status hearing and agreement

[Seriously?]

My BPDh and I have a status hearing on March 30th. I am planning on just drawing up an agreement I believe he will sign and hoping that can just be the end this. My heart is already broken and I have accepted we cannot mend our relationship. I know everyone is different,  but the hardest part of this for me is the giving up, the hurt just being too much to bear. I have hope in my own future and in my other significant relationships, but all this is such a hard pill to swallow. I just hope for peace over this decision.  I think a person with BPD always leaves you with a shred of "if only I had tried harder... .If only I had found the right words/actions." It is part of them holding onto the attachment so if one is an empath, which I am, I feel it, too. I know he sees all of it as my failure that I couldn't fill his need. While intellectually I know I never could, there is part of me that wishes I could have figured it out. I am really hurting right now, but also really resolved to end this for good and not look back anymore.

[livednlearned]

Hi Seriously,

You feel bereft that the relationship is officially over -- drawing up papers and preparing to file for divorce is a reality check that can be difficult to process, even when it feels inevitable, and even when there is no possibility of repair.

Are you the one ending the marriage, or did your BPD abandon you? The recovery tends to be different. It can take longer to heal when you are the one who feels abandoned. We have an article here about the psychological and emotional stages of divorce. Where do you feel that you're at right now?

Take care of yourself while you heal -- like you said, you are really hurting right now, and even if he is the one who abandoned the relationship, he is likely to respond to the divorce papers with his own set of emotions, which may be confusing. They could trigger your own uncertainties and hurts. I found it was critically important to have a therapist on speed dial while I went through divorce. You are at a cross roads right now, making the choice to take care of yourself, after many years struggling to do that. It felt to me literally like a fork in the road. Self care on one side, commitment to my ex on the other. Such a hard choice.

It sounds like you do not have joint property or possessions, and no kids. How would you characterize your H? Not everyone who has BPD is a high-conflict personality (HCP), so sometimes the legal process is not as charged and difficult, which is a blessing. But sometimes the lack of high-conflict can also feel painful for people because they feel discarded, and they internalize this as a wound to their own self worth.

Let us know how you are doing, and how things go on March 30.



LnL

[Matt]

I think it's important not to mix the emotional issues with the "business" issues.

One option might be to delay things, if that will help you process the emotional stuff first, so you can deal more effectively with the business stuff.

Is LnL right - no kids?  (That will make it much simpler!)

Have you consulted with an attorney?

Is there a lot of money at stake, or any other reason why things might get complicated?

[ForeverDad]

It was a a months-long marriage before it failed, so it could almost be called an annulment.  (I don't know what those rules are so I'm only making a comparison, not suggesting it.)  So it should be relatively simple, at least on paper, to make a clean break.

Ponder well the long term aspects.  Once you've written up the terms of the agreement, get a legal consultation to ensure you're not forgetting anything or being overly fair, too nice, to your spouse - or overly unfair to yourself.  We're peer support, take advantage of our collective wisdom gained from our harsh experiences.

Also, we are all imperfect, so of course there are some things you could have done better.  But it wouldn't have been enough to make the dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship functional and healthy.  Accept that the vast majority if the problems were his.  Yes, you might have been able to 'trigger' him less and prolonged the marriage a little longer, but he still would have misbehaved, the marriage still would have failed.  Know very well, to the core of your being, that if you go back the dysfunction and abuse will resume.  You were on a wild roller coaster for a few months.  You got dizzy, sick and hurt.  Don't get back on the roller coaster.

[Seriously?]

It was only four months of living together as husband and wife. The hearing coming up is a discovery status hearing. The divorce is already in the works. I guess it is the emotional stuff I am personally going through. I feel like he should have to pay me for the financial investment I made in our future considering he was not in it for real.  Legally, that is not something I am entitled to, so basically he used and abused me and there is no recourse. I have to find a way to accept that and move on. as far as an agreement,  I am just asking we each pay half the costs. I really need thus to be over.