"Taming the Lions" of Resentment / Anger/Fear

[Middleagemom]

Thank you to those who responded to my earlier post.  I am indeed looking through the resources, older posts and discussions to gather information and thoughts regarding how to deal with a troubled SD.  Coupled with other research I'm doing on teenagers, I'm amassing a fairly good resource centre.  I wish I could do all of this together with my partner but acknowledge he's in a different place as a biological parent.  He's been battered about by social services, SD, her mother and has used what tools he has available to cope but I recognize he simply wants this problem to go away.  I've witnessed him crying on many occasions, sleepless nights and his own anger and helplessness.  I will let him come to me if he needs anything.  My dilemma is that I need to address my current state and I can't work through this with my partner and cause more pain.

BTW - I discovered other missing items yesterday.  Nothing of monetary or sentimental value but makeup, again out of our bedroom, off my dresser.  All my belongings that I think may be targeted are now hidden, very disturbing not to be able to put your hand to things where they are most convenient but... .oh well.

My issue is ANGER and RESENTMENT.  I'm reading about self-awareness and it's very helpful.  It makes perfect sense that the anger is understandable but must be finite, otherwise, it ends up eroding what is valuable to you and doesn't change anything.  If I'm pi$$ed off, then it's up to me to process it so I doesn't fester and create other issues.  So, away I go addressing these inner feelings of mine, but the irony is that I'm irked that I have to do this emotional work as well.  I didn't create this situation, didn't steal from or hurt anyone, didn't practice denial and avoidance, yet I'm the one who needs to fix MY problem with it all.

 

I once heard a saying "Fair?... .that's where you eat cotton candy and ride the merry go round.  It has nothing to do with life".  No, it doesn't - lesson learned long ago.  I also have taken great pains in learning not to be around toxic or troubled people.  However, sometimes we have no choice or... .the choices we do have are hard ones.  My partner asked me during the pre-Christmas fiasco (with tears in his eyes) to stand by him while he dealt with his troubled girl.  I told him I would.  I said I worried what might happen to our relationship if things got too bad, that as someone who raised her children as a single parent I understood your kids have to come first and I would never put him in a position where he had to choose one or the other.  I haven't and I won't.

But... I worry that SD might be setting that up in her own way.  I have to let my fear of that possibility go and take the means of doing this out of her hands.  She might not truly realize the consequences if she succeeds but that won't change anything she does in the meantime.

I resent having to do this emotional work (again, as I had another BPD in my life) instead of focusing energy on my new career path, but realize I will be better and stronger for it.  I am angry at all the hurt and upheaval that gets created so someone can get their needs met (without even knowing consciously what they are).  I am also AFRAID as I know this is not the end and shudder to think what the next thing will be (walking on eggshells, if you please).

How do you folks process the anger portion of your relationship with the child / step-child in your life?  Is this common?  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Excellent post Middleagemom!

Being self aware is the first and most important step towards moving forward from where you are to where you want to be.

The anger stage is a normal stage in this process.  Maybe more so for a step parent than a bio parent... though not always.  Anger has an important purpose in the journey you are on.  Anger is a feeling, once identified, that signals us to make decisions. Anger is a very energetic emotion that can empower us to make those decisions we need to make. 

You mention also in your post "resentment" and being "afraid".  These emotions are also frequent traveling companions with anger.

The times when I experienced anger the most was in the early stages of learning about my daughter's struggles... .when she was having severe emotional dysregulation.  I would respond with concern, then disbelief and confusion and then anger.  Deep within myself I knew (post crisis) it was fear driven anger.  I used that anger energy to educate myself, work on my communication skills so that I had some way to respond positively/healthy to my daughter... .it was empowering for me.  When I became empowered I moved from feeling helpless to hopeful.  I absolutely detested feeling helpless!  Feeling helpless caused me to feel angry and I began to feel like a victim.  Since I don't "do victim". I took charge!  That is how I used my anger constructively.

Sounds like you are on your way of taking charge of yourself too!

lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi Middleagemom,

Underneath anger are often very powerful and uncomfortable feelings that no one wants to admit to, much less feel. It's much more comfortable to avoid feeling those feelings, but they won't go away. I think anger turns to depression if they are ignored or avoided, or if anger becomes the de facto feeling for too long. It's brave and true to put a name to how you're feeling. In my experience, this is often followed by a break through of some kind.

Venting is important because you can say the taboo things, or at least hint at them, and perhaps you will at some point give yourself permission to feel what is fueling the anger. It's also possible that your H's feelings of helplessness and avoidance, and his grief, shifts responsibility to hold it together on your shoulders. It's ok to let that go. You may be taking on more of his feelings than you can, or should.

In a mindfulness class I'm taking, the instructor talks about the big sky of the mind, and letting slide by the clouds that are our thoughts. It's a metaphor that helps me when I'm feeling my emotions churn in response to something I have no control over, and can't fix even if I tried.

[eyvindr]

Great insights everyone. Very insightful and thought-provoking post, MAM.

Yes, livednlearned -- beyond all of those clouds, the clear sky blue sky is still there. You are right. And right about anger, too, I think.

[Thursday]

Hi Middle-

I have read your other post and I can relate to many of your feelings and concerns.

I too am step-mom and got started with my BPDSD23 and my DH when she was 14. It is a tough, tough arena in which to begin a relationship.

I understand the concern you feel for your husband. I felt the same way. To a very large extent my DH had trouble "seeing" her developing maladjusted behavior and when he could recognize it he felt guilty and responsible. When she started stealing his manner of dealing with it was very curious to me and as it progressed his denial of what was certainly easy to see was confounding to me. I do feel, however, if was important for me to present him with my own suspicions and facts. This is a very tenuous dynamic- one that negatively affected our relationship but we worked hard to get through it and I can say now, we have.

As a step-parent you sit in a position of influence. I have, for the most part, been able to "see" my SD without the rose-colored glasses of a bio-parent. She understands that there is rarely any success in trying to pull wool over my eyes. Therefore she both is irritated by my presence but also respects me. We have had a few "come to Jesus" moments where I've actually gotten through to her and she can't ignore the revelations from those moments.

My DH loves his daughter, his only child. He loves me too. At the worst of his enabling behavior I feared that he might enable her right out of our relationship but this never happened. Deeply he understood that enabling her was a stop-gap behavior that ultimately wouldn't help her. He also has a need to have his OWN life and he wanted me in it. I feel like your partner knows this too. Patience is so important.

Read the tools to the right, read stuff here and give alanon a try (if nobody else has suggested it. We started going to alanon before addiction was a problem and it helped us to understand that WE could not make everything all better and it helped my husband to have someone other than me suggest that he was looking at things with his eyes closed... .

BTW- putting a locking door-knob on your bedroom door is easy- just follow the directions on the package. Gave me a sense of accomplishment when I learned how to do this. Sure, remembering where your purse is all the time isn't easy and if you have household items that have to be left in place don't be surprised when they go missing too but when you have a lock on the bedroom door you do have a safe place to call your own.

I did a lot of snooping in SD's room. Her Dad needed proof in order to take action an SD clearly needed some structure and to have rules presented as a value system for our family.

We had a spy thing on her computer. I emailed with her teachers on a weekly basis after hours of meetings with them at school. We had rules for SD about the cell phone but certainly she got away with some very poor behavior as a result of the internet connection on her cell phone before we took that away. There was a dress code and a curfew and (most importantly for us) a bed-time. We controlled what we could because there was so much we couldn't.

I didn't feel very comfortable with any of it AND felt like it wasted a lot of my time but it slowed her down and established that respect relationship that we now have- we have a good relationship now. I like her now!

As for your anger and fear- I went to therapy for myself with a councilor who knew SD's history (he had been our family therapist at one point) and he led me to reading about BPD and here. And it helped me to not feel so angry and afraid. I can't say I successfully avoided either of these things but the intensity was diminished. Learning tools for coping with SD and her behavior certainly helped me combat the anger and fear. At first I would ask myself- why oh why does she act this way? but once I understood her mind-set, her defenses, her dysfunctional coping skills I could be less angry and more empathetic. Empathy feels so much better than being POed all the time.

So does a lock.

Thursday

[Middleagemom]

Thank you all very much for your feedback.  You articulated a great deal of what has been going on in my head - the concern, confusion, disbelief are all "in bed" with the anger.  I, too, hate feeling like "a victim".  I also see that there are indeed "taboo things" lurking around in my mind which, if they came out, would most definitely change the playing field around here.

There is much in my own history that invokes the fear - will not blather away about it right now as the focus here is on children and family.  

Thursday, I really appreciate hearing part of your story with your H and SD, I can see a lot of similarities.  My daughter wants a lock on her door and I do think this is the best idea.  I think a lock on our room is needed, too.  I also loathe the idea of locks, specifically because trying to navigate around a household with restricted access points when you're attending to domestic tasks is a pain, but that is the position we are in.  I do get that BPD's feel uneasy and they don't exist well in an environment of stability because it underscores their own insecurities.  My second husband (thankfully NOT the children's father), who was udBPD and suspected Bipolar, would actively LOOK for trouble if things were running smoothly.  The fights would go on for days, "we" (the kids and I) were always guilty of some horrible transgression against him and there were constant demands we apologize to him.  

The marriage didn't last long... .I recognize the mistakes I made in choosing him as a partner (as is typical, was at a vulnerable point in my life), and vowed never to repeat them. My current partner is everything my ex-H was not, genuinely good-hearted, non-judgemental, flexible.  His daughter's mother is a mess of a person and I KNOW his biggest fear for his child is that she is following in her mother's footsteps.  They parted ways when SD was a year old but my partner has always been present in her life and parented as actively as he could.  H had a difficult time dealing with his D's mother in the past (she would bait him and he took it and then the fights would start) but is much better at communicating objectively with her now and only about parenting as it pertains to their child.  We traded notes with regards to dealing with troubled people and he put up personal boundaries with the mother of his child he previously didn't have and they have WORKED.  

I believe that, in the beginning, it was logical (and easier) for my partner, along with family and friends close to he and his daughter, to chalk up some of the behviours they saw manifesting to her mother's par

enting and dysfunctional life patterns. Since he got physical custody 2yrs ago, he has done everything he could think of to help her live a better life - enroll her in activities, take an interested parental role in her school and monitor her marks, instill curfews, just be PRESENT in her life and for a while there was progress.  However, without getting into the nature vs nuture debate, it has only worked to a degree and we have witnessed a recurrence of cycles that I think have always been at work, unfortunately enhanced by adolescence and it's accompanying circus.  I've actually had to get others, not just my partner, to refocus on what SD does is of her own free will and not to assign responsibility to her mother as "puppetmaster".  That's going down a very dangerous road to not acknowledge reality (as Thursday mentioned).  

Much to say but I've rambled on enough   

[livednlearned]

This:

I also see that there are indeed "taboo things" lurking around in my mind which, if they came out, would most definitely change the playing field around here.

is probably very entwined with this:

There is much in my own history that invokes the fear

Discussing taboo level feelings can be devastating to a relationship, like you pointed out, but to a therapist, not so much   Acknowledging feelings and venting them (in a safe forum), is healthy. Being careful with those feelings is also healthy, especially about when and if you share them. A lot of emotionally healthy behavior is learning to respond vs. react to strong feelings.

I've had to learn this with my son. He is so vigilant about my feelings, so I can't just vent about things without creating a ripple effect that turns into a tidal wave. So I've had to learn to find places where I can vent my feelings, and even deeper work where I grieve things that are older than current hurts. That helps me figure out what is fueling the feelings, where they come from, and why they have so much power. And then I come up with a plan to handle what usually turns out to be a boundary issue, except it feels more manageable because I somehow neutralized the feelings.

Not that I have this down pat  

Still a beginner.