Realization

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't know where to start. I appreciate the information in the past few weeks i've found to educate me on something I have been aware of for so long. In some some strange way I figured we just ,deserved each other.

She with a temper problem, and as far as I can tell, classic BPD behaviour and me deserving of the tongue lashing and critical break down of my seemingly endless rash of short comings. Only to eventually become numb to the cycle of extreme behaviour and never apparently learn from all the efforts to "reach my heart" so I can make the necessary changes.

Accept the change list was filled with past mistakes some real some just plain fictional that I couldn't change anyway and an array of other accusations and comments that within a day were either forgotten or deemphasized until the next blow up.

I can't go through another cycle, I'm so numb and she is growing very aware of this fact. Right now her behaviour is sweet, patient, giving, etc. Which makes it all the more difficult to let go. My friends and family noticed the BPD behavior a while ago but I was too in love, attached, and entrenched to make a serious change. Only to complain about her, of course she would find out and basically say I was weak and being too sensitive and defensive and to keep our business in house.

Sound advice except it cut me off from rational thinking and slowly brought me in to conformity. Where I become a sounding board for some of the most hurtful, emasculating type assaults that no one should endure.

As I said now I feel I must break away. And I can't help think about the wonderful things she's done, her hard work and the countless number of other attributes that have me hooked, including nearly flawless beauty.

This is but an excerpt of the situation but i hope it resonates with the folks here. And hope to spark some strength building conversations because I need help.

Even after my realization I feel this love for her, and converesly an almost dependency as well.

The cycle will begin again I know, just so hard to leave this situation. One other thing, anything that isn't to do with her other than God is the enemy. I like to do two things outside of being home, see my daughter and workout.  If I put either one of those things before her, it is a major argument, well more like a tongue lashing about how I love my daughter and the gym more than her or anything else for that matter.

[Incredulous36]

I don't know where to start. I appreciate the information in the past few weeks i've found to educate me on something I have been aware of for so long. In some some strange way I figured we just ,deserved each other.

She with a temper problem, and as far as I can tell, classic BPD behaviour and me deserving of the tongue lashing and critical break down of my seemingly endless rash of short comings. Only to eventually become numb to the cycle of extreme behaviour and never apparently learn from all the efforts to "reach my heart" so I can make the necessary changes.

Accept the change list was filled with past mistakes some real some just plain fictional that I couldn't change anyway and an array of other accusations and comments that within a day were either forgotten or deemphasized until the next blow up.

I can't go through another cycle, I'm so numb and she is growing very aware of this fact. Right now her behaviour is sweet, patient, giving, etc. Which makes it all the more difficult to let go. My friends and family noticed the BPD behavior a while ago but I was too in love, attached, and entrenched to make a serious change. Only to complain about her, of course she would find out and basically say I was weak and being too sensitive and defensive and to keep our business in house.

Sound advice except it cut me off from rational thinking and slowly brought me in to conformity. Where I become a sounding board for some of the most hurtful, emasculating type assaults that no one should endure.

As I said now I feel I must break away. And I can't help think about the wonderful things she's done, her hard work and the countless number of other attributes that have me hooked, including nearly flawless beauty.

This is but an excerpt of the situation but i hope it resonates with the folks here. And hope to spark some strength building conversations because I need help.

Even after my realization I feel this love for her, and converesly an almost dependency as well.

The cycle will begin again I know, just so hard to leave this situation. One other thing, anything that isn't to do with her other than God is the enemy. I like to do two things outside of being home, see my daughter and workout.  If I put either one of those things before her, it is a major argument, well more like a tongue lashing about how I love my daughter and the gym more than her or anything else for that matter.

[ForeverDad]

Isolation is a common tactic of controllers and manipulators, starts small but then snakes its way into everything.  Even 100% compliance isn't enough.  It will never be enough, there will always be something else.

"If you really loved me... ." and ultimatums such as "... .or else!" are also twisted logic and standard demands.

And of course all these demands are done in private settings, in vehicles or behind closed doors, you will be obstructed if you try to let other people know about it or seek marital or even personal counseling.

Dr Joe Carver has a good website with several articles and we've even got a topic about one of them on our Articles board.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56157.0

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html

When I realized I my then-spouse was no longer responding even a little to my reasoning attempts, I started documenting (quietly recording) to protect myself, I saw it like Insurance, I had a really weird fear of wearing orange jumpsuits and so wanted to be able to prove it wasn't me who was misbehaving.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Making excuses for your BPD partner's behaviour. Seen that in the past, and also done that.

Everything can be justified and excused.

But the one true question that I had to learn to ask myself, do you love yourself enough to break off from the manipulation and accusations, and live a better deserving life?

I said yes and not looking back. Do I regret anything, maybe yes maybe not, but it's about looking forward. Running a better race, not thinking about the last one (win or lose).

[livednlearned]

Hi Incredulous,

Welcome to bpdfamily! It sounds like you're gathering information to try and understand in more depth what you have known and experienced for a long time. Learning about BPD, and about yourself, will go a long way to help you take care of yourself and minimize conflict. It sounds like there is a lot of verbal abuse in the relationship. Do you have any tools you use to help when your ex is lashing out?

How old is your daughter? How long have you been married?

Glad you found the site. This place is filled with people who understand your story and know what you're going through. People genuinely care.

I hope you let us know more about what you're going through. It really does catalyze good things (tho sometimes painful) to share our stories with others who understand.

LnL

[Lucky Jim]

Hey incredulous, You've done nothing wrong.  Your SO is using F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) to manipulate and control you.  Your story is quite familiar and many of us (read: me) have been in your shoes.  It is hard to leave, as you note, and the cycle will definitely begin again.  Presumably your self-esteem has been battered, so that on some level you may think you deserve to be treated poorly.  Not true!  You deserve better.  As you observe, there is "almost dependency."  No doubt about that and no "almost"; there is a dependency, for reasons that you will need to figure out, in time.  For now, try to focus on yourself and what you need to be happy again.  LuckyJim

[rj47]

As I said now I feel I must break away. And I can't help think about the wonderful things she's done, her hard work and the countless number of other attributes that have me hooked, including nearly flawless beauty.



Painful isn't it? I suspect she's empathetic to you and others, decent, engaging, fun to be with. The sex is probably great as well. But, for that dark side that shows with callous viciousness to destroy you. You think you can manage through the dark times and re-establish the joyful times she brings you. It won't be enough; each vicious episode will push you a little lower eroding your self respect and confidence over time. You will never likely get it right as the standards she sets are continually moved. You're not perfect pal; but maybe you are perfect for someone.

Developing good coping skills is possible. But for me, simply coping was not enough as it did little to stop the madness for almost 20 years. The near constant fear and guilt finally started to anger me enough that I began to disconnect emotionally. The more I disconnected the more I was able to push back with almost equal fury (controlled theatre). When she knew I didn't give a flip anymore she began to take notice and moderate her behavior. Too late... .my ship has left that port. Downright evil things she did at the height of her dysregulated states altered my ability to ever trust her again. The FOG turned to fear of what she might do in the future when the bottled fury finds its way out. I'll always love her, but not in the way I think it was ever mean't to be between two people.

Get busy living, or, resign yourself to dying a little more each day.

[Lucky Jim]

Same for me, rj47.  You put that well.  Thanks!  LuckyJim

[rlhmm]

sorry to hear you're going through the "cycles" that are BPD. the behavior can be so contradictory that it causes mass confusion in a "normal" brain, sweet, caring, giving, one moment, and completely condescending the next and all the other little wierd snide remarks in between. you say that this was something that you were aware of for a long time? had you come across this in the past or had a relative with the same affliction?  that tells me that you ignored the   when you met her? you mention that you felt, "you deserved eachother". why is that?  sounds like you might have been smitten by her in order to ignore what your family observed right away. f-o-g will do that. sounds like you are pulling yourself out of it though... .and yes she will be VERY aware that you are doing this as you detach. she sounds quite a bit like my exBPDgf. "waif" and "hermit". it wasnt easy letting go... .but once they devalue you... .its just a matter of time before you find yourself in a miserable state of mind. i was in a damned if you do or dont situation, the factors were time, and my sanity. i chose my sanity. what will you choose?  best of luck!  

[apollotech]

As I said now I feel I must break away. And I can't help think about the wonderful things she's done, her hard work and the countless number of other attributes that have me hooked, including nearly flawless beauty.



Painful isn't it? I suspect she's empathetic to you and others, decent, engaging, fun to be with. The sex is probably great as well. But, for that dark side that shows with callous viciousness to destroy you. You think you can manage through the dark times and re-establish the joyful times she brings you. It won't be enough; each vicious episode will push you a little lower eroding your self respect and confidence over time. You will never likely get it right as the standards she sets are continually moved. You're not perfect pal; but maybe you are perfect for someone.

Developing good coping skills is possible. But for me, simply coping was not enough as it did little to stop the madness for almost 20 years. The near constant fear and guilt finally started to anger me enough that I began to disconnect emotionally. The more I disconnected the more I was able to push back with almost equal fury (controlled theatre). When she knew I didn't give a flip anymore she began to take notice and moderate her behavior. Too late... .my ship has left that port. Downright evil things she did at the height of her dysregulated states altered my ability to ever trust her again. The FOG turned to fear of what she might do in the future when the bottled fury finds its way out. I'll always love her, but not in the way I think it was ever mean't to be between two people.

Get busy living, or, resign yourself to dying a little more each day.

RJ, preach the Non's gospel brother! Amen!