Help me my heart has been crushed 15 times and yet I love him but he's gone

[Chucklove]

It's 4 am and I can't sleep yet again for the love of my life once again broke my ever loving heart yet again  he has thrown me to the curb too many times to count.  Made me feel I was his baby doll and crushed my spirit for the 15 th time! How is this possible I am ashamed but he figured out how to destroy me and he has done it time and time again.  I have lost my family's respect for the turbulent disrespectful relationship I have been in for 1 1/2 -2 years

BUT I LOVE THIS MAN AND FIND MYSELF AT 47 years old in pain; loss, hopelessness, fear without him, and desperate not to loose him forever.  I was a single mom and never dated but gave up my world for my beautiful daughter who is now 20.  The day she left for college somehow I turned around and there he was.  He had two young kids 6 and 13 and an x wife he married twice in his life and still only married total 6 years with her.he also spent 7 years with his sons mom and yes has two baby momma dramas to throw in the mix.  Let me tell you he has degraded me; paranoid about me in the beginning , anger and rage I've seen twice where I was really scared, and it was scary hairy! I've been loved more then I have ever been loved by a man and mind you I was never married but raised my daughter worked hard and kept getting as much college as possible when I was done I had 7 years. He never went to college.  I loved him almost immediately but not quite. How I long for that day where his callous dismissal of our love which he somehow tells me I don't love you and I'm done!

Would be buffered by that let me cry for three days and by next week I will be ok  days! Nope not possible as two years this July well no he's gone again and yet the difference is I am petrified this time he and his dysfunction will never be back.  

   I sound as crazy as they come but trust me I'm not but I've been in love and Engadged, looking for house together, on three vacations, and yet I'm alone in love and left by him yet one more time. He's paranoid he's angry he is callous and he loves me today and is a stranger with I don't love you and move on I am! Tomorrow

I'm desperate he's gone for good his perception of reality and mood for or against me has crushed my spirit and stole my joy my entire ability to smile unless he's back but he's not coming back he never stays.

[OnceConfused]

Chucklove:

1. How do you know this man has BPD?

2. Whether he is BPD or not, just the fact that he "kicks you out" 15 times in the 2 years of knowing you, is really a big RED FLAG and concerns for anybody. Something is not right.

3. Look at his history as well. How did his previous relationship work?

4. Re read your post here. Imagine that this post is from your daughter about her feelings and her beau, how would you advice her as a mother?

Ask yourself a sincere and tough question : why do I love and want to be with a person who cannot be loved or wants to be with me?