Crying

[heronbird]

 

My daughter is in a specialist BPD unit doing intensive DBT. Its been really helpful, she has been there for a year.

The last 4 months she has been in such a good place, I cant believe it, its like having the daughter I never had. She is showing how intelligent she is, she is wise and kind. She is happy and making brilliant choices.

We went to town one day and had afternoon tea in a very posh shop, then afterwards we had such a silly laugh walking through the streets and looking at things, we never laughed so much. She said she had missed out on all this when she was growing up because she was so ill.

Anyway, last Sunday, for no reason she just started feeling really bad, as in depressed, since then she has been crying for about 5 hours every day in her unit. They have been lovely to her and trying to help her.

Tonight she got worse, she rang me and I actually couldn't understand her she was hysterical. Saying she cant cope with this anymore and its getting worse. I tried my hardest to help her, but I felt useless.

She was actually a lot better after about an hour.

I cant make head nor tail of it. Why did it just start up, last Sunday, why is she so bad all week. She is on two different types of anti depressants.

She was frustrated today because her key nurse was not helpful she said. She told the nurse that she was so unhelpful and she cant be DBT trained because she is useless at helping her.

Isnt it horrible, she has done DBT for a year now, she is in a specialist unit that is really catering for her needs so much, she would never get better than that. She was so happy a week ago, this has gone on for a long time now for her, it must be so tiring.

Why do you think it comes and goes. She has not done this for years, she used to be like this at school, crying every day nearly all day long then she hated herself because she was a cry baby, she used to say.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello heronbird!

So good to learn your d is intensive treatment and sorry that she is in emotional pain right now.

Did something happen to initiate this?  Perhaps someone said something? 

Also I wonder if it is her internal thoughts... .remember when we first came and read the info from Gunderson?  How pwBPD are often times fearful of their successes.  How it can be so scary for them because they are afraid of disappointing themselves and others eventually?  The stress of the loss of success may be too much for her.

Do you think perhaps one of these is the cause?

lbj

[qcarolr]

Hi Heronbird,

This is such a painful time in parenting and loving our BPD kids.  A break like this seems to make no sense at all. To us as parents, and to our struggling child. It is especially hard to think through after such a long stable period. Lbj offers a couple of good thing to consider.

First try to remember that she is in a safe place with good support and caring people. She has learned from her year in DBT even if the tools are not accessible right now in her distressed state. She does seem to have some self-awareness on her feeling depressed. One thought that comes to mind is whether there could be any kind of "anniversary" event from her past that is triggering this reaction? The reaction is such an old pattern - the crying and hopeless feelings.

How is the situation with her child? Still living with the dad and his family giving support to them?

I will keep both of you in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for reaching out to us -- we are still here for you.

qcr

[Eggdad]

Hi Heronbird,

It is heartbreaking to see our dd relapsing when things are going so well. It makes us feel as if all that hard work was for nothing and that they will never really be better. My dd22 has relapsed a few times but she has always bounced back. In the past 2 years she has dumped 3 therapists and was kicked out of group DBT. She tells me that despite these conflicts with therapists,  each have one has helped her get better. The forward progress is not lost when there is a relapse.

One frequent reason for pwBPD relapsing is, ironically, getting better. They may feel that getting better will result in them getting less support from therapy team,  parents or loved ones. This will trigger their fear of abandonment and result in them going back to their old coping mechanisms.  Crying and becoming helpless victims is one such mechanism.

When my dd relapsed like this it helped when we used validation and reassurance. "i know you have worked really hard to get better and it takes all you have to keep working at it. It must be frustrating and scary to relapse like this, but let me reassure you that your efforts have paid off.   When I look at you today and remember how you were before I can assure you that your hard work has really paid off. Your crisis are far less frequent,  less intense and you recover from them faster. I know that your struggle is not over and I know you are doing the best you can. I will always be there for you. I am confident that you will keep getting better at your own pace. "

This is a temporary and normal setback, there will be others in the future. There will also be many more silly laughing afternoons.

[heronbird]

Hi,

Thank you for your support.

She had this big big melt down as I said, and I felt useless, I tried all the tools I learnt over the years. She was still hysterical.

What was so frustrating for me, I rang the unit and spoke to her key nurse, well, Im sure she wasn't speaking English, she had the biggest strongest accent Ive ever heard. This is a private unit and it is unacceptable but what can I do  

I told her I was worried about my dd, she said she had been trying to help her, I told her that she says no one is helping her, the nurse said oh yes we are, we are trying to do everything with her. Really, if my dd is saying they are not helping her, then maybe they need to listen to her.

In the end my dd got so frustrated with this nurse, she told her off, she said you are supposed to be DBT trained and you know nothing. Bit rude really but true I suppose. We are always scared to say anything or come across as being rude.

They are teaching her to be assertive I suppose.

After the big breakdown she all of a sudden is better, yep, shes back. I had a wonderful chat with her yesterday and she is so lovely. Im seeing this pattern, something makes her depressed, she cries for a long time, maybe a week, then she gets to a point she cant cope then just when you think it couldn't get worse, it passes. So strange really.

There could be many reasons why this happened, but I learnt years ago not to ask myself why. She said the clinicians really want to know why so that they can help her in the future. They also seem surprised this happened for no real reason. They thought she had taken drugs.

She has not taken any drugs, drink or self harmed in over a year.

Actually she said, she felt like self harming last week, but she thought  whats the point it wont help. That's good isn't it.

This unit has been brilliant. I do with the staff spoke English, im not good with accents. Funny really as my mum and dad have strong accents.

Qcarolr

The dad has the baby, hes mean and nasty (surprise surprise) He moved away about 6 months ago. So the hospital took her down there every two weeks at the cost of £1000 each month and a nurse with her.

We finally had a court case in January, we hired a brilliant barrister who got my daughter more rights, then a few weeks later the dad offered to bring the toddler to our house so he can see his mum here with me. So after looking after him for 6 months of his life, I then didn't see him for a whole 6 months. So this was new, I saw him for the first time about 4 weeks ago. The mean dad didn't bother to tell anyone that he has moved back here and that's why hes bringing the baby here. Its all a complicated nightmare as you will understand.

Now I see him every two weeks, my dd is here too. Its tough, she is on edge and quite rude to me. I must have some BPD traits  because if hurts me a lot, it feels like really painful.  I

I did speak to her yesterday, and I told her, she said she knows, but she worries about me, thinks I might think her baby is being naughty when he isn't. (he is) but I try to leave her to it. Its all so difficult, and a learning process.

Hes a cute looking baby, and very cuddley and smiles a lot. He favours his granddad. He has more time for him than me. I have to detach myself. Also, my dd seems more jealous when I have the baby for a quick cuddle. She seems to love it when he goes to granddad. So I back right off.

In fact I went upstairs and lay on my bed with my two love of my lifes, my cats.

Sorry its been a long post, well, there is always so much going on isn't there.

[Eggdad]

"Actually she said, she felt like self harming last week, but she thought  whats the point it wont help. That's good isn't it."

It's great Heronbird. It shows that she is able to stay in contact with her wise mind even in the middle of a stressful situation. If shows how much she has progressed in the past year and that her efforts are paying off.

[Teresa Lynne]

Hi There,

One thing I want you to be aware of as a possibility is that sometimes she may just be pretending that she is ok so it's totally surprising when there is a seemingly quick shift.  She could be at 80% stress level, holding things back and one trigger could push her over the edge.  I love the fact that you believe her because that will help her trust her own voice, a major component in healing.  No matter what, keep doing that, even when you don't know what to believe. She needs that from you. It's her experience.

Just remember, this is a marathon, not a race and recovery does not look like a steady incline but a maze.  Her little victories are to be celebrated and her setbacks expected.  It's important that you stay on the facility and empower yourself to question what is happening.  They work for YOU and your daughter.  Never forget that.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and helping others know they are not alone.  You are a courageous and loving mother.

[heronbird]

Oh wow, thank you, that's so helpful and encouraging. Yes, its true, now I think of it, she wasn't really ok before this, I could tell she was down, but kept saying she was fine.

You know what, she does not even realise it I think.