Navigating the Gray Area Between Help and Codependency

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi all,

I am a newbie here and have to say first time posting anywhere on line.  It's been such a rough road but I have to admit things have been improving little by little.  Daughter treatment since aged 6 with orig. diagnosis of ADHD, ODD.  Aged 10 diagnosed with Bi-Polar, ADHD.  Years of social, emotional, drug, drinking, sexual promiscuity lead to diagnosis of BPD and Alcohol Drug Addition, Social Anxiety at age 22.  She's been through rehab, successfully approaching her 2 year anniversary clean and sober.  She is now approaching 24, lives at home, never held a job, with exception of internship just before graduating a private college with her A.S. degree in business admin.  The issue now is that with living at home and no income my husband and I fully support her and that in and of itself is not the problem, the problem is I KNOW ENABLING is not what we want to do and yet when giving suggestions to look for work, volunteer, get out more the more she shuts down and goes into her head for solace.  I want more than anything for her to find her way to a productive, fully immersed in living kind of life.  She wants it too, but the fear is so very overpowering she's comes to the precipice and cowers as if looking into hell itself.  My husband and I are in our late 50s and we want to spend time building our life (this is her step father, we've been married just 5 years now).  Her and I have a much improved relationship but as I'm sure everyone here can relate have our rocky moments (usually when she has to be told "NO" or "not now"  Been a problem since toddler-hood and pretty much still a problem.  In any case, I think I really need to vent to those who can empathize (god knows family doesn't, they are always saying, "just kick her out, she has to grow up sometime."  I've even had therapist tell me the same thing.  I cannot do that.   I will not do that but I do want to take small steps in getting her to lean that direction.  Thanks for listening everyone.

[highhopes4future]

Hi all,

I am a newbie here and have to say first time posting anywhere on line.  It's been such a rough road but I have to admit things have been improving little by little.  Daughter treatment since aged 6 with orig. diagnosis of ADHD, ODD.  Aged 10 diagnosed with Bi-Polar, ADHD.  Years of social, emotional, drug, drinking, sexual promiscuity lead to diagnosis of BPD and Alcohol Drug Addition, Social Anxiety at age 22.  She's been through rehab, successfully approaching her 2 year anniversary clean and sober.  She is now approaching 24, lives at home, never held a job, with exception of internship just before graduating a private college with her A.S. degree in business admin.  The issue now is that with living at home and no income my husband and I fully support her and that in and of itself is not the problem, the problem is I KNOW ENABLING is not what we want to do and yet when giving suggestions to look for work, volunteer, get out more the more she shuts down and goes into her head for solace.  I want more than anything for her to find her way to a productive, fully immersed in living kind of life.  She wants it too, but the fear is so very overpowering she's comes to the precipice and cowers as if looking into hell itself.  My husband and I are in our late 50s and we want to spend time building our life (this is her step father, we've been married just 5 years now).  Her and I have a much improved relationship but as I'm sure everyone here can relate have our rocky moments (usually when she has to be told "NO" or "not now"  Been a problem since toddler-hood and pretty much still a problem.  In any case, I think I really need to vent to those who can empathize (god knows family doesn't, they are always saying, "just kick her out, she has to grow up sometime."  I've even had therapist tell me the same thing.  I cannot do that.   I will not do that but I do want to take small steps in getting her to lean that direction.  Thanks for listening everyone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello highopes4future 

Glad that you joined and are telling us about your life with your daughter. 

We are here to lend an ear (or eyes) when you need to talk about your situation and feelings.  Even more than that we are here to help you find ways for a better life for yourself and your daughter. 

From what you wrote it appears you are looking for ways to help your daughter without enabling her... .particularly supporting her in finding work so that she can take steps towards becoming less financially dependent upon you.  Sometimes when we are making suggestions it is helpful if we understand the most effective communication skills to use.

Have you studied validation skills yet?  There are some good tools to the right of the page that teach validation skills.  I would also suggest from the Recommended Reading list this book I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better by Gary and Joy Lundberg.  It is highly recommended here on the site particularly for learning the ins and out of validation and what the benefit's are. 

If you are in need of help understanding the disorder, BPD, this resource is at the top of our must have list Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning PhD.

I think that you will find that effective communication skills, like validation and S.E.T will improve how you feel about self and interactions with daughter, and your relationship with daughter.

Let us know how else we can help you and support you. 

lbj