"We should see other people"

[Jessica84]

Just when I think the FOG has lifted, I get a stray text from my uBPDbf last Sunday... ."I think we should start going out with other people." Like we're in the middle of a conversation, only I missed the beginning? I respond in haste "do what you want". He tells me he doesn't have anyone in mind, but that I should. I respond, in haste again, don't tell me what to do. He changes the subject... .so I chalk this random text up to his self-loathing nature. He asks if he can call, then calls to ask my opinion about something unrelated...

Next day he calls and makes no mention of it, so I tell myself to let it go. Then I notice after we've met a few times for lunch, there was no affection - no kiss, not even a friendly hug. So now the daunting 'we should other people' text creeps back into my mind. I don't bring it up, but there it is, growing... .is he seeing other people? does he think I am?

Last night he invites me over. I decline several times because I don't really know what's going on or why he said this. He insists I'm safer there because he knows my heat is out and it's supposed to freeze. I assure him I'll be ok. I don't trust myself. I know I'm likely to get triggered until I've resolved this in my head. So I weigh it out... .As the temp continues to drop and I start to shiver, I ask myself: Do I shiver all night so as not to go over there before I'm ready and make things worse? Or go for warmth and take the risk? He's texting relentlessly. The last one says he's going to sleep, but he'll leave the door open. Ok, now this is perfect! I get to stay somewhere warm without getting into this with him, at least for the night. Right?

Not in BPD world. I go over there, he's awake. He asks me to come rub his shoulders. I've still got this whole "we should see other people" thing hovering over my head. Then my fears fade away as we start talking, laughing, having a nice exchange. I rub his back, which leads to sex, then we fall asleep together. Woke up this morning feeling icky about it because he was being distant. I was ok until he asked me to make sure I got all my things, kind of rude-like... .like it's the last time I'll have a chance or something?

I'm familiar with this push-pull dance... .I tried to ride it out... .but I didn't make it this time. This push triggered me. I worked myself up and tell him if he's seeing other people I can't do this anymore. Yes, I panicked. I calmed down pretty quickly, but the damage was done. We both left for work. No "have a nice day" or hug or kiss goodbye.

Later he texted he's sorry. That we are friends with benefits and there's nothing wrong with that... .but that if it causes me discomfort he will "try to keep physical distance." WTH? So now we're friends with benefits? Honestly the benefits have been pretty infrequent lately. His meds make it difficult. We've still managed to enjoy nonsexual intimacy inside the relationship. Or what I thought was a relationship? It seemed that way. He called himself my bf, introduced me as his gf, so I didn't think I was being delusional?

Now that I understand the terms as he sees them, I realize those terms don't work for me. So I accept that I was being delusional. I think to myself, ok fine. I've got this. I'll stay in contact with him and keep it friendly since I have to for work, but no more sex... .I don't tell him this, I just have a good grasp of the situation and a plan to deal with it going forward. Maybe I got played. Life goes on... .

Then he texts me "I have not had any physical, mental, or emotional contact with any other human, beast or foul." So? None of my business. I'm just a friend with benefits! Or was this whole thing a test? I'm finding it hard not to take this personal.

I've got plans for the weekend. I'm gonna try to go remember what 'fun' looks like. He can be alone and miserable. Or with someone else and miserable. His latest text said to have a good weekend and he will do his best to give me as much space as possible. I love how he's feeling sorry for me now. What an ego... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Crumbling]

Enjoy your weekend, Jess.  You deserve it.  Fun is a great healer.

If you want to make sure he gives you space you can always 'forget' your phone at home, or the charger, or no mobile coverage here, or, oh, it must have been in my other jeans.      Just stay focused on you for the next few days, it sounds like you're going to need it. 

,

blessings and good intentions,

c.

[Turkish]

After being told for years that I would be the one to cheat, my Ex said out of the blue one night, "you know, if you cheat, it's ok, just as long as I never find out about it." In retrospect, it was probably projection, because she was thinking about it herself.

I'm sorry that you feel so used, Jessica. Where are you going to go from here? Try to keep some kind of r/s, or try to detach?

[Jessica84]

Thank you Crumbling and Turkish. 

I was feeling pretty rotten earlier about how I handled this. He's constantly doing the push-pull thing. I feel like a seesaw.

I did think about projection. Most people who say let's see other people usually already are. So this was a natural assumption. But one good thing about him never shutting up is he gives himself away... .if only I had listened with more objective ears. I think it had more to do with his self-loathing and feeling worthless. Every time he brought it up, it was to say how he's too old, fat, broke and mental and no one will have him, while I'm young and can have anyone.    All of which I invalidated. Of course, my specialty.

I'm pretty sure he'll give me space. He'll make a point of it. A few days from now he'll call and act like none of this happened. I'm not sure where to go from here? He has severe depression with suicide ideation. I'm not inclined to abandon him completely. I also have to work with him, but I know me. I can't be in a non-committed r/s like this. That leaves the door open to trouble.

This was his push, his coping mechanism. He can have his ego boost at my expense if it helps him get thru the day. He can think I'm over here crying and eating ice cream. I'll be out with friends. Sharing good food, with good company, listening to good music. Life is good.

[Rockylove]

He can have his ego boost at my expense if it helps him get thru the day. He can think I'm over here crying and eating ice cream. I'll be out with friends. Sharing good food, with good company, listening to good music. Life is good.

Indeed!  He will be whatever way he'll be... .have a great weekend and as mentioned by Crumbling... .leave your phone behind

[Jessica84]

Thanks all. Now I'm feeling like I whored myself out for a warm place to sleep. If we weren't in a relationship, then that's what I did. Wow... .I'd rather freeze to death.

On the other hand, maybe I'm not a prostitute. Maybe I can't read BPD signals.

I need to clear my head... .

[Grey Kitty]

Thanks all. Now I'm feeling like I whored myself out for a warm place to sleep. If we weren't in a relationship, then that's what I did. Wow... .I'd rather freeze to death.

No, that was NOT what you did. You did accept his offer to see him mostly because it was a warm place to sleep. That was a real offer on his part.

It wasn't sex in exchange for a warm house.   It does sound like he was trying to manipulate you though.

Your crappy and used feelings are real and genuine. Sorry to hear you are feeling that way now.

I hope you have fun this weekend! (And get your heat fixed soon!)

[Cat Familiar]

Oh Jessica, I'm so sorry you're the target of his limp indecisiveness about the status of your relationship.    PwBPD can be so cruel. I often wonder if they're intentionally cruel or they're just digging themselves out of a tight space that suddenly they find constricting--such as being in a relationship.

I listened to the tape I made a year or so ago, before I found this community, of my husband dysregulating. He was saying things like "why don't you just shoot me in the head and be done with the torture you're putting me through." While I was saying, "I don't understand what you're so upset about, please tell me what's going on."

It was truly bizarre realizing that more than that we were on completely different planets, we were on completely different universes at that moment--which actually went on for much longer than the half hour that I had secretly taped his craziness.

When your SO has to be accountable for his words in a professional context and then so flagrantly vomits out unkindness in his personal life, it's hard to reconcile. I'm really eager to share this with my psychologist because it's so aberrant from how he presents himself in public. (Classic BPD two-facedness--saving the best for strangers and the worst for loved ones.)

Jessica, that may have been just a "throwaway comment" on his part and he might not even remember or acknowledge that he said that. But for you, it's very real and a big symptom that something is very shaky in your relationship. I can't emphasize enough my complete surprise at the bizarre things my husband will say and then think that later they shouldn't even register for me because he was "just upset" at the time.

I hope you have a nice weekend and that you get your heater fixed soon.    

[waverider]

Dont try to work out the plot after only reading the first chapter. The rest has yet to be written, put it aside, go enjoy yourself and see what unravels. Thats the time to determine your role.

His mind is chaos, he has no logical plot just a bunch of random impulses. Some will be discarded and others acted upon. You can't control this.

Maybe clarify your values and boundaries in your own mind so that if he wants top reconnect again then you have your rules of engagement in place.

What happens in the future is more important than what happened yesterday, or even today. Take tomorrow as that pause to clear your head and smell the roses.

[Notwendy]

Sometimes my H will say something that is really disturbing to me, and then forget that he said it. It is hard to know what they mean and what they don't. Maybe they mean it in the moment, and one minute later, they don't.

I once was able to ask my H why he said something he admitted later was not true and his answer was " I said it to prove my point ".

Since you can't really know what he meant by that, as waverider said, make your decisions on your boundaries. If he wants to see other people, then the only thing you can decide is what kind of relationship you wish to be in. I hope you have a great weekend and some time to collect your thoughts.

[Kasina]

Hello Jessica,

I am so sorry that you are going thought this push/pull right now.

I don't have much to say to help you out right now as I am new here and trying to get involved but I can totally relate to you as I have been in this situation like yours with my BPDbf of two years.

Our relationship started this way he would keep shuffling from just being friends to being my bf until I put a stop to it by putting up a boundary by either being in this relationship or just ending it.things took turn from there and our relationship grew to be strong and we got engaged 3 months back and then out of nowhere he breaks up with me and now he's pushing me in to seeing and dating other people while he is trying to recycle one of his ex gf.

It's so hard for me to believe that he could do this after two years of relationship.

What I have figured out is that it's due to there self loathing and unworthiness and the fear of abandonment .As you said he keeps telling you that you are young and can find a better guy so I believe it's the testing thing...

For me what worked is that I thought to myself is this I really wanted ?dis I really loved him enough to deal with his issues.i made a decision to stay and started to learn tools to cope up with him and also ensured boundaries to what I will tolerate and when is it enough to walk away...

I can see how this on n off relationship and push  pull is affecting you.

Take time for yourself,think about it and focus on yourself .

Have a great weekend .