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Author Topic: She contacted me after 3 months  (Read 5101 times)
CloseToFreedom
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« on: February 28, 2015, 08:45:42 AM »

What the hell... .3 months ago we broke up (10th time in 4,5 years, but I'm done recycling) and while we had contact in the first weeks (with me trying to fix it, and her spitting venom on how 'bad' I was and how I made her 10 years older... .sure), we haven't had contact in 2 months or so. Sure, we bump into each other at the same parties and pubs, but we don't talk to each other.

I'm working hard on getting out of the darkness I was left in, I'm on anti depressives and in therapy to get over the depression and after that to work on my co-dependency issues. I even am away from work for a month or so to really work on myself, take small steps. I make lists every day of what I'm going to do, like cook, clean the house, walk around the neighboorhood, stuff like that, stuff you do when you are trying to beat the depression.

And so far, its going better and better. Last night I had a difficult night though, can't explain why. Some nights I miss her more than others I guess. And what do you know, like they freakin' KNOW it or something, this morning I have an email from my ex.

It was a very straigforward, small email where she asked if I had received mail at my house for her. As we lived together last year. Why would she even ask that? She moved out 3 months ago, the first few weeks there came some mail for her and I have given that to her, but 3 months after? Of course there is no mail for you here!

I fail to see the point in emailing me this question. We're totally NC, she has a replacement, she even has me blocked and deleted my phone number. So leave me the hell alone will you! This really makes my blood boil, which perhaps is what she wants to accomplish here. I decided to not mail anything back. Nothing. Complete silence.

Anyone wants to chip in here to make me feel a bit better? It's crazy how a drop of contact can still have such an effect on me.
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downwhim
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« Reply #1 on: February 28, 2015, 08:57:36 AM »

Well, maybe she was expecting something in the mail and had not received it. Don't read too much into he email. Your progressing and working hard at getting over this hard b/u. Continue on as if it didn't matter.

I know it burns us when we think their life is all perfect with the replacement and all. Why any contact at all? But, you need to be strong. Your doing all the right things to get healthy.

Don't let this one little set back pull you down... .Stay N/C and ignore her. If you had mail you would forward it like a normal person. 
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #2 on: February 28, 2015, 09:01:27 AM »

Yeah, could be, but three months after? Why would I still get mail adressed to her? Anyway, yeah if I'd get something I'd send it to her parents (as I don't have her new adress and I want to keep it that way). But I sure as hell ain't going to answer her email. No contact is no contact. I'm staying strong.
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Suzn
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« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2015, 10:02:23 AM »

Good for you! Can you see this as breaking a pattern on your part? Feeling a need to respond is part of our behavior patterns, a lot of us anyway, and you stopped it in it's tracks. Well done.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2015, 10:11:21 AM »

Yeah, not replying is def. changing a pattern for me. But I can't ignore that the mail stirs something up in me, or else I wouldn't have made this topic. Perhaps I read too much into it, like downwhim says. Even if its innocent, I hate that it stirs something up in me.

Still, the fact that I'm keeping NC makes me feel better, and stronger. Keeping it up!
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downwhim
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« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2015, 10:28:52 AM »

I know, it is the fact that they stir something up in us! Staying N/C and ignoring her email is so very hard. They trigger us and we want to respond.
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« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2015, 10:38:26 AM »

I would say it's about control, it was for me. It felt intrusive when I told my ex to go away and leave me alone and she would find a way to initiate contact. It's the crossing of a boundary we put in place for ourselves so we can heal and of course they don't respect, nor understand, how inappropriate it is to cross that line.

It's a difficult lesson to grasp that we have no control over other people's behaviours. We can only take steps to protect our boundaries the best we can. I marked all my ex's email addresses as spam so they went directly to the trash bin and I didn't go looking in there to see if she once again crossed the line. Eventually, the thought of her even attempting was gone.
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apollotech
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« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2015, 11:37:11 AM »

Well, maybe she was expecting something in the mail and had not received it. Don't read too much into he email. Your progressing and working hard at getting over this hard b/u. Continue on as if it didn't matter.

I know it burns us when we think their life is all perfect with the replacement and all. Why any contact at all? But, you need to be strong. Your doing all the right things to get healthy.

Don't let this one little set back pull you down... .Stay N/C and ignore her. If you had mail you would forward it like a normal person. 

I agree with what downwhim said, it sounds like she may have been looking for something in the mail and had not received it. I know that her contacting you, but it is perhaps innocent. Of course, with a pwBPD how would you ever know?

It is a good thing that you are scheduling your day and not leaving your daily activities to chance. Keep yourself occupied.

One thing that I would recommend that you consider is forgiving the woman. I know that may sound utterly ridiculous, but it would free you from her and her transgression(s) against you. Forgiveness is an act that you fully control; it has absolutely nothing to do with her. It empowers you, not her. When you forgive someone it puts that person and their transgression(s) against you BEHIND you. You, likewise, move forward.

Ultimately you are responsible for your actions and your life. I know that you are on a journey to once again regain control of yourself. Freeing yourself physically from her was the first step. Accepting that she has a mental disorder and forgiving her might be your next step to freedom. That is wholly within your control my friend.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2015, 11:44:33 AM »

Imagine you had an accident and had a deep wound on your back that required surgery and stitches.

Now imagine that a friend you hadn't seen in a while came up to you and patted you on the back as he went to shake your hand.

The pain would send you through the roof (and he would profusely apologize, I'm sure).

That's exactly what happened with the email.  She may not have meant a single thing by it, but your wound is so raw and painful that it sent you through the roof.

Understandable - but recognize that you've been triggered, so at this point it's all about you - and about healing your wound.  Don't get lost in trying to figure out why she sent the email - it may be simply face value - she wanted to know if you had any of your mail.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2015, 07:03:30 PM »

Found out I am also unblocked on social media all of a sudden. I still block her though and I aim to keep it that way. A bit too big of a coincidence if you ask me. Im staying out, no doubt in my mind. Ive been through hell the past five years, no way I would want to prolong my pain. Adios, biatch!
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #10 on: March 02, 2015, 10:53:10 AM »

So now she also texted me (even though she was supposed to have deleted my number?) asking if there's mail here for her.

I don't want to answer. I don't want to break no contact. There isn't any mail here for her. It's been three months. Should I just ignore it? I feel kinda bad ignoring her, but I don't want to break NC.  

Edit: and the thing is, when we broke up we agreed that there would be NO direct contact. I had contact with her mom about stuff like the mail coming at my house. If she'd really want to know if there is mail here, she could've just asked her mom to ask me. No direct contact, simple as that.
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Mutt
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« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2015, 10:58:43 AM »

A pwBPD have difficulties with boundaries on themselves and understanding boundaries of others and she'll text if she says she's deleted your number or not. She may be dissociating ( altering reality ) and saying there's mail there for her to get you engaged. If you know there's no mail, that's truth.

I suggest follow your instincts and don't respond, she's texting for a need for her and don't feel bad, it's time to look out for your needs? It gets easier, you need more time behind you.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #12 on: March 02, 2015, 11:06:58 AM »

It DOES get easier now that I'm three months out. A month or so ago I would've responded, no doubt. I would have followed it up with small talk, trying to keep her engaged. I'm not doing that now anymore.

And yes, it is the truth, there's no mail here for her, end of story. If I'd receive mail I'd forward it to her parents house.
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« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2015, 11:18:43 AM »

It DOES get easier now that I'm three months out. A month or so ago I would've responded, no doubt. I would have followed it up with small talk, trying to keep her engaged. I'm not doing that now anymore.

And yes, it is the truth, there's no mail here for her, end of story. If I'd receive mail I'd forward it to her parents house.

Bullet: completed (click to insert in post)

I think it's not so much about not responding and more so about the emotional response it triggers in us. I found dissociation had me doubting my reality and kept me engaged and I felt guilty.

I found what helped me is that it's a behavior that my ex partner exhibits often and frequently, and that she alters reality to match her out of place feelings and often to fulfill her needs at the expense of my needs.

These are her behaviors and not mine, I don't feel bad. It's not something that I can control and I can control my emotional response.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2015, 01:43:42 PM »

And then she called.

Eff that, I'm not answering. Know the boundaries, woman!
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Heldfast
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« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2015, 02:07:53 PM »

Please send some.of that backbone my way. Sounds like you've found the path. Stay on it. Good luck.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #16 on: March 02, 2015, 04:48:01 PM »

Received 4 more calls, ignored them all. Then a text message: "Sight, apparently you can only communicate 'normally' when you are under the influence of drugs and alcohol. It's a shame, but it says enough about you."

The drugs she mentions is when we met each other 5 years ago, I was on some drugs but that is a LONG time ago. And yes, when we bump into each other on parties or in the pub I just say a normal hello. But that doesn't mean I have to pick up the phone, right? It is my RIGHT to stay in NC. All this over a question if I received mail for her? What the hell. Glad I ignored her.
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Trog
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« Reply #17 on: March 02, 2015, 04:52:23 PM »

How condescending! Sorry / that's very invalidating. There's nothing more revolting than being used as old supply by a NPD/BPD - btw any response positive or negative will feed this junkie. Let her stew - you're doing right
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« Reply #18 on: March 02, 2015, 05:01:34 PM »

Received 4 more calls, ignored them all. Then a text message: "Sight, apparently you can only communicate 'normally' when you are under the influence of drugs and alcohol. It's a shame, but it says enough about you."

The drugs she mentions is when we met each other 5 years ago, I was on some drugs but that is a LONG time ago. And yes, when we bump into each other on parties or in the pub I just say a normal hello. But that doesn't mean I have to pick up the phone, right? It is my RIGHT to stay in NC. All this over a question if I received mail for her? What the hell. Glad I ignored her.

It's emotional blackmail.Guilt in ( FOG )

It's not about mail it's about something that's going on with her.

Don't give a response, it'll eventually die off.
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apollotech
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« Reply #19 on: March 02, 2015, 05:12:24 PM »

Received 4 more calls, ignored them all. Then a text message: "Sight, apparently you can only communicate 'normally' when you are under the influence of drugs and alcohol. It's a shame, but it says enough about you."

The drugs she mentions is when we met each other 5 years ago, I was on some drugs but that is a LONG time ago. And yes, when we bump into each other on parties or in the pub I just say a normal hello. But that doesn't mean I have to pick up the phone, right? It is my RIGHT to stay in NC. All this over a question if I received mail for her? What the hell. Glad I ignored her.

It is absolutely your right to respond to her contact or iniate your own contact with her. That curt text was definitely a malicious attempt to guilt/shame/enrage you into a response. Nothing good or caring was conveyed, all negative. I have several on my phone similar to the one you posted.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #20 on: March 02, 2015, 06:24:14 PM »

And don't I know it. In our numerous recycles, if I'd start ignoring her, she'd bring out the hurtful stuff just to get me to reply. In the old days I would have tried and defend myself after that text message, no doubt. But I'm not doing that now. Replying will only give her what she wants.

Goddamn it feels good to hold the power, for a change.
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apollotech
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« Reply #21 on: March 02, 2015, 10:21:06 PM »

And don't I know it. In our numerous recycles, if I'd start ignoring her, she'd bring out the hurtful stuff just to get me to reply. In the old days I would have tried and defend myself after that text message, no doubt. But I'm not doing that now. Replying will only give her what she wants.

Goddamn it feels good to hold the power, for a change.

There you go my friend. YOU are in control. YOU chose. You are correct, YOU have the power. It is very clear in that text that she is attempting to anger you or put you into a defensive position. Great job in keeping yourself under control and not responding!
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #22 on: March 03, 2015, 07:14:20 AM »

Got another call this morning. Left it unanswered, of course.

This is freaking me out. Am i being childish for not replying on her question if there's still mail here? Am I giving her the silent treatment? 
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #23 on: March 03, 2015, 07:55:24 AM »

Got another call this morning. Left it unanswered, of course.

This is freaking me out. Am i being childish for not replying on her question if there's still mail here? Am I giving her the silent treatment?  

Remember what everyone says:  n/c is about YOU and what you need. Put YOUR needs first.

Keeping that in mind, I think you have to decide what's best for YOU.  If you feel that texting a simple answer would stop the calls, and you feel comfortable doing so, a very short reply would be fine. ("None of your mail is here"

If, however, you feel contact will open the floodgates and unsettle you, then remain n/c.

As Mutt always says, take care of you.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #24 on: March 03, 2015, 08:28:59 AM »

Just received a text from her mother asking for the mail, answered politely that there was no mail.

So I guess it was about the mail. Hopefully things will remain silent now.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #25 on: March 03, 2015, 08:45:06 AM »

Just received a text from her mother asking for the mail, answered politely that there was no mail.

So I guess it was about the mail. Hopefully things will remain silent now.

Wow!  You handled it all very well - good for you!

How does it feel to maintain that boundary?  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #26 on: March 03, 2015, 08:47:50 AM »

Nope, no silence: she followed it up with a text message saying that 'its really bad that she had to use her mother to ask for mail. Is that how you act like an adult? But you have shown your true colors. You need to ignore me for mail but you can party and give drinks? Strange logic, CloseToFreedom'

Ignored, once more. Jezus, leave me alone already. The partying and drinks she mentioned was a month ago, as she has taken over part of my friend group and we were all in the same pub. I never talked to her there but we were doing rounds and I was just trying to keep the peace by going along with giving rounds, so I gave her a drink as well. Is that wrong? What the hell.


@jhkbuzz: I thought I handled it well, but thanks to the above message I have doubts again. Was it childish of me? I mean, I was just trying to keep my boundaries. Arg, you just can't win with these people.
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« Reply #27 on: March 03, 2015, 10:14:40 AM »

Adults put in a change of address when they move so that important mail reaches them and they don't involve their parents in their business.

She's mad that you wouldn't answer and whatever she was looking for she didn't get. And that includes a fight from you. Let her throw her little fit, alone, without a response from you and be done with it, let it go.
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« Reply #28 on: March 03, 2015, 10:25:24 AM »

It might be a good idea to block her number now. You're not going to respond so why get annoyed with the messages and calls? Receiving calls, texts and mails are still a reminder of her and they could destroy your inner peace. Take back full power, protect yourself from this nonsense and live you own live without added drama!

You did very well closetofreedom! Excellent job!

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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #29 on: March 03, 2015, 12:24:36 PM »

Man, doing something so good never felt so bad. In one day I got used to the constant calls and the few text messages. Now its silent again. I know that is a good thing! But its still hard. A small setback for sure.
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