Do healthy people walk away?

[Loosestrife]

Do healthy people walk away? Does me staying in a relationship for 2 years wit someone with BPD  mean I am unhealthy too?

[Infern0]

Do healthy people walk away? Does me staying in a relationship for 2 years wit someone with BPD  mean I am unhealthy too?

It depends

I would nowadays consider myself "healthy" but I didn't walk away. That said my relationship is currently doing well but it's going the way I want it to. I have told her i'm here for her and always will be unless she force me away by being mean or nasty to me.

If you have lost control of the relationship and are still in it when you dont want to be... .its a problem

[Aussie0zborn]

I would suggest that healthy people walk away at the first, second, third sign of unhealthy behaviour. I questioned it but wanted to believe that they were all isolated incidents that, as per her promise, would never happen again.

The longer you stay, the longer you get damaged yourself and the longer it takes to heal. It is often said that you start behaving like them. I identified this in myself in one sense, but six months out of the toxic relationship I found myself in a personal situation where I didn't get my way and so I did what she would do... .manipulate.  I knew I was doing it and I knew exactly what to do but I couldn't stop myself and it worked.  I was suddenly overcome with shame and decided not to pursue it.

Eighteen months out and I was pulled up by a friend who looks up to me for seeking reinforcement when none was warranted. Again, manipulation. I'm constantly on the lookout for other learned behaviours.

So yes, I would say healthy people walk away very quickly. The smart ones run.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks both. I know being in the relationship is damaging me but I can't seem to walk away.

[Aussie0zborn]

The first step is acknowledging the relationship is damaging you and you have already done that. The next step is to seek professional help (ie: a therapist).

If you don't do that, at least talk to people close to you, keep them close before she drives them away, and never ever cover up her bad behaviours and transgressions towards you. If she hits you, tell everybody. She might take such offence that she actually does you the favour of leaving you seeing as you are too far into the FOG to do it.

In fact, I would say this is a good strategy as she won't want you if you don't cover up for her. That's part of your job, as far as she is concerned, and the more you do it the more she'll resent you for your weakness. She will never thank you for anything you do for her.

In the meantime, establish and  maintain boundaries to protect yourself. Maintaining those boundaries can often be a full time job but keep at it.

[Loosestrife]

I have found a good T, it's early days but I recognise that I have covered things up including 1 episode of physical abuse.  I think I did this as I hopedi could make things work. My partner has ended things twice - this has happened when I have maintained boundaries. Then we recycle and I am sucked back in. The recent tactics being employed by my partner is the 'martyr act' I.e telling me I desreve better and both of us shouldn't have to suffer due to mental illness.

[apollotech]

Thanks both. I know being in the relationship is damaging me but I can't seem to walk away.

If the relationship is perpetually damaging either party I strongly advise terminating the relationship. That is advice; I am not telling you what to do. A healthy, mature, loving relationship doesn't damage the participants; it enriches them.

I believe your question is a little black or white in that each of us has our own individual tolerance levels of what's acceptable and what's not acceptable. I did walk out of my relationship with my BPDexgf at the 8 month mark. Was my departure healthy for us both, yes. Did I stay in that relationship far longer than I should have, yes. Was the relationship damaging to both of us, yes (I became her primary enabler and a trigger.).

Hope kept me in the relationship. I saw problems very early on, problems that I knew were not conducive to a long term commitment. There were many warning signs, and I saw them. Because of my hope that things would eventually straighten out, I stayed. As her behavior/actions continued to worsen, I told her in a very non threatening way that when my hope is gone I will be gone as well. Unfortunately for both of us, I was forced to keep my word on that.

[Lucky Jim]

A healthy, mature, loving relationship doesn't damage the participants; it enriches them.

Nicely put, apollotech.  Loyalty is admirable, but can be misplaced in a BPD r/s.  Staying loyal to someone who is abusive is an unhealthy dynamic that unfortunately a lot of us Nons get stuck in.  We Nons tend to hope things will straighten out, as you note apollo, yet the reality is often a cycle of recurring rage, drama and abuse.  It doesn't stop, yet we stay much longer than we should.  I guess I'm a slow learner because I was married to a pwBPD for 16 years!  Thought I was stronger than BPD, but learned the hard way that BPD is far bigger and more complex than I thought.

LuckyJim

[Tim300]

Do healthy people walk away? Does me staying in a relationship for 2 years wit someone with BPD  mean I am unhealthy too?

I think it depends on the dynamics of the specific relationship.  Some pwBPD seem to keep the BPD symptoms contained for much longer than others.  If you know the person has BPD, that seems like a major factor in answering your question.  I think if you know the person has BPD and you've had time to read about BPD and reflect upon it, and you still have some great hope of white picket fences and so on, that you might perhaps be delusional.  A healthy person would eventually be able to step out of the fog and realize that the white picket fence route is unlikely.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks for the replies. I have looked up the FOG page and it is helpful.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Do healthy people walk away? Does me staying in a relationship for 2 years wit someone with BPD  mean I am unhealthy too?

I think it depends on the dynamics of the specific relationship.  Some pwBPD seem to keep the BPD symptoms contained for much longer than others.  If you know the person has BPD, that seems like a major factor in answering your question.  I think if you know the person has BPD and you've had time to read about BPD and reflect upon it, and you still have some great hope of white picket fences and so on, that you might perhaps be delusional.  A healthy person would eventually be able to step out of the fog and realize that the white picket fence route is unlikely.

My uBPDexgf did keep her symptoms contained for quite a long time. We were a couple for 9.5 yrs. I attributed her pulling away behavior early in our relationship to something else entirely. I also got the impression based on the things she said that she was the one who always wanted past relationships to work. When I think back to those things now I see how she was always looking for a rescuer or was always looking for a way out of them.

The biggest thing I missed tho was her idealization and devaluation of people. The way she talked about it early in our relationship didn't seem like anything other than a young person learning about life. When she actually began doing it to others in her 40s when we were together it seemd childish and immature to me. It wasnt until 3 months after she unceremoniously, and quite cruelly, ended our relationship that I learned that childish and immature behavior in a 40 something adult has a name. And for my exgf that name is BPD.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I think that people with good boundaries and a high level of self-worth would be in a better position to recognize when a relationship is not good for both participants.

There are a multitude of variables and factors that attract us to partners and that create a relationship.

For example, my husband and I were very young when we began our relationship.  Neither of us had matured fully.  We both did what needed to be done to keep ourselves afloat and the relationship in tact.

I knew something was wrong day to day, and very wrong at times.  Now I realize that I have a caretaking personality.  That benefitted him because he needed someone to "take care" of him.  It benefitted me because I needed to control situations.  The catch is I was always trying to smooth things over and keep control - impossible. A dog chasing his (her)  tail!   

Not being one to give up (a caretaking trait) I hung in there, hanging on for dear life at times.

Finally, I am working on changing myself.  I am in therapy.  I have read everything I can about BPD.  One day I googled "Walking on Eggshells" and found the book.  It made sense of my situation.

To answer your question, I think all of us are "unhealthy" for lack of a better word, in certain ways.  Nobody is perfectly healthy.  Every relationship has its challenges.   I am finding that there is a way to change old habits, to effectively cope, manage my interactions with my s/o.

If you adopt healthier habits, such as having good boundaries, taking care of yourself, letting the pwBPD take care of their own self, then the relationship will either become healthier or so lopsided that you will leave it.

Good luck in your quest.  You are not alone.  Most people on this site have asked the same question of themselves.

You only go around once, make the most of your life.

[hergestridge]

The reasons why you stay can vary a great deal and not all "stayers" live up to the co-dependent stereotype. Some relationships turn into a downward spiral, but that is not it worked for me.

I stayed with my BPDw for 20 years and in the end she left me.

For the first 10 years she was the dominant person and I did indeed "walk on eggshells", barely left the apartment to be honest. For the next ten years I worked a great deal on making a healthier environment in our relationship - living like a normal person, expressing my feelings, needs and expectations with great honesty.

My did wife did a really great job of making me think we had made progress. On good days we made plans for the future and there was just sunshine ahead. On bad days she gave me silent treatment, eventually delivering the dreaded list on things I need to "work on" so that there will be a good day again.

I don't know if you have to be unhealthy to get stuck in that loop. It's basically the same reason someone stays with an alcoholic - except the alcohol is invisible.

My wife always made sure never to cross the line to do things that you could actually confront her with without coming across as an ___hole. Could I blame her for missing me too much so that I had to stay at home? Could I blame her for being bored and not having fun on the dream vacation we planned? Could I blame her for wanting to have some fun with her friends just for once without me nagging about where she's been or about going to work and all that?

A couple of days later it was sunshine and plans for the future again. I didn't even notice when the denial and revisionism began, but somewhere along the way she just started claiming that she had no recollection whatsoever of some events. And the more potentially upsetting the events would be to me, the more likely it was that she would have forgotten about them.

At first I thought she lied. Then I started to think it was me.

My first break-up attempt was after 15 year. She cried for a while, then simply told me that she "... .had decided to stay". Then she stayed.

I don't know about being healthy or not... .

It would have taken a STRONG person to physically throw that mentally ill and sad person out of the house.

And it takes a very strong person to break up with the kind of "passive aggressive" BPD person that my wife is.

You kind of try year in and year out. You make some progress. She doesn't comply. You roll a boulder up a hill. It falls down.  

[Panda39]

Everyone has made good points.  I'd like to suggest you read about co-dependence too, do you see yourself as co-dependent?  If so your relationship is not healthy. (I speak from exprience married 19 years to an alcoholic)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

[Loosestrife]

Really helpful insights, thanks everyone. 

[Loosestrife]

[quote author=hergestridge link=topic=272858.msg12588139#msg12588139 date=1426075348

A couple of days later it was sunshine and plans for the future again. I didn't even notice when the denial and revisionism began, but somewhere along the way she just started claiming that she had no recollection whatsoever of some events. And the more potentially upsetting the events would be to me, the more likely it was that she would have forgotten about them.

At first I thought she lied. Then I started to think it was me.[/quote]
I can relate to this !

[Loosestrife]

I think that people with good boundaries and a high level of self-worth would be in a better position to recognize when a relationship is not good for both participants.

There are a multitude of variables and factors that attract us to partners and that create a relationship.

For example, my husband and I were very young when we began our relationship.  Neither of us had matured fully.  We both did what needed to be done to keep ourselves afloat and the relationship in tact.

I knew something was wrong day to day, and very wrong at times.  Now I realize that I have a caretaking personality.  That benefitted him because he needed someone to "take care" of him.  It benefitted me because I needed to control situations.  The catch is I was always trying to smooth things over and keep control - impossible. A dog chasing his (her)  tail!   

Not being one to give up (a caretaking trait) I hung in there, hanging on for dear life at times.

Finally, I am working on changing myself.  I am in therapy.  I have read everything I can about BPD.  One day I googled "Walking on Eggshells" and found the book.  It made sense of my situation.

To answer your question, I think all of us are "unhealthy" for lack of a better word, in certain ways.  Nobody is perfectly healthy.  Every relationship has its challenges.   I am finding that there is a way to change old habits, to effectively cope, manage my interactions with my s/o.

If you adopt healthier habits, such as having good boundaries, taking care of yourself, letting the pwBPD take care of their own self, then the relationship will either become healthier or so lopsided that you will leave it.

Good luck in your quest.  You are not alone.  Most people on this site have asked the same question of themselves.

You only go around once, make the most of your life.

Yes, life is precious so quality matters and that includes relationships. Lopsided is a good description!

[Mustbeabetterway]

Newton's Third Law of Motion

"... .in every interaction, there is a pair of forces acting on the two interacting objects. The size of the force on the first object equals the size of the force on the second object. The direction of the force on the first object is opposite to the direction of the force on the second object. Forces always come in pairs - equal and opposite action-reaction force pairs."

It occurs to me that this has happened in my relationship.  Once I pulled back on my caretaking habits, he stepped in and filled the void.  He began taking care of his own needs more.   I am speaking of things that every person should be doing for themselves. 

Amazingly, this frees me up to be more supportive because I am not so busy trying to do everything for both of us.  He has even begun to do more little things for me.  Give and take - wow.

There is more of a balance.  So there is hope, yes hope for the r/s.  Keep working on being the healthiest, happiest person you can be and things will be better for you.  After all, it is your life and you are responsible for it.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I have found a good T, it's early days but I recognise that I have covered things up including 1 episode of physical abuse.  I think I did this as I hopedi could make things work. My partner has ended things twice - this has happened when I have maintained boundaries. Then we recycle and I am sucked back in. The recent tactics being employed by my partner is the 'martyr act' I.e telling me I desreve better and both of us shouldn't have to suffer due to mental illness.

One more thing, Loosestrife.  I just saw that you experienced physical abuse.  So sorry for that.  Nobody should  be abused by another.  Totally unacceptable.  

I agree with Aussieborn, don't cover up.  Tell... .This is difficult.  That is one of the rules of these r/s is to keep secret what is really happening.  

Not even my best friends and family knew what was really going on in my r/s.  Once I let some light in on it, it had to change.  He was very upset that I told some trusted friends and family members about our "problems".  In my mind, if it everything is on the up and up, why should we keep it a secret?

My advice above is in the absence of physical abuse.  I wish you the best in your situation.  

[going places]

Do healthy people walk away? Does me staying in a relationship for 2 years wit someone with BPD  mean I am unhealthy too?

When I filed for divorce, I was not mentally healthy.

When I kicked him out, I was not mentally healthy.

3 months after he was gone? I started healing, getting mentally healthy.

Today? 8 months later, I am healthier... .I am left with some scars, and I do have 'bad days'... .but I am LIGHT YEARS ahead of where I was this time last year.

LIGHT YEARS.

Had I stayed?

He would have left, eventually

I was so emotionally wrecked I would have considered any option to make the pain stop... .

I am so glad, no matter how hard it is, so glad, I am not with him anymore.

Every day is better than the day prior.

[Lucky Jim]

I agree with Aussieborn, don't cover up.  Tell... .This is difficult.  That is one of the rules of these r/s is to keep secret what is really happening.   

Not even my best friends and family knew what was really going on in my r/s.  Once I let some light in on it, it had to change.  He was very upset that I told some trusted friends and family members about our "problems".  In my mind, if it everything is on the up and up, why should we keep it a secret?

Totally agree, Mustbeabetterway, and Aussie.  Silence is the ally of abusers.  Speak up.  Let the light in.  No secrets.

LuckyJim

[hergestridge]

Totally agree, Mustbeabetterway, and Aussie.  Silence is the ally of abusers.  Speak up.  Let the light in.  No secrets.

LuckyJim

I agreed wholeheartedly. Tell it like it is. Make no excuses on your partner's behalf.

However - and is always a "however" in BPD-land - pwBPD also think like this in their own twisted way, which leads to another mind___ scenario which I'm sure some of you are familiar with;

BPD partner stuff their friends and acquaintances full of crap about how *you* abuse, control and manipulate them (untrue). You confront BPD partner with this, BPD partner admits she/he has been telling lies only to gets sympathy and promises to stop.

Next thing that happens is that BPD partners tells all friends and acquaintances that you have been trying to silence them.

This is the kind of stuff that went on through the years until I felt like the abuser. And silence became my ally because whenever there was talking the words were twisted and used against me.

[FigureIt]

I can say when I met my current uNPDbf I was not healthy. I was coming out of a 9yr marriage from a verbally abusive narcissist and my bf said all the right things. I opened myself up to him and since he has used every bad thing, insecurity I have ever shared against me. 

I think now I'm healthy, but getting out is hard.  I don't really love him anymore after all the hurt, (every week I'm somehow in the wrong on something). But, I'm am not financially able to leave. I don't want another man, I'm good with being alone.

Sometimes I just feel helpless... .

[Loosestrife]

Hi thanks again for the replies. I'm sorry you have all been through crap too. I have told some friends and they are horrified and no longer support me if I continue in the relationship - you really know who your friends aren't when you need them!

FigureIt - I hope you can find a way out soon  

[ThanksForPlaying]

This is the kind of stuff that went on through the years until I felt like the abuser. And silence became my ally because whenever there was talking the words were twisted and used against me.

Sometimes she tells me how abusive I am and I literally tell her "that sounds horrible, if a friend told me that I would tell them to leave the relationship" and then she gets mad at me for "making @sshole comments".

It can get confusing. Probably means a mutual breakup is for the best... .But hard to do.

[Loosestrife]

This is the kind of stuff that went on through the years until I felt like the abuser. And silence became my ally because whenever there was talking the words were twisted and used against me.

Sometimes she tells me how abusive I am and I literally tell her "that sounds horrible, if a friend told me that I would tell them to leave the relationship" and then she gets mad at me for "making @sshole comments".

It can get confusing. Probably means a mutual breakup is for the best... .But hard to do.

I may use this- thanks!