introduction

[Phyllis]

I am new, i need support and knowledge and guidelines.

It has just become clear to us that our eldest child, our daughter suffers from BPD  

For 39 years i have felt i have been a bad mother, not being able in anyway to respond to her needs or build a working relationship that could be good for us and our family. [she is the oldest of 8]I have spent many years and hours in therapy trying to understand what i am doing wrong.

Today, and i mean today, i objectivly understand that it is not me.  I have a good loving relationship with the other children.

recently she rejected everyone in the family with a rage of hateful and hurtful statements and in the past six month nothing has changed.

she is married and has four lovely boys.

i hope this is a good start of a little of why i have joined.

Phyllish

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Phillis 

I'm so glad that you have come to realize that all of the responsibility for your daughter's behaviors don't fall on your shoulders.   

As we as parents come to realize this we can begin to let go of the guilt we have carried with us.  39 years is a very long time to have carried this burden.

As you learn about this disorder you can also learn that there are ways to prepare yourself to have a better relationship with your daughter... .this will trickle down into having relationships with your grandchildren as well.

Please check out the tools and lessons in the side bar to the right of our posts.  There is a lot there to read, absorb and begin to put into practice.

Be patient with yourself, it is going to take some time and we will be here to help you understand and support you in your efforts.  We also want to help you take care of your own needs so that you can be the healthiest Phyllis possible!  This is paramount as it provides us the best opportunity too help our kids and relationships with them and others in our lives.

lbjnltx

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, there &

It's pretty awful when we are having no contact with one of our children, and the pain of wanting a close relationship and not being able to have that can be devastating... .I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this; my own son and his wife were No Contact with us a couple of years ago for quite a long time, and I really did lose sleep over it and suffered from it.

I would like to join lbjnltx in mentioning the links to the right-hand side of this page... .THE LESSONS and the TOOLS can give you a good handle on how your daughter's mind works, and help you learn how to deal with the troubles and trauma related to that. We also have some Feature Articles (they are linked to under the 4 photos on the Parenting Board's thread listing page) that are very enlightening.

Whether your child is young or an adult, diagnosed or not, in Therapy or not, all of the information mentioned above is very helpful in giving us the information we can use to make things better... .For ourselves, and even our children when the right time comes for them to engage with us. I'm really sorry for your sadness and pain, and I hope to hear more of your story so we can help you 

[qcarolr]

I have spent many years and hours in therapy trying to understand what i am doing wrong.

Today, and i mean today, i objectivly understand that it is not me.  I have a good loving relationship with the other children.

Hi Phyllis - 

I join the others in welcoming you to our community here.

Understanding that "it is not me" - what a great step toward healing this is for you. There are so many parents on this board that share in the need to overcome years of distorted thinking around our impact as parents. Guilt and shame are very powerful emotions/thoughts. Even if I had known all these tools and skills when my BPDDD28 was young, she would still have many issues today. It has taken a long time to absorb the truth that I am not the 'cause' and begin to integrate this into myself. 

The underlying issues that lead to BPD characteristics can vary person to person, and are complex. I hope that working you way through the resoureces here will help you. #1 -- take care of yourself, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Find that bit of joy in each day, it is there.  #2 -- find new ways to communicate with your D. I practiced on everyone else (which improved those relationships too) then gradually was able to apply them with my DD. It can get better as it has in my home. Patience and perseverance.

Keep coming back - let us know how things are going - what questions you have.

qcr

ps. click on the FOUNDATION READING link to the right. There are some good videos there that might jump start this journey.