Looks like im going to be a dad...

[rockhardabsman]

So last time I posted I talked about the latest incident. Long story short I had her arrested for domestic violence a second time in 3 years. Not the first time she's been physically violence, just the second time she was arrested for it. Long story I was asleep, she wanted sex, i say no, she rages, breaks my nose and cheek bone.

Well looking back on it all, she was 2 weeks late at the time on her period... .never thought anything of it because its happened all too often. I get a call two months later, on my birthday, letting me know I am going to be a dad. Broke the restraining order to tell me. I asked her to send me proof. Next day her mom, aunt and sister all called me letting me know they got letters from her saying she's pregnant... .Already looking less likely its a lie. A few days later I get a letter from the jail showing a medical printout that she is indeed pregnant.

Welp looks like I am going to be a dad, while I'm happy I'm having a child, since I've been wanting a family for a while, I am absolutely horrified at who the mother is.

I feel if I stay and do the 'honorable thing' I'm just going to get burned. So I am wondering if I will have a good chance at getting sole custody considering she will be incarcerated at the time of birth, and additional if they would grant it based on her long criminal history, history of hard drug abuse/alcoholism, and her documented mental conditions like BPD, Schizophrenia?

[Waddams]

First, I'll say I understand that this has to be incredibly confusing for you.  Becoming a father is pretty much the single biggest joy I've had in my entire life and I wouldn't give up anything for it.

At the same time, having to figure this out with a mother as disordered as she sounds has to be very scary.  I'd take myself to a L as soon as I could.  Particularly given the circumstances, I'd think you'd have a great shot at sole custody.  There will be difficulties as obviously you can't nurse the baby, and I'll tell you that newborns are a major handful.

You'll really need to think this through.  At the moment, I'd see L first and review how to establish paternity, what this whole process will look like, and then give it a lot of thought as to if you want to or not.  But I think a paternity test would be an absolute requirement at some point to prove you are the father.

Take it slow, get good advice, make informed decisions.

How long will she be in jail after the baby is born?

Edited to add:  With that long list of issues, history, and diagnoses, if I were you I would not get back together with her.  If the baby is yours, the kid will need a responsible parent.  You can do that without staying in the relationship.

[rarsweet]

Wow, this must be a huge shock to you. How far along is she? May I suggest the steps I would take?1. Some jails allow babies to stay with mom and some don't. Find out what her jail allows. 2. Contact a lawyer.3. Really look at yourself. Do you have a suitable living environment. Do you have a job? 4. Talk with your support system, parents, close friends, etc. Find out how much help you will have, such as can your parents babysit a bit for you, do you have a friend with a baby who can be a voice of experience. 5. Find a parents or fathers group, check it out before the baby is born. 6. Check the hospitals near you and see if they have a program on infant care you can take. 7. Think seriously about what you want to do and how to get there. We all have a tendency to think of here and now. Think 2 years from now, 10 years from now. Do you want to raise a baby alone, if so prepare. Do you hope to coparent with your ex, if so educate yourself on communication and self control. 8. May I suggest counseling for you? It really helps to talk to a stranger, someone who is a voice of reason. 9. Think of the positives whenever you can, a baby is a beautiful gift. 10. Something I relearn every day is think before I act or react. Even if something seems perfect, wait a day and think. Congratulations! Eventhough it must be scary, you are going to love that little baby like crazy.

[rockhardabsman]

Thanks everyone, you are right this is a shock to me. I am 32 now, extremely stable financially so I am not to worried on that front, I have 5 yrs of rent saved up, more if I get out of the expensive California bay area.

So she is a little over 3 months pregnant right now, closer to 4 mos.

There is just so much to think about for me. I am definitely going to get a paternity test done, she proved unreliable in the past. But I have almost no doubt that it is mine because sadly put, she had no opportunity to cheat the month she got pregnant. We were on vacation for almost a whole month, than when we returned home I worked from home the last couple of weeks before she got arrested. So... .pretty sure it would be mine.

I am thinking long term, and that's what i am having issues with. I want whats best for my child. And on one hand I don't think it would be good to not have a child be able to bond with its mother. Yet at the samee time she is such a low functioning BPD I am scared of it leaving psychological scars on my child. This is where I am stuck.

Her addictions have gotten better over the past 3 years. While she has relapsed many times its getting farther between. She hasnt touched crystal meth in 2 years. She does smoke pot, which I'm fine with I do too, but granted not very often, but the alcohol is what really turns her into a different beast. Alcoholism is a chronic condition in all of her family and extended family members. Me I dont drink at all when I am with her. When we are seperated I might kill a 6 pack over the course of a saturday/sunday once a month.

As far as how long she will be in is undetermined at this point. She has a mandatory 1.5 yr (9mos with 50% time) she has to do for probation violation out of county... .In our current county on the current charges though she has continued to refuse the plea of 1 yr + probation which would be only 6 mos with 50% time... .what an idiot... .So its going to trial, and if she loses she's looking at max exposure of 11yrs running consecutive (unlikely) concurrent 5yrs.

I dont want to raise this baby alone. I really want to be a father but I dont know how I can continue to do my job so I can support myself and my child and be a single father. I have no family that lives around here, and I certainly dont want her drugged up alcoholic family being the babysitters.

I am planning on going to counselling, its offered by the courts for free since I'm a DV victim.

Oyyy so much to think about!

[Aussie0zborn]

You have a lot to think about. Bear in mind that if your leave her and her family to raise the child, the child may grow up to be the sort of kid nobody would want. A child that hates you, and you will be paying for that privilege.

Fatherhood is a great joy and it sounds like you have that in your make-up. If you can do it, go for it! You will be saving your child from a tormented life and the potential for abuse. Good luck.

[Harri]

Hi.  Congrats on being a Dad!

I am thinking long term, and that's what i am having issues with. I want whats best for my child. And on one hand I don't think it would be good to not have a child be able to bond with its mother. Yet at the samee time she is such a low functioning BPD I am scared of it leaving psychological scars on my child. This is where I am stuck.

IMO, some bonds should never be and some should be broken.

I know you have a lot going on and I think it is great that you are taking your time and thinking things through.  There are lots of options available for childcare and not just daycare.  A live in nanny can be a great person to help care for your child.  Please take some time and do some reading on the co-parenting board.  Also, take some time to read at the Coping and Healing board too.  You will get a better idea of the issues your child will have to deal with if left to live with the bio mother (and it will help put my opinion about the mother/child bond in context.

Please keep posting and reading here.  Learning tools and being able to talk things through is so important for you as you make your choices on what to do.  Wishing you the very best as you work through this.

[Svarl1]

Hi,

I'm with Aussie and Harri on your situation.

(BTW, the first part of your story is really close to home for me, but after that things went a whole different way.)

You write like you have the proper attitude and responsibility to be a dad. If you bring the kid up then he/she will, I'm sure, be set up for a much better life than if your ex does.

I hope you find the support you need, and I wish you and you son or daughter the very best.