Read the emails of the BPD girl I was/am dating

[Restored2]

What I do not understand is this...

How many  of her feelings are "real"?

As with most of the guys on here, the women they are seeing are extremely convincing...

When together she is constantly touching, smiling, cuddling, etc... I believe, in the moment, those feelings are real. But maybe not?

The problem arises when we part ways (usually after several days together) and she tells me she cant see me anymore, is just distant, or completely disinterested.

Hi richardson.  I can relate to you here.  Mine was "constantly touching, smiling, cuddling, etc... ", too.  Full on love bombing!  It's unbelievable how many similarities we can all share with these BPD people and relationships. 

[richardson]

What I do not understand is this...

How many  of her feelings are "real"?

As with most of the guys on here, the women they are seeing are extremely convincing...

When together she is constantly touching, smiling, cuddling, etc... I believe, in the moment, those feelings are real. But maybe not?

The problem arises when we part ways (usually after several days together) and she tells me she cant see me anymore, is just distant, or completely disinterested.

Hi richardson.  I can relate to you here.  Mine was "constantly touching, smiling, cuddling, etc... ", too.  Full on love bombing!  It's unbelievable how many similarities we can all share with these BPD people and relationships. 

One other thing I notice that i am not sure is BPD or not, but it driove me crazy... Basically changing her mind several times a day about what her and I are doing together... BF/GF? Nothing? Friends? FWB? Together forever?

Example... .

We hung out for 4 days on her BDAY weekend... During this time she asked if she could stay with me, as she cant stand her roommate who is making moves on her, she cant stand her parents, and she just needs a good man like me that she loves so much...

Then this idea changed and she asked me to take her home Sunday night. She asked if we could have a playdate the next weekend with our kids etc. That was cool with me... Seemed normal...

Sunday night came, and she asked to spend the night... Take her home Monday am... This was fine... Monday am comes and she doesnt want to wake up, and I have to go to work... She asks me if her daughter can stay with us that night whom she can get from her ex... .I say that is fine...

During the day she calls to tell me she wants to leave, but cant get a ride... Can I take her home when i get home... I say fine...

I get home and she wants to stay the night again... .

I go to work Tuesday, get home, and her daughter is at my house... I am surprised, but to be honest do not mind... She asks me to take them home...   A few minutes later she asks me to stay the night...

This cycle repeats over and over for the next day and a half... She is staying... She is leaving... A cab will get her... Can I take her...   Can she stay for the weekend...   It was driving me insane...

And of course, when she leaves, it has to be with the dramatic "never talk to me again"...

At the end it was turned into "I cant read you... So I am leaving", as though it was me who was doing all of this... Like i did something wrong...

[ShadowIntheNight]

This a psychological definition of the word "manipulation." Do you recognize anything in it?

manipulation: "Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics. Manipulation may seem benign or even friendly or flattering, as if the person has your highest concern in mind, but in reality it’s to achieve an ulterior motive."

[richardson]

This a psychological definition of the word "manipulation." Do you recognize anything in it?

manipulation: "Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics. Manipulation may seem benign or even friendly or flattering, as if the person has your highest concern in mind, but in reality it’s to achieve an ulterior motive."

This is probably the hard part for many guys when dealing with a BPD type.

Below would describe my case, but others seem to be the same.

A.  The manipulation does not seem to have the traditional goals of manipulation.  Money, dates, gifts, etc.  It seems they are manipulating "to be loved" then will run from it which hurts far more. She would spend a lot of money on me. Never cared "who paid" for the date etc. Was actually happy to just stay in and hang out.

B. she was the typical "poor me".  Bad "luck". Bad decisions.  If she just had "love" and with A "good man" things would improve.

C. So it's sort of like being manipulated simply to be loved.  Then destroying it. It's being good at manipulation, but also horrible at it as it isn't even needed and then end goal isn't reached.

I mean many women who end up marrying millionaires for money are not BPD.  It also seems so many BPD manipulate but are alwAys lost and in chaos.

[ShadowIntheNight]

This a psychological definition of the word "manipulation." Do you recognize anything in it?

manipulation: "Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics. Manipulation may seem benign or even friendly or flattering, as if the person has your highest concern in mind, but in reality it’s to achieve an ulterior motive."

This is probably the hard part for many guys when dealing with a BPD type.

Below would describe my case, but others seem to be the same.

A.  The manipulation does not seem to have the traditional goals of manipulation.  Money, dates, gifts, etc.  It seems they are manipulating "to be loved" then will run from it which hurts far more. She would spend a lot of money on me. Never cared "who paid" for the date etc. Was actually happy to just stay in and hang out.

B. she was the typical "poor me".  Bad "luck". Bad decisions.  If she just had "love" and with A "good man" things would improve.

C. So it's sort of like being manipulated simply to be loved.  Then destroying it. It's being good at manipulation, but also horrible at it as it isn't even needed and then end goal isn't reached.

I mean many women who end up marrying millionaires for money are not BPD.  It also seems so many BPD manipulate but are alwAys lost and in chaos.

The ulterior motive doesn't have to be material things. She is clearly looking for someone to latch onto to soothe her abandonment issues. When they are the ones pushing away, it doesn't even remotely look that way. The things you cant see behind their actions is really the insidious part of this disorder.

[Restored2]

What I do not understand is this...

How many  of her feelings are "real"?

As with most of the guys on here, the women they are seeing are extremely convincing...

When together she is constantly touching, smiling, cuddling, etc... I believe, in the moment, those feelings are real. But maybe not?

The problem arises when we part ways (usually after several days together) and she tells me she cant see me anymore, is just distant, or completely disinterested.

Hi richardson.  I can relate to you here.  Mine was "constantly touching, smiling, cuddling, etc... ", too.  Full on love bombing!  It's unbelievable how many similarities we can all share with these BPD people and relationships.  

One other thing I notice that i am not sure is BPD or not, but it driove me crazy... Basically changing her mind several times a day about what her and I are doing together... BF/GF? Nothing? Friends? FWB? Together forever?

Example... .

We hung out for 4 days on her BDAY weekend... During this time she asked if she could stay with me, as she cant stand her roommate who is making moves on her, she cant stand her parents, and she just needs a good man like me that she loves so much...

Then this idea changed and she asked me to take her home Sunday night. She asked if we could have a playdate the next weekend with our kids etc. That was cool with me... Seemed normal...

Sunday night came, and she asked to spend the night... Take her home Monday am... This was fine... Monday am comes and she doesnt want to wake up, and I have to go to work... She asks me if her daughter can stay with us that night whom she can get from her ex... .I say that is fine...

During the day she calls to tell me she wants to leave, but cant get a ride... Can I take her home when i get home... I say fine...

I get home and she wants to stay the night again... .

I go to work Tuesday, get home, and her daughter is at my house... I am surprised, but to be honest do not mind... She asks me to take them home...  A few minutes later she asks me to stay the night...

This cycle repeats over and over for the next day and a half... She is staying... She is leaving... A cab will get her... Can I take her...  Can she stay for the weekend...  It was driving me insane...

And of course, when she leaves, it has to be with the dramatic "never talk to me again"...

At the end it was turned into "I cant read you... So I am leaving", as though it was me who was doing all of this... Like i did something wrong...

Hi richardson.  The confusion you have been experiencing from her is classic pull and push of BPD.  She pulls you in because she wants to be intimate (close) to you and then she pushes you away for fear of being too intimate (close) with you.  Running away is often the next stage.  Her attacking "dramatics" and blaming you is her own projection issues towards you.  

It's good for you to put this all in perspective to understand that this really isn't about you or what you are doing wrong, as much as it is about her and her own unresolved issues.  Many BPD people have unresolved issues from being previously abused which is then projected onto others.        

[richardson]

yes, this is the second time she "ran away" within 2 months...

I do not think she will contact me again, as i actually read her emails, so there is no way she can really spin it, and does feel shame.

Another thing I notice is that it is hard to tell what is real, exaggerations, or completely made up... Was she abused? Were her exes abusive? Does she have all these medical conditions? What exactly is she on?

They are seductive as everything about me was so "perfect" to her... But at the end of the day so much of it is just words. I remember her asking to have my children... .if I would love her daughter... if I would be with her forever... .Then to just disappear and never be heard from again...   just bizarre.

[Restored2]

Hi richardson.  However it is sliced and diced, one can only conclude that she is really messed up.  It is all beyond bizarre and hard to process. 

[richardson]

Hi richardson.  However it is sliced and diced, one can only conclude that she is really messed up.  It is all beyond bizarre and hard to process. 

i thought this was interesting.  It has been about a month since things ended pretty badly. We havent talked. Never thought I would hear from her again.

She recently emailed asking how my son and I are etc, I emailed back, we joked a bit... .

Then she emails me asking if I want to have a drink with her... .  I asked where she was staying, etc... . She then emails me that she wants to go out on the town, down to the city though... . It was 8 on a week night. So, it wasn't really to see me, but more or less someone to take her to party.


I told her I had to work the next day, can't be out all night etc... . She just replied with "ok"


Now previously she just wanted to see me, come to my house, hang out etc... .I thought it was odd that now, after a month, she asks to see me, but ONLY if I can take her clubbing... . There was no other thought that occurred to her like "Well, lets just stay in then", or "Well, lets do something else... ." 

More or less like I was just a cab/drink buyer, and if i wasn't up for that, well then there would be no point to see me.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Hi richardson.  However it is sliced and diced, one can only conclude that she is really messed up.  It is all beyond bizarre and hard to process.  

i thought this was interesting.  It has been about a month since things ended pretty badly. We havent talked. Never thought I would hear from her again.

She recently emailed asking how my son and I are etc, I emailed back, we joked a bit... .

Then she emails me asking if I want to have a drink with her... .  I asked where she was staying, etc... . She then emails me that she wants to go out on the town, down to the city though... . It was 8 on a week night. So, it wasn't really to see me, but more or less someone to take her to party.


I told her I had to work the next day, can't be out all night etc... . She just replied with "ok"


Now previously she just wanted to see me, come to my house, hang out etc... .I thought it was odd that now, after a month, she asks to see me, but ONLY if I can take her clubbing... . There was no other thought that occurred to her like "Well, lets just stay in then", or "Well, lets do something else... ."  

More or less like I was just a cab/drink buyer, and if i wasn't up for that, well then there would be no point to see me.

This is classic BPD behavior. The disappearing then reappearing as if everything is all right and nothing ever happened before. I hope you don't plan to give in to her should she come calling again. It is clear that she has some of the characteristics of BPD. What you describe is what many posters on these board have described. It's like the pwBPD goes down their "list" of people who they have had emotional attachments to. When they get a "hit" then that person is now their most favorite. You didn't do what she wanted, she moved on to the next person on her list. She didn't want to spend a quiet evening with YOU. She wanted to go downtown. You didn't give her that, she found someone else. The best thing you could do for yourself is to ignore her when she calls. It won't lead to happily ever after in any sense of the phrase.

Also, it might be helpful to reread the posts on your thread here from the last month. Virtually every one of them identifies what she is doing to "hook" you. I think in one it was even mentioned how she would behave if she called after a length of time. She is till trying to play you. I know that may make your ego feel good, but don't let it,hook into that part of you. Her actions are for her, not you.

[richardson]

And she knew to hang out I would have to drive to get her.  Half hour there and back.  Then cab ride downtown, 60 each way, then work the next day.

She also NEVER was able to make a plan ahead of time.  It was always her calling / emailing me last minute. 8,9, 10 pm. Then once with me she would stay for days and not want to leave until she absolutely had to, at which point she would make a drama as to why she can't see me anymore.

It makes me see the selfishness.  No shame in seeing me again IF I can take her downtown clubbing.  No other reason to see me.  And we are basically past the clubbing age, both single parents. 

I think how a prostitute might talk a guy up for money, people like her use the "love" talk so they are not alone when they want company or to get their way.

[felix22]

Yeah, you dodged the bullet.

[richardson]

Just wanted to give an update to those who have helped and maybe this will shed some light on how they behave for others.

I have been dating others and totally over her.

She called again asking to go out, but I had my son that day. She told me it was the only day she can go out for next 3 months (lie) and was sad. 

She then called the next week and asked if I could help her move back to her moms.  Just a box or two. I said I could not as I had my son again. She then called back a couple of times thinking of a scenario in which I could help her that night. I told her I would call her back in 5 minutes.  My son actually wanted to help her as well, so I called her back and said I would do her this favor. 

I call back and no answer.  I text.  No return text. I call again and she says "oh.  I will just lay down.   Can you help me tomorrow instead?  When should I call you?"

I said sure.  Call anytime.

Never heard from her again.

Just odd how she needed help in such a hurry, then totally changed her mind in five minutes. Was it just to see if I would help? 

[felix22]

I think she wanted to be the one to reject you. The emotional maturity. Good to hear you are dating again! Good for you

[ShadowIntheNight]

You never know for sure. But since you are dating other women do you notice this kind of behavior in anyone else you've been out with?

[OnceConfused]

Code:

Just odd how she needed help in such a hurry, then totally changed her mind in five minutes

1. I think that is how they try to see if they can control you. They call you to see if you still respond to their request, once you respond (then they know you are hooked) then the game begins. Now they are playing the no show game, just to show you that you probably need her more than she needs you.

BY the way, I saw these similar behaviors with my xBPDgf.

Am glad you are out of the web.