BIFF... it worked

[gomez_addams]

I've been reading "Splitting" -- the high-conflict divorce book.  (note: still undecided).

Trying my best over the past week to correctly handle an e-mail discussion with the uBPDw, who is out of town.

This was an extremely stressful week at work (potentially career impacting, but it worked out well), and to deal with angry, unregulated e-mails, and text messages at 2am demanding that I respond to the e-mails... .I had reached the breaking point. Finally, rather than answering all of her questions (which were no-win situations), I asked for mercy, told her I had a rough week, and needed to take a one or two-day break.

She agreed, and told me some of the things I was struggling to understand/interpret (her worst fears).  Her fears are usually masked behind insults, accusations, and other defense mechanisms.  I'm still learning to figure them out on my own, and asking her results in accusations of changing the subject, or her trying even harder to disguise them.

So the BIFF worked.

Brief

Informative

Friendly

Firm

While it's in some ways easier to deal with e-mail -- I can take a break while responding, proofread, etc... .  It's tough because she can't see my facial expressions or the tone of my voice.  In the meantime, I'm going to try to follow all the BIFF guidelines in the future.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

Text of the e-mail:

[uBPDw's name]

I have had a really long and really challenging week.  This persistent topic isn't helping.

I know I told you'd I'd respond after work today, but I am really feeling broken down, stressed out, and burnt out.

I have my therapist appointment on Wednesday.  I will talk to him about all of this.  Please give me a few days of mercy on this issue; let me decompress.

I finally had a chance to [complete that errand... .personal detail removed]

Gomez

[EaglesJuju]

Good job with the email. I never tried BIFF yet, but I may I have to give this communication technique a try. 

She agreed, and told me some of the things I was struggling to understand/interpret (her worst fears).  Her fears are usually masked behind insults, accusations, and other defense mechanisms.  I'm still learning to figure them out on my own, and asking her results in accusations of changing the subject, or her trying even harder to disguise them.

This is a good amount of self-awareness on her part.  Is this the first time she has told you about her fears and behaviors?

[gomez_addams]

This is a good amount of self-awareness on her part.  Is this the first time she has told you about her fears and behaviors?

She did that more often the first six months of marriage. I was admittedly clueless as a husband at the time. As I learned to be less defensive and more engaged as an active listener she became more defensive and unregulated. She used to tell me that her feelings were overwhelming and that it wasn't my fault. Now everything is my fault, and she masks what she's feeling.

Nothing is resolved on the issue at hand, but it's nice to ask and receive a short timeout to regain my bearings. I will thank her when I talk to her next.

Gomez