How to support the BPD appropriately?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPDbf's father who is in his late 80's may need surgery.  I know there can be complications and risks with all surgery.  His father is healthy physically other than this, which is actually a very common surgery, although does have dementia.  Now my uBPDbf has gone into FULL negativity about how if he has the surgery his father will die.  This is the end... .his dad's body is shutting dow, etc. etc.  My bf also overexhagerates/dramatizes everything like a BPD instead of asking the specific questions of the surgeon, contacting his father's neurologist, etc.

How do you give the BPD support, without them stomping all over the boundaries, etc? 

(On the first day into the hospital I went along and my uBPDbf, expected of me to ask the questions/take over.  Yesterday, I didn't go (spent time with my D9) and my BPDbf was irritated with me that I didn't go.)

Whenever something like this happens it's the whole "Poor Me... .The sky is falling!"

I told my bf you need to thing positive, you can't dwell in that he is gonna die.  Because I don't go, my uBPDbf then spins the whole thing as to how "I DON'T SUPPORT HIM or CARE!"

[FigureIt]

My uBPDbf's father who is in his late 80's may need surgery.  I know there can be complications and risks with all surgery.  His father is healthy physically other than this, which is actually a very common surgery, although does have dementia.  Now my uBPDbf has gone into FULL negativity about how if he has the surgery his father will die.  This is the end... .his dad's body is shutting dow, etc. etc.  My bf also overexhagerates/dramatizes everything like a BPD instead of asking the specific questions of the surgeon, contacting his father's neurologist, etc.

How do you give the BPD support, without them stomping all over the boundaries, etc? 

(On the first day into the hospital I went along and my uBPDbf, expected of me to ask the questions/take over.  Yesterday, I didn't go (spent time with my D9) and my BPDbf was irritated with me that I didn't go.)

Whenever something like this happens it's the whole "Poor Me... .The sky is falling!"

I told my bf you need to thing positive, you can't dwell in that he is gonna die.  Because I don't go, my uBPDbf then spins the whole thing as to how "I DON'T SUPPORT HIM or CARE!"

[Turkish]

How do you respond when he says things like that, FigureIt? You've been here a while. How are your validation skills? How do you think you can you validate a statement like, "my dad's going to die!"?

Your bf sounds Waifish and Hermitish. The Waif's dominant emotional state is helplessness, and the Hermit's is fear. When he wanted you to take over his role of asking questions, he was asking to be rescued. I'm glad that you didn't go the second time. By enabling or care-taking such behaviors, we take over the role that they should be doing for themselves.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

I told my bf you need to thing positive, you can't dwell in that he is gonna die.

Does this sound validating?

[Loosestrife]

How about something like :

" I know you must be really worried about your dad, I am too.  Having any surgery is really scary, so we need to try work together so we can be a strong and positive support for him.  I don't want D9 to worry about her grandad, so I'm trying to keep up some routine at home for her."

I'm new to all this validation stuff so you may want to adapt /ignore.

[FigureIt]

I did see that the "positive thinking" statement wasn't validating.  Yesterday I said "it must be really tough to go through this with your dad" and my bf did respond better. 

I can't go and just stay at the hospital, because then like you said I would be "rescuing" him.  Also, this is the responsibility of him & his sister and if someone else is there they will both not do anything.  I did offer to drive his mother to the hospital on my lunch and then he could pick her up after work.  I thought by offering that is gave some support, but did not put me in the caretaking role, it just alleviated a stress a bit.

I guess where I get stuck is all the negativity and "the glass is empty" view.  Everything is this way!    It can really drag you down and wear on you.  I do try to let it just roll off me. 

My D9 was asked by her sport coach yesterday to take part in a championship competition on Saturday.  A great opportunity for her.  My D9 is with her dad this weekend, so I (bf welcome to come too) would go watch her event, probably an about 1 1/2hrs., then be home.  I did tell my bf about it yesterday after we found out and of course he is upset because it takes TIME AWAY from him.  It's just exhausting ... .