mother of BPD suffering son.

[cloudy sue]

just starting. technology is weird. hoping for connection in order to deal with the intense aloneness and grief i feel.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi cloudy sue,

You feel intensely alone and have so much grief -- understandable feelings when you have a loved one with BPD. And yes, I agree technology is weird! It took me a while to figure out how things worked, but this is a very warm and supportive support network here. If you have questions, often others have the same ones, or did when they started, and will be glad to help you find your way around.

How old is your child? Do you have other children in the home?

Not a lot of people understand mental illness or special needs, so it's hard for them to relate. They may give advice that just makes us feel more isolated and hurt. I hope you feel comfortable here and post more about your situation. It really does help. People here understand.

You're definitely not alone.  

LnL

[lbjnltx]

Hi cloudy sue

I am glad that you are here.

Technology and I have managed to find a way to get along... .it takes some practice and you will get the hang of it soon enough.  Please don't let it keep you from posting more when you are ready. 

If you need help with navigating the site don't hesitate to send a Personal Message to anyone on the staff... .all you have to do is put the cursor on their name that is on the header and type away.

Here's a   for being brave enough to make your first post.

lbj

[cloudy sue]

thanks for responding, whoever you are. it does feel like maybe somebody cares! i do have two other kids (16 girl and 17 yrs old boy. they are both great! my 17 yr. old son has had a lot of anguish because of his brother and is grateful that he gets to leave soon.) my BPD son just turned 20 and lives, on and off, in an ugly 5th wheel in our yard. it feels so white trash. . he has a girlfriend and they have dogs that are not supposed to be here and i am the only one who takes them for walks,  . and picking up dog poop. they keep telling me they are moving (even though he has no income) she works as a cna. i do think dogs are therapeutic, but, i will have to create a huge crisis if i enforce a boundary. my husband is a decent guy, he just has NO IDEA, even more than i have no idea how to cope with this. the amount of stuff i'm trying to accept is huge. that's the grief/mourning. i am triggered into big pain when i see acquaintances whose kids are in college, functioning, not in extreme mental anguish. i am very angry at how unfair it feels   it has taken SOO much of our energy for years.

now that i discovered that it is BPD, at least it makes some sense.

[lbjnltx]

We do care cloudy sue 

It's good to hear that your other kiddos are doing ok.  Is your 17 year old son going off after graduating high school?  What are his plans?

Having a place, outside your home for your s20 to live and where you can keep a relationship with him is a mixed blessing I'm sure. I can understand that you would have a dislike about him living in a trailer... .how other's might perceive it.  I learned a long time ago not to worry about what other's thought... .let them walk a mile in my shoes and then we'll talk!

Setting limits and boundaries with our BPDkids is usually not something we look forward to... .there is almost always fall out. At the same time, they need to learn that other people have needs, deserve respect, and life is filled with rules, limitations and difficulties.  What do you think would happen if you were to ask  your son to help you on Mondays and Thursdays to clean up the yard?  Notice I don't say tell him to.

There is a lot of info here to help you learn to set limits, boundaries and gain confidence in the skills that will help you, him, your family and your relationships.  The side bar----------> is where many of them are collected together. (scroll up to see them if you need to). Click on any one of them and you will be taken to another thread (topic) and you can read and reply with your thoughts or any questions you may have on that subject.

Most all of us moms can relate to your feelings of how unfair all of this is, how painful it is to see other parents sending their kids off to college.  Please try to remember that every family has their struggles... .seen or unseen.  Every child is different and has different paths in life to travel before they reach their full potential.  All we can do is love them through it.  How we do that is not intuitive... .that's why this site exists... .to teach us how.

lbj

[livednlearned]

my 17 yr. old son has had a lot of anguish because of his brother and is grateful that he gets to leave soon

I have a brother who seems to be undiagnosed BPD -- it was challenging to grow up with him to say the least. Looking back, I wish my parents protected themselves better, especially my mom. She really took things hard. uBPD brother may or may not have graduated from high school, and went on to get jobs in the trades. He can't work for other people so he is an independent contractor, works for himself and that seems to be a good fit for him.

I do think he matured a little around the time he was 25, which coincided with my parents developing some boundaries (they made him move out). Adolescence does not end until 25, according to psychiatrists. Some kids, like your son, and my brother, need more time to work on emotional skills, and learn directly from consequences.

Your other son might over achieve. I think it's common for the non-BPD children to suffer some different types of issues, like perfectionism. There is so much turmoil, it can feel like there's no room to mess up. I'm rambling a little here, just wanted to encourage you to take care of yourself even if there is some initial blowback for setting boundaries. I hope your husband can get on the same page so you both have each other to lean on.

Take time to learn the tools here and go as slow as you need to. I made some big mistakes because I was desperate for things to change, and wish in retrospect I had found this place and asked more questions so I could learn from others. It can feel overwhelming at first, but there are a handful of pretty basic things and like lbjnltx said, there are these lessons and tools to the right.

Above all else, be easy on yourself. You don't need one more person judging you, or talking you into the ground.  



LnL

[madmom]

I can so relate to what you said Cloudy Sue.  I have often had the same feelings of anger and envy over children of friends  success, college graduations, marriages, babies etc.---while being embarrassed etc. about my own daughter with BPD.  It has taken me a long time, and I am still working on i,t to accept that my daughter has to follow her own path, not necessarily the one I would choose for her.  It has been a number of years of pure hell, for myself, my husband, and her two brothers, but finally at 26 I can see improvements and have hope.  I learned so much from this site and when my husband and I got on the same page and set some difficult boundaries things did get better, but believe me---it was a real roller coaster ride and still is.  I hope you find this site to be as helpful and supportive as I have.  You are not alone.