Grandparents pain when daughter's partner goes NC

[Jcw127]

I am in my mid-60s. Our daughter lives in Ireland while we live in a Mediterranean island. Our daughter has always suffered from low self esteem and is easily dominated by her present partner who is also the father of our gd who has a congenital disease which, however, is reversible.

We suspect dd partner has BPD or NPD. Every time we met him in last 7 years he has been verbally abusive, threatened to kill us, and generally could not care less about anyone. He has anger issues a very  low tolerance of stress. He also has a high sense of entitlement and likes to play the victim of all that is wrong, according to him, in society. We do not know whether he has an alcohol problem because we live so far away.

He and my daughter are both unemployed and depend on state handouts to survive. I have also contributed financially in a big way but get no acknowledgement for this. Where we come from we are prepared to sacrifice all including our own hard earned savings to support our children when they are in distress. With hindsight I now realise that this is not such a good strategy after all.

DD partner really has no interest in finding work even if he swears he does. My daughter needs to care for our GD until she resolve her health issues.

GD should be having surgery in the US for her condition in June. I have already paid 50% of costs but our dd and her partner have not gone NC. We do not know what is happening and are afraid to contact them because we are sure that we will be rebuffed.

DD partner has been very manipulative and try to control us by emotional blackmail by not letting us see our daughter at least on Skype.

Time is passing by and we are getting no younger. Despite having had a successful career we miss being grandparents to our only GD.

Has anyone been in such circumstances?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Jcw127

  Welcome to the site and the Parent's Board.  We are happy to have you here and hope to be a great source of support and information to you.

I'm sorry to learn of your granddaughter's illness.  How old is she? Are you planning to go to the US when she has her surgery? This must be so stressful to have to deal with for everyone. 

Not having any contact with your daughter to get updates on how she and your grandchild are doing only adds to the stress.  Your daughter's reluctance to contact you is likely from the fallout she would have to endure from her husband... .?  Do you feel your relationship with your daughter is still in good standing and it is the pressure from your SIL that keeps you apart?

Sometimes when we don't understand what is creating a problem we don't know a way to solve a problem.  There are ways to communicate with disordered people (BPD/NPD) that can keep us in relationship with them.  Will we have to do all the work?  Yes. The question is... .is it worth it to have a relationship with your daughter and granddaughter?  The skill is validation and it is highly effective to ease down emotions.  We can help you understand how to do it, why it works and help you practice using this skill.  Here's a Workshop that can introduce you to this skill:

Workshop: Stop Invalidating Others

You can post your thoughts there or you can post your thoughts here in a new topic.  We will be glad to help you.


lbj

[qcarolr]

Jcw127   

I also welcome you to our board. Yes, there are many parents here in similar situations with NC (no contact) and limits with knowing about their grandchildren. I have also shared with some who have been able to regain some contact, and validation is a powerful set of skills to start with. I encourage you to read the link from lbjnltx and come back here to share how it is going.

qcr

[livednlearned]

Hi Jcw127,

I wanted to say hi and see how you are doing. Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so, and check with us to let us know how things are going for you.

Is your DD diagnosed BPD, or is it the partner that you suspect is BPD?



LnL