Give a warning to ex that if the behavior continues, bla bla?

[momtara]

Quick background: My ex husband is uBPD and possibly has been diagnosed with bipolar by his current treating therapists (I've met them and have reason to believe this diagnosis based on medicine they've given him.)  He is largely fine when non-triggered. When something triggers him (minor medical problem for kids, a decision or problem regarding school, his parents -who he lives with - not being around) he gets angry for about three days. He does things that are not in the best interests of the children and has yelled at me at pickup, not directly hurting them but also being careless. Also has gotten into car accidents and other stuff when stressed and anxious, and gets controlling. He often lies to cover up all this stuff.  (Worst thing was making a false claim that I was abusing our kids years ago).  Our toddlers are both under 5. He also does little things to get revenge on me when he feels I made a decision he disagrees with, and I worry he could hurt the kids, although therapists TRY to pooh-pooh this. I just see the state he gets into.  He only has them every other weekend for one night (unsupervised).

Anyway, the last three times our son had to see the doctor for illness, ex did not show up, then spent the day calling, texting, and emailing me for information, no matter how many times I gave it to him. The last two times, I even talked to him briefly on the phone for 2-3 minutes to explain (which he wanted) but that did not dissaude him from the all-day onslaught of texts and calls.  (We recently had our first meeting with PC and she suggested I talk with him on the phone once in a while, but I am going to stop.)  Early on, I set boundaries and stopped answering the texts and calls, and asked him to call our doc if he had further questions. He claimed she wouldn't call him back (a lie).  Even not answering the calls all day long, it made it difficult to get work done. Can't turn off phone completely as I don't want to miss an emergency call. He even called my office thru the receptionist and I picked up not realizing it was him. It continued at night and I gave in and talked to him again but said I only had two minutes. That finally satisfied him.

But... .instead of talking about the illness, he brought up things he didn't like about our son's preschool teacher.  Unbeknownst to me, he had emailed her in the middle of the day telling her he didn't like her emails (updates on school stuff) and he told the teacher she was being 'ob noxious.'  Two days later he called and texted me half the day trying to get me to go in on a call to the teacher's supervisors.  I ignored him.  Eventually he did talk to them.  He shared his concerns, which are exaggerated of course (he thinks our kid isn't going to the bathroom enough and whatever, stuff like that.)  Then he emailed the teacher more to complain to her that she was unprofessional.  He could have handled it really differently.  It definitely makes me want to be careful how he talks to other professionals. This is public school so he ain't getting kicked out over a nutty father, but what about the future, if he berates, say, a piano teacher or babysitter?  I can't risk losing good professionals.  He probably did this all partly to get my attention.

I will bring all this to our PC's attention.  I am thinking that I have to send him an email also telling him my boundaries - from now on, if our kid goes to a doc appointment and he can't make it, I will send him one email (as I always do) running down what happened. He can email me back if he has more questions, and I will answer ONCE.  After that, he calls the doc.  if I get a series of texts, calls, and emails like the last three times, I will have to deal with it in court or via law enforcement next time.  I will tell him all this. 

I think it will send a strong message, and also, if he still can't control himself next time, a judge may see that at least I tried.  Ultimately if it gets worse I could try for sole decision making.  it is very hard to deal with a sick child and have an ex call you all day - my kids deserve me to be a focused and happy mom, not distracted by craziness.

We also have specifics in our divorce agreement that say no calls during work unless extreme emergency, and similar stuff, so it's all spelled out already.

Our PC is not the greatest, but I may stick with her through one more appointment and try to get ex to switch after that (which means going thru all our history again with a new person, but whatever).  I want to see how she handles all this.

I am also concerned he may be off his medicine again or not going to therapy, because he's starting to act worse (the things above are examples.)  He is much more high functioning than the exes with drug problems etc., but he scares me in that he ALWAYS has to do something vengeful or controlling if he doesn't get his way.  The fact that I wouldn't take his calls all day resulted in the mean email to the teacher. He also emailed me to claim he'd made an appointment for our child at a new practice in the next state (I found out it wasn't true) and he also failed to pick up our kids on time this week (at least he was in a good mood by then though). I had to stand inside a cold lobby with our kids waiting for him, then he texted at last minute he'd be there an hour later.  Our kids kept asking 'Is daddy coming?'  It's hard to comprehend someone who does things like that out of spite.

So lots going on, nothing immediate, but he keeps me in a state of panic because he goes through these 'triggered' times for 2-3 days and I can't focus.  Then he gets lovey dovey and wants me back.

My question is - is emailing a letter setting these boundaries ok, or should I just keep documenting and eventually go to court?  I think I'd rather first try to have him stop the madness when our son has a doc appointment, if he can control it.  If I send this letter and he still acts like this, then I find another way. I guess my question is, am I being wimpy by not taking this all to court already? I feel like I may not have enough for a major change, but I certainly might someday. (He opposes me on a lot of minor decisions for no reason, and our last PC helped convince him each time to do the right thing, but it's expensive. I think there will be bigger decisions in the future. I am doing a lot to avoid court, because I worry that court will trigger him over months while he's still taking the kids, and court doesn't always solve everything.)

Any thoughts about this or anything else are appreciated - I feel like I'll never truly be able to have a string of a few days when I'm not communicating with ex.  After 2 years I think he still wants to come back and be taken care of.  It's a shame, because our kids would have such a better life if they had two functioning parents working together in the same household, instead of one (me) struggling all the time. 

[ForeverDad]

LnL's judge set up a gatekeeping order, that all motions would first have to be reviewed by the court before filing was allowed. I'm wondering if the PC could set up something like that, any complaints about the professionals in your child's life has to be reviewed by the PC first?

Do you have sole custody or joint custody?  If joint, do you have tie-breaker or decision-making?  That status may determine how best to handle this.

Document all this, it may be useful later to show a pattern where his custody and/or parenting should be more restricted.

Do not entertain false hopes (what-ifs) that he will change.  If he does the unlikely, okay, let it surprise you, but until then... .  Was it Elijah who said, paraphrasing, ":)on't limp between two opinions"? (1 Kings 18:21)  Instead, devote your attention and energy toward a focused path.

[momtara]

We have joint legal, I have primary residential. There's no tiebreaker status but I was told that usually the residential parent can break ties - at least, a court would back that up.  Of course, ex would not like that so maybe I should have had it spelled out. 

The suggestion about professionals is a good one.  Thank you.

[Nope]

Our L told us not to make threats or give warnings. If you say, "If you continue to do X, then I will do Y." all you will likely get is more X behavior while they simultaneously try to figure out how to successfully thwart your attempts to do Y. The better plan is let your actions do the talking.

When DH writes an email he says things like, "In the future, please do not do X, please do B instead." That way you've made a very clear request for the desirable behavior and your request is documented by that email. All provable instances of the BPD doing X after that email is sent are just evidence that coparenting isn't working for your situation.

[momtara]

Oh, that's pretty interesting.  OK, good idea!

[momtara]

OK, I sent the email. I have trouble keeping such things short sometimes. He is high functioning and I want him to understand my reasoning. I don't want him to feel vengeful or non-validated. I think I got my point across about the constant calls/texts during work.

The only problem w/sending an email like this is, he will surely reply with something annoying. I have his emails automatically go to a separate folder that I don't look at too often.

[Hope0807]

Hi momtara,

I'm coming at you with some "inside" information here.  It's very good that you have something in your divorce document that says he should keep daily contact to emergencies only.  The problem is, PDs often take set boundaries as invitations to crash right through them.  So... .I strongly suggest you put together a very professional, matter-of-fact (unemotionally charged), brief document for your child's school to keep on file that alerts them to your ex's unstable tendencies in communication and that you suggest his emails and phone calls be ignored, and they simply contact you, instead.  If you phrase this appropriately and do it right, it can be a "living" document that travels with your child to school each year and kept on file.  You can even meet with the administrators briefly and state your request/concern in person and leave them with the document saying the same thing.  It will leave a lasting and important impression on them of your concern AND allow them to see that you are visibly composed and clear in insisting that these boundaries be set into motion for your child.  Most school systems now have electronic alerts for this sort of thing built right into the computer system so that when anyone pulls the child's name up on the computer, they can read a brief/important note such as "communicate with mom exclusively" and others.  The principal, teacher and counselors/nurse each year will be reminded of your special request and circumstances and will do their absolute best to abide by your wishes in the best interest of your child's well being.  In no time at all, it will become standard practice for the school staff and it will be one thing off your plate.  Do not mention diagnosis or anything particularly defamatory about your ex.  You can simply state that a previous pattern of communication from your ex to your child's school has historically been the cause of unnecessary stress and difficulties for all parties (stress to them that you are writing in the best interest of your child's well-being, which you are) and that unless there is an absolute emergency... .that you wish any and all communication to be streamlined through you, alone.  This is not unheard of in school systems.  You can run this by your attorney if you feel more comfortable, but you have options here to take back some control and start to simmer down what can very well be a lifetime of additional crisis management between your ex and your child's educators. 

Good luck. 

Quick background: My ex husband is uBPD and possibly has been diagnosed with bipolar by his current treating therapists (I've met them and have reason to believe this diagnosis based on medicine they've given him.)  He is largely fine when non-triggered. When something triggers him (minor medical problem for kids, a decision or problem regarding school, his parents -who he lives with - not being around) he gets angry for about three days. He does things that are not in the best interests of the children and has yelled at me at pickup, not directly hurting them but also being careless. Also has gotten into car accidents and other stuff when stressed and anxious, and gets controlling. He often lies to cover up all this stuff.  (Worst thing was making a false claim that I was abusing our kids years ago).  Our toddlers are both under 5. He also does little things to get revenge on me when he feels I made a decision he disagrees with, and I worry he could hurt the kids, although therapists TRY to pooh-pooh this. I just see the state he gets into.  He only has them every other weekend for one night (unsupervised).

Anyway, the last three times our son had to see the doctor for illness, ex did not show up, then spent the day calling, texting, and emailing me for information, no matter how many times I gave it to him. The last two times, I even talked to him briefly on the phone for 2-3 minutes to explain (which he wanted) but that did not dissaude him from the all-day onslaught of texts and calls.  (We recently had our first meeting with PC and she suggested I talk with him on the phone once in a while, but I am going to stop.)  Early on, I set boundaries and stopped answering the texts and calls, and asked him to call our doc if he had further questions. He claimed she wouldn't call him back (a lie).  Even not answering the calls all day long, it made it difficult to get work done. Can't turn off phone completely as I don't want to miss an emergency call. He even called my office thru the receptionist and I picked up not realizing it was him. It continued at night and I gave in and talked to him again but said I only had two minutes. That finally satisfied him.

But... .instead of talking about the illness, he brought up things he didn't like about our son's preschool teacher.  Unbeknownst to me, he had emailed her in the middle of the day telling her he didn't like her emails (updates on school stuff) and he told the teacher she was being 'ob noxious.'  Two days later he called and texted me half the day trying to get me to go in on a call to the teacher's supervisors.  I ignored him.  Eventually he did talk to them.  He shared his concerns, which are exaggerated of course (he thinks our kid isn't going to the bathroom enough and whatever, stuff like that.)  Then he emailed the teacher more to complain to her that she was unprofessional.  He could have handled it really differently.  It definitely makes me want to be careful how he talks to other professionals. This is public school so he ain't getting kicked out over a nutty father, but what about the future, if he berates, say, a piano teacher or babysitter?  I can't risk losing good professionals.  He probably did this all partly to get my attention.

I will bring all this to our PC's attention.  I am thinking that I have to send him an email also telling him my boundaries - from now on, if our kid goes to a doc appointment and he can't make it, I will send him one email (as I always do) running down what happened. He can email me back if he has more questions, and I will answer ONCE.  After that, he calls the doc.  if I get a series of texts, calls, and emails like the last three times, I will have to deal with it in court or via law enforcement next time.  I will tell him all this. 

I think it will send a strong message, and also, if he still can't control himself next time, a judge may see that at least I tried.  Ultimately if it gets worse I could try for sole decision making.  it is very hard to deal with a sick child and have an ex call you all day - my kids deserve me to be a focused and happy mom, not distracted by craziness.

We also have specifics in our divorce agreement that say no calls during work unless extreme emergency, and similar stuff, so it's all spelled out already.

Our PC is not the greatest, but I may stick with her through one more appointment and try to get ex to switch after that (which means going thru all our history again with a new person, but whatever).  I want to see how she handles all this.

I am also concerned he may be off his medicine again or not going to therapy, because he's starting to act worse (the things above are examples.)  He is much more high functioning than the exes with drug problems etc., but he scares me in that he ALWAYS has to do something vengeful or controlling if he doesn't get his way.  The fact that I wouldn't take his calls all day resulted in the mean email to the teacher. He also emailed me to claim he'd made an appointment for our child at a new practice in the next state (I found out it wasn't true) and he also failed to pick up our kids on time this week (at least he was in a good mood by then though). I had to stand inside a cold lobby with our kids waiting for him, then he texted at last minute he'd be there an hour later.  Our kids kept asking 'Is daddy coming?'  It's hard to comprehend someone who does things like that out of spite.

So lots going on, nothing immediate, but he keeps me in a state of panic because he goes through these 'triggered' times for 2-3 days and I can't focus.  Then he gets lovey dovey and wants me back.

My question is - is emailing a letter setting these boundaries ok, or should I just keep documenting and eventually go to court?  I think I'd rather first try to have him stop the madness when our son has a doc appointment, if he can control it.  If I send this letter and he still acts like this, then I find another way. I guess my question is, am I being wimpy by not taking this all to court already? I feel like I may not have enough for a major change, but I certainly might someday. (He opposes me on a lot of minor decisions for no reason, and our last PC helped convince him each time to do the right thing, but it's expensive. I think there will be bigger decisions in the future. I am doing a lot to avoid court, because I worry that court will trigger him over months while he's still taking the kids, and court doesn't always solve everything.)

Any thoughts about this or anything else are appreciated - I feel like I'll never truly be able to have a string of a few days when I'm not communicating with ex.  After 2 years I think he still wants to come back and be taken care of.  It's a shame, because our kids would have such a better life if they had two functioning parents working together in the same household, instead of one (me) struggling all the time. 

[Hope0807]

P.S. to my last post…definitely keep records of emails/phonecalls that have made to the school that are out of bounds (i.e. times that are not emergency or inflammatory in nature)

If it continues the courts will have no choice but to enforce motions that he be completely restricted from any and all contact with the school, period.

Quick background: My ex husband is uBPD and possibly has been diagnosed with bipolar by his current treating therapists (I've met them and have reason to believe this diagnosis based on medicine they've given him.)  He is largely fine when non-triggered. When something triggers him (minor medical problem for kids, a decision or problem regarding school, his parents -who he lives with - not being around) he gets angry for about three days. He does things that are not in the best interests of the children and has yelled at me at pickup, not directly hurting them but also being careless. Also has gotten into car accidents and other stuff when stressed and anxious, and gets controlling. He often lies to cover up all this stuff.  (Worst thing was making a false claim that I was abusing our kids years ago).  Our toddlers are both under 5. He also does little things to get revenge on me when he feels I made a decision he disagrees with, and I worry he could hurt the kids, although therapists TRY to pooh-pooh this. I just see the state he gets into.  He only has them every other weekend for one night (unsupervised).

Anyway, the last three times our son had to see the doctor for illness, ex did not show up, then spent the day calling, texting, and emailing me for information, no matter how many times I gave it to him. The last two times, I even talked to him briefly on the phone for 2-3 minutes to explain (which he wanted) but that did not dissaude him from the all-day onslaught of texts and calls.  (We recently had our first meeting with PC and she suggested I talk with him on the phone once in a while, but I am going to stop.)  Early on, I set boundaries and stopped answering the texts and calls, and asked him to call our doc if he had further questions. He claimed she wouldn't call him back (a lie).  Even not answering the calls all day long, it made it difficult to get work done. Can't turn off phone completely as I don't want to miss an emergency call. He even called my office thru the receptionist and I picked up not realizing it was him. It continued at night and I gave in and talked to him again but said I only had two minutes. That finally satisfied him.

But... .instead of talking about the illness, he brought up things he didn't like about our son's preschool teacher.  Unbeknownst to me, he had emailed her in the middle of the day telling her he didn't like her emails (updates on school stuff) and he told the teacher she was being 'ob noxious.'  Two days later he called and texted me half the day trying to get me to go in on a call to the teacher's supervisors.  I ignored him.  Eventually he did talk to them.  He shared his concerns, which are exaggerated of course (he thinks our kid isn't going to the bathroom enough and whatever, stuff like that.)  Then he emailed the teacher more to complain to her that she was unprofessional.  He could have handled it really differently.  It definitely makes me want to be careful how he talks to other professionals. This is public school so he ain't getting kicked out over a nutty father, but what about the future, if he berates, say, a piano teacher or babysitter?  I can't risk losing good professionals.  He probably did this all partly to get my attention.

I will bring all this to our PC's attention.  I am thinking that I have to send him an email also telling him my boundaries - from now on, if our kid goes to a doc appointment and he can't make it, I will send him one email (as I always do) running down what happened. He can email me back if he has more questions, and I will answer ONCE.  After that, he calls the doc.  if I get a series of texts, calls, and emails like the last three times, I will have to deal with it in court or via law enforcement next time.  I will tell him all this. 

I think it will send a strong message, and also, if he still can't control himself next time, a judge may see that at least I tried.  Ultimately if it gets worse I could try for sole decision making.  it is very hard to deal with a sick child and have an ex call you all day - my kids deserve me to be a focused and happy mom, not distracted by craziness.

We also have specifics in our divorce agreement that say no calls during work unless extreme emergency, and similar stuff, so it's all spelled out already.

Our PC is not the greatest, but I may stick with her through one more appointment and try to get ex to switch after that (which means going thru all our history again with a new person, but whatever).  I want to see how she handles all this.

I am also concerned he may be off his medicine again or not going to therapy, because he's starting to act worse (the things above are examples.)  He is much more high functioning than the exes with drug problems etc., but he scares me in that he ALWAYS has to do something vengeful or controlling if he doesn't get his way.  The fact that I wouldn't take his calls all day resulted in the mean email to the teacher. He also emailed me to claim he'd made an appointment for our child at a new practice in the next state (I found out it wasn't true) and he also failed to pick up our kids on time this week (at least he was in a good mood by then though). I had to stand inside a cold lobby with our kids waiting for him, then he texted at last minute he'd be there an hour later.  Our kids kept asking 'Is daddy coming?'  It's hard to comprehend someone who does things like that out of spite.

So lots going on, nothing immediate, but he keeps me in a state of panic because he goes through these 'triggered' times for 2-3 days and I can't focus.  Then he gets lovey dovey and wants me back.

My question is - is emailing a letter setting these boundaries ok, or should I just keep documenting and eventually go to court?  I think I'd rather first try to have him stop the madness when our son has a doc appointment, if he can control it.  If I send this letter and he still acts like this, then I find another way. I guess my question is, am I being wimpy by not taking this all to court already? I feel like I may not have enough for a major change, but I certainly might someday. (He opposes me on a lot of minor decisions for no reason, and our last PC helped convince him each time to do the right thing, but it's expensive. I think there will be bigger decisions in the future. I am doing a lot to avoid court, because I worry that court will trigger him over months while he's still taking the kids, and court doesn't always solve everything.)

Any thoughts about this or anything else are appreciated - I feel like I'll never truly be able to have a string of a few days when I'm not communicating with ex.  After 2 years I think he still wants to come back and be taken care of.  It's a shame, because our kids would have such a better life if they had two functioning parents working together in the same household, instead of one (me) struggling all the time. 

[momtara]

Thanks! That's good advice. Since this was really the first time he stepped over the line in an email to the school, I can't jump the gun just yet, but I will be keeping the email in case it happens again.

[david]

I have every email my ex sent me since 2007. I have folders putting them in some kind of order. The courts usually don't care about things after a few months but you never know when a pattern develops which can then be taken further back. I have a few of them and they are very helpful for my atty.

[momtara]

Well, I did send him an email and the behavior has stopped - at least, temporarily. Of course, some of it comes out in other ways. But at least I'm not getting crazy calls at work right now.

[david]

I stopped answering my phone when ex called. I let it go to voicemail. The calls lessened for a few months. She then started calling me from unknown numbers so I stopped answering calls that were not in my phone book. If she left a voicemail I put that number in my phonebook.

Ex continues to send me emails that I really don't think need to be sent. They are about things that have nothing to do with our boys. I put them in a folder and do not respond.

[rarsweet]

If you have joint custody I would not tell the school to ignore him, that could look bad in court. The school can take care of itself. You could simply ask the school to contact you if your ex contacts them though. I did this with our pediatrician. I simply told them we had joint custody so communication shouldn't be limited in any way, and asked them to contact the other parent when one of us calls, makes an appointment, or cancels one. I would document everything he says or does though. You could also get the Dr records after any appointments and give them to him, maybe do an email summarising after an appointment and then a copy of the record within a week?

[momtara]

I didn't say anything bad to the school. He has started another round of complaining to them. Since he can't engage with me, he engages with them. He CC's me on the emails. His teacher did ask to talk to me privately. I told her that I have to be careful what I say, but not to take it personally. Her responses to him via email did seem kind of defensive... .it's funny to see another person respond to BPD and how they get sucked into these long responses too. Teacher hasn't learned ":)on't engage."

New problem is that ex kind of bullies me into talking to him. I send an email about something related to our kids and he writes back he wants to talk on the phone about it. I've largely ignored these attempts. I need to get over my fear that if I don't do something to calm him down, he will get worse and worse. I have to just keep my responses minimal and to the point. We'll meet with our pc about a lot of this stuff.

I think he is off his antidepressants, which is why he's doing worse all of a sudden. Keeping an eye on that.

David, I haven't quite gotten to the point of being able to ignore everything, but I am learning.

[rarsweet]

When my ex calls I ignore it and when it stops ringing I email him" you were calling do you need something?' He doesn't respond. And of course I keep thr call log. Funny he never leaves a voicemail.

[david]

It took me a while (about two years) to learn to ignore. Then, it took another year to get good at it.

Recently S16 was sick. He vomited at his moms twice in the morning yet mom insisted he go to school. He missed the bus so mom drove him. She actually pulled to the side of the road to yell at him. He tunes out and does nothing when she gets like this. Long term I do have concerns for him. Anyway, he vomits in school and he calls his mom three times from the nurses office. No reply. He then calls me. I pick him up and that is when he tells me what happened that morning. He goes to bed as soon as we get home. I email ex letting her know. She replies that it is her custodial time and that I MUST bring him to her place. I reply that S16 is in bed, list all the symptoms (temp, nausea, chills, sore throat ) and what I will do if he doesn't improve the next day. Ex replies that I must return him. I gave her all the info she needed already and I didn't want to repeat myself. Sometimes I do but not always.

That evening I get a call from the police wanting to know what I am doing. I explain what I did and the email exchange. The police got it and asked me to reach out to ex again. I sent an email with all the symptoms again mentioning that officer x called and what we talked about.

I received an email from ex that was forwarded to me that she also sent to her atty telling the atty that I am in violation of the court order since it is ex's custodial; time. Ex never mentioned to her atty that S16 was ill or any of the circumstances that occurred.

A few days later S16 is taken out of class and sent to the nurses office. The nurse informs S16 that mom called her and told her I am not allowed to take him from school without ex's permission. He wasn't totally sure of the legal consequences so he told me he said little to the nurse. He said it sounded like the nurse was threatened by ex and the nurse was concerned of the legality. I listened to S16, explained that the court order gives both mom and I shared legal custody and what that means. I don't discuss such things unless I think it necessary given the circumstances. S16 seemed to think I would get in trouble and locked up again because of mom. That was an eye opener for me since he has never spoken about my arrest for years now.  We had a good conversation and I explained that I would never do anything that was not allowed in the court order and I would always do what I think is best for him and his brother.

Ex must have calmed down a few days later because I got several kind emails from her about things that did not pertain to the boys.

I am so used to ex's behavior nothing in this situation surprised me including the nice emails days later. I could not anticipate any of it but it did not shake me or distress me. It is what it is just like what happens when your body needs to get rid of the food you ate the other day.

[momtara]

It's good you were there to help him when he was sick. And good he talked to you and asked you about the legality. Ugh. I hate throwing up. It's the worst. Must have been even worse with a mom yelling at him.

[david]

Mom is a nurse ! She was yelling at him saying she didn't believe he was ill and that he needs his ___ kicked for being disrespectful ? I've noticed that she is getting worse with the boys lately so something is going on. I don't really try to figure the what out anymore but stay ready for whatever.

[rarsweet]

David... .about the bad acts and then nice emails. I notice this too, think its gaslighting? They do something negative then something normal and then act like you are unreasonable if you don't forget about the bad thing. Like a guy who punches you and then buys you flowers.

[Panda39]

I've noticed that she is getting worse with the boys lately so something is going on. I don't really try to figure the what out anymore but stay ready for whatever.

My SO's uBPDxw gets quiet and that's when we know something is going on... .her focus is elsewhere. Always the ticking time bomb.  Always some drama somewhere 

[david]

My guess is that when she calms down she realizes how unreasonable she was. She then feels bad and to relieve that bad feeling she sends a nice email. I think it is the way she cycles when triggered.