. She also made R take out 19K in student loans that she kept. In addition, I've seen a text R's aunt wrote to her that basically admitted she knew that R was being abused. And recently, it came to light that another one of R's cousins had been molested by the same person who molested her. So I DO believe that she was horribly abused.

I can really relate to your situation though, because the boy we took in years ago who had BPD lied to us about his parents kicking him out. When he threatened to burn down our house, we had a serious talk with his parents and found out all the extreme lies he had been telling us. That boy is another reason why I'm so freaked out about R having BPD.

I'm glad you managed to come to a solution that works for all of you, and I hope your son is doing better.