Scared to death

[Sargemom]

This is my 1st post. I've been in a relationship with a BPD/NPD man for only about 3 months now. I'm 50 and had just come out of a 5 year relationship that was going nowhere. I was really looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. He really swept me off my feet and made me feel ways I didn't think possible any more. But, then came the 1st day I did something "wrong". I don't remember what it was. He was cold as ice and wouldn't speak to me all day. Of course those kinds of days are much worse now. MUCH worse. It seems if I do anything that he doesn't have complete control of, he gets very angry. I know it's an extremely unhealthy relationship and I've gotta get out. I had just lost my job when I met him and he insisted he take care of everything. I only had a part-time, min wage job and no assets, so I thought it would be nice to be taken care of a little. Boy was I wrong. He's tried to undermine what little resources I do have and we've moved most of my stuff into his apartment. We live in the same building and thank God I haven't lost my apartment. He watches every move I make and I can't even take an armful of things back to my place without him questioning it and getting angry. I already have problems with severe anxiety and depression and it's getting much worse. I have to get out, but I just dread the thought of his tantrums and drilling me with questions I can't answer so bad. I've been having crying bouts and almost questioning my own sanity. (Thankfully I've read up on gas-lighting and crazy making.)  I know I have to get out. Period. But I am actually to the point of being scared. He's never physically abused me, but I know that's a possibility. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. I'm really thankful I found this site. It's been helpful reading everyone's posts.  Thanks 

[Aurylian]

Welcome Sargemom.  You are correct that this is a great place to learn and get support.

The first thing, if you are concerned for you safety, is to get some space and then take time to process all this and start learning the lessons.  If you ever feel at risk of physical violence then please don't hesitate to call the police. 

The Staying forum is a great place to get advice on what to learn if staying in the relationship.  If you are not sure, you might some different advice on the undecided or leaving forums. 

Either way there are a lot of people here that have gone through what you are right now.  Just make sure and take care of yourself, look at the Lessons section.

Does he have a key to your apartment?

[tjay933]

Welcome to the family, 

You posted on the "staying board" but you sound undecided. are you staying or leaving? once you decide, there is help here both ways. the best way to decide is to educate yourself about the condition as knowledge is power. then you can make an educated choice.

if you are staying, read up on the lessons on how to handle a pwBPD. a good thing to remember if staying is to take as many time outs as you need especially if they start to be verbally abusive. you just excuse yourself and physically leave for 20-30 min. you can learn about that too in the lessons.

here are some tips for leaving if that is what you want to do. I believe there are also some lessons on how to protect yourself when leaving.

do you have any support team, family, friends that can help you if it gets ugly-someone/where close by to get immediate help/relief from or somewhere to run to if you need to that he can't just come get you? start also recording any "proof" for his behaviour. record if possible. copies of any hate mail you get from him etc etc. have a "go" bag ready with minimum essentials for a night or two if you need to get out quickly-put it somewhere safe or with a neighbour/friend just in case you need it. if he has a key to your apt, get the locks changed. $20 at your local hardware store and you're good to go with a friend to do the labour if you can't do it yourself. know any crisis hotline numbers by heart if you need to.

above all, stay safe and if you are afraid he will physically harm you, don't hesitate to call the police.

[takingandsending]

Hi sargemom.

Tjay brought up a lot of good items. First and foremost is your own personal safety. Do you have any friends who can accompany you to his place or come by for a visit so that you can take your things safely from his home if that is what you want? There is a link on the Staying board to help create a safety plan. You need to have a safety plan in place if/when you decide to leave.

Has he ever attempted to prevent you from leaving, i.e. restrained you in any way? That type of action falls under domestic abuse. I am concerned for your well being. Can you please read up on safety plans and advise what actions you are taking to take care of yourself in this difficult situation? I am so sorry that you are suffering in this way.