Looking for a bit of support

[Moselle]

I have a heavy load to bear.

Trying to hold down a new job.

I've got the court date for primary care of the children this week

Social services gets involved thereafter.

I'm not getting any access to the children.

How do I get through all of this, KEEP CALM, and maintain my energy levels?

I'm breaking things down into bite size chunks. 

Today -preparation for court. Printing out emails etc. Getting my documentation lined up.

Writing a letter to friends and family today to reject and disagree with the distortion campaign

Planning my week meticulously allowing for exercise, enjoyment and rest.

Finding a place to stay. I let the children back into the home as they were sleeping on the floor at someone else's house with W.

[enlighten me]

Sometimes all we can do is battle through and hope it gets easier. One thing I found is that sometimes you dont have to work your arse off to the same results. Sometimes by takung a more relaxed approach you get to the same place with a lot less stress.

[ogopogodude]

Go to her physician (as a "guest patient" as you are allowed to do this (at least in the province of BC, Canada) and divulge ALL that you have experienced.  The physician MUST hear you out and hear your story (as "a physician is obligated to take in collateral information from all sources, in the best interest of her patient" ---> words paraphrased by a psychiatrist that I obtained advice). Tell that physician that you think that your ex is mentally ill ie. BPD. 

This is what I did.

And if her physician is also the children's physician, ... .ALL THE BETTER.

This doctor MUST act in the best interest of the children. At all times.

Whenever my ex visits her physician whatever comes out of her pie-hole is of very questionable nature and her own doctor simply doesn't believe her. 

If any medical reports are ever demanded by the judge and they can be as long as parties agree to this (due to medical confidentiality) then your ex can screw her own self, with damaging reports from her own doctor ... .

[sweetheart]

Moselle that is really excellent advice from ogopogodude.

I did this when my h was at his worst and his mental health team were dragging their heels. We have a s6 and ogo is right they have to listen and place the well being/safety of the child/children as an absolute priority.

For us as a family it met a visit and a detailed assessment from SS Child and Family Team but it didn't matter to me because I knew our son was ok. It was my h who wasn't ok and shortly after this he was detained in a psychiatric facility.

I know your wife is high functioning, but if you are going for primary care of your children and from what you have posted they are exposed to her dysregulations then this route is something else that you could use to your advantage.

Thinking of you and your children Moselle and sending you virtual hugs and support.  

Take good care of yourself.

[livednlearned]

Really good question Moselle.

It is a heavy load to bear. It's crunch time, you're being squeezed from all sides. These are high-stakes things you're dealing with, and a lot of unknowns.

You were on the Staying board for a while, and probably know as good as anyone how important it is to respond vs. react, and probably the "wise mind" side of dealing with conflict. I think I see signs in the bite-size chunks approach. Did any of the mindfulness stuff resonate with you? Now that your conflict has moved out, is there more peace and calm? How are you adjusting to that?

Everything you list is very matter-of-fact.

How are you feeling about all of these chunks?

This is not just about the legal case. It's about you, and how you're going to change as you transition through to the other side. It's ok to lean into it and feel it. This is part of recovery. 

[ImaFita]

I have a heavy load to bear.

Trying to hold down a new job.

I've got the court date for primary care of the children this week

Social services gets involved thereafter.

I'm not getting any access to the children.

How do I get through all of this, KEEP CALM, and maintain my energy levels?

I'm breaking things down into bite size chunks. 

Today -preparation for court. Printing out emails etc. Getting my documentation lined up.

Writing a letter to friends and family today to reject and disagree with the distortion campaign

Planning my week meticulously allowing for exercise, enjoyment and rest.

Finding a place to stay. I let the children back into the home as they were sleeping on the floor at someone else's house with W.

I always wondered how people were calm and patient. I used to be able to keep reasonably calm, but I'd get depressed, frustrated - and then my life would take a toll, I couldn't focus or concentrate on anything. I know a couple of my close friends going through custody battles at the moment and they are both struggling to keep things together.

A lot of wiser heads on this site are like pro's at being patient, If it is a learned skill, it is one I never truly mastered myself.

So you aren't on your own in wondering how others keep calm.

[ForeverDad]

Recovery is a process, not an event.

The first year or so of separation and starting divorce (2005-2006) I lived in fear that somehow one of my ex's allegations would put me in an orange jumpsuit For the next several years I was always on edge and defensive since my ex was always so entitled as Mother.  Didn't even stop when I got custody (2011).  It was only when I got majority time during the school year (2013) that her entitlement mostly dissipated.  So though I progressively felt better over time, it took some 8 years or so before I stopped looking over my shoulder.

I feel I'm still impacted, but now I'm dealing with mostly my issues rather than the 'spouse' issues.

[Grey Kitty]

  I hope you are moving forward with all the things you need to do and are taking good care of yourself.

I re-read your list and wondered about this one... .

Writing a letter to friends and family today to reject and disagree with the distortion campaign

If you haven't sent any such letter yet, it might not help you to send it out.

There probably are conversations you want to have with people you care about most, but they might be better to do in person or on the phone.

Remember that among your mutual friends and family, the wiser and healthier people will probably take break-up stories from one side with a grain of salt. Perhaps some of them have seen enough of your wife's behavior to know how much salt she usually requires .

What I've heard on this board as a big chunk of your legal strategy: Focus your energy on taking care of the kids and making a good life for yourself which includes them... .will play very well with other people in your life too. People notice actions and efforts, and give them more weight than words.

... .and just so you know... .

How do I get through all of this, KEEP CALM, and maintain my energy levels?

You won't be calm all the time. Welcome to the emotional roller coaster that is your own feelings. You don't have to act every one of them out, but if you can feel them when they come up, it will help.

[Moselle]

Recovery is a process, not an event.

it took some 8 years or so before I stopped looking over my shoulder.

I feel I'm still impacted, but now I'm dealing with mostly my issues rather than the 'spouse' issues.

Wow, this is a real challenge. I thought the last 18 months trying to save the marriage was a marathon. To feel I'm only at the starting blocks now? I'm not sure how to face that.

[Moselle]

 I hope you are moving forward with all the things you need to do and are taking good care of yourself.

I'm trying GK. She has the upper foot I'm afraid. She caught me at at a time when I'm having to travel alot for work. She was very clever in terms of timing.

[Grey Kitty]

Wow, this is a real challenge. I thought the last 18 months trying to save the marriage was a marathon. To feel I'm only at the starting blocks now? I'm not sure how to face that.

The distance you now see ahead of you doesn't change how far you've come.

Everything you learned about yourself in the last 18 months working to save the marriage is still with you and will be incredibly valuable for you in these next phases!

Not sure I have my history right, but I think that ForeverDad is one of the members who didn't find these boards and these tools until mid-divorce... .in some ways he was 18 powerful months of learning behind you when he was at this "starting line."

 Hang in there--you know what matters to you (your kids!) and will do what it takes for them.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, I was already separated, temp protected and contemplating divorce before I found peer support.

• 1991 - told she was 'high maintenance'; sometimes I would see 'stars' at night.



• 1995 - her periodic rages - which I attributed to rage from prior child abuse - started to include cursing



• 1997 - conflict with her co-workers



• 1998 - due to overall increasing issues we stopped religious volunteer work (me since 1974, her since our marriage in 1990)



• 2001 - mistakenly thought she would feel better if we had a child, I was clueless and didn't realize having children didn't fix a troubled relationship, it just makes it vastly more complicated



• 2002 - I became secondary to 'her' child, intimacy increasingly rare, rants and rages getting worse



• 2004 - increasing suspicions/conflict with our friends and family, most driven away, effectively isolating us

• 2005 - with her targets now gone, spouse directs her paranoid suspicions at me, I'm feeling increasingly scared, I look for ways to document and record, finally admitting to myself that I can't manage the ever-increasing problems within our marriage

• 2005 April - start calling CPS, I was told son's exposure to her rages directed at me 'not actionable, call back if she rages at son'



• 2005 May - tried to get marital counseling, she refused, counselor was clueless



• 2005 Aug - Desperate, I tried to get local university hospital to do a home visit, first time I heard about 'personality dysfunctions' and conclude she is evidently (1) Paranoid {100%}, (2) Borderline {mostly}, (3) Narcissistic {entitled traits}.



• 2005 Oct - hear death threats, I call police, son probably saves me from being carted off or arrested; we separate that week when I get a protection order



• 2005 Dec - Find bpdfamily, I lurk, too scared to register



• 2006 Jan - finally register and post

[formflier]

 

Moselle,

Grey is right... .your training and education from staying have set you up well to navigate the waters of of high conflict divorce.

You know the "enemy"... .basically... realize what you are dealing with.

What did you do about the letter for the distortion campaign.

If I understand Grey correctly... .he was suggesting you hold off on sending letter... I agree.

Might be good to write letter to yourself... .I do that to straighten things out.  Sometimes things make more sense to me written down.

 

Hang in there!

[Moselle]

I hand delivered the letter to those in close proximity. I considered emailing it, but decided against it. It was my assertive step, I chose to do it and I believe it was the right thing to do. She then knew I had decided divorce too, very publically.  It set up a very positive mediation session about the custody issues and she went from refusing me access at all to making supper at our home on Tuesdays and Thursdays, then leaving for three hours whilst I do homework with the children etc and put them down.

She also backs down when I take a stand on something. She's been trying to bully me into paying her things. I say no and repeat it. She is getting conditioned to know that if I want something I eventually get it. And if I don't want to do something I never do. if i need to I'll go to court. It's very important that it becomes a pattern for post divorce management.

[Moselle]

I've been very absent the last few weeks in so many ways. Thanks for your support all. I finally found a place to stay afer staying in hotels and B&B's for the last 5 weeks.

It's a milestone on the journey. I've been away from my protagonist for those 5 weeks and I feel somewhat lighter for the absence. The big concern Is that my 10 year old has apparently taken over the caretaker role of my wife. Comforting her when she's insecure. Caressing her... .:-( And she is desperately unhappy.

[Grey Kitty]

Uhg about the 10-year-old. Any chance you can get the kids into some therapy?