Has he changed and what does that look like for people with BPD

[Bloomer]

I am currently separated from my H, at my request and against his request not to. It is just under a week since  I moved out. So far I don't feel like I miss him. Sometimes I miss the good things but it's been so long since we really enjoyed each other's company that even those moments are rare. I feel less stressed, angry, upset and I am noticing how much easier it is for me to work on my own stuff, being more mindful of others and using CBT skills to handle anxiety/self-esteem issues.

We are going to MC on Saturday with his therapist. We've seen her together before. She specializes in BPD and also leads his group DBT group. She tries her best to "mediate" therapy sessions but thus far they've mostly been pretty explosive, possibly because we only go together when things are really bad. I have mixed feelings about MC. I feel like I'm mostly leaning towards leaving because in recognizing my own issues and why I accepted this behavior for so long without leaving, I have realized that it's impossible for me to address my own issues while in such a stressful environment. I need the space to work on these things without either being triggered by H or dealing with him being triggered, which aside from the stress it causes also uses up a lot of time. I've realized that my days feel longer lately simply because I'm not spending any time fighting with anyone.

H keeps saying that he's improved so much and he feels so much better and everyone else in his life sees it but me. I have seen some improvement (considering summer 2014 was so awful) but not enough that I feel at ease around him. While I can forgive him for things because I understand he has a mental illness and I don't think he's a bad person, how do I simply unlearn so many behaviors? I have tried to tell him that I have become conditioned by nearly 3 years of experiencing his rage when triggered. I changed behaviors. I read books and articles to change some of these behaviors. And while I would love to not feel like someone might attack me at any second when I'm around him, I don't know how to retrain my brain. I should note that when I really put the effort in to be light and happy around him, it usually isn't long before he ends up dysregulating. Now he says it's because of my anger, before it was some other reason. So we are in that push-pull dynamic, which he doesn't believe exists.

I really love him and we share the same sort of ethos in life. However, I don't feel convinced that he has changed as much as he'd like me to believe because just 4 weeks ago he was suicidal and raging all over the place. I don't see how he could magically be so happy in that period of time. How do I address this? What can I do to ensure that if he has made these grand strides that I'm seeing them? I know he doesn't want to be separated for long but I don't know how else I'll heal. I am determined not to live in such a stressful environment my whole life. I just don't think anyone is worth sacrificing my well-being for. At one time, I would have done anything for him and this marriage but I've learned that comes at a price. How can I tell if he's on his way to recovery? Or even how long that typically takes? He keeps telling me he wasn't ready to make things better when I was. I've told him I'm burned out now. I also hear a lot of bargaining happening. I feel like he's been saying a lot of manipulative things to me. That doesn't show me he's changed. He also raged over me leaving, among other things, then regretting it later. He's still not in control and I know me leaving is a big trigger but am I wrong to think that if he's really so improved that he should have handled it better?

[sweetheart]

Hello Bloomer,

I do not believe it is possible for any significant change to have taken place for your h within a week other than you are not there to trigger him. Remember this is an attachment disorder at its core. So by removing the trigger, you, things will calm down for him for now.

Improvement for a pwBPD can take a long time for those committed to T and there are no guarantees.

If it were me I would spend time exploring the issues that caused you to separate in MC, a safe neutral space. If your h cannot manage this it's sounds very much like you are ready to work on yourself. By working on yourself first this will help you make informed, wiser decisions about whether or not you are ready to return to your marriage.

[Bloomer]

Sorry, I should have clarified. I don't mean changes he's made in a week. He has been talking about the changes he's made since he started his DBT group therapy around September. While I have seen some progress, we have not at any point been able to get out of the push-pull dynamic (yes I realize part of that is me but even when I stopped, he started, hence push-pull). As you know based on my other post about radical acceptance, I am trying to work on my part of things and consider all angles.

I just keep coming back to the big question: Do I want to be married to H AS IS? Not future H, or potentially calmer H but H today. I go back and forth on this because obviously we have lots of other things that brought us together. Ultimately I don't know if I can or want to accept his behavior/ignore it so that I can live a normal life, whether he's capable of taking part in that at all times or not. I don't know that this sounds like a healthy relationship model to me. I mean, sure, that's the healthy way for me to approach it if I'm going to stay. But is that really a healthy/happy way to have a long-term relationship? If I'm going to live my own life regardless of what he's doing, I am not sure what my motivation to stay is.  I'm happy to meet my own needs but I am missing the point of a relationship where I stop expecting things from my partner. Maybe you can share your experience since you've wrapped your head around staying?