My Introduction... Hello all

[verooca66]

Hello everyone! I'm grateful to become a part of this group and am looking forward to joining in the discussions. I'll try to keep this brief, but as most of you know, it's hard to sum up life with a child with BPD in a few paragraphs.

My daughter has always been emotional and a bit of a "drama queen," but the family (including myself, sadly) just thought it was a more a personality trait than something more serious. She cried out for help in her own way, and we made bumbling attempts to help, but we just did not see the darkness that she was experiencing until this past summer. She was living in another state, and one day I got a text from her father to call him. Our youngest daughter (19 years old) was in the emergency room after an overdose. Thus began our introduction to mental illness in general, and BPD specifically. She spent 10 days in a psychiatric hospital and returned home. This put our family in chaos (she has an older brother and sister) and I immediately flew up to try to figure out what to do.

While I was there, she was released from the hospital and made threats to commit suicide again and spent a night in the psychiatric ward at the hospital. In the past, she had been diagnosed with depression and/or bipolar. I never thought it made sense, but it was all we had to work with. After this last stay in the hospital, her diagnosis was changed to "borderline personality disorder". While this new diagnosis was scary and potentially debilitating for her, it fit her perfectly. Having an accurate label can now help us move on to appropriate treatment.

After a summer spent with her by my side, she moved to where I'm living. She is living in a house about 1/4 mile from us, and I supervise her closely and help her function (probably for the rest of her life). A few weeks after moving here, she overdosed again and spent 2 weeks at a psychiatric treatment center. It's been a few months since then, and she is now on medication and sees a therapist regularly. She is able to have a part time job, and has our support while being able to live independently.

As a result of these events, the family was torn apart. Basically, there is my oldest daughter and I on one side who believe that this is legitimate and something that she needs help with... .and her father and brother on the other side who believe that she is doing this for attention and she just needs to grow up and quit being selfish. Her father has just given up and doesn't want anything to do with it. Through countless conversations with my son, he is finally starting to see this as a legitimate issue. My daughter is working on issues in her past regarding her father, but she has a long way to go.

I'm looking at a whole new rest of my life - being a caretaker for someone with a mental illness, and quite frankly, it scares me. I'm hoping I have the strength and patience. There are still rough patches, but I'm also seeing a therapist and reading all that I can to learn how to communicate effectively with her and set boundaries while still being there for her when she needs me. I do feel that she has made progress since the summer... .but we have a LONG way to go.

If you are still reading, thank you... .and I look forward to the advice and insights from those of you who are experiencing the same thing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi verooca66 

Welcome to the Parenting Board and bpdfamily.com, we are so glad to have you here sharing your story with us and allowing us to support you.

You have had a rough 9 months!  I'm glad to know that your daughter is finally getting the help she needs through medication, proper diagnoses, and therapy.

What kind of therapy is she doing?

I'm sure you are relieved to be able to keep close contact and give her support daily,... .and this also comes with feeling a heavy weight on your shoulders.  I would hope that through continued and consistant therapy your daughter will become more emotionally stable and work her ways towards more independence from you.

It's hard when we feel we have to convince others... .especially close family... .that there is a real and identifiable illness present in our children.  All we can do is be patient and hope that they will get onboard in helping to support our child. 

We are here to support you in taking care of yourself, learning about the disorder and learning communication skills that can help you both.

Does your other daughter live nearby so that she can help support you and her sister in her recovery?

lbjnltx

[livednlearned]

Hi verooca66,

I wanted to join lbjnltx in welcoming you to this group, and to say hello. I'm so glad your D19 is ok, and that she was hospitalized so she could not overdose. You have had a lot to deal with this past year, and like you said, it can be both scary to learn about BPD, and a relief too.

her father and brother on the other side who believe that she is doing this for attention and she just needs to grow up and quit being selfish. Her father has just given up and doesn't want anything to do with it.

It is sad that this is where he is right now, but who knows, he may grow into a more compassionate understanding over time. Or not. Sometimes people are afraid and they cannot budge from familiar patterns because that means they have to look at themselves, and that's uncomfortable. It sounds as though he does not understand what the diagnosis means, otherwise he would recognize that the treatment is essentially to help his D learn to manage her emotions and develop self-awareness.

Sorry to pick on him -- my ex took it very hard when my son was diagnosed with a bunch of things at age 9, so I have a sore spot about unsupportive fathers.  

It is good that your D has a part-time job! That's an important positive to hold onto. And she is close by, and her sister understands and is willing to learn more about BPD so she can support her, which means you are not alone in this.

I can understand why you would feel afraid of being your D's caretaker for life. It's early in the process, and there is so much to learn and discover. You may have the strength and patience, and I hope too that you will learn good boundaries and take good care of yourself. That is a silver lining -- the permission to take good care of yourself so that you can be a good carer for your D.



LnL

[verooca66]

Thank you for the welcome! Wow... .it HAS been 8 months, hasn't it? I guess time flies when you're in survival mode, huh?  I guess we've made it further than I gave us credit for!

My ex-husband, oldest daughter (22) and son (21) all live close to each other in another state. My youngest (19) and I live in another state 3,000 miles away. Not the most optimal situation, but in some ways it has been a blessing to be able to remove my daughter from the caustic and dysfunctional situation she was in and get her far, far away! Her father, sadly, will probably never be able to the nurturing, supportive person she wants him to be.

Currently, she is only in individual therapy. The nearest counseling center that offers any kind of behavior therapy (DBT being at the top of my list) is about 100 miles away, so we haven't been able to make that commitment yet. One major concern of mine is that because she's technically an adult, I do not have much input in her care and treatment (even though she clearly needs an advocate in that area!). I have been encouraging her to share deep issues with her therapist so that she can process them with a professional, but I'm not sure if she has been... .sometimes my hands feel tied since she is over 18.

I really appreciate your thoughts and look forward to more conversations! 

[lbjnltx]

Hi again verooca66!

Glad to see you back.

You're right... .time goes by so fast when we aren't paying attention to it.

Finding a true DBT with all the components in place is hard for most all families.  Is your daughter wanting DBT?  There are online coaches and support if she is truly self motivated.

How is she doing lately? 

Though her therapist can't talk to you about her that doesn't mean  you can't share any concerns you have with the t (therapist).  The t can listen to your concerns.  Also, it would be wise to attend therapy with your daughter from time to time... .if she is open to that.  I believe that your d has the option to sign a release form that would allow the t to talk you... .the t would need to also feel ok with that.

How can we help you?  What do you need support with... .need to learn to better cope and have more peace of mind?

lbj

[verooca66]

My daughter has been fairly stable recently, thank goodness. My biggest challenge right now is figuring out a way to get her to remember to take her meds. Sometimes she'll go a week or two without taking them (it starts out as forgetting, and then she just stops... .it's so frustrating!). I know this is common, but I haven't yet figured out how to make sure she takes them. She has begun setting her alarm to remind her, so hopefully that helps.

As far as DBT goes, whether or not she would be willing to try it just depends on the day. I have looked at online courses, and that may be the best option for her at this time. I'll talk to her about it and test the waters. 

In the past, she's been very good about signing release forms so that I could communicate with her health care providers. For some reason, though, I'm reluctant to request this of her therapist. Although my daughter has trust in me, I don't want her knowledge that I have access to her therapist impede her willingness to share and process deep issues (some of which might involve me!). It's a bit complicated, for sure. The therapy sessions together is a great idea, though... .I might look into that! We see two different therapists at the same clinic at the same time, so that would probably be easy to arrange.

What do I need? Oh boy, that's a tough one! I think that now that we've settled into a routine and I've started counseling and reading up on communication, things have gone a bit better. I'm learning to truly listen and to not say those things that we all just naturally say when trying to help. I'm sure as scenarios present themselves I will be asking for advice from ya'll... .this will be a great place to vent and brainstorm and help me process.

[qcarolr]

verooca66   

Sounds like things have settled. It is so good that your D is attending her therapy sessions. My DD28 resists - not trusting people in general. She has signed a limited release for me to speak with her T about things not related to what is shared in sessions. I am welcome to share any concerns I have, assist with getting her to appointments (setting them up and transportation). Even though there are some in our life that think of this as 'enabling', it is a true need for her. Thankfully she has a close friend (bf) right now that she seems to be opening up to about many many losses in her life. I think this is providing a 'safe place' for her to process her emotions opened up by her T sessions. Many of her issues involve me -- I am not a safe place to her. He is strong with his personal boundaries - takes breaks away as needed - and always returns. He also has experienced life by her side in some dangerous situations. He is fully aware of the depth of her stimulant addiction and is supporting her staying clean. Today is #22.

So maybe you are providing this 'safe place' for your D to process all the emotions that sometimes take possession of her life. Remember to continue taking care of yourself. Working with T's at the same clinic does give you some opportunities for joint sessions that will benefit both of you.

The other thing to remember. Your D is still quite young. Developmental maturity often comes around the age of 25. My DD started being more open to self-reflection (when not under drug influences). I also had learned some better ways to communicate with her with the TOOLS in the right side-bar. Patience has great value, and calm consistent validation.

Keep us posted.

qcr

[verooca66]

qcr, thank you for those words! I hadn't thought about her age and the fact that some of this may decrease as she matures more. I guess I just see her stuck at this emotional age forever.  :'(

She had a rough day yesterday... .I got multiple texts about how much her life sucks, etc. I am a special education teacher and having to read those texts during the school day while dealing with special needs children is especially draining. She asked me last night to visit with her, and I must admit that after a 10-hour work day, I was not in the mood nor did I have the energy. I mustered up the strength and muddled through a semi-supportive conversation with her. I've been trying some communication strategies that I've learned about, and that does seem to help. It REALLY helps when she is trying to deflect and change the subject. 

Thanks again!