I guess I expected a miracle

[teachersub]

Hi, After over a year of not seeing my one and only grandchild, my undiagnosed son's daughter, I decided to write him and his fiancee (baby's     mom)a very brief note enclosed in a card for my granddaughter. I tried to be validating,and left the door open if this wasn't the right time for them.  It's been three weeks.No response, not even a "we don't want to see you".  I suspect that it wasn't read, or my son read it and didn't show it to his fiancee. I thought  by  now she would have seen signs of his erratic and angry behavior, as his former wife did,and realize that the whole no contact issue was manipulated by him  since she  knew about the time years ago when he went no contact with the whole family for three  years. She even promised that she would never keep my grandchild away from me.

   I feel that I am back at the beginning of the whole sad mess,and that I will always be unbearably  sad and angry. I do not  think I will ever get to the point of acceptance, and I am really afraid of how the rest of my life will be if this continues. Any thoughts,please.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello teachersub,

I'm sorry you didn't get a response from your son or his fiancée.  My feelings would be hurt as well.  This is such a disappointment for you.

One of things I've noticed in the past when my expectations were not met is that it was about me.  They were my expectations.  I would remind myself of what I learned when I first came here... .I had to lower my expectations regarding my disordered child to reduce my grief. 

Another thing I learned is that I too can engage in black and white all or nothing thinking when I am emotional.  I would catch myself using words like "always" and "never".  I realized that I was closing myself off from the possibilities that the situation could change and I was, in those moments, applying that moment to other aspects of my child's life and it wasn't helping either of us.  It was kind of like self fulfilling prophecy.  My attitude was not going to make it better and when I would have the chance to interact with my daughter my attitude (and pwBPD pick up on even the slightest nonverbal communication) did make our relationship worse.

While you don't have the opportunities to interact with your son or his family right now it would be beneficial to learn all you can so you will be ready in the future when the opportunity arises.  The Tools and Lessons help us as much and usually more than they help the relationship or our children.  Why? Because we have the power to learn them, use them, and benefit from them in any and all relationships.

Hold onto hope.   

lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi teachersub,

I'm sorry you didn't receive the response you had hoped for. Do you feel that you could send another? My ex (uBPD) became estranged from his parents. I never got to know them, and my son (now 13) never met his grandparents.

They wrote cards from time to time. I can see now that they had good intentions, and deep down, my ex did appreciate the cards. He wanted to also be a victim, a complicated balancing act. I never communicated them because of the egg shells, and not having a relationship with them. Although many times I wanted to.

I wish they continued to write, and that I could share those letters and cards with S13 now. It does take strength to keep your heart open, knowing that you may not receive a response. Do you feel you could continue to communicate despite the radio silence?

[teachersub]

Hi

To make my long story short, (in case you don't want to read all the posts), my undiagnosed BPD son is still keeping me from seeing him,his fiancee, and my only grandchild. I have not seen them since Jan. 2014. The last time I saw her she was four months old; she will be two this August.

I have asked for, and gotten some good advice from people on this board, but I just couldn't wrap my head around the radical acceptance part, but finally I was able to.

Recently my sister let me know that her older son and his wife had a family get-together. She was not invited,and neither was I, but son,fiancee,and granddaughter were. When my sister asked about anything being said about the situation, her son's wife said, "I don't want to get in the middle.", where ironically she usually places herself.

At least I did find out that they were ok, and my son and fiancee were still together-I don't know if she has figured him out, or been truly exposed to his behavior. However,the saddest and worst thing to me was to hear that they are trying to get pregnant again. They had said before that because of their ages, they would rather devote their time to just one child.

When I heard this, I sat there thinking I could cry my eyes out over the possibility of not seeing another grandchild, but I couldn't. It was almost a really physical sensation of just something turning off in my head. I do still think of my granddaughter,but I keep it as brief as possible,and don't do it every day.

This is not the best possible scenario, but I really feel it was my mind and my brain saying, "You've had enough". The anger is still there, but I don't have to deal with that every day as well.

I am sending peace to all of you in your own struggles.