unopened xmas presents

[js friend]

dd20 cut another her friend and the childrens godmother out of her life just before xmas after the friend announced her pregnancy.

The thing is her friend brought over xmas presents to my home for dd and the gc as dd was spending xmas here. DD was out at the time so the presents were left here with me, but dd has since refused to open them. I have asked dd what i should do with them and she just says to "leave them there" .She wont open them, wont allow anyone else to open them and refuses to take them with her to where she lives.At the moment they are just sitting in a cupboard hidden away so the gc dont get hold of them.Usually I try my hardest  to stay out of dds r/s issues, but maybe i should ask dd if she would like me to return them to her this girl. It may be too late for her to return them and get a refund but she could probably make better use of them herself with her own child on the way rather than they just be stuck in a cupboard.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jdtm]

I

have asked dd what i should do with them and she just says to "leave them there"

If you have the room, I would just leave them where they are.  If they are there after a certain period of time (say next Christmas), then I might return them to her. The gifts do belong to your daughter not the friend who gave them.  When you "houseclean", then give her a choice whether she wants them returned to her friend/herself or whether she wants them to be pitched/donated (just give her a "heads up".  Just one opinion ... .

[Thursday]

Hi Jsfriend,

From what you have written it seems like you are a very concerned, conscientious person. And you are worried about your DD's relationships with her friends. And you have these presents, although hidden away it's like they are staring you in the face and maybe in a way, keeping you in a state of anxiety about your daughter- meaning you think of them and instantly think of your daughter's problems.

Do you have these presents stored where you run into them on a regular basis? If you do, why not put them in a dark colored trash bag and put them on a high shelf where you won't see them.

I doubt your dd's friend would have given these gifts if she couldn't afford it so don't worry about the friends situation. You have enough to worry about without worrying about this friend and whether or not she wasted her money.

The unopened presents are indicative of how your daughter is managing her relationships. Could it be that right now your DD believes she has the upper hand- the friend has given and she is sitting in control of the opening or not opening.

Maybe it would help you to have a conversation with your dd, if possible, about why she doesn't want to open the gifts. A conversation like this would give you a chance to use your validation skills. You could begin with telling her you want to understand her better, tell her you can see the distress this gift giving friend causes her.

Thursday

[js friend]

Thankyou both jdtm and Thursday for your thoughtful respones.

jdtm- you are quite right. The presents do now belong to dd. They were given to her and she can do whatever she likes with them. I dont have control over it.It is a part of letting go "and not being in the middle of arranging all the outcomes" Thankyou for reminding me about this.

Thursday- You are spot on that these unopened gifts do remind me about the sad state of dd's r/s and her lack of friendships and it causes me anxiety to think that they may grow up in a stae of isolation that dd seems quite comfortable in.It worries that she is isolating herself and the children more and more and that the gc will grow up thinking that it is normal to have no friends and become antisocial.Their world is so small already without losing yet another person who loves them in it.  

I will take the suggestion of putting the presents somewhere where i dont run into them so often. Hopefully it will help.

Thank-you both.