Did you know your ex had BPD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Before or very early on into your relationship, did your ex ever tell you he/she had BPD?

If your ex did tell you, what was your initial impression? Did you already know about BPD? Did you go and research it afterwards? Did you initially believe you could handle the disorder? What kept you from turning your back on this person during the early stages?

[paperlung]

Before or very early on into your relationship, did your ex ever tell you he/she had BPD?

If your ex did tell you, what was your initial impression? Did you already know about BPD? Did you go and research it afterwards? Did you initially believe you could handle the disorder? What kept you from turning your back on this person during the early stages?

[JRT]

I knew that she had a traumatic childhood... .I knew that there were some things that were odd about he and unusual about our r/s (but not highly)... .I felt that she had an unproductive way of dealing with problems... .I saw that her son was very troubled... .I thought that it was unusual that we suddenly broke up, several times, over nothing in retrospect but the duration and depth were decreasing. When we reconciled, she always said "I need to see someone'... .I thought that her need for control in situations was subtle but noticeable and probably a sing of 'something'... .

It wasn't until her 'disappearing act' and all the unusual characteristics associated with it that I went digging. After all, normal couples that have problems voice them to their partner and work to overcome them. I first came to the conclusion that she was an ACoA (adult child of an Alcoholic). But that jsut seemed to be part of the story. I kept on digging and found myself here and rightfully so: DEFINITELY a BPD.

So, it wasn't until after the fact but I don't know that if I had known anything about it, that I would have been able to do anything to have effected a different outcome. 

[Invictus01]

Didn't know she had it. I doubt she knows herself. She is high functioning, so I don't think she will ever go for evaluation. The reason I started looking into this was because our relationship ended so surreal, nobody could understand what happened. Nobody except one of my friends who dealt with a BPD guy before. She saved me. I thought I was going nuts because my brain just couldn't compute what happened to me... .

[JRT]

Didn't know she had it. I doubt she knows herself. She is high functioning, so I don't think she will ever go for evaluation. The reason I started looking into this was because our relationship ended so surreal, nobody could understand what happened. Nobody except one of my friends who dealt with a BPD guy before. She saved me. I thought I was going nuts because my brain just couldn't compute what happened to me... .

Mine ending was also surreal... .I'm interested in hearing what happened to yours. Don't mean to hijack the thread... .feel free to PM me.

[BatMasterson]

Looking back, all the signs were there.   But, unless you're aware of BPD and because of the early behavior, most end up discounting the warning signs and moving ahead.

For me, history of early childhood sexual abuse, a mother who didn't want her, risky behavior with a couple of sexual assaults post-divorce, an abusive ex-husband who controlled her, a series of short-term (2-3 month) relationships with whom she termed "boring", "losers", etc.  Spontaneous behavior - spur-of-the-moment 2nd marriage that lasted 2 months, would make cruel jokes about both ex's and other people, lot's of ex's and others hanging around, narcissistic tendencies, lack of self-control outside of her career, hot temper etc

All of this got excused by me because (apparently) I was her "first love", she'd never met anyone like me, made me swear never to leave her, made me feel like a hero, etc.  we shared *everything*, were soulmates, etc.   Then everything started to change after about a year and it didn't matter how much I tried to be better, to do more for her, to be more accepting of being rejected, being lied to, not being taken into consideration.   What I can't figure out is why I still think about her everyday and why I would even consider taking her back.

[Gonzalo]

Mine doesn't believe she has it, just that she had some PTSD but has had treatment for it. There's a lot that she told me that point to BPD symptoms - in her history a few anecdotes about her getting furious over minor things, short intense relationships where she switched life goals dramatically, talking about shouting and arguing like it's normal, issues remembering things that happened, end of each relationship not making sense to her, and the like. I didn't get how mirroring and love bombing can work, so our initial connection seemed like we were just two people who fit together amazingly well.

I was searching online for help with what I was feeling, and kept coming across things that say 'sounds like your partner has BPD'. I didn't believe it at first, but over time I began to realize that what I was reading about BPD explained what I was seeing in her very completely. I tried to get her help, and at the end even gave an ultimatum that if she'd admit it and get help I would stay with her, but she never believed it, she just thought everything was my fault. Now she's got a circle of people who will reinforce that she's fine and everyone else is wrong, so I don't think she'll listen to me any time soon.

[tjay933]

mine still doesn't believe he has it. he did lie about other things that he should have disclosed to me before we got married-it would have made a difference in if we got married but he intentionally withheld information that I should have been told. probably knew I'd say no if I knew-dirty on him but that's life.

[JRT]

  What I can't figure out is why I still think about her everyday and why I would even consider taking her back.

Brother, you ain't the only one... .I should be more mentally engaged watching paint dry.

[Invictus01]

Looking back, all the signs were there.   But, unless you're aware of BPD and because of the early behavior, most end up discounting the warning signs and moving ahead.

Exactly. It is almost like watching an awesome entertaining sports event but not knowing the rules. The ref might be throwing around different color flags, making calls, etc but you have no idea what that all means because you don't know the rules. Once the game is over, you go and read up rules, think back about the game and go - well, duh, of course that's why that and that happened!

[Invictus01]

Didn't know she had it. I doubt she knows herself. She is high functioning, so I don't think she will ever go for evaluation. The reason I started looking into this was because our relationship ended so surreal, nobody could understand what happened. Nobody except one of my friends who dealt with a BPD guy before. She saved me. I thought I was going nuts because my brain just couldn't compute what happened to me... .

Mine ending was also surreal... .I'm interested in hearing what happened to yours. Don't mean to hijack the thread... .feel free to PM me.

After 6 months of making me feel like I was the center of her universe, like she is "the one", "the soul mate", literally overnight something changed, our communication went to almost nothing and within two weeks I was dropped with a text after I asked her to tell me what was going on. That was 3 weeks after she introduced me to her mother and the mother's boyfriend. If I had to guess, her mother told her that she liked me or something along those lines (my ex told me she has never seen her mother behave so nicely when she meets the new guy) and since there is just so much red hot hatred and animosity towards the mother (my ex even changed her last name so that she isn't associated with her mother at all), that was enough to paint me black.

[JRT]

Yeah... .that is pretty crazy.

My ex sold all of her furniture and moved into my house. On a Tuesday night of which the weekend prior we went to order our wedding rings, all was normal. We were talking about the weekend and then planning for a party she wanted to have. I went out of town that night for business and spoke to her when I landed. There was nothing suspect and the same the next morning, just the usual kinds of text messages.

Later in the afternoon I received a text that said: 'Our relationship is over... .I have moved out... .don't ever try to contact me'. She blocked me from contact and I have not heard from her since.

It is hands down the most bizarre thing that ever happened to me. 

[tjay933]

kind of weird question-are you sure that she wasn't kidnapped or something? have you checked with her friends/family to make sure that she did leave you and wasn't forced to send the email-that she is alright? yes, it is a weird question.

[JRT]

kind of weird question-are you sure that she wasn't kidnapped or something? have you checked with her friends/family to make sure that she did leave you and wasn't forced to send the email-that she is alright? yes, it is a weird question.

The thought DID occur to me but no... .as I attempted to contact family members, she sent an angry text to me warning that she would call the cops on me. She then unfriended all of my friends on FB and over the next few days, convinced all of her contacts that they should do the same - successfully. I tried to call from the unblocked hotel phone and sent a couple of emails (they were blocked but one made it through), to which the response was a letter from an attorney threatening to file a PPO for 'stalking'.

I tired calling her on xmas eve three months after the fact and got a call from the local cops.

So no; she was not kidnapped. I am leaving a LOT out here but that's the basic story. She triggered literally over night and that was that.

[Invictus01]

kind of weird question-are you sure that she wasn't kidnapped or something? have you checked with her friends/family to make sure that she did leave you and wasn't forced to send the email-that she is alright? yes, it is a weird question.

Um, yeah, in my case, she is alive and well. After not hearing anything from her in 5 weeks, she dropped me a "Merry Christmas" using WhatsApp while I was visiting family in Europe. You see, I was supposed to send her a picture a day from Europe using WhatsApp. I ignored that Merry Christmas. We also exchanged texts about a month ago. One from me, one from her. I told her that I loved her and no chance in hell I would stay her "friend" like she wanted me to, not until I'm over her. She replied in a cold manner, turning everything as if it was all about her and again told me she wanted to be friends. I didn't reply. I love her (or at least the version of her she presented to me), but I will never talk to her again. Going forward, it is all about what's best for me. And staying in contact with her is not.

[tjay933]

ok-just me thinking outside the box is all-wanted to make sure. you hear of stories of "why didn't anyone report them missing" scenarios and wanted to make sure her missing was from BPD and not something else.

[JPH]

I didn't even know that personality disorders existed. I thought a person was either sane or schizophrenic with nothing in between. I was aware of her tumultuous family background, and her descriptions of her father and her grandfather reminded me exactly of her behavior toward me. Her brother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and her parents went through a nasty divorce while we were dating. I felt sorry for her, the sex was amazing and at some point I grew afraid of her after trying to leave a few times. I didn't know about BPD until after she cheated on me and we broke up. I had flimsy boundaries at the time, too. I was a sitting duck.

[Mike-X]

Nope. She did disclose past abuse early in the relationship. However, I was idealizing her as a strong, survivor.

[BatMasterson]

Nope. She did disclose past abuse early in the relationship. However, I was idealizing her as a strong, survivor.

   I suppose strictly speaking, they are strong survivors.

[ShadowIntheNight]

If my uBPDexgf had BPD she never mentioned it. We were together 9.5 yrs, knew each other for 10. She is a LPC, licensed practioner counselor. She was forever telling me about her "crazy" kids, the students she counseled at her job.

After she up and abandoned me in a typewritten note after 9.5 yrs, I stumbled here 3 months later because this woman and I had always had open levels of communication with one another. I couldn't believe or imagine that she'd be so afraid to end our relationship without some sort of discussion. When I called her after I received the note she didn't even have the courage or decency to pick up the phone. She just let it go to voicemail.

In the 10 years of knowing her as a therapist I never heard her mention one client of hers having the illness, nor was there any reason for me to know and expect I had landed one. I have never known a single person in my life to have the illness. So it was all new and devastatingly unfamiliar. Lucky me... .

[Mike-X]

Nope. She did disclose past abuse early in the relationship. However, I was idealizing her as a strong, survivor.

   I suppose strictly speaking, they are strong survivors.

Right! She indeed has survived a lot. I should have said that I was idealizing her as a strong survivor who is longing for and capable of maintaining a wonderfully loving intimate relationship.

[Restored2]

Before or very early on into your relationship, did your ex ever tell you he/she had BPD?

If your ex did tell you, what was your initial impression? Did you already know about BPD? Did you go and research it afterwards? Did you initially believe you could handle the disorder? What kept you from turning your back on this person during the early stages?

Mine never told me that she had BPD because I don't believe that she even knows this of herself to this very day.  She is extremely high functioning with working in the medical industry.  It would really take being in an intimate romantic relationship with her for the BPD traits to clearly surface. 

I knew nothing of BPD.  It wasn't until she abruptly broke up with me unexpectedly, with cutting me off and blocking me out that I went seeking answers via google.  I googled topics related to previously abused women to locate this bpdfamily.com site.  If I had of known what BPD was and that she had this disorder, I would have kept her at arms length as only a friend and not given her my heart to trample, disrespect and discard.

[downwhim]

I did not know he had BPD. I know he had a terrible childhood which lead him to not talk to his parents for a few years. He had a military up bringing, strict and abusive. He was sexually abused when he was 12 or 13. So, he had it rough then went into the Marines or was to live on the streets.

I saw many  's but loved him. He paid attention to me, we had great sex and I had just gotten out of a terrible 22 year marriage. He started raging at me after about 9 months and we broke up. I was left shaking in a parking lot. I should have run after this but the addiction had started.

We broke up twice after that. I was a total wreck and my friends questioned whether or not he had physically abused me. No, it was just mental and emotional abuse. But, I loved him. Funny when we are addicted to the sex and constant phone calling etc... what we will do.

Don't get me wrong. There were vacations, walks with the dog, biking around the city, romantic dinners etc. but he had a weirdness I could not explain. He had no friends and did not work. He was on disability and was on pretty heavy drugs. His mood changed frequently and he could never let go... always needed control. I did not like the way he treated his son. Really demeaning and belittling. We started to fight over that a lot.

No, it was not until almost two months after our breakup I somehow found this site. I was shocked at what I read. All was familiar. He has 8 of the 9 traits. He will never admit it as he is a functioning BPD and does nothing wrong in his world. Everyone else is at fault.

Why do I think about him everyday? So strange.

[Hadlee]

I had never heard of BPD until I went to see a T in the midst of all the chaos.  I had actually thought I was the crazy one losing my mind  It was the T who told me she thought my ex friend was BPD, and advised me to read up about it.

My BPD told me within a couple of months of us becoming close friends, after knowing each other for around 7 years, that she was abused as a child.  

Looking back, I knew something was off very early on, but dismissed it all.  She was open to anyone and everyone about her battle with depression and anxiety.  As time went on she would open up to me more and tell me that she needed to regulate her emotions.  She seemed to have a real awareness of her emotions, in particular, her anger.

It was about two years down the track that she told me her doctor thought she had bi-polar.  Around this time she also told me how her father was emotionally abusive.  She rarely talks about her family or childhood, so I was surprised to hear her open up about that.

I am a little stumped as to whether she does know she has BPD or not.  She has alluded to BPD symptoms by saying she has trouble regulating her emotions, has sudden mood changes, racing thoughts, sleep difficulties, and uses video games to release her anger as well as using them to escape from reality.  Recalling past conversations and things she has said, it seems she was telling me in a roundabout way that she has BPD.  I can't be sure though.

[Infared]

Didn't know she had it. I doubt she knows herself. She is high functioning, so I don't think she will ever go for evaluation. The reason I started looking into this was because our relationship ended so surreal, nobody could understand what happened. Nobody except one of my friends who dealt with a BPD guy before. She saved me. I thought I was going nuts because my brain just couldn't compute what happened to me... .

This was my exact experience... .except I did not have a friend to help me figure tout that my ex was a pwBPD... .I was in a lot of pain and found this site... upon reading here, everything that I had experienced made sense... .she also had emotional trauma during her young childhood so all of the pieces fit.

It was quite difficult living through that having no clue that the person that I was interacting with had/has a personality disorder.

[Leaving]

mine still doesn't believe he has it. he did lie about other things that he should have disclosed to me before we got married-it would have made a difference in if we got married but he intentionally withheld information that I should have been told. probably knew I'd say no if I knew-dirty on him but that's life.

TJ,

My husband AND his parents withheld information that I should have known.  I realize that it's not up to his parents to disclose   information but on the other hand, there were several times that I let them know what troubles we were having and they never mentioned any problem and didn't show an ounce of concern.   JUST the other day my husband and I were talking about a 'loser' friend of his who lost his house, family and job.  The SOB is on the internet as a victim raising money and I told my husband I thought he was scamming people because he IS a shyster! I felt bad about saying that at first but it turns out I was right.  As they say birds of a feather flock together.  Anyway, during this discussion, my husband revealed to me for the first time in 18 years that he too went to AA meetings.  I remained very calm and asked why he went to them.  He first told me that he just decided to go because he wanted to improve himself.  I certainly didn't believe that! I asked him why he felt the need to better himself and why he chose AA instead of a therapist.   He ignored me and ignored me and kept changing the subject each time I asked him.  Finally I said, ' was it your mother who made you go?' and he blew up and said, 'SEE, I knew that is why you were asking!  I knew you were being sneaky!"  Sneaky?  No.  He's the one who is sneaky- not me.  I just wanted to know why he chose AA vs some other type of therapy.  Turns out that he had to attend AA because he had so many drunk driving offenses and his mother had to drive him to the meetings.  Neither of his parents ever told me about this even when I called his father once Christmas to tell him that we could not be there for the holiday because my husband was on a drinking and narcotic binge that had recked our holiday and left me completely depressed and unable to do anything. 

His entire family is sick and I can't stand any of them.  Denial is selfish and it harms others.  I haven't spoken a word to either of his parents in over two years.  I can't wait to be completely out of this horror story life!

[Wood stock]

I knew something wasn't right with our relationship, so I convinced him to see a counselor together to work through our problems we were only six months into the r/s but already living together... .and having problems mostly because of his rage and closet drinking.   ( #1)

Interestingly enough, in one of our breakout sessions with the counselor ( where she meets with each of us alone), I told a typical story of our week and she inadvertently commented and said, "He said that? Wow... .that's almost like someone who is borderline." I then asked what she meant and she went on to explain that his actions and reactions sounded like someone with BPD but that she wasn't making a formal diagnosis... .but she suggested that I research it. So I did.

Now, here is the real kicker--when I sat down with him sometime later and he was lamenting his latest "episode"... .it was then that I explained what i had learned about BPD and he seemed open to it.  We went online together and read articles. He actually took an online quiz and scored in the "extremely high likelihood" band for BPD?  He saw two counselors on his own--each only one time. He "didn't like them."

And when our relationship ended a few months ago... .he threatened me that he was going to SUE the counselor who mentioned BPD to me... .threatened it more than once... .even after he bought into it and was relieved that there was a sort of diagnosis... .even after we bought BOOKS about it together... .now that all of his abuse and bullsht has caught up to him, he tells me it is me with a disorder, not him, and that he is going to sue the counselor for suggesting it to me--even though we were in COUPLES counseling--not individual therapy.

So... .to answer the original question on this post--I didn't know what it was called, but I knew something was off. I hung in there and thought it would get better.  When I/he/we got the BPD suggestion/diagnosis... .at the end of the day, he was a typical person with BPD... .he denied his issue and refused to seek treatment and used and abused everyone around him... .and blamed everything and everyone else around him for all of his problems.

[hergestridge]

I knew my wife had BPD. I "found out" a couple of years before she was diagnosed because I had a different perspective than her and the health care professionals.

When she was to describe her illness she would focus on her own feelings and her mood swings. I would focus on the consequences, and the way she acted towards me and others.

This was something she did not want to discuss, and something she did not go into detail with when describing the situation to her doctor or her therapists.

The way she would compulsively engage in conflict or kick up fights over nothing - that was it! She would refuse to see it, because she thought (or claimed) it was me (or others).

As soon as those conflicts (and her inability do solve conflicts) became something they'd talk about in her T sessions, she had a BPD diagnosis in no time.

Just like I had said for a couple of years prior.

The way she would ruin birthdays and vacations especially. I just googled it. It's BPD. Everything was there. You get mad for a good reason and she's suicidal. BPD! The way she behaved more and more like a teenager although she was reaching her mid 30s. BPD. The way she makes you think everything is your fault even when it's obviously not. Words are twisted and used against you etc.

Also, the week she got the diagnosis she broke up with me after 20 years. It was like "Ok, you were right, but I don't want to be with you anyway.".

She told me about the diagnosis just before she left the house.

[Gonzalo]

and he blew up and said, 'SEE, I knew that is why you were asking!  I knew you were being sneaky!"  Sneaky?  No.  He's the one who is sneaky- not me. 

I remember hearing that sort of thing so often. If I compared things she said on a couple of different days or tried to reconcile what she was blowing up about today with what she said she wanted last week, I was pulling some kind of trick. If I asked her directly to confirm what she was saying today, then pointed out that it differed, then I was setting a trap for her. Her idea was that she could just make up anything she wanted, and if I ever called her on it I was being a bad partner. This was especially difficult for me because my way of handling social situations is to make a model and figure out rules, so my normal habit is effectively a search for issues like this.

Early on I just figured it was something that would get better, or that I wasn't communicating well, or that I was missing something. Toward the end of the relationship I stopped making excuses and started calling her out on stuff, and began to realize just how much nonsense was going on. The information was there all along, but I found a way to ignore it, and probably would have even if someone had told me about BPD.

The way she would ruin birthdays and vacations especially.

That was one of the things that led to me realizing the relationship needed to end. I found that, although we wanted to do things like camping and trips to different areas, I was absolutely terrified to actually set one up, because I didn't want to be out in the middle of nowhere and stuck in an argument. Again, I had the information for a long time, but went into denial about it until then end of things.

[mitchell16]

No I didnt know. Not that it probably would have mattered at the time I met her cause I was hooked. I think mine knew or she suspected she did. Se has a degree in therapy and along the way I picked up little hints by what she said that made me think she knew to some degree. I found out by accident when I stumbled on stop walking on eggshells and this board. after I read that book and found this board everything made sense. But even after I figured it out I still stayed. I think in part Hoping I was wrong and hoping if I showed her How much I loved her and cared about her It would all work out. once I was away from her for awhile I started relaizing how sick I had gotten in that relationship. I was almost as crazy as she is. we went ti a therapist who didnt diagnose her but told me she sounded very BPD. Based on what I read, her actions, things she said, this board and what the therapist said. I have no doubt she is BPD and that I would have lost my mind or she would have ruined me i had stayed. I gave it 3 years that was way to much.

[Infared]

I knew my wife had BPD. I "found out" a couple of years before she was diagnosed because I had a different perspective than her and the health care professionals.

When she was to describe her illness she would focus on her own feelings and her mood swings. I would focus on the consequences, and the way she acted towards me and others.

This was something she did not want to discuss, and something she did not go into detail with when describing the situation to her doctor or her therapists.

The way she would compulsively engage in conflict or kick up fights over nothing - that was it! She would refuse to see it, because she thought (or claimed) it was me (or others).

As soon as those conflicts (and her inability do solve conflicts) became something they'd talk about in her T sessions, she had a BPD diagnosis in no time.

Just like I had said for a couple of years prior.

The way she would ruin birthdays and vacations especially. I just googled it. It's BPD. Everything was there. You get mad for a good reason and she's suicidal. BPD! The way she behaved more and more like a teenager although she was reaching her mid 30s. BPD. The way she makes you think everything is your fault even when it's obviously not. Words are twisted and used against you etc.

Also, the week she got the diagnosis she broke up with me after 20 years. It was like "Ok, you were right, but I don't want to be with you anyway.".

She told me about the diagnosis just before she left the house.

That is a bizarre tale... .and... .I think you are better off.  How are you doing with the breakup?