Coping with DD return to our home while ill

[qcarolr]

Update on DD28. Her living situation, in a mobile home rented by a friend from the local homeless community, deteriorated into a very unsafe environment. My understanding is the friend became psychotic with bizarre behaviors - rummaging through DD's stuff, unsanitary messiness, inappropriate sexual actions, drugs and had people there with a handgun being fired and knives. No one was injured. DD had been sick a couple days according to her bf. She called for me to take her to urgent care yesterday as she was in a lot of pain. When in the clinic she relaxes a bit and kind of shut down her external signs of pain and could not really describe it to the doctor. He assumed she was there seeking narcotics with a false illness. Like a strained muscle in her shoulder.

She has been moaning on our family room floor - covered in blankets - cold so she can't get warm (no fever). The pain non-narcotic meds and muscle relaxants work, but wear off about an hour before she can take more. She is very irritable and treating her bf badly. He has his own issues and has to back away to take care of himself. I am so grateful that he is here and able to provide care for DD even with her angry behaviors.

I have experienced this push-pull many times with DD when she becomes really dysregulated. I am coming to feel that she is stuck inside a panic attack situation showing up as both the verbal abuse toward bf and her instense physical pain. Bf says she was really sick for a couple days last week, and now it may be more emotional than physical.

Gd gave her OK for her mom and bf to come and has handled this pretty well. She was getting stressed tonight and I see this also with her stomach aches. So we have to find a way to have DD out of the house -- there is nowhere to go.

Bf asked if we were going to church tomorrow, and he would like to go with us if DD is OK to be home alone. Dh works tomorrow and has a lot of deadlines. I will miss him. I do not know how DD feels about this.

I am praying for a clear path in how to handle this tomorrow. To help everyone feel safe. For where to take DD for an evaluation of pain and emotional distress if she chooses to go. Gd can go to a neighbors who knows a bit about DD being here ill -- she is our plan B for gd. God has the answers if I can hear them.

The peace place I have found is still with me in all this. I am not withdrawing. I am not angry. I am in awe that my stress buttons are not activated. I hope this peace continues to be here for me through this time of severe trial. I will reach out to my support network to help me - practical and emotional.

Thanks for being here to share this me. I will update you when I can get some private moments.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello qcarolr,

Sorry to hear that your dd is ill.

It appears that you are in a calm and centered place within yourself.

I can't know if your daughter is suffering from a diagnosable physical problem or not.  I can however imagine how she could be stuck in a cycle of anxiety (panic). 

When we are ill or even slightly debilitated we are very vulnerable, vulnerability we did not choose.  Imagine being so vulnerable and in an unsafe environment with no resources.  That is very scary and even traumatizing for a person with BPD.  Her continuing symptoms may be from the trauma, from ailment, or brought on when she thinks about going back to that unsafe environment... .or any combo of the 3. 

Do you remember when we talked about Mazlo's Hierarchy of Needs?  How safety is necessary for one to be able to learn or progress up the ladder?

You have worked for years to find a place of safety for your dd.  I understand that at the same time she was not willing to work along side you and she often destroyed her chances of having a safe place to live.  This cycle of crisis and back to your home continues.

I don't know that there is an answer for how to disrupt this cycle. Maybe everyone is ok with the cycle continuing as it has for years.

Offering more prayers for wellness of DD and your continued strength.

lbj

[Thursday]

qcarolr-

I'm glad to hear you are feeling peace,

lbj has written some wise thoughts for you.

Wonder (and hope this isn't unhelpful to suggest) if your DD might be going through withdrawal- the symptoms fit. Meth is apparently a very hard drug to withdraw from- takes as long as a month for physical detox. Maybe the bf has some knowledge for you... .

Sending positive energy... .

Thursday

[jellibeans]

Dear qcarolr

Your strength amazes me and I am happy to read you are able to be calm in the middle of the storm.

I am just wondering if your dd is going through withdrawals? My dd just went through detox and it was a pretty painful process.

I do hope she finds a way to get through this bad patch. I am glad you are able to tolerate the discomfort of the whole situation. Take care of yourself.

[qcarolr]

Thursday and Jellibeans -- you are right. I talked with bf last night. DD is in withdrawal. He has been there a couple years ago and wants to take her where he had gone for detox. Now for DD to be able to choose this. It makes so much more sense to me. He says she has a really powerful addiction. I am so grateful he is here with her, for her.

He has also been sharing his life story with me. Hmmm - maybe I am a safe person with good validation skills. I truly find his life very interesting. Dh feels a little neglected, though he is OK with it at the same time. He is an angel in disguise. He has some ideas about himself that are kind of out there.

Gd feels safe with him. "Grandma, bf is the best one that mom has ever brought home." He is kind and gentle with the dogs too. He is teaching them better manners from a calm energy place. Kind of like Ceasar Milan the dog whisperer!

We are willing to allow our safe shelter here for them both as long as they manage the rules and gd is OK with it. I will be contacting her T about this situation so she can work with gd. I need verification that this is really OK even though gd says it is.

Bf is providing household care in exchange for room and board while they are here. We are painting the inside of our house - he finished the kitchen yesterday. He is also doing all the dishes etc. I am very grateful for this help as it relieves a burden from my shoulders. This settles one area of chaos for me.

I also will be on my guard for any signs that he is not who he says he is. Praying for God to keep my eyes and ears open and my heart connected. No head in the sand.

qcr

[jellibeans]

Dear qcarolr

I think this is a very good and I am glad the bf is helping around the house and earning his keep. What kind of support can your dd get with the detox. This has got to be a very hard thing to go through without medical help. You must be so proud that she has taken on this challenge. I hae just read a book by Dr Lee "Recovering my kid" it really was a good book and I really got a lot out of it. Talked about addiction and mental illness etc... .maybe you can find it and read it.

I hope things go well for you all... .I think it is understandable to be on guard... .

[Thursday]

I also will be on my guard for any signs that he is not who he says he is. Praying for God to keep my eyes and ears open and my heart connected. No head in the sand.

Glad to hear you are aware of possible pitfalls.

Please take care. I worry that you are taking on so much.

Thursday

[mggt]

dear q, You are a kind loving mom and nana god bless

[qcarolr]

DD is better today. Upstairs eating, watching TV, helping with shopping list. Bf did the dishes twice today and vacuumed. This is in exchange for 'rent' while he is here. This is first bf that has kept this agreement! DD feels that bf is 'verbally abusive' to her when no one else is around. That he was isolating her by taking care of her instead of me the past few days. This is somewhat confusing to me whether a real threat to her or a distorted view she has of his words and actions. I tried to validate her feelings.

My perception, subject to my own distortions since he is totally respectful when around me, is that DD is really mean to him at times. She is the abusive one. Is this a BPD thing going one in her?

Bf has also told me that DD is OK while I am gone. She is kind, laughs with him, etc.  When I get home from work she shifts into a whinny complaining state with him.

So I am getting a similar story from each toward the other. Feels more like siblings than intimate r/s right now.

One day at a time. Trying to be wary yet relaxed. What a paradox to be 'sitting' with.

qcr