Read the emails of the BPD girl I was/am dating

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was seeing a girl with PTSD/BPD for about 3 months. I started another thread on her, but feel this is interesting as it is actual "proof" of what they often do during absences, stories they tell, manipulation etc.

She was having some issues with her ex, so she asked to use my phone to check her email. She didn't sign out of her email account.  For the duration of the relationship things were very odd, so I read her emails.

We just too a beach vacation together last weekend, and spent 7 days in a row together.

A. Emails to her attorney.  She was consistently begging him to send a photo of his "big dick", and how it is the biggest dick she ever saw.  This was up to one day before we left for vacation together.

B. Emails with her and her ex. She described me as a friend of a friend, and that she never did anything sexual with me. It also turns out that they only broke up in January, and not a year ago like she has been telling me...

C. She was actually begging to get her ex back in the emails, as recently as a few days before our trip. She had always been telling me he is an abuser, she left him, he is horrible etc.

D.Her ex was actually inside of my house when he dropped his daughter off.  She told me he never even entered the driveway, but after reading the emails he made a comment about my home he would only know if he was inside.

So if it doesnt feel right, it usually isn't For mew it took reading it with my own eyes.

[richardson]

I was seeing a girl with PTSD/BPD for about 3 months. I started another thread on her, but feel this is interesting as it is actual "proof" of what they often do during absences, stories they tell, manipulation etc.

She was having some issues with her ex, so she asked to use my phone to check her email. She didn't sign out of her email account.  For the duration of the relationship things were very odd, so I read her emails.

We just too a beach vacation together last weekend, and spent 7 days in a row together.

A. Emails to her attorney.  She was consistently begging him to send a photo of his "big dick", and how it is the biggest dick she ever saw.  This was up to one day before we left for vacation together.

B. Emails with her and her ex. She described me as a friend of a friend, and that she never did anything sexual with me. It also turns out that they only broke up in January, and not a year ago like she has been telling me...

C. She was actually begging to get her ex back in the emails, as recently as a few days before our trip. She had always been telling me he is an abuser, she left him, he is horrible etc.

D.Her ex was actually inside of my house when he dropped his daughter off.  She told me he never even entered the driveway, but after reading the emails he made a comment about my home he would only know if he was inside.

So if it doesnt feel right, it usually isn't For mew it took reading it with my own eyes.

[richardson]

I confronted her, and of course she had excuses...

She said she needed legal help, and her attorney forced himself on her, and she brushed against his penis... So she was only saying this to get legal help...

She said she doesnt want to be with her ex, but was acting like it to get aq leg up in custody battle.

She also blamed it all on me, as I have not made her my GF, and she is claiming I am in love with my ex.  So she was afraid to get close to me.

As for her ex entering my house, she is claiming the email mean someone else's house...

At the end of the day all of this hurts, but I am glad I found out now...

[ShadowIntheNight]

Based on all of that are you leaving or hoping to work things out? All those different things and not one of them did she admit that what she had done was the truth, instead it was something else entirely. You haven't been together long, but my uBPDexgf and I were together 10 yrs. It has been 7 mos since she left "out of the blue." I was cleaning up in my office and discovered old check books (I keep for tax purposes) and it seems every 6 months I was giving her around $1000 to help her tide her finances over.

You don't have to waste 10 yrs of your life hoping that what she told you here was true or not. You deserve a happy life, and that would include not being with a liar. Best wishes.

BTW, ask her if she wants you to file charges against the attorney. Tell her you can have him disbarred (cause that can happen) and see what she says then... .

[felix22]

Wow, what a stroke of good fortune for you. You had it all laid out plain and clear before your eyes. I have an endless nagging intuition that my uBPDso is lying about randomn things. Haven't had anything so blatantly obvious as that though. If it were me, I would feel thankful for the information and move on! Best of luck

[apollotech]

The truth is in her actions my friend as she cannot fake her actions. Her words are false. I know you, right now, probably don't see your discovery as a fortunate occurance, and that is understandable, but it is a fortunate occurance nonetheless. I am sorry that you are caught up in this. It is hurtful. You are correct, better now than later. Take care of yourself!

[richardson]

The truth is in her actions my friend as she cannot fake her actions. Her words are false. I know you, right now, probably don't see your discovery as a fortunate occurance, and that is understandable, but it is a fortunate occurance nonetheless. I am sorry that you are caught up in this. It is hurtful. You are correct, better now than later. Take care of yourself!

And the sad part is that i am constantly thinking of her...

it is amazing what sex, love, and closeness does to a guy... As an example, before I read the emails we were on a road trip...   She was naked in the car the entire time, telling me how she loves me, asking to be with me forever etc...

After i read the emails, i confronted her... .She made excuses, but was even more in love with me.

Then a light switch flipped and she wanted to go home... After I dropped her off she sent me a very threatening email that she will "mess me up" if i tell anyone what i read...

Then a few hours later she sent me an email that she wants to "keep in touch"

So within 24 hours she wants to have my kids, then wants to "f me up", then wants to "keep in touch"

[apollotech]

The truth is in her actions my friend as she cannot fake her actions. Her words are false. I know you, right now, probably don't see your discovery as a fortunate occurance, and that is understandable, but it is a fortunate occurance nonetheless. I am sorry that you are caught up in this. It is hurtful. You are correct, better now than later. Take care of yourself!

And the sad part is that i am constantly thinking of her...

it is amazing what sex, love, and closeness does to a guy... As an example, before I read the emails we were on a road trip...   She was naked in the car the entire time, telling me how she loves me, asking to be with me forever etc...

After i read the emails, i confronted her... .She made excuses, but was even more in love with me.

Then a light switch flipped and she wanted to go home... After I dropped her off she sent me a very threatening email that she will "mess me up" if i tell anyone what i read...

Then a few hours later she sent me an email that she wants to "keep in touch"

So within 24 hours she wants to have my kids, then wants to "f me up", then wants to "keep in touch"

Constantly thinking about them is normal after the ending. We've all been there. I am about 8 weeks out, and I think of my BPDexgf everyday. It is becoming less and less. Eventually it'll pass.

These relationships are very intense; our emotions are always keyed up, so naturally when it ends it's a long fall. The wacked out sex, love bombing, complimenting, etc. is a strong hallucinogenic. Many Non's think that this is the real "them", but it's not. All of this is just another manifestation of the disorder.

As I said before, the truth is in their actions: I want to have your baby one minute... .Let's keep in touch the next minute. Who could have any type of relationship with anyone that unstable? Life would be chaos and turmoil.

She will land on her feet. Now is the time to take care of YOU.

[richardson]

The truth is in her actions my friend as she cannot fake her actions. Her words are false. I know you, right now, probably don't see your discovery as a fortunate occurance, and that is understandable, but it is a fortunate occurance nonetheless. I am sorry that you are caught up in this. It is hurtful. You are correct, better now than later. Take care of yourself!

And the sad part is that i am constantly thinking of her...

it is amazing what sex, love, and closeness does to a guy... As an example, before I read the emails we were on a road trip...   She was naked in the car the entire time, telling me how she loves me, asking to be with me forever etc...

After i read the emails, i confronted her... .She made excuses, but was even more in love with me.

Then a light switch flipped and she wanted to go home... After I dropped her off she sent me a very threatening email that she will "mess me up" if i tell anyone what i read...

Then a few hours later she sent me an email that she wants to "keep in touch"

So within 24 hours she wants to have my kids, then wants to "f me up", then wants to "keep in touch"

Constantly thinking about them is normal after the ending. We've all been there. I am about 8 weeks out, and I think of my BPDexgf everyday. It is becoming less and less. Eventually it'll pass.

These relationships are very intense; our emotions are always keyed up, so naturally when it ends it's a long fall. The wacked out sex, love bombing, complimenting, etc. is a strong hallucinogenic. Many Non's think that this is the real "them", but it's not. All of this is just another manifestation of the disorder.

As I said before, the truth is in their actions: I want to have your baby one minute... .Let's keep in touch the next minute. Who could have any type of relationship with anyone that unstable? Life would be chaos and turmoil.

She will land on her feet. Now is the time to take care of YOU.

Other things she was saying...

" I was terrified and running because i was so in love with you and scared"

"You didnt say you love me enough. If you did it would have been different"

After confronting her about her emails, she was crying, hysterical, praying to god out loud I wouldnt leave. Trying to have sex with me all night.

At about 4 am we did have sex... She was begging for me to finish inside...

Then the next morning she was asking to stay the weekend before I went to work. As soon as I agreed, it was  "Take me home, I will never speak to you again"

Seemingly they MUST set it all up so they can be the dumper? Ande exactly... What is "lets keep in touch?

[apollotech]

Be careful with this woman! You might become a father!

[felix22]

"The wacked out sex, love bombing, complimenting, etc. is a strong hallucinogenic."

good sentence.

I agree. Be careful man! She sounds dangerous in more ways than one.

[LonelyChild]

It is amazing how there is NO empathy whatsoever. They can go be in a brutal, violent threesome (see my first post) and the day after act like nothing has happened. No sane human being could do that. Even if you ignore the fact that you hurt others around you, you make yourself more and more sick and distorted by keeping the lying up.

Every relationship they go through, every love-cycle they go through, makes them sicker and sicker.

[richardson]

It is amazing how there is NO empathy whatsoever. They can go be in a brutal, violent threesome (see my first post) and the day after act like nothing has happened. No sane human being could do that. Even if you ignore the fact that you hurt others around you, you make yourself more and more sick and distorted by keeping the lying up.

Every relationship they go through, every love-cycle they go through, makes them sicker and sicker.

After reading her emails and looking at the dates, within minutes of each other she was telling her ex she wants to work things out, flirting with her attorney and telling him he is the only one that cares about her, and telling me she can't wait to see me for her bday.

What seems to be the hardest is remembering how extreme she had to make our time together.  Constantly telling me how I am the best ever.  How she is in love. How she wants my kids.  Etc.

This was also interesting.  After giving her the best valentines day ever, according to her, she called a couple days later telling me she was moving far away to go to rehab. She changed her email, won't have a phone, or way of contact.

I was hurt, but thought it might be true. 

Then two weeks later she emails me on a Sunday morning just saying "help me.  Come get me"

I email back right away and ask what is going on.  I don't get a reply for 3 days.

Then she writes "oh.  Just needed a drink. Haha"

It turns out she actually moved closer to me and never went to rehab. In way she just wanted to dramatically end everything for some reason, but then she contacted me in that odd manner.

She then said she did that because she is scared and too in love and I am too good

[richardson]

One more odd thing.  When I was taking her home in the morning she was saying how she never wants to speak to me again.

But then she says "I have a question".  I said what.  She said "who have you been texting when you look at your phone".  Like that would matter anyway at this point.  She also told me it is me who is not over my ex.

[apollotech]

richardson,

Don't get hung up in her words as she has already proven them to be false. The truth is in her actions. It's not readily clear to me, are you still involved with this woman?

[richardson]

richardson,

Don't get hung up in her words as she has already proven them to be false. The truth is in her actions. It's not readily clear to me, are you still involved with this woman?

Well we spent 7 days in a row together recently, and have been apart for the last week.


I am no longer contacting her.  I know though, if she contacted me soon I would see her.

In the past she was seemingly able to time it perfectly as to when I was totally gone.  Then I would get a call from her.

[ShadowIntheNight]

richardson,

Don't get hung up in her words as she has already proven them to be false. The truth is in her actions. It's not readily clear to me, are you still involved with this woman?

Well we spent 7 days in a row together recently, and have been apart for the last week.


I am no longer contacting her.  I know though, if she contacted me soon I would see her.

In the past she was seemingly able to time it perfectly as to when I was totally gone.  Then I would get a call from her.

You are correct, she is timing it perfectly, that isn't your imagination. She is "conditioning" you, if you will, to expect her to be gone and then to return. The length of time increases over time as she knows that when she needs you for whatever reason you will have been "expecting" her to come back. Ask yourself, do you think, after having seen those emails that she's sitting at home contemplating her love for you? No she isn't. She is probably out on dates, seeing her ex, or possibly even sleeping with the lawyer. But rest assured she isn't sitting there thinking of the lovely life you two will build. I got used to my ex's push/pull behavior. All BPD's use it. This time she, after 9.5 years, hasn't come back. I am living in hell, I can tell you that. The first time it happened all those years ago I should have never let her darken my doorstep again. It's a mistake I won't make again.

You deserve better than this. And honestly, since you've read those emails and seen what she is really like, you are allowing yourself to hurt your own self. And what do you prove to her by letting her back in? That it is all right for her to hurt you too. Only you can say no.

[apollotech]

richardson,

Think about this when you meet this woman again: if she happens to become pregnant, you will be permanently tied to the chaos and turmoil that you are now experiencing. You will be bringing a child into said insanity. This is not fun and games; this is life.

[Aussie0zborn]

She then said she did that because she is scared and too in love and I am too good

And do you believe you're "too good"? The only thing we are too good at is being stupid. You have just joined our club if you believe you're as good as she says.

You sound so naive that I'm thinking that when she gets to the devaluation stage you will be crushed beyond belief with her words. As already mentioned, she isn't sitting at home thinking about you in a positive way. Think of the fisherman with ten fishing lines... .if you throw ten in the water you should be able to catch five fish at the same time. You might not eat them all at once but you can at least have them when you want them.

The problem with believing their tripe little excuses, is that they will actually hate you for your  stupidity and resent you for it. Don't think for a second that you are doing her a favor by letting her off the hook for her infractions particularly when she knows that you know she is lying. They don't appreciate these "get out of jail free" cards we give them - they just hate us more for being such easy pushovers.

Run as fast as you can and don't be a schmuck. Learn where your boundaries are and why you must establish and maintain them. Learn why you didn't have the balls to say, "I will not be abused by anybody and this relationship is not right".

Nobody is going to give you an award for sticking with her. At the end when the relationship fails with a Big Bang, you will be blamed for it. She will be off with the next guy and you'll be left trying to pick up the pieces to put your life back together again. Good luck in doing that. Why not quit while you're ahead?

[Nevergiveuponhope]

... Can I ask if she has experienced any bad trauma or issues in her childhood at all... ?  I'm gaining information about BPD/ NPD / PTSD And looking back at what makes theses individuals act and think the way they do... .

Thanks

[Aussie0zborn]

That's an interesting survey topic but why don't you post a new topic instead of hijacking this one? Richardson needs to focus on himself here rather than her and the sad life she has had.  He might get sympathetic to her unsubstantiated sob story and  forget about his own more important needs.

Please start a new topic - I'm sure it will make for some very interesting reading.

[richardson]

She then said she did that because she is scared and too in love and I am too good

And do you believe you're "too good"? The only thing we are too good at is being stupid. You have just joined our club if you believe you're as good as she says.

You sound so naive that I'm thinking that when she gets to the devaluation stage you will be crushed beyond belief with her words. As already mentioned, she isn't sitting at home thinking about you in a positive way. Think of the fisherman with ten fishing lines... .if you throw ten in the water you should be able to catch five fish at the same time. You might not eat them all at once but you can at least have them when you want them.

The problem with believing their tripe little excuses, is that they will actually hate you for your  stupidity and resent you for it. Don't think for a second that you are doing her a favor by letting her off the hook for her infractions particularly when she knows that you know she is lying. They don't appreciate these "get out of jail free" cards we give them - they just hate us more for being such easy pushovers.

Run as fast as you can and don't be a schmuck. Learn where your boundaries are and why you must establish and maintain them. Learn why you didn't have the balls to say, "I will not be abused by anybody and this relationship is not right".

Nobody is going to give you an award for sticking with her. At the end when the relationship fails with a Big Bang, you will be blamed for it. She will be off with the next guy and you'll be left trying to pick up the pieces to put your life back together again. Good luck in doing that. Why not quit while you're ahead?

I met her right after being divorced. 3 months ago. So I really wasn't looking for anything "serious"

I was, of course, turned on by all the compliments, attention,sex,  professions of love etc.Quite a change from my horrible last year of marriage.

I would have been fine to keep it as casual dating/fwb, but it was her who was talking of love, future, with such intensity, only to then keep disappearing.

I was actually surprised, after reading all of her emails, that their wasnt more... .If she read mine, although i didn't meet anyone, I was chatting on Tinder, POF, other sites etc.

If she didn't involve the "in love with me" so much I wouldn't even think her emails were strange for a single woman.  How many of us start dating a girl and actually see all of her emails and correspondences?

But what i cant deal with is the inconsistency. Every time we parted ways it had to be so dramatic a day later, like another reason she can never see me again.  Then a couple weeks go by and she contacts me, with the "scared" excuse.


I started a thread in the member section asking if most women have some sort of BPD. Thats what messes with my mind... I think every woman i ever dated, including my ex wife, said the "scared" excuse, or acted flaky. I think the BPD just do it ten times as much with more intensity.

[richardson]

What I do not understand is this...

How many  of her feelings are "real"?

As with most of the guys on here, the women they are seeing are extremely convincing...

When together she is constantly touching, smiling, cuddling, etc... I believe, in the moment, those feelings are real. But maybe not?

The problem arises when we part ways (usually after several days together) and she tells me she cant see me anymore, is just distant, or completely disinterested.

[ShadowIntheNight]

What I do not understand is this...

How many  of her feelings are "real"?

As with most of the guys on here, the women they are seeing are extremely convincing...

When together she is constantly touching, smiling, cuddling, etc... I believe, in the moment, those feelings are real. But maybe not?

The problem arises when we part ways (usually after several days together) and she tells me she cant see me anymore, is just distant, or completely disinterested.

Who knows if their feelings are real? You are focusing on the wrong thing here R. You have absolute prof that she was talking to her ex and what she was saying and she was saying inappropriate things to her attorney too. She then lies away the truth of what you saw with your own two eyes. You are one lucky guy in that you have been given absolute proof as to her character. She is playing THREE guys at the same time! Focus on that, not on some feeling, particularly hers which you have no way of knowing except for her telling you. And she lied about the emails, so who is to say she isn't lying about her feelings?

You've been given a get out of jail free card. Not all women are somewhat BPD. That's something you tell yourself. I've never heard of the word in my life till last fall and my exgf who clearly has BPD traits is a therapist! In 9.5 yrs the disorder never came up, and I listened to her tell me about her work and clients most every day.

If  you think  that is the kind of women you are always meeting, then is it possible you may have White knight issues, or esteem issues, things relating to your Family of origin? That you are twisted up by her this early in the dating does not bode well for your future if you stay. But that's just my observation.

[felix22]

I agree. Richardson needs to focus on the manifestations of this relationship. Not on why she goes around treating people like trash. This woman is blatantly marking him as a target!

[felix22]

Richardson,

Those of us that became involved in a relationship w/a BPD affected person have had to figure it all out from scratch. After a few years, I've started putting the pieces together. By the time that I've figured out what's going on though, I've gotten really enmeshed. Which makes it even more difficult to pull out and leave. You've been given a map, right from the start, showing how her clock ticks. Unlike some of us, who have had to put it together s l o w l y, bit by bit. You've got the opportunity to leave before you get as enmeshed as others of us have. I recommend getting a counselor, or going to some sort of group therapy, to help with the struggle.

[richardson]

I agree. Richardson needs to focus on the manifestations of this relationship. Not on why she goes around treating people like trash. This woman is blatantly marking him as a target!

Yes.  You guys are right.  Sometimes just need to play it out more until I see for myself.  I had the last straw this weekend.

She has been emailing all week for me to being back a sweatshirt she left at my place. She doesn't have a car.

So Saturday am I tell her I can bring it after work Saturday or anytime Sunday.  She says "thanks.  Let me get back to you". I know she has her daughter this weekend.

So Saturday at 5 she asks if I can bring it that night.  I said I can be there at 7.  No reply until 11 pm.  Said she took daughter to doctor.  I wasn't waiting around anyway, but this is how she wastes time.

So Sunday she emails me and says can I bring it, and I said "sure.  I'll be there in an hour"

Once again no reply so I drive over.  About a half hour drive. I arrive and she sends her daughter to the door.  I ask to see her mom.  She goes back and says "she said she is sleeping". I say ok wake her up for a sec.  Daughter comes back and says "my mom says she is sick"

This entire episode really irritated me.  What kind of game is this. 

I emailed her that this was ridiculous and what kind of game is she playing.  Something allng those lines.

She emails me back that she was about to go to the ER, didn't want to get me sick, was so sorry. Didn't check her email. Didn't know I was coming.  Didn't want me to see her sick.  Blah blah blah

This made me really see what type of games and problems she has.  Can turn so completely cold and apparently just wants to waste my time.  No idea.  Or wanted to show how insignificant I am that she won't even answer door?

[ShadowIntheNight]

I agree. Richardson needs to focus on the manifestations of this relationship. Not on why she goes around treating people like trash. This woman is blatantly marking him as a target!

Yes.  You guys are right.  Sometimes just need to play it out more until I see for myself.  I had the last straw this weekend.

She has been emailing all week for me to being back a sweatshirt she left at my place. She doesn't have a car.

So Saturday am I tell her I can bring it after work Saturday or anytime Sunday.  She says "thanks.  Let me get back to you". I know she has her daughter this weekend.

So Saturday at 5 she asks if I can bring it that night.  I said I can be there at 7.  No reply until 11 pm.  Said she took daughter to doctor.  I wasn't waiting around anyway, but this is how she wastes time.

So Sunday she emails me and says can I bring it, and I said "sure.  I'll be there in an hour"

Once again no reply so I drive over.  About a half hour drive. I arrive and she sends her daughter to the door.  I ask to see her mom.  She goes back and says "she said she is sleeping". I say ok wake her up for a sec.  Daughter comes back and says "my mom says she is sick"

This entire episode really irritated me.  What kind of game is this. 

I emailed her that this was ridiculous and what kind of game is she playing.  Something allng those lines.

She emails me back that she was about to go to the ER, didn't want to get me sick, was so sorry. Didn't check her email. Didn't know I was coming.  Didn't want me to see her sick.  Blah blah blah

This made me really see what type of games and problems she has.  Can turn so completely cold and apparently just wants to waste my time.  No idea.  Or wanted to show how insignificant I am that she won't even answer door?

Look, every bit of that is typical BPD push/pull behavior. Her asking you to bring the sweatshirt? That has nothing to do with the clothing. It has to do with her seeing if you will do it or not. If you bring it, then she sees she still has control over you.

Emailing you a time then not responding for several hours? Not she's sick, she's controlling you. I see it so clearly now. I didn't for 9.5 years. Fortunately my ex didn't play these kinds of games, but we had them for sure.

Here's an answer:'MAIL her the sweatshirt, even if it is cheaper to drop it off! When she calls, and she will, don't answer.

You don't realize it, but you said yourself her compliments to you felt so good after the last year of your marriage. Someone with BPD will know this. They will know that their compliments will make you feel good and you will give anything to keep that coming. I don't know if your wife had BPD or not. But if she didn't and that last year of marriage was bad for you, let me assure you that was a summer picnic compared to ending a relationship with BPD. You don't deserve to go through that again. Tell yourself that, and be glad you got out early.

[richardson]

I agree. Richardson needs to focus on the manifestations of this relationship. Not on why she goes around treating people like trash. This woman is blatantly marking him as a target!

Yes.  You guys are right.  Sometimes just need to play it out more until I see for myself.  I had the last straw this weekend.

She has been emailing all week for me to being back a sweatshirt she left at my place. She doesn't have a car.

So Saturday am I tell her I can bring it after work Saturday or anytime Sunday.  She says "thanks.  Let me get back to you". I know she has her daughter this weekend.

So Saturday at 5 she asks if I can bring it that night.  I said I can be there at 7.  No reply until 11 pm.  Said she took daughter to doctor.  I wasn't waiting around anyway, but this is how she wastes time.

So Sunday she emails me and says can I bring it, and I said "sure.  I'll be there in an hour"

Once again no reply so I drive over.  About a half hour drive. I arrive and she sends her daughter to the door.  I ask to see her mom.  She goes back and says "she said she is sleeping". I say ok wake her up for a sec.  Daughter comes back and says "my mom says she is sick"

This entire episode really irritated me.  What kind of game is this. 

I emailed her that this was ridiculous and what kind of game is she playing.  Something allng those lines.

She emails me back that she was about to go to the ER, didn't want to get me sick, was so sorry. Didn't check her email. Didn't know I was coming.  Didn't want me to see her sick.  Blah blah blah

This made me really see what type of games and problems she has.  Can turn so completely cold and apparently just wants to waste my time.  No idea.  Or wanted to show how insignificant I am that she won't even answer door?

Look, every bit of that is typical BPD push/pull behavior. Her asking you to bring the sweatshirt? That has nothing to do with the clothing. It has to do with her seeing if you will do it or not. If you bring it, then she sees she still has control over you.

Emailing you a time then not responding for several hours? Not she's sick, she's controlling you. I see it so clearly now. I didn't for 9.5 years. Fortunately my ex didn't play these kinds of games, but we had them for sure.

Here's an answer:'MAIL her the sweatshirt, even if it is cheaper to drop it off! When she calls, and she will, don't answer.

You don't realize it, but you said yourself her compliments to you felt so good after the last year of your marriage. Someone with BPD will know this. They will know that their compliments will make you feel good and you will give anything to keep that coming. I don't know if your wife had BPD or not. But if she didn't and that last year of marriage was bad for you, let me assure you that was a summer picnic compared to ending a relationship with BPD. You don't deserve to go through that again. Tell yourself that, and be glad you got out early.

I know people will say "just move on", and I am, but I am curious as to why she had to set up an exact time for me to come over, JUST TO THEN send her daughter to the door so she wont see me... .


I could have dropped it off anytime if that was going to be the case... I was obviously thinking the entire point to coordinate a time would be so we would see each other. 

Just to show she doesn't care about me?  Just want a reaction?  In a depressed mood?

[ShadowIntheNight]

I agree. Richardson needs to focus on the manifestations of this relationship. Not on why she goes around treating people like trash. This woman is blatantly marking him as a target!

Yes.  You guys are right.  Sometimes just need to play it out more until I see for myself.  I had the last straw this weekend.

She has been emailing all week for me to being back a sweatshirt she left at my place. She doesn't have a car.

So Saturday am I tell her I can bring it after work Saturday or anytime Sunday.  She says "thanks.  Let me get back to you". I know she has her daughter this weekend.

So Saturday at 5 she asks if I can bring it that night.  I said I can be there at 7.  No reply until 11 pm.  Said she took daughter to doctor.  I wasn't waiting around anyway, but this is how she wastes time.

So Sunday she emails me and says can I bring it, and I said "sure.  I'll be there in an hour"

Once again no reply so I drive over.  About a half hour drive. I arrive and she sends her daughter to the door.  I ask to see her mom.  She goes back and says "she said she is sleeping". I say ok wake her up for a sec.  :)aughter comes back and says "my mom says she is sick"

This entire episode really irritated me.  What kind of game is this.  

I emailed her that this was ridiculous and what kind of game is she playing.  Something allng those lines.

She emails me back that she was about to go to the ER, didn't want to get me sick, was so sorry. Didn't check her email. Didn't know I was coming.  :)idn't want me to see her sick.  Blah blah blah

This made me really see what type of games and problems she has.  Can turn so completely cold and apparently just wants to waste my time.  No idea.  Or wanted to show how insignificant I am that she won't even answer door?

Look, every bit of that is typical BPD push/pull behavior. Her asking you to bring the sweatshirt? That has nothing to do with the clothing. It has to do with her seeing if you will do it or not. If you bring it, then she sees she still has control over you.

Emailing you a time then not responding for several hours? Not she's sick, she's controlling you. I see it so clearly now. I didn't for 9.5 years. Fortunately my ex didn't play these kinds of games, but we had them for sure.

Here's an answer:'MAIL her the sweatshirt, even if it is cheaper to drop it off! When she calls, and she will, don't answer.

You don't realize it, but you said yourself her compliments to you felt so good after the last year of your marriage. Someone with BPD will know this. They will know that their compliments will make you feel good and you will give anything to keep that coming. I don't know if your wife had BPD or not. But if she didn't and that last year of marriage was bad for you, let me assure you that was a summer picnic compared to ending a relationship with BPD. You don't deserve to go through that again. Tell yourself that, and be glad you got out early.

I know people will say "just move on", and I am, but I am curious as to why she had to set up an exact time for me to come over, JUST TO THEN send her daughter to the door so she wont see me... .


I could have dropped it off anytime if that was going to be the case... I was obviously thinking the entire point to coordinate a time would be so we would see each other.  

Just to show she doesn't care about me?  Just want a reaction?  In a depressed mood?

It has nothing to do with you. She is doing it for  herself. She's not hoping to see you because you make her heart flutter. She is doing it to "hook" you into her life. And if you have started to cut her off, her not being there is obviously her punishing you.

This woman has already lied to you and tried to manipulate her way out of it. There are plenty of resources on this site that explain what happens to a person in a BPD relationship over time. No one can get in and just fool around for a little while and it won't affect you. Go look on the leaving board where so many people were in relationships that lasted only a few months. They're not having a party. They are deeply wounded trying to make sense of what just happened to them.

I don't know if she has BPD, but clearly she is manipulating you and punishing you. That is part a parcel of how BPDs treat a person. It's spring. Plenty of women who are not BPD are looking for someone like you. Dont worry one more minute about this woman. And in four months when you think maybe she's changed or she calls you out of the blue telling you how wonderful she thought you were, run like the wind. That won't be about you either. It will still be about her.

[richardson]

I agree. Richardson needs to focus on the manifestations of this relationship. Not on why she goes around treating people like trash. This woman is blatantly marking him as a target!

You don't realize it, but you said yourself her compliments to you felt so good after the last year of your marriage. Someone with BPD will know this. They will know that their compliments will make you feel good and you will give anything to keep that coming. I don't know if your wife had BPD or not. But if she didn't and that last year of marriage was bad for you, let me assure you that was a summer picnic compared to ending a relationship with BPD. You don't deserve to go through that again. Tell yourself that, and be glad you got out early.

I don't know if she has BPD, but clearly she is manipulating you and punishing you. That is part a parcel of how BPDs treat a person.

Ahh thank you... She knows I have my son every other weekend, and this was my free weekend.

In the past, she would say "Lets do something Friday... Call me at 9" Then say she was sick... .Effectively ruining my night... But begging to to something the next night... Next day call her at 7, and she wants to go out... Tells me call her in an hour... .Then not answer... .

So, with returning the sweatshirt, she tried again... First telling me on Saturday she isn't sure if I can bring it over... Then at 5:30 saying "bring it tonight"... .Then when I tell her I will drop it at 7, she doesn't reply until 11... Which i did not reply to... .So she is assuming I am out with someone else.

So, as she is also extremely jealous, that probably was her way of "punishing me" the following day... Setting up a time to meet,repeatedly asking for this sweatshirt, then not answering the door... .Sending her daughter... .

Makes more sense now...