Wife out of town, wants to come back...

[gomez_addams]

uBPD wife recently did five or so weeks in a residential treatment facility (eating disorder, not for BPD).  She's been with her family for the past few weeks, and seeing an outpatient therapist.  She wants to buy a plane ticket back here for May.

I'm not ready.  In fact, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready.  This past month and a half has been amazing.  Peaceful.  I've learned a ton about how in the FOG I've been.  Much, much more than I realized.

I know that the separation has been good for me, but I have no idea if it's been good for her.  She's probably been getting an earful about "going back to her husband."  I'm starting to believe that there is no "good" situation for her.  That she'll find the bad in everything, no matter what.

I'm trying to talk her in to staying longer.  I really don't want to go the nuclear route and shut off her access to money to prevent her from buying a ticket.  There's no reasoning with her.  She says she's ready to come home, but she's not ready to talk about this topic on the phone with me.  (seriously, how big a red flag is that?)

I guess I just need to vent a bit.  We're supposed do a family session with her ED therapist.  I don't know if that will ever happen.  I'd rather have the discussion about coming back with the therapist.  I doubt the therapist knows of the suicidal ideation, that she tells me she prays that I die, threatening to hit me, putting a hole in the hallway door, and the rest of the typical BPD behaviors.  Screams something at me one day (or repeatedly over time), and then denies every having said it the next... .and that I have a mental disorder that causes me to invent things and believe them.

Is DEARMAN the route to go?  DEARMAN is not easy stuff, but I'm going to practice in the mirror tonight/tomorrow.

Divorce, separation, or together... .I want her to be healthy.  I'm to the point of realizing I can't help her.  I get sick of the threats of divorce, followed by the wailing and gnashing of teeth when I suggest a temporary separation.  She "can't do outpatient while living under the same roof", but gets hypercritical when I suggest she stay back home with her family and work on the out patient a little longer.

Thanks for listening,

Gomez

[Aussie0zborn]

Wow, look at you. I wish I had such a healthy insight when I was at that stage and was able to identify exactly what was going on.

You recognise the FOG, you're aware of what's happening and why, you've answered all your own questions and you've got four aces in your hand. And yet... .you're undecided.

If you're going to spend money on a therapist, how about you spend one for yourself only seeing as you are undecided.

It's great that you want her to be healthy but she prays that you die?  Oh dear, why are you with this person?

Please invest the therapist money in one for yourself only. One that knows what DEARMAN stands for would be good and one that can show you that, as you suggested, you can not help her would be even better. As I said, you already know the answers so maybe you just need that professional opinion to act on what you know is best for you. There is nothing selfish about protecting yourself.  Maybe once you have confirmed that you can't help, your decision will be easier. Good luck.

[gomez_addams]

Wow, look at you. I wish I had such a healthy insight when I was at that stage and was able to identify exactly what was going on.

You recognise the FOG, you're aware of what's happening and why, you've answered all your own questions and you've got four aces in your hand. And yet... .you're undecided.

If you're going to spend money on a therapist, how about you spend one for yourself only seeing as you are undecided.

It's great that you want her to be healthy but she prays that you die?  Oh dear, why are you with this person?

Thanks for the bit of encouragement.  Divorce is mostly unheard of in either of our families.  That's a strong cultural pull to stay together, despite all the red flags and what-not.

Just spoke to her on the phone.  She's insisting that I decide "stay or come back"... .frustrating, because what I was asking is "let's wait to decide until we can both talk to your therapist together."  I really, truly think she wants me to divorce her (so she can be innocent, but get to be a victim, or something).

I'm feeling the end is near with this marriage, and I think I'm starting to feel alright with that.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

Wow, look at you. I wish I had such a healthy insight when I was at that stage and was able to identify exactly what was going on.

Also want to comment, for any folks lurking on the boards who are just learning about living with a BPD significant other: this place is a great resource.  I'm certainly much further along in my personal ability to handle things than I was six months ago.

And I do have a therapist who understands BPD.  This forum, the lessons on BPDCentral, and a therapist who understands BPD (for the non) are crucial.

The six week vacation without my BPDSO has been a huge help, too.

Gomez