update Why am I so suprised

[Parents! Get help here!]

A little backstory few months ago dd attacked me and long story went to court and I begged borrowed and stole to get her off, and she did.  One month later lost job one month later got new job 1 week later got lics suspended for 90 days

We knew we should not help her but we did .  She had previously moved back home 6 months ago and it has been hell ever since.  Meantime we have been driving her to work just about every day for 1 month two hours round trip taking her d our gd to daycare first 3 days a week and then driving her to job.  Needless to say she never  appreciated any of it.  

Her nastiness countinued on a daily basis but today was last straw ,  we ended up telling her to leave mind you she still has no lisc friday tommorow she was suppose to go to court for a cinderalla lisc meaning she could drive to and from work.  She was freaking out in front of our gd her d saying all of these terrible things about us and everyone could not take it anymore it is now taking a toll on our gd 3 years old. So we told her to leave .  

I just can not be around her anymore with the yelling and swearing all in front of her d our gd .  She left with car no lisc and I just feel so guilty as usual . She called her xbf gd dad and he blew her off and so didnt any of the friends she has witch is not many and no one would pick her up so sad but that is the life of a BPD and new bf lives 4 hours away and she says she is coming here after work and picking up our gd and taking .My h and I started arguing again because I do not want her taking her on a four hour trip at night and no lisc.

[mggt]

A little backstory few months ago dd attacked me and long story went to court and I begged borrowed and stole to get her off, and she did.  One month later lost job one month later got new job 1 week later got lics suspended for 90 days

We knew we should not help her but we did .  She had previously moved back home 6 months ago and it has been hell ever since.  Meantime we have been driving her to work just about every day for 1 month two hours round trip taking her d our gd to daycare first 3 days a week and then driving her to job.  Needless to say she never  appreciated any of it.  

Her nastiness countinued on a daily basis but today was last straw ,  we ended up telling her to leave mind you she still has no lisc friday tommorow she was suppose to go to court for a cinderalla lisc meaning she could drive to and from work.  She was freaking out in front of our gd her d saying all of these terrible things about us and everyone could not take it anymore it is now taking a toll on our gd 3 years old. So we told her to leave .  

I just can not be around her anymore with the yelling and swearing all in front of her d our gd .  She left with car no lisc and I just feel so guilty as usual . She called her xbf gd dad and he blew her off and so didnt any of the friends she has witch is not many and no one would pick her up so sad but that is the life of a BPD and new bf lives 4 hours away and she says she is coming here after work and picking up our gd and taking .My h and I started arguing again because I do not want her taking her on a four hour trip at night and no lisc.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Oh mggt, I'm sorry it went so bad.

I totally understand your fears about your GD. My DD is 32 with a 6 year old Son, my GS. She has taken him away My before, and it definitely hurt. What I can say is this, he is fine. I cried and fought my husband too, spent night after night and day after day, worried sick. In the end It was wasted time and energy. Firstly, I had no control over the child, and no custodial rights, so there was nothing I could do, Secondly, she never let anything happen to him. When her situation got bad, she called me and I went and retrieved her and her son. This was after I had tossed her out and had her thrown in jail. So I guess I am telling you not to stress overly much about it. I know it's easier said than done, but try and stay in a neutral place, it may help you cope mentally.My heart hurts for you right now. so know I am thinking of you.

Take care friend.

[mggt]

Triss, Thank you friend it is so hard because of how hard i fought for my d to be in a better place and know Im watching her destroy her d my gd it is almost too painful too watch sometimes I pray for god to take me because I cant take this slow death over and over again nothing changes just the days and seasons its just too much this terrible disease

[qcarolr]

mggt  

Keeping our boundaries for safety is so hard when gkids are involved. Hang in there -- your gd  needs you when the chance comes, and it most likely will, to be there for her. Is there any possiblity that your D will not show up to get gd? Sometimes no response to this threat is better. You know your D -- what is your experience and intuition telling you?

It is so very exhausting being in this pressure cooker day after day. I had to get out of the pot to survive. Pushing myself to find others to be in a support network for me -- this is a key to my improved conscious state of being with my DD28. My heart is mostly quiet -- in hiding? My body is holding lots of pain. I am committed to loving my DD, staying out of her life as much as possible, and taking better care of myself while keeping some emotional distance. She is still who she is, though currently trying to self-rehab with the help of a friend in our home. So far so good. Not perfect.

Are there coping strategies that have helped you in the past? Who do you have nearby to talk with - T, spouse, friends... . Are you taking care with lifestyle stuff - my greatest handicap. Eating a healthy diet, excercise, sunshine, REST (as in sleep at night and taking quiet time moments during the day)... .

Is there a T in your life? One that might help you find ways to support your gd when she is with you? Do you know if there are grandparent visitation rights in your state? Can you consult with someone about this?

Stick to the boundary of no abusive behavior to you or anyone else in your home. Asking her to leave is a very appropriate response to her actions. I hope you can find a path to letting the guilt move you into constructive ways to take care of yourself and your gd. Let us know how things are going.

qcr

[tristesse]

It is a horrible illness and a horrible life. I often have to remind myself that my dd is struggling far more than I am, she is fighting her way out of the dark places in her mind, every second of every day. Her insecurities about how the world perceives her, are what make her mean and hateful, she will attack before being attacked. her thought patterns and her reality are far different from everybody else's. She believes the world is watching her and judging her every movement, so she watches for anything that can be perceived as a negative and lays in wait ready to strike. I have to remind myself to be empathetic at times.

That said, you really do need to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally, you need to be strong and ready when your daughter and grand daughter need you, and they will need you eventually.

Learn everything you can about BPD, and then read the lessons and tools and learn them, practice using the tools in your everyday life, that way when your daughter does reappear, you will be prepared to communicate with her in a different and hopefully more effective way.

Hang there. My thoughts are with you

[mggt]

Thank you q and triss,  She called last night and we told her she is not allowed here anymore until she gets help and for her illness.  She did not pick up her d we just dropped her off today at pre school and her father is suppose to be picking her up today and keeping her for weekend.  Im just so upset again our gd is acting up due to her moms anger and violence towards us that is why I do not want her here anymore Im ready to jump off a roof all the constant anger and yelling and swearing I start to shake everytime she raises her voice.  Thank you all for your kind advice We will see what the days ahead bring more craziness Im sure 

[js friend]

Mggt you have a right to right to assert your own boundries to protect yourself and others in your home.Feeling like you live in a warzone and want to jump off a roof everytime your dd begins to get loud is doing nothing for your nerves or health, but i wanted to say i know how hard it is to try to live with our dd's and try to assert our boundries too as recently i allowed dd and gc came back to stay here for a while while her place was being renovated and it was awful. I was literally counting down the days till she left. I think her behaviour was possibly worse than when she was a teenager or maybe iam just remembering it differently now . She held nothing back infront of 2gc.Reminding her of the bounderies seemed to wind her up more,and  just seemed to make her behaviour worse than ever, but it is the right thing to do. I just want peace in my home, but we were treated to Tantrums, aggression,mimicry and sarcasm or we were all generally ignored while most of the time dd lazied around doing nothing. It is so difficult when little ones are involved i totally agree and shocking what these little ones are witnessing.

And similiar to tristesse my own dd cut me off for 1 month when first gc was few months old but then got back in touch when there was literally no-one else to care for the baby while she went out.It didnt stop me worrying though and i felt relief when she got in touch just tom see gd again. It must be an added worry if your dd wants to take off with dd to the new b/f.I think my dd has hooked up with a few since gc have been born but kept it secret so I cant begin to imagine how worrying this would be.All i can suggest is try not to think too far ahead atm mggt. I know it is easier said than done but Just try to deal with one situation as it arises.