Option to go back

[Loosestrife]

Hi  

I have failed miserably at NC since my relationship break up several weeks ago and my BPDex has intimated  there may a chance to give the relationship another go, but only if we live together (to provide consistency). My BPDex is currently in hospital, unstable on Meds and being assessed for longer term treatment. I received a fair amount of splitting/abuse along the way, which is the main reason I haven't committed to living together before.  I don't know what to do for the best. I'm pretty drained already and it's a huge gamble... .Any advice?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lovenature]

I would say be honest with yourself about how bad it has been to this point, and from what I have read, it only gets worse once you are married or living together. The dishonesty is so common with BPD's, and how can a healthy relationship exist without mutual trust?

[Tibbles]

I think you need to ask yourself why you would consider living with this person. What is in it for you? You have already suffered abuse and that is unlikely to change. Several weeks out of one of these relationships is such a short time. You are most likely still caught up in the FOG and your struggle with NC is very common and a battle that is hard to be successful at - I really struggled and it is only after about a year that I am now OK with it.

Don't rush into anything or get yourself deeper into something that is already hard to get out of. Remember you count too and there has got to be something positive and healthy in a relationship for you too. Positive and healthy is not something to goes with a relationship with a BPD.

[newlifeBPDfree]

Hi  

I have failed miserably at NC since my relationship break up several weeks ago and my BPDex has intimated  there may a chance to give the relationship another go, but only if we live together (to provide consistency). My BPDex is currently in hospital, unstable on Meds and being assessed for longer term treatment. I received a fair amount of splitting/abuse along the way, which is the main reason I haven't committed to living together before.  I don't know what to do for the best. I'm pretty drained already and it's a huge gamble... .Any advice?

I had similar situation to yours. I have been divorced from my BPD husband for a little over a year and he was living with his girlfriend. All throughout the year he would ask me to take him back. One day last fall he tried to commit suicide and ended up in a hospital for a week. He was getting treatment and would call me several times per day telling me how much he has changed and how much he loves me and that he wants to move back in. I let him move in when he came out of the hospital and I really regret the decision.

At first everything was great and we were getting along but things started popping up and triggers never disappear. It all ended badly with him attacking me in the middle of the night which pushed me to changing locks and getting retraining order. I really wish i did not take him back.

I don't know a lot about your relationship but you really have to think about yourself and put yourself first no matter how badly you want to help the BPDex.

[fromheeltoheal]

there may a chance to give the relationship another go, but only if we live together (to provide consistency).

So she's in total control, setting the conditions, and dangling the carrot of possible cohabitation in front of you, and you're grasping at straws and hoping.  And if yours is anything like mine, there is no consistency, more like perpetual chaos, common with someone with an unstable sense of self, plus it works very well to keep you on edge, and therefore under control.

My BPDex is currently in hospital, unstable on Meds and being assessed for longer term treatment.

And you're considering living with that?  Are you going to tame a tornado or get swept away by it?

I'm pretty drained already and it's a huge gamble... .Any advice?

Yes, it is a huge gamble with very low odds.  So what do you want?  If you want her the way she is, with all that entails, then she may still be available to you.  If you want her, but a different version of her, the one where all your needs get met and there's string music and a sunset, that's a fantasy and chasing it would be futile.

Sorry to be harsh man, but sometimes it helps.  Best to decide what you want, check to see if that's possible, and wanting her to be someone she's not is not possible, and then make a decision, a real one, and act accordingly.  Best to focus on your needs exclusively right now, including your need to rescue if you have one, and act accordingly.  Take care of you!

[Loosestrife]

Hi newlife, I'm really sorry to hear what happened. I have experienced one episode of violence in the past too which was blamed on medication.

I'm really torn between supporting someone I love through their lowest point when they are asking for and willing to get help, but then also knowing that living together will not resolve the BPD and may make it worse. It does feel like a now or never scenario and I get the impression that out of sight is out of mind sometimes for my ex.

Tibbles/love nature - my first reaction is I get love and partnership out of the relationship  when my ex is not in a negative mood, but those times have become less and less, so I will seriously think on what you have said. I have never been lied to or cheated on as far as I am aware, but there has been plenty of FOG and manipulation which as far as I can tell is programmed/automated learnt behaviour. That in itself is mind blowing. I'm not sure after 40 years of age how much of this can actually be reprogrammed either. What if it takes another 40 years!

I read the 'how to stop care taking' book and i was exhausted just reading it. Something else to consider... .

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I was a doormat for my uBPDexgf.

That is what you (and everyone here) are / will be, until you come to terms with the concept.

Do you want to be controlled, manipulated, lied to and cheated on?

Then you are nothing but a doormat,  to be trampled on, stepped on, and dirtied by your self-absorbed partner.

[Loosestrife]

there may a chance to give the relationship another go, but only if we live together (to provide consistency).

So she's in total control, setting the conditions, and dangling the carrot of possible cohabitation in front of you, and you're grasping at straws and hoping.  And if yours is anything like mine, there is no consistency, more like perpetual chaos, common with someone with an unstable sense of self, plus it works very well to keep you on edge, and therefore under control.

My BPDex is currently in hospital, unstable on Meds and being assessed for longer term treatment.

And you're considering living with that?  Are you going to tame a tornado or get swept away by it?

I'm pretty drained already and it's a huge gamble... .Any advice?

Yes, it is a huge gamble with very low odds.  So what do you want?  If you want her the way she is, with all that entails, then she may still be available to you.  If you want her, but a different version of her, the one where all your needs get met and there's string music and a sunset, that's a fantasy and chasing it would be futile.

Sorry to be harsh man, but sometimes it helps.  Best to decide what you want, check to see if that's possible, and wanting her to be someone she's not is not possible, and then make a decision, a real one, and act accordingly.  Best to focus on your needs exclusively right now, including your need to rescue if you have one, and act accordingly.  Take care of you!

Thanks Fromheeltoheal, bluntness is what's required here. I have just re-read the email from my ex and the cohabitation is very much a carrot of control. I will think on the baiting element of this carefully.

[Loosestrife]

I was a doormat for my uBPDexgf.

That is what you (and everyone here) are / will be, until you come to terms with the concept.

Do you want to be controlled, manipulated, lied to and cheated on?

Then you are nothing but a doormat,  to be trampled on, stepped on, and dirtied by your self-absorbed partner.

Hi, there have definately been times I have felt like a piece of dog crap I the sidewalk (worse than a doormat)... .But there have been other times I felt like the luckiest partner alive - I suppose this is part of the illusion/game... .

[willtimeheal]

Mine made similar demands... .When i was finally going to move in, buy a house with her, and marry her... .oh she was cheating on me AGAIN. I gave my relationship so many"another go"  each time I was left broken and bruised more than the time before. Only you can make the decision to go back or not to... .my advice... .get yourself healthy. You can't save her. She will hurt you again and again. It's not your responsibility to save her. It is hers. Go live your life... .as hard as it is it does get easier with time.

[Loosestrife]

Mine made similar demands... .When i was finally going to move in, buy a house with her, and marry her... .oh she was cheating on me AGAIN. I gave my relationship so many"another go"  each time I was left broken and bruised more than the time before. Only you can make the decision to go back or not to... .my advice... .get yourself healthy. You can't save her. She will hurt you again and again. It's not your responsibility to save her. It is hers. Go live your life... .as hard as it is it does get easier with time.

Thanks, in some ways it would be easier if my ex had cheated on me (sad to say that) as it would make me walk away and close the door

[willtimeheal]

Mine made similar demands... .When i was finally going to move in, buy a house with her, and marry her... .oh she was cheating on me AGAIN. I gave my relationship so many"another go"  each time I was left broken and bruised more than the time before. Only you can make the decision to go back or not to... .my advice... .get yourself healthy. You can't save her. She will hurt you again and again. It's not your responsibility to save her. It is hers. Go live your life... .as hard as it is it does get easier with time.

Thanks, in some ways it would be easier if my ex had cheated on me (sad to say that) as it would make me walk away and close the door

You need to do what is best for you. Remember she has a serious mental disorder.  She can't contribute anything to a relationship until she is healthy. You said she is struggling big time... .She has to do the work to get healthy. You guys getting back together isn't going to fix her. That lesson took me a long time to learn. If she goes to therapy and does the work then you have a chance ... .in the mean time work on yourself. Go to therapy and figure out why you keep getting drawn back in. Healthy people don't put up with abuse. It took me a long time to learn that I needed help too. Good luck.

[Loosestrife]

[/quote]
If she goes to therapy and does the work then you have a chance... .[/quote]
Thanks timewillheal. Did you find this helped? I'm also worried things get worse before they get better with therapy... .

[willtimeheal]

If she goes to therapy and does the work then you have a chance... .[/quote]
Thanks timewillheal. Did you find this helped? I'm also worried things get worse before they get better with therapy... .[/quote]
She went to therapy... .and quit. Borderline rarely stick with therapy. I am sorry. I mine used therapy as a way to devalue me and as an excuse to replace me. Many therapists won't treat borderlines from what I read... .I am sorry but I don't hold a lot of hope that any of them get better.

[apollotech]

I was a doormat for my uBPDexgf.

That is what you (and everyone here) are / will be, until you come to terms with the concept.

Do you want to be controlled, manipulated, lied to and cheated on?

Then you are nothing but a doormat,  to be trampled on, stepped on, and dirtied by your self-absorbed partner.

Hi, there have definately been times I have felt like a piece of dog crap I the sidewalk (worse than a doormat)... .But there have been other times I felt like the luckiest partner alive - I suppose this is part of the illusion/game... .

Loosestrife,

It seems that you are attempting to justify your partner's bad actions/behaviors by splitting your partner. ALL actions/behaviors, good and bad, comprise your partner. The good is a manifestation of the illness as well as the bad. Keep your eyes on the whole, not the parts. The parts comprise the whole. If you accept the whole then you must accept the bad along with the good. Only you can weigh those against one another for yourself. Do not leave the "for yourself" part out of your decision.