Please help im devastated

[Confusedandbroken]

I got scared reading this BPD relationships. I didnt know it exist. All of the symptoms given are exactly what i was experiencing. I was with this guy for more than 2 years. We broke up/made up multiple times. All the time the reason was uncertain. He will suddenly love me so much and hate me the next day. I am always left clueless. He will tell me he loves me so much but when he breaks up he will tell me he never ever loved me. Now i am left so heart broken because of so much love invested in him. He promised me a lot of things, he made me dream and hope. I need help to get back on my feet again as 2 years relationship is not that easy to let go. I still have this feeling of "maybe he will change" or "when will he come back" stage.  Please help me understand.

[Restored2]

welcome to this very supportive family, Confusedandbroken.  My heart goes out to you with what you are dealing with.  We all have our various stories and relationships with BPD people.  Your story sounds very familiar to many of ours with the pull in and push away. 

BPD can be scary stuff indeed.  The key is to educate and equip yourself with the informational tools on this site and help on these discussion boards.  Prior to my girlfriend breaking up with me I too did not know what BPD was all about. 

In order for him to change he would need to acknowledge that he has a disorder and go into intensive and progressive therapy.

[tjay933]

agreed. education is the first step along with learning from each other here. you are not alone and it is not your fault. 

[Mutt]

Hi Confusedandbroken, 



I'm sorry your going through this. I'd like to echo Restored2 and tjay933 Read as much as you can about BPD. I wanted to get to the truth if what I experienced for many years.

It's hard she you feel isolated and no one may understand what your going through. I felt like I was going crazy being blamed for everything and I couldn't make my partner happy because it was always my fault. Many members here can relate.

It helps to talk.

Hang in there.


----Mutt

[JRT]

Confused... .

... .I have sympathy pains for you... .we all know how badly you hurt because we have had very similar things happen to us by people to whom we loved, were loyal and gave everything to with our hearts. Its sickening what this disorder does.

I know a way to make you feel better as it helped me. First, know that this is not about you or anything that you had done or are. Far from it; this is about him and something horrible that happened to him in his childhood, long before you met him. Also, there was nothing at all that you could have done differently in your relationship to have effected a different outcome - NOTHING. This is very likely what happens with all of his relationships, he will do this again and again.

Do NOT contact him. The pressure and compulsion will be enormously overwhelming - we know, we have all faced the same challenge. Not contacting him will help for you to figure things out and heal from the attachment to him. If there is another reason to not contact him, it is because any attempt to do so will lead to pushing him further away. There is a push/pull dynamic associated with this disorder that is strong. Any attempt to contact him will likely move him even further. If there is some hope for reconciliation, this is the path. I know: you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.

Read all that you can read about it here. There is a mountain of stuff on this site that is related to what you are going through. Its incredible how they all do similar things. It really helps to make the pain go away when you know someone else s story and its similar to your own.

Post on these boards. We all want to help because every one of us has been helped and continue to be helped by others. This is why this site is called BPD family since we help each other as a family member would help. You are not alone... .

Know that this will pass. I tell you that it is the toughest thing that I have had to endure for all of my 48 years... .my divorce was not as painful. There are some days that I am perfect and some days that are dark for me but they are generally getting better. They will for you as well, I promise.

Hugs to you... .

[OnceConfused]

The best way to fight your clinging mind is to remember all the bad times and all of his transgression against you. Otherwise, your mind will wander to the good times and forget the bad times.

[Restored2]

Hi OnceConfused.  There is a lot of truth to what you said about remembering the bad times and not focusing on just the good times.  It is very easy to romanticize a relationship as such without it being a balanced perspective.   

[Michelle27]

My biggest lesson in learning about BPD is that I only have the power to change and heal myself.  No matter what I do or don't do, I can't change his illness or even his ability to cope.  I CAN however, get stronger myself, learn how to maintain boundaries in how I'm treated, and I'm learning once again how to have compassion and give support without taking it on the way I once did.