reintroducing myself

[madmom]

Hello, I have been a part of this site for several months now, but forgot my username/password, so I had to re-register.  I have a BPDDD who is 26 years old.  We have struggled as so many of you have for a number of years with this condition.  She is doing well now, but as most of you have experienced, that can change in a heartbeat, so I never, ever fully relax. My daughter currently holds a job . She has done this for a year now and has been very successful with this job. They pay well enough that she is able to pay the vast majority of her bills and live in an apartment of her own here in our hometown.  Unfortunately, there are no benefits, but for now I am just happy with all the progress she has made. She has held a number of jobs over the years and has been fired from every one of them. Over the years we have dealt with so many things, the one I can't stand the most is LYING!  We have been fortunate that there has only been one hospitalization about 4 years ago, and she is not suicidal.  She is not a cutter either.  She has done plenty of other things such as... .spend money recklessly, most by giving it away to some low life people who are "friends", abusing alcohol and food and sex, going no contact for periods of time, the list could go on and on. She has been in therapy off and on, currently off---I am not too happy about that, but haven't been able to convince her to go back, or to go back on meds.  I will keep trying. This site has really helped me.  The lessons, especially on validation and SET have totally changed how I relate to her and I credit that with some of the recent successes we have had the last several months. If you want to know more, just ask.  This site is so reassuring, and has been a great deal of support for me when I needed it most.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hey, there & Welcome Back  

It's great that you've found your way back to us, and wonderful to hear of your daughter's breakthroughs, and all the Tiny Little Changes, that are all going in the right direction!

I can certainly understand the apprehensions you still have, given her past and her current situation, but can also rejoice with you over her ability to hold her current job and even pay for most of her expenses... .And the fact that she is able to now live on her own and not in your home is also a blessing, I'm sure  

I'm glad to hear that the links to the right-hand side of this page, THE LESSONS and the TOOLS, have been helpful to you in your relationship with your daughter, and I hope that the new FEATURE ARTICLES (found under the 4 photos at the top of the Parenting threads listings) will give you even more insights into your daughter and your life with her (I do think that they are new since you've been offsite).

Is your daughter in a relationship? How is your family doing with dealing with her? How are you doing, yourself? We have an Article about helping our BPD child participate in Therapy, in one of the Feature Articles I mentioned above; you might want to check that out... .Welcome back, and I look forward to your updates 

[madmom]

My daughter in not in a relationship.  I wish she had someone special in her life, but her relationships haven't turned out too well and as she has said , she needs to work on herself and get in a better, healthier place and she is trying to do just that.  She has ditched the old, less than upstanding friends which has been hard because she became basically friendless and alone and we all know how hard that is for those with BPD.  

The good news, she tried some new activities such as a book club for young adults, going to a new church, and attending some free community exercise classes and she has started meeting people and doing a few things that have really brought some positives people into her life.  She if finding some authentic happiness and I couldn't be more pleased for her.  I hope it keeps up, but I am always afraid of too much good, because it makes the fall when it goes bad so much worse!  I think that she is starting to grow up and maybe the wild ways of a younger girl have tamed some.  

The therapy thing is a work in progress, she only recently was able to sign up for health insurance and so one hurdle has been taken care of.  She isn't opposed to it, she just isn't sure if she wants to go back to her former therapist, or try someone new.  I can kind of understand.  The therapist she has had is a good person, very patient, but has a little trouble with follow through and so my DD is wondering about trying someone else, especially one who does DBT.  They are few and far between in our area and so far we haven't had much luck finding someone who has an opening---it is an ongoing discussion. The good news is that it doesn't blow up into an argument, it just doesn't move fast enough for ME, so I am trying to back off a little and take baby steps, not go and bulldoze my way in. ( I like to do that at times)

The family deals with her in a variety of way, her dad and I have really used the tools found here to "get on the same page" and that has really helped us to set and stick to boundaries, and communicate with each other better.  Her siblings don't live here, but they keep in touch, especially the youngest and his wife.  They love her, have been to a family therapy session with her and will do whatever they can to support her.  

I have to tell you a heartwarming story.  My husband and I were talking to DD siblings about our will and what we would want done.  (We had already talked with DD and told her why her siblings would be in charge of her money etc. should something happen to us and she was fine with it.) Anyway, one of the siblings said to us "if something should happen to you, this sibling and spouse would take her in because they both loved her so much and knew that she would need the support so we didn't need to worry.  The other sibling then spoke up and said if they were willing to do that, he would promise that she would never be a financial burden to them, he would take care of all her expenses. (he has the job that would allow him to do this without hurting him too much financially).  He knows that for her to move in with him would be a disaster, and would totally ruin the relationship and I agree.  But he does truly love her and want the best for her.  

I am very proud of all three of our children.  My DD is very lucky her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc. having been nothing but loving and supportive even during the worst of times.  My husband and I are doing well.  We enjoy our family, but also love having an empty nest and time to do things together.   We have learned to take care of ourselves and each other in a better, healthier way in the last year and that makes for a less stressful life.  We both know that things can and maybe will go wrong, but we don't spend lots of time dwelling on that.  I did the NAMI family to family class this fall and enjoyed it.  I met some great people who are just trying to take it one day at a time like I am.  I will look forward to the feature articles.  Thank you for your interest, sorry this is so long!

[lbjnltx]

Hi madmom

I very much enjoyed reading your posts about your daughter, yourself and your family.

There is much positive in your lives that are noteworthy and deserve celebration!

I look forward to seeing you around here more.

lbj

[Rapt Reader]

Oh, what good news 

I do think that things are going in good directions for your daughter and your whole family, and though it is always frustrating when we think of the way we wish our kids would live their lives (or even think   ), I've learned that when we let go of that, we can enjoy the positives and count our blessings. You sound like you are surrounded by blessings in the guise of your compassionate and loving family members. Your daughter is lucky for the acceptance and patience she has all around her... .

Here is the link to the page with the Feature Articles: https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-child.  All 4 of them are really relevant to all of us parents of BPD children--young and adult, in Therapy or not, in recovery or in the throes of the Disorder. I've really found them helpful, myself.

One thing I've found the most helpful of all the communication tools & techniques I've learned on this site, is Radical Acceptance of my son: Who he is, what he is capable of, how his mind works, and what he wants for his future (instead of what I want for him). Everything else we learn here--Validation, S.E.T., Boundaries, etc.--is important and vital to how I've been able to understand and love him better, but Radical Acceptance has been the most important thing for me. Letting go of my own expectations and letting him heal and grow and recover on his own timeline has been life-changing for this "fixer"